Adam Cartwright looked up from the desk as the grandfather clock chimed ten o'clock and scrubbed at his tired face. He stretched and smiled as Hop Sing came padding quietly with a tray with one of his herbal teas and a snack.

“You drink tea then go to bed,” he ordered the seventeen-year-old. “You too tired to work now.”

Adam took the tea and sipped at it gratefully. “I'll go to bed soon, Hop Sing. I've just got to do the payroll for tomorrow. There's nothing else that can't wait at least for tonight.” He sighed. “I wish Pa would come home.”

Hop Sing agreed. Adam had been up before dawn for weeks now, and rarely got a decent night's sleep, between the work he needed to do to keep the ranch running, and having to comfort his baby brother, Little Joe, when the nightmares started. Adam was exhausted but things had to be done and Ben Cartwright wasn't there to do them.

“Where Mr Cartwright this week?” Hop Sing asked.

“Tucson, Arizona.” Adam replied. That was this trip. The last trip had been to San Francisco, the one before that to Sacramento. Pa had even gone as far as St Louis. The trips, Ben said, were for business reasons but Adam knew the truth was that Pa couldn't bear to be at home on the Ponderosa. In the four months since his wife Marie had died, Ben Cartwright had spent no more than two or three weeks at home. Even when he was home, he didn't take an active role in running the ranch. When Adam attempted to involve him, Ben simply waved him away and told him that he'd worry about it later. The only thing he had done was sign a couple of contracts but that was because Adam had insisted, forcefully. Even then, all Ben had done was sign them. Adam had done all the work for them. He hoped desperately he'd got them right. If he'd got them wrong there was no one to turn to. The responsibility was all on his shoulders, and not just for the ranch. He had his brothers to take care of too.
 

 He had barely got to bed when Little Joe's scream woke him. He crawled out of bed and went in to the small boy sitting up in bed, sobbing bitterly.

“I want my Mama,” he sobbed.

Adam picked him up and cuddled him. “I know, Little Joe, I know,” he said, soothingly, rocking the five year old in his arms. “Come on, you can sleep with me. Remember, I told you Mama's in heaven, watching you?” he added, climbing into bed and pulling the miserable little boy in close to him. Joe cuddled close, and fell asleep again, as Adam softly sang him a lullaby. He could hear Hoss' snores as a counterpoint to his songs, and he smiled to himself. At least one of the Cartwright boys was getting a good night's sleep. He fell asleep quickly himself, with Little Joe's warm little body curled next to his. Adam was up again before dawn. There was so much to do. By the time Hoss came downstairs, he'd got the payroll money ready. Thank goodness Pa had arranged for his signature to be on the payroll account before Marie had died. Otherwise, they'd be in a real pickle. Pa had never expected that Adam would have to do this, but it had just been a precaution in case he was ever away. It had been part of his sixteenth birthday present. Marie had suggested it. If he were old enough to have the responsibility of carrying a gun, he was old enough to be a signatory to the ranch's working accounts, she had told Ben firmly. Ben had laughed at her but he had agreed, as a sign, he'd told Adam, of his appreciation of Adam's growing maturity. None of them had expected the then sixteen year old Adam to have the running of a major spread like the Ponderosa. But then, none of them had expected Marie to be thrown by her horse and killed, either. He scrubbed hard at his eyes. He didn't have time to cry.

He smiled at his little brother as Hoss sat down at the breakfast table.

“Hey, Adam,” he said cheerfully, grabbing the biggest stack of pancakes, “Ain't it good it's Saturday. I c'n help ya today, an' there's no school.” Hoss hated school. He wasn't cut out for booklearning, unlike Adam, who liked nothing better than to sit down with a good book. Not that Adam had time for that. The only reading he'd done since Marie's death had either been stories for Little Joe or the ranch paperwork.

“Sure is, Hoss,” Adam agreed. “Do you think you could keep Little Joe entertained this morning? That way I can pay the men and have a chance to get that fence in the south pasture fixed.”

Hoss nodded, his mouth full of pancakes. “I can do that. D'ya think I could take him fishing? He likes that, an' it'd keep him out of under Hop Sing's feet.”

Adam nodded. Hop Sing could do with a rest from Joe's constant activity too. “Yeah, but be careful. You know what he's like.”

Just then the youngest Cartwright came down the stairs, rubbing his eyes. He'd sort of got dressed, but he carried one boot in his hand.

“I can't find my other boot, Adam,” he said. As Adam rose to help Joe find it there was a knock on the door. The boys looked at each other anxiously as Hop Sing opened the door. Adam wasn't comforted when Sheriff Roy Coffee came in.

“Morning, boys,” he said cheerfully. Roy Coffee was an old friend of Ben's and had known the Cartwrights for many years. He smiled at Adam, knowing how worried the boy was about his father.

 “No, I haven't got any bad news about your Pa,” he said reassuringly. He nodded at Adam's visible relief. “I just wanted to tell you to be careful. There's a been a few robberies at isolated properties in the area. I don't think it should affect you – most of them seem to be on the other side of Carson City but I just thought I'd warn you, seeing as your Pa is out of town. Any idea when he's coming home?” he asked.

Adam shook his head sadly. “No. The last we heard he'd arrived safely in Tucson, but that was two weeks ago.”

Roy felt a momentary flash of anger at Ben. What he was doing to this boy was just unreasonable. Roy had no children of his own, and he stood in the place of an uncle to these boys. He'd had a special place in his heart for Adam ever since he'd first met him, when he'd seen the eight year old, with toddler Hoss in tow, face up to him, trying to protect his little brother from this unknown man. Adam needed the love and support of his father not the burden of running a ranch. Roy resolved to talk to Ben just as soon as he came home.

“Oh,” said Adam “I'm sorry, Sheriff, I'm forgetting my manners. Would you like some breakfast?” He hoped Roy would stay. The prospect of having someone else to share the burden with, just for a few minutes, was very attractive.

Roy grinned at him. “Thought you'd never ask, boy. I'd love some of Hop Sing's cooking.” After half an hour – time neither he nor Adam could really spare, but of immense value to Adam – Roy pushed back his plate and got to his feet. Adam rose too.

“Time I got to work, too,” he said as he crossed the room and buckled on his gunbelt.

 “Do you get much time to practice with that?” Roy asked.

“No, not really,” Adam replied.” I don't think I've had a really good practice since before Marie died.”

“Then you'll come with me now, and have a practice,” Roy told him sternly. “You can't allow yourself to slacken off in that department.”

“But Sheriff,” Adam protested. “I don't have time.”

“Nor do I, but in this instance I'll make time. Come on, boy. You need to do this for your brothers' sakes, 'specially with those robberies I was telling you about.”

Adam acquiesced. Roy had hit a nerve with his mention of his brothers. Roy made him practice for both speed and accuracy.

“You never know when you'll need both, boy,” he said in response to Adam's protests. He watched Adam critically for about fifteen minutes, occasionally offering a word of advice. He patted Adam on the back approvingly. “That was well done, Adam. If you got more time to practice you'd be better still, but I think your brothers are in safe hands.” And he rode off smiling, leaving a pleased Adam to get on with paying the ranch hands.
 

The ranch hands on the Ponderosa were for the most part good men. Many of them had been with the Cartwrights ever since Ben had first started hiring permanent men. The foreman, Charlie, had been with Ben almost from the beginning. He liked and respected Ben, and he had known Adam for many years. The men liked young Adam too and they had felt for the grief of their boss. Some of them had come, worried, to Charlie as the days started to stretch into weeks and Mr Cartwright still didn't seem to be taking interest in his ranch. They were partly concerned for their jobs until Adam had taken the bull by the horns, as it were, and called them all together.

“I know I'm awful young,” he'd begun, “but you know me. With your help we can keep the ranch running until Pa is ready to get back into it. I can't tell you how long that will be, but anyone who isn't prepared to work with me is welcome to collect his pay and leave. I need your help, fellas. I can't do it alone. There won't be anything for anyone if we don't keep it running.”

Only three men decided to take their pay and leave. The rest decided to take their chances and backed Adam. Most of the men were pretty impressed with the job Adam was doing. Adam was just grateful that they accepted his authority. It made his job a bit easier.
 
 
 

He rode in that afternoon after he'd fixed the fence on the south pasture. He was both a bit relieved and worried when he wasn't instantly besieged by his little brothers. “Hope they're all right,” he thought, as he led his horse into the barn. He'd go down to the creek to check on them after he'd settled his horse. He sighed. One more thing to do. He was so tired. He'd love to take time out for a long hot bath but unless he had it at midnight he didn't see how he was going to manage. He walked into the big room of the house to see the very welcome sight of his father sitting in the big leather chair by the fireplace.

 “Pa,” he said happily. “I'm glad you're back. How was your trip?” He waited hopefully for his father to speak, knowing that his father's tone would tell him what he was so desperate to know.

“My trip was fine, Adam,” Ben said.

Adam was disappointed. He'd hoped Pa would be feeling better, but his tone and the fact that he hadn't made any effort to rise were sure signs that things hadn't really improved.

He swallowed the unaccountable lump in his throat, and said, “Have you seen Hoss and Little Joe? They were going to go fishing. Would you like to come down to the creek with me to find them?”

Ben shook his head. “No, you go ahead. I'm still too tired from the trip.”

Shoulders drooping, Adam left to find his brothers. He met them halfway to the creek. “Look Adam,” Little Joe yelled. “I caught five fish. That's even more than Hoss did!” Hoss grinned. “Yeah, well, if I didn't hafta spend so much time baiting your hook, I coulda had time to do more fishin' meself, “ he retorted.

 Adam grinned back, then immediately sobered. “Pa's back.”

“Yay!” yelled Little Joe, dropping his fish in his eagerness to see his father. Adam grabbed him. He didn't want Joe to run to his father only to be turned away. Not that Ben set out to reject his sons. He just couldn't see past his grief to the pain his behaviour was causing them.

“Don't yell like that, Little Joe, slow down,” he said gently. His eyes met Hoss' in a moment of silent communication. “Pa's still very tired from his trip,” he explained to Joe.
 

Tired from his trip or not, Ben announced at breakfast the following morning that he was planning to take Wednesday's stage to Sacramento. He had some business there to take care of. Adam felt like crying, and Hoss' face fell.

Little Joe did cry. “No Pa, no! I don't want you to go away again. I want you to stay here!” Ben didn't reply. He abruptly left the table and went to his room. It was left to Hoss and Adam to console their tearful little brother.

“Why's Pa goin' away again, Adam?” he asked. “Doesn't he love us no more?”

“Of course he does,” Adam told him, but in his heart he wondered himself. He went upstairs to his father's room, and knocked on the door. His father invited him in much to his relief. Adam had been well trained to obey his father's rules from a very early age. He would have found it very difficult  to simply barge in uninvited but he'd planned to do that if necessary. Pa was going to church with them if he had to drag him there, he decided, although he had no idea how he would accomplish this. At least Little Joe could sit next to him for a while. He decided on the direct approach.

“Pa, it's almost time for church,” he announced.

 Ben looked at him, and shook his head. “I'll give church a miss today, I think.”

He hadn't thought about it either way, really. He didn't feel like facing all those well meaning people. On the other hand, if he went to church he wouldn't have to be in this house surrounded by his memories.

 Adam took a deep breath. “No Pa. You have to come to church. If you don't go we're not going either.” He shrugged his shoulders, leant against the doorframe and continued in the most disrespectful tone he could summon up. “After all, if it's not important for you then it's not important for us. I can find better things to do than waste all that time sitting around in church. There's plenty of work to do.”

He stopped and waited hopefully for his father's response. If things had been normal, Adam would have been on the receiving end of a very stern lecture for his attitude and tone, at the very least. The lecture wasn't forthcoming, but he did get a response from his father.

“I don't like that attitude, young man. Today is the Lord's Day. I can see that you certainly need to get to church. You know Marie expected you to respect the Sabbath.”

He rose to his feet. “See that your brothers are ready. I’ll be down shortly.”

Adam almost skipped down the stairs.
 
 
 

Early the next morning, Adam and Charlie had to go out to the lumber camp to get the last of the timber shipped out to fill the contract for the mines. Hoss had school, much to his disgust, so that left Little Joe home with Hop Sing. Hop Sing would have been very happy if Ben had taken over the care of his youngest son that day. He had a lot to do and he had to go into town to pick up some supplies. Ben hadn't made an appearance before either Adam or Hoss had left, so it looked like he had no choice but to take Joe with him, he grumbled to himself. He wasn't happy about it but  Ben had shown no signs of leaving his room before he had to leave. By the time Hoss came home from school Ben had emerged from his room. The silence just suited his mood and he sat in his big chair and thought about Marie. He knew he should look at the paperwork and see what was going on but he couldn't summon up the interest. Hoss came in. His simple loving nature was usually a comfort for Ben, but not even Hoss' gentle presence eased Ben's pain.

“Hi Pa,” he greeted him. He looked around for Hop Sing. There was usually a snack waiting for him when he came home. There was usually a very noisy little brother too. “Where's Hop Sing and Little Joe?” he asked.

 Ben shook his head. “I'm not sure. I think they might have gone to town.” He went back to considering the fire.

Hoss sighed and went out to do his chores. While Adam was working so hard he'd been doing Adam's too. Adam had so much to do. He liked to help him when he could. Hoss got to work cleaning out the stalls and had just about finished when he heard hoofbeats. He was pleased. Adam was back. It hadn't taken him as long at the lumber camp as he'd expected, Hoss thought happily to himself. He ran out of the barn to greet his big brother, but pulled up short in astonishment. It wasn't Adam and Charlie. It was two strangers. Hoss didn't like the look of them. Their drawn guns didn't make him like them any more than the nasty look on their faces.

“Stand still, kid!” one of then ordered. “Ya move, we plug ya.”

Hoss stood still. He was scared. He stared at the man with big eyes. Although he stood only a head shorter than his older brother, he was only eleven. The man who spoke dismounted, while the other one continued to point his gun at Hoss.

“Anyone else inside the barn?” he asked. Hoss shook his head. “What about in the house?”

Hoss gulped. “M...my Pa,” he said, his voice shaking.

The man gestured with his gun. “You start walkin' towards the house. Real slow. Yore Pa's Ben Cartwright, ain't he? The one they reckon is a bit tetched in the head.”

Hoss was indignant. “There ain't nothin' wrong with my Pa!”

“Ha!” said the man. “That ain't what we heard, is it Bert? We heard that ever since yore Ma died, Ben Cartwright's gone a bit...” and he tapped his temple with his finger.

Bert laughed nastily. “Shore is, Zeb. Plumb loco. That's why we come here, kid. It's a good chance to share some o' that Cartwright money, seein' as ol' Ben don't seem ta want it. Now get movin'. An not a word or you'll be sorry.”

Hoss obeyed. He walked slowly toward the house and entered the great room. Ben was sitting in the chair, still staring at the fire. The two outlaws shared a grin when they saw this.

“Pa!” Hoss yelled. “Look out!” Ben leaped to his feet instinctively and turned to see the men holding a gun on Hoss and on himself. He froze. His gun was right on the other side of the room. There was no way he could get to it.

Zeb turned to Hoss and slapped him, hard. “I tole ya, not a word, ya brat. Ya yell again an....”

Ben was shocked and disgusted. “Leave him alone-he's just a boy! Whatever you want, you talk to me,” he said angrily.

Bert exchanged a glance with Zeb. Ben Cartwright didn't look 'tetched' to him but then they had the guns and he didn't. They'd come for money and they were going to have it.

“Well, Mis-ter Cart-wright,” he drawled, stretching out the syllables so that there was no way of mistaking the menace in Bert's voice. “What we want is what's in yore safe, an' anythin' else we fancy. An' if ya don't do as we tell ya...the kid gets it first.”

Hoss gulped again and watched his father anxiously. What would Pa do? He needn't have worried. Grief stricken as Ben was, he would let no one hurt his sons.

He nodded. “Very well.You can have whatever money is in the safe. But if you hurt my son I'll hunt you down if I have to go to hell to do it.”

Hoss breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He should have known he could trust Pa.

Ben walked over to the safe with Bert close behind him. Bert wasn't worried about Ben grabbing him or anything. Zeb would shoot the boy if Ben tried anything, and he was a good enough judge of men to know that Cartwright wouldn't take any chances with the boy's life. Zeb stood holding Hoss with his gun held to the boy's temple. Hoss didn't dare move. He was scared of Zeb. His face still stung where Zeb had hit him.

Ben knelt and unlocked the safe. He had no idea if there was any money in it or not. He hoped there was. If it was empty these men might hurt Hoss in their efforts to force him to get some. He breathed again as he saw some stacks of notes.

“Ok,” said Bert. “Now get up and go over there,” he ordered. As Ben was getting to his feet Bert hit him with the butt of his gun and knocked him out.

“Pa!” yelled Hoss in fear.

Zeb hit Hoss again. “I tole ya to shut up, kid. Ya Pa ain't dead-yet. But if ya don't do as we tell ya, he will be.” He shoved Hoss roughly in front of him. “I'll jest keep ya with me in case yore Pa wakes up.”

They pulled all the money out of the safe, but left the documents they found there. Neither of them could read, and they had no interest in papers. They searched the rest of the house too, taking what they thought were saleable but not easily recognisable items of value.

Bert, his arms loaded with loot, grinned at Zeb. “I reckon we've got about everythin' we can sell, now. Grab the kid, an' let's go” He poked Ben with his foot. Ben stirred slightly. “See kid, he ain't dead,” he smirked, “but that's only 'cos I didn't wanna kill him.”

 Zeb pushed Hoss out of the house.

Bert noticed a gold picture frame on the desk. He'd already grabbed two out of the bedrooms, but he'd overlooked this one. That would be easy to sell, he thought, and easy to carry. He picked it up, balanced it precariously on the top of his load, and left the room, feeling very pleased with himself.
 
 

Outside, Zeb had half pushed, half dragged Hoss over to the horses. He checked around, but there didn't seem to be anyone else in sight. Good, he thought to himself. He didn't want to take the kid with. Hostages were a pain, and tended to get the sheriff after you. As Bert came out, he let Hoss go. Hoss turned to go into the house and saw Bert with the picture frame on the top. He knew what it was. He'd seen Bert stuff the pictures of his mother and Adam's mother into his sack. The only picture left that it could be was Marie's. He stared at Bert for a minute.

“Please don't take that picture,” he begged. “It's my Ma.”

Bert laughed that nasty laugh again. “Ya mean this one, kid?” And he deliberately pushed the picture onto the ground and stomped on it. The glass crunched under his foot. He laughed again.

Bert's action enraged Hoss. It took a great deal to move the normally placid boy to anger, but this wanton damage to Marie's picture did it. He forgot about guns. He forgot about everything but his need to stop this man from taking Marie's picture away. He launched himself at Bert.

“Dadburn it!” he yelled, pummelling Bert's chest with his fists. “You can't have my Ma's picture!”

His onslaught knocked Bert flying and he dropped the bag with the loot in it in an effort to fend off the angry boy.

“Get off me, ya brat!” he yelled, trying to grab Hoss. He didn't succeed. Hoss was almost as strong as a grown man, and his anger made him stronger. “Zeb,” he yelled. “Do something! Get this crazy kid off  of me!”

Zeb did. He fired a shot over Bert's head to see if that would stop the crazy kid. It didn't, so he yelled, “Kid! Back off or I'll shoot!” Zeb took aim. Hoss didn't hear him, but someone else did.
 
 

Adam and Charlie had had a long but very successful day. They had seen the last wagonload of the timber for the mine leave. They had worked very hard and they were both tired, hungry and pleased with themselves. They entered the yard just as Bert yelled at Zeb and they saw Zeb fire his first shot. They saw Zeb taking aim squarely at Hoss. Adam heard Zeb yell “Back off or I'll shoot.” There was no time to stop him any other way, so he drew his gun and took aim himself.

“Hold it right there Mister!” he yelled.

Zeb turned slightly at Adam's yell and fired just as Adam did. Zeb's shot went wild as he crumpled onto the ground. Dismounting quickly, Adam ran over to the fallen man and knelt by his side. The spreading patch of red across the front of the man's shirt alarmed him. The bullet had hit Zeb squarely in the chest. Adam ripped open the shirt to try to stop the bleeding, but flinched at the sight of the still bleeding wound in the man's chest. His heart skipped a beat. Was he dead? He reached for the man's wrist and searched for a pulse. He couldn't find one. He tried the man's neck anxiously. He paled as he realised he couldn't find one there either. The awareness hit him hard. The first time he fired at a man he killed him! He doubled over and was violently sick, over and over. He just didn't seem to be able to stop. Ben came over to him and held him gently as his son retched his heart out. Charlie had Bert tied up and Hoss was sitting on the ground holding Marie's picture and crying.

Adam finally stopped. He wiped his mouth and looked up at his father, wide-eyed, stunned. “He's dead, Pa” he said, his voice shaking. “He's dead.” He held out his bloodstained hands to his father. “His blood is on my hands, Pa. I killed him. He's dead,” he repeated. Ben put his arm round Adam's shoulders.

“You saved your brother's life, son,” he said softly. “You did what you had to do.” He led Adam over to the porch and pushed him down into one of the chairs gently.

Adam looked up at him. He was clearly in shock. “I killed a man, Pa,” he repeated. He began to shake.

Charlie looked at Ben. He had a trickle of dried blood running down his neck. Hoss was still crying. Adam looked the worst of the three. There was a smear of blood across his face where he had wiped his mouth. His hands were red with Zeb's blood. Charlie wasn't sure which of these Cartwrights needed the most help, but he wasn't the one who could give it. “I'll get the doctor, Boss,” he said to Ben.

Ben nodded. “Yes, and ask the sheriff to come out here please. I'd take Adam and these crooks myself, but I don't think Adam's in any state to ride, and I can't leave Hoss either. You take these two,” he said, pushing a dazed Bert towards his horse.

Bert pulled away from Ben and turned to Adam. “You shot my partner. S'pose ya think it makes ya a big man now? Well it don't. I'll get ya for this,” and he spat at Adam's feet. Adam recoiled from the venom in Bert's tone.

Ben glared at him. “Get him out of here, Charlie,” he snapped, “before I'm tempted to take the law into my own hands.” He squeezed Adam's shoulder reassuringly.

Charlie slung Zeb's dead body over his saddle. He looked at Ben again. His tone was the decisive one that he'd missed hearing over these many months. Ben Cartwright was back to take charge, he thought approvingly.

“Sure thing, Boss,” he said, mounting his horse and riding off.
 
 

“Hoss,” Ben called, “Come here.” Hoss ran to his father to be hugged and comforted. He sat Hoss down next to Adam knowing that the comforting touch of his brother would do each a great deal of good. It wouldn't take Hoss long to regain his equilibrium. He smiled at his younger son.

 “You were very brave, Hoss,” he said. “I'm proud of you.”

Hoss' lip quivered. He held out Marie's picture to Ben. “They broke it Pa,” he wailed. They dropped it on the ground an' stood on it. That's why I got so mad.”

Tears ran down his face. Adam instinctively put his arms round his little brother, whether to seek or give comfort, Ben wasn't sure, and Hoss hugged him back. They sat like that for a long while. Finally, Hoss stopped crying.

Ben took the picture and looked at it. He wanted to cry too, but he found a smile from somewhere. “We can get new glass put on it, Hoss. The picture isn't damaged, see?” he comforted him. “Now you take it inside and put it on my desk, and put the other things away.”

Hoss nodded and ran off.

Adam was still shaking. “I killed him Pa,” he repeated. “I did it. I took a life.” His face was  pale. Ben wrapped his arms around his son. He was so cold.

 “I didn't mean to, Pa. I didn't mean to kill him,” Adam whispered.

Ben wasn't sure what to do for Adam. He was so stunned by what he'd done. He took Adam inside, gently washed the blood off him and wrapped him up in a blanket in front of the fire. He wished Hop Sing were around. Adam needed one of those special teas of his.

Paul Martin arrived with the Sheriff. “Ben, what's going on here? Charlie said there's been a robbery and Adam had shot a man?” Paul said. “Looks like you need some help, too.”

Ben fended him off. “I'm fine. I've got a bit of a headache where they hit me. It's Adam I'm worried about. He killed the man who was shooting at Hoss - saved Hoss' life - and he's in shock.” He led the way into the house. The others followed.

Paul took one look at Adam. “You're right. He is in shock. I think he might need something. Where's Hop Sing? One of his teas...”

“That's what I thought, but he's in town with Little Joe, thank heaven,” Ben replied.

Roy interrupted. “I need to know what happened here, Ben. You know I have to investigate.”

Ben nodded. He told Roy everything he knew up to the point where he'd been knocked out, while Paul tended to Adam. “I can't tell you what happened then, Roy. All I know is after I came to, I ran outside just as Zeb fired at Hoss. Adam came and shot Zeb and saved his brother's life. You'll have to ask Hoss what happened while I was unconscious.”

“That's fine. I'll talk to him in a bit. It's Adam I need to talk to now.” He looked at Ben directly. “That boy's been under enormous pressure while you've been away, Ben. He doesn't need this as well.”

Ben was uncomfortable. He knew what Roy was saying was true, but he didn't want it pointed out to him. “I don't know how much you're going to get out of him,” he said, dealing with the most important matter at hand at the moment.

Roy knelt by Adam. “Adam,” he said gently, “tell me what happened.”

Adam looked at him. “I killed him. I killed him, Sheriff. I did it. I used my gun to take a life.” His voice was despairing.

“I know you killed him, Adam. Tell me why you fired at him.” he said, patiently. Roy had had a lot of experience in dealing with this sort of thing.

Adam shook his head. “I killed him. I didn't mean to...he was gonna shoot Hoss.”

“What do you mean, you didn't mean to, Adam?” Roy asked. “I need to know.”

“I was aiming at his gun hand,” Adam said sadly. “I yelled at him and he turned so I hit his chest instead of his hand. All that practice didn't count for anything. I didn't mean to kill him, Sheriff. I just wanted to stop him from hurting my little brother. If I hadn't yelled...he might still be alive.”

“If you hadn't yelled your little brother might be dead,” Roy informed him. “Zeb Marsh wouldn't have hesitated to kill Hoss. So quit beating yourself up about it.”

It was worth a try, he thought, but Adam was a sensitive boy. Telling him not to beat himself up about it wasn't going to have much effect.

“Ben, from what I've heard here, and from Charlie, I'd say it was justifiable homicide, and as far as I'm concerned there's no need for me to take it any further. I think Adam should be proud that he saved his brother's life. That Zeb was a mean ...” he glanced up and saw Hoss was listening and changed what he was going to say,  “so and so. I wonder why they came to the Ponderosa? That's a long way from their usual haunts.”

“I know,” said Hoss. “They said they came 'cos everyone knew Pa'd gone 'plumb loco'.” He looked up at his father. “You ain't, are ya, Pa?”

 Ben smiled down at him. “No son. I'm not.”

Roy smiled. “I'm glad you're back, Ben. Those boys of yours need you. Especially Adam.” He shook hands with Ben and left.

Paul came over to him. “I've given Adam a sedative. I've put him to bed and now I'll look at you.”

By the time Hop Sing came home with Little Joe, all the excitement seemed to be over. Everything was back where it should be. The only physical evidence of their experience was Marie's damaged picture sitting on the desk. Ben smiled at his baby son as he came in the room, a bag of jelly beans squashed in his grimy hand. “Look, Hoss,” he said proudly. “Mr Cameron gaved me some jelly beans for you.”

“And what have you got for me, Little Joe?” Ben asked with a smile, holding out his arms. He'd nearly lost one son today, and it was only thanks to another that he hadn't. He'd been feeling so sorry for himself he'd almost forgotten how important to him these boys were.

 Little Joe's face lit up. “I got a big hug for you, Pa,” he yelled, nearly strangling his father in his joy. Ben hugged him back.

Hoss was telling Hop Sing all about their afternoon adventure. Ben only caught a few words, but he suddenly realised this was something Little Joe didn't need to know about. He told Hoss quietly not to say anything to his little brother. If Little Joe asked for Adam, he was to say he wasn't feeling well and had gone to bed early. He would tell Little Joe what he thought he could understand later. Hoss agreed. He didn't want Little Joe frightened. He was only a baby.
 
 

Adam woke late the next morning. He looked puzzledly at the clock when he realised it said nine o'clock. He leaped out of bed. Why was the house so quiet? Where was Little Joe? And Hoss? The chores had to be done. The men had to be organised. Why had no one woken him? What was wrong? He pulled on his clothes and then stopped abruptly. He dropped heavily onto the bed, his head in his hands. He'd shot a man yesterday. The very first time he'd had to aim at a man and he'd killed him. He hadn't meant to kill anyone. He'd just been trying to protect Hoss. All that practice had only been fun. He'd been so proud of his skill; so happy when Roy had praised him for being such a fast accurate shot. He hadn't really thought about carrying a gun that could take a life. Pa had told him it was a responsibility to carry a gun but he hadn't realised how great a responsibility it was. He didn't want that kind of responsibility. He had killed one man. He wasn't going to risk killing anyone else. The solution was simple. He wasn't going to carry one any more. This was one burden he could choose not to have.

There was a gentle knock at the door and his father came in, with a breakfast tray in his hands.

“Good morning, son. How did you sleep?” He watched Adam carefully.

Adam looked up at him, and Ben's heart was wrung by the sadness on his son's face.

“I slept fine, I guess, Pa,” he said. “Pa, what am I going to do? I killed a man yesterday.” His voice was despondent.

Ben sat down next to him, and patted his shoulder comfortingly. “I told you yesterday, son, you did what you had to do. You saved your brother's life. Thanks to you, Hoss is outside playing with Little Joe. It's unfortunate that Zeb Marsh died, but I don't think you could have done anything different.”

“Maybe not, Pa, but I have to live with it,” Adam said.

“That's true, son, you do. And it takes a certain kind of courage to be able to do that. How much harder would it have been to know you could have saved Hoss and didn't? Would you swap Hoss' life for anyone else's?”

Adam shook his head. “I'd give my own for his,” he said so softly that Ben only just heard him.

Ben gently squeezed Adam's arm. “I know, son. Just as I would for you-for all of you.”

Adam smiled gratefully at his father. Put like that, Adam thought, it didn't seem quite so bad. It wasn't death itself that bothered Adam. He'd seen plenty of dead people before, and even helped to bury some of them, and some of those had died violently. It was just that he had done the killing this time.

“Where are Little Joe and Hoss?” he asked.

“I've kept Hoss home from school today. We have to go into town to see the Sheriff and sign statements about what happened here,” Ben said. “Come on, son, we'd best get ourselves into town and get this over with” As they rose to leave, Ben suddenly grabbed Adam and hugged him. Adam wasn't much of one for hugging usually, but this time he enjoyed the warmth and comfort of his father's embrace, and hugged his father back.
 
 

They had saddled the horses and were just about to mount up when Hoss said, “Hey Adam, you forgot your gun.”

Adam shook his head. “No I haven't. I'm not carrying one anymore.”

Ben frowned. “Adam, go and put your gun on,” he ordered.

“Pa,” he said, distressed. “I don't want a gun anymore.” Ben thought he sounded just like Little Joe. If this wasn't so serious, he would have laughed.

“At the moment, Adam, that doesn't matter. You need to wear your gun into town today. Now go and put it on.” The tone Ben used was one that told Adam his father would permit no defiance. Adam obeyed, reluctantly. Ben could see Adam's distress, and he understood it, but he knew that there would be problems if Adam chose not to wear a gun. “I know you don't want to wear it, son, but there'll be talk if you arrive in town without it,” Ben explained. He couldn't think of a way to explain to Adam that he would be handicapped, his reputation damaged, if he didn't carry a gun. “It's like getting back on a horse that threw you. You have to face your fears, boy.”

 Adam buckled on his gun belt, deeply unhappy. He was afraid to wear it.

Roy smiled at the young man as he walked into the office with his father and brothers. Little Joe had been told the bare minimum, but Ben had decided to bring him along simply because he wanted all three of his sons with him. He'd neglected them long enough. All Little Joe knew was that two men had tried to rob them and Adam had saved Hoss' life.

“Howdy, Adam,” Roy said. “How are you feeling?”

Adam smiled politely at Roy. “I'm Ok, I guess, Sheriff,” he said. He didn't sound OK to Roy. Roy thought he sounded drained, defeated, miserable. He didn't look or sound like a seventeen-year-old boy should sound, but that was only to be expected. He was a responsible young man. He'd spent the last four months running the Ponderosa, shouldering that huge responsibility without complaint. He needed time to play, to learn to lighten up, but this death was going to prey on the boy's mind, unless his friends and family could do something to prevent it. “We’ll have to find a way to help him,” Roy told himself.

“I'd like you to write down what happened and sign the statements. Hoss, you tell me what happened and I'll write it for you” Roy said, grinning. He knew Hoss' spelling was atrocious! Hoss grinned back, relieved. It took a while, but eventually it was all finished to Roy's satisfaction. Even Adam smiled, though, when Roy had to call Hoss back to sign his statement with his real name. Pa only called him Eric when he was mad with him, and Hoss couldn't understand why he had to write Eric on formal documents. As they were leaving Roy said

“Adam, I'm glad to see you wearing your gun today. I was afraid you might not want to.”

“I didn't want to. Pa made me.” he replied. “I don't understand why you and Pa think it's so important. I'm afraid to wear it,” he admitted.

“It's simple, Adam. You killed a man yesterday. The whole town knows it. The stories will fly around, but most people will believe the truth-that you shot Zeb Marsh because he was shooting at Hoss. If you don't wear a gun you are telling people that you aren't able to face up to what you did, and maybe things aren't quite as the story you're telling goes. Your reputation is at stake here, boy. You don't want people pointing the finger at you or talking behind your back. You don't want people saying Ben Cartwright bought you out of trouble. You did what you had to do. You hold your head up high, Adam, and let people know that Adam Cartwright is a man of integrity.” he said, with an emphasis on 'man'.

Adam unconsciously straightened his shoulders and stood just that bit taller. Ben met Roy's eyes and nodded his thanks. The affection between Roy and Adam was mutual, and Roy's words had started the healing process. There was a long way to go yet, though. “Don't worry, Adam. Just remember, walk tall,” Roy said as they left the building.
 
 
 
 

Ben decided to keep his sons close by him for the rest of the day. This didn't upset Hoss. He was delighted to have an extra day off school. Little Joe was happy too. He and Hoss played with Little Joe's toys in the big room. They were both happy to have their father and brother so close and so attentive to them. Ben kept Adam close by too. They were going to go through the books. Before they started Hop Sing came in with some coffee for Ben and a snack for Adam. He knew Adam hadn't eaten any breakfast.

“You eat now, Mr Adam,” he said.

Adam stared at him. Hop Sing had never called him Mister before.

“You do man's work, you have man's name. You earn it.” Hop Sing said, decisively. Ben raised an eyebrow but said nothing to Hop Sing.

He flicked Adam's head gently with his fingers. “Don't let it go to your head, boy,”  he warned him. Adam smiled nervously. What if Pa didn't think he'd done a good enough job? What if he'd made some awful mistake somewhere and put the Ponderosa in jeopardy? Adam need not have worried. Ben had spent a good part of the night looking through the books. Adam had done a wonderful job. Not only had he kept the ranch going, he had done so profitably. They owed no money. They had two new contracts for lumber and one for cattle, and they were very favourable. He had had a long talk with Charlie about the ranch. When he had attempted to thank Charlie for keeping the place going, Charlie had shaken his head.

 “It wasn't me, Boss. It was Adam. I can tell the men what to do, but I can't plan it all. Adam did that. Worked out what needed to be done, when it needed to be done. Did all the figuring and planning for those new contracts. Sure, he talked with me about it, but Adam did all the work. And he was there working alongside the men,” he grinned. “They've taken to calling him Mister. Seems they felt it was more like having a boss if they did, an' most of them think Adam's done a real fine job. I think so, too. Took real good care of them brothers of his too.” Charlie had hesitated at this point. He was an old friend, but he didn't want to overstep the mark. “It's been awful hard for a kid of his age, Boss. I hope you're gonna take over now, 'cos he's about had it. He's exhausted. Little Joe wakes with nightmares every night, an' Adam's up with him, and then up with the dawn. An' now this business with them crooks.”

Ben was very impressed with what Charlie had told him, but slightly amused too. Adam was just a boy. He'd just better not let this “Mister” business go to his head, he thought, with a private grin.

He smiled at his son. “I've been looking at the books, Adam.” He glanced at Adam and saw the anxiety written all over Adam's face. He quickly reassured him. “No, son, you have nothing to worry about. You've done a wonderful job, Adam. I know it hasn't been easy for you. I'm very very proud of you, son.” He held up the contracts he'd been studying. “You can take me through these contracts though.”

They had his signature on them, but he didn't remember them at all. Adam was enormously relieved. His father's approval was so important to him. As they worked through the books together, and Adam explained his reasoning behind the contracts, Ben came to have a real appreciation of the work his son had done. He hadn't entirely believed Charlie about Adam doing all the work, until he realised that unless Adam had done as Charlie claimed Adam would have been unable to discuss the work done with such confidence and understanding. He began, too, to realise just what Adam had had to deal with. The Cartwrights were happy to spend the day together, and for the first time for many nights, Little Joe slept the night through.

Adam didn't, though. In the early hours of the morning, Ben was woken by a frightened yell from Adam.

 “No!” Adam yelled. “Stop. That's my brother!” Ben rushed to him. Adam was sitting bolt upright in bed, crying. Ben put his arms around him. Adam clung to him. “I was too late, Pa,” he sobbed. “I was too late.”

“It's all right, son,” Ben soothed him. “You just had a bad dream. Hoss is just fine. You can hear him snoring.” Ben held Adam until his tears eased, and he felt he could go back to sleep. He tucked Adam in and kissed him as if he were Little Joe. Adam smiled sheepishly up at him.

 “Pa, would you stay with me for a while?” he asked, swiping his hand across still-wet eyes. It was an endearingly child-like gesture, Ben thought, as he pulled the chair up closer to Adam's bed. Adam tucked his hand into his father's trustingly, seeking reassurance. Ben squeezed it, and settled into the chair. He stayed with Adam long after he fell asleep.
 
 

The next morning was back to normal as far as Ben was concerned. School for Hoss. Ben was surprised when Adam rose as Hoss was leaving. “Going somewhere, son?” he asked.

Adam nodded. “Yes sir. I'm going to ride to school with Hoss.” Hoss was pleased with the idea. He liked having company on the long ride to school. Ben wasn't so pleased. There was work to be done. But Adam was still looking pale and drawn, so Ben decided to permit it. It might make Adam feel better.

 “All right son. Be as quick as you can.”

Adam was chopping wood when three o'clock came around. He went to meet Hoss.

 Hoss was surprised when he saw Adam waiting for him. “Hi, Adam. Did Pa say you could come?”

Adam shrugged. “Didn't ask him. I didn't want you to come home alone.”

Ben came looking for Adam. The only person he could find was Hop Sing, but when he grumbled at Hop Sing about Adam leaving without telling him, Hop Sing merely shook his head.

 “Mr Adam man now. He make own decisions,” Hop Sing informed him.

“A man!” Ben exclaimed. “He's a 17 year old boy and I expect him to tell me, no, ask me if he may do something! He's not old enough to run his own life!”

Hop Sing shook his head. “In here,” he said, gently touching Ben's chest, “Mr Adam always a boy - your boy. But while father away boy grow into man.”

Ben wasn't convinced. As far as he was concerned, Adam was still a child who needed his father's protection and guidance. When Adam came home with Hoss he was surprised by his father's anger.

 “You do not leave this ranch without asking me if you may do so!” Ben yelled at him. “You know better than to go off who knows where without letting someone know!”

Adam flushed. He knew Pa was right. He'd just forgotten in his haste to get to school to meet Hoss.

 “I'm sorry, Pa,” he said. “I was just in a hurry. It won't happen again.”

Mollified by Adam's immediate and obvious contrition, Ben accepted his apology. “Haven't you two got chores to do?” He watched the two boys leave then called Adam back. “Where were you in such a hurry to get to that you couldn't let me or Hop Sing know?” he demanded.

Adam looked just a little defensive. “I went to meet Hoss at school,” he said. He squared his shoulders. “I'm going to meet him every day, from now on.”

He waited for his father's explosion, but it didn't come. Ben looked at him thoughtfully. Clearly Adam needed to do this. His sense of responsibility wouldn't let him leave his work unfinished without good reason.

“I understand, son,” he said. “You may do that for the time being,” he held up his hand to stop Adam interrupting. “You may do that provided you don't let it interfere with your work. Understood?”

“Yes sir,” he said.

 Things about the ranch seemed to have returned to normal. Ben was his usual irascible self, the ranch was running smoothly and as far as he could see, the boys had settled down too. All except for one thing. Adam almost refused to let Hoss out of his sight. At first Hoss enjoyed having Adam about, but it began to be embarrassing when he kept on doing it. The other kids were beginning to make fun of him, but the final straw came when Adam insisted on escorting him to his friend's place one Saturday, a couple of weeks later.

He protested to Ben, loudly. “It's not fair, Pa,” he said. “I know it makes Adam feel better, but all the other kids are makin' fun of me. Sayin' I'm a big baby who can't go anywhere without his nanny. Tell him to stop it, Pa,” Hoss begged. He didn't want to hurt Adam's feelings, but he was eleven years old. He wasn't just a baby like Little Joe.

Ben patted Hoss' shoulder. “All right, Hoss. I'll talk to him.” He wasn't sure that Adam would like this, but Hoss hadn't taken too long to overcome any after effects from the robbery. He'd thought Adam had seemed to have got over it too; the only after effects were that he had become Hoss' self appointed protector and it was driving the normally easy going Hoss crazy.

When Adam came in that afternoon to tell his father he was going to meet Hoss, Ben stopped him. “Just a moment, Adam,” he said pleasantly “I want to talk to you.”

Adam shook his head. “Sorry Pa, I can't just now, I have to go and meet Hoss,” he replied, as he headed for the door.

“No Adam,” Ben said firmly. “That's what I want to talk to you about. Come back here and sit down,” he ordered Adam in that “do as I tell you” tone that his sons knew well. Adam obeyed, but it was with extreme unwillingness.

 “Pa, I have to meet Hoss,” he repeated apprehensively as he sat. There was an undertone of fear in Adam's voice that worried Ben. Adam sat on the very edge of the seat, his whole posture showing his desperate anxiety to be on his way.

 Ben frowned slightly. “I'll be blunt, son. Hoss doesn't want you to pick him up any more. He's beginning to feel you don't trust him. And you're embarrassing him. When you were his age I remember you complaining at me when I wouldn't let you do things by yourself, and the area is much safer now than it was then.”

Adam looked unhappy. “But Pa,” he protested, “I just want to keep him safe. I have to look after him. I promised Inger. And I nearly didn't the other day...I wasn't here to keep him safe. Pa, please,” he begged. “Please. I have to do this.” He was almost in tears, a most unusual thing for Adam.

Ben hesitated. It wouldn't hurt Hoss to let Adam nursemaid him, but it might hurt Adam. He had been wrong about Adam having got over the shooting. He should have known Adam would take it to heart. Adam's fears had to be dealt with now, before they got any worse.

 “No Adam,” he said firmly. “I know you're worried, but you have work to do. I want all that wood chopped before supper. I suggest you get on with it.”

Adam's face fell, but he knew there was no point arguing with that particular tone of his father's.

 “Yes sir,” he said, in almost a whisper.

 Ben smiled at him. “Don't worry, son. Hoss will be fine, you'll see.”

Adam chopped the wood, but he didn't get the job finished before supper. He spent more time looking anxiously down the road to see if Hoss was coming than actually chopping wood. Ben left him to it. There was only so much a paternal order could do. Perhaps if Adam saw Hoss come home safely he would settle down a bit, he thought. He didn't get much work done himself that afternoon, as he watched Adam and worried about him. He worried more when Adam began having nightmares. He wouldn't tell his father what they were about but Ben had a fairly good guess. Not that that was hard, when Adam was yelling, “No! Stop! Don't shoot!” every night. The only nights he didn't have that nightmare were when Adam was with Hoss during the day, or if Ben let Adam meet Hoss. On those nights Adam slept soundly.
 

Ben met Roy one afternoon in Virginia City when he went in to get the mail.

“Got time for a coffee, Ben?” Roy asked. “I'm glad I caught up with you. I wanted to tell you that I heard Bert Smith escaped on his way to being tried in New Mexico. He was wanted for murder there.”

“You don't think he'll come back here, do you?” Ben worried. “He did threaten Adam.”

“I don't think so. He'll be anxious to get away-maybe go down to Texas or even Mexico. If he's caught he's due to hang in anyone of half a dozen states. I didn't want to tell Adam, but I just thought I'd mention it to you,” Roy replied comfortingly. “How's Adam doing, Ben? Got over the shooting yet?”

Ben shook his head. “Not as well as I'd like. Still tries to nursemaid Hoss, much to Hoss' disgust. He isn't sleeping too well either.”

“He always was sensitive. Maybe getting away from the ranch might help. Take him with you on one of those business trips of yours,” Roy suggested. “He might benefit if he's away from the ranch. And you've been teaching him to do those things for you.”

“On a business trip?” Ben replied. “He's just a boy. I can't let  him...”

“He's not just a boy, Ben. He's a young man,” Roy retorted. “He was man enough to run the ranch and take care of his brothers. Let him see that you've got confidence in him.” He grinned at his friend. “I hear the men call him Mister.”

Ben grinned in reply. “Yeah. Still amuses me whenever I hear it. But they respect him,” he said thoughtfully.

Roy nodded. “Don't want to be pushy, here, Ben” he said, “but seems to me about the only person who doesn't respect him as a man is his father.”

Ben was inclined to be indignant at this, but finally he nodded. “You could be right, Roy. I don't think there's been any of my so called friends who hasn't pointed that out to me in the last few weeks. Even Hop Sing did.” He smiled mockingly at himself. “Seems to me that perhaps I may be wrong. All right, then Roy. I'll think about it.”

So Ben was thinking about it. He finally decided that he would, so he was quite taken aback when Adam refused to go.

“I can't, Pa. Who'll look after Hoss and Little Joe if I go away?”

Ben scowled at him. “Last time I looked I was the person in charge around here, Adam. Leave me to decide what is best for your brothers-and for you, please.”

Adam opened his mouth to argue, when Ben cut across him. “Yes, I know I left you to run the ranch and take care of your brothers, and I'm sorry that it came to that. But now I am here, and I think I know better than you what needs to be done. Hoss and Little Joe will be fine. We'll only be gone a few days, and I want you with me. We will be leaving on Wednesday. And that is all the discussion I want to hear about it. Understood?”

Ben decided to go up to the high pastures to check on some cattle they were using to fill the contract Adam had tendered for.

 “Looking good,” he said approvingly to the hands as they rounded up the cattle.

“Sure, Boss,” said Jake, who was in charge up there. “Where do you want us to take them?”

Ben thought for a moment. “Put them in the eastern pasture,” he said. “That little lake will give them plenty of water.” The hands did as they were asked, and met Adam on his way back from Virginia City with the mail. He stopped and had a chat to Jake. Jake was one of Adam's strongest supporters.

“Howdy, Mr Adam,” he said, taking off his hat and wiping his face.

Adam grinned at him. He didn't think he would ever get used to being called 'mister'. He'd tried to persuade them not to, but they kept doing it. He'd stopped arguing with them. “What are you doing with those cattle?” he asked.

“Mr Cartwright said to take them down to the eastern pasture,” Jake began.

Adam shook his head. “No, don't do that,” he said. “That water's gone sour. Take them to the Old Meadow instead.”

Jake looked  at him, just a little worried. It was one thing to do as Mr Adam said when Mr Cartwright was away, but Mr Cartwright was here, now.

“It's OK, Jake,” said Adam, understanding his problem. “I'll explain to Pa.” It was unfortunate that Ben wasn't home when Adam got home. Adam put the problem out of his mind and got to work on the books. Ben had decided there was no reason why Adam couldn't keep doing them, since he did them so well.

Ben came home by way of the Old Meadow just as Jake arrived there with the cattle. He called Jake over. “I thought I told you to take them to the eastern pasture?” Jake was a little nervous. Mr Cartwright didn't sound pleased.

“Yes, sir, you did,” Jake replied, “but Mr Adam said the water there was sour and we should bring them here.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. “Mr Adam did, did he?” Well, he would have a word with “mister Adam” just as soon as he got home. “Leave them here, for now, Jake. It's getting late. Time you knocked off for the day anyway.” The men finished securing the fences, while Ben turned for home. He was angry. It was one thing to tell the men what to do; it was quite another to countermand his orders. By the time he got home he had worked himself up into a fine temper.

Adam was working on the books when his father stormed into the house. He took one look at his father's furious face and hastily got to his feet. Ben wasn't normally too fussy about insisting his sons rose when he entered a room. Manners in the Cartwright household were fairly informal, except when they had company. The other times his sons were very careful about respectful behaviour was when their father was angry. Adam had no idea what his father was angry about, but he wasn't taking any risks.

“How dare you?” Ben yelled, slamming his gun belt down on the table. “How dare you contradict my orders to the men? I tell the men to take the cattle to the eastern pasture and they tell me “MR Adam” told them to do otherwise! I told you not to let that  “mister” business go to your head! I am in charge around here, boy, and don't you forget it!”

Adam tried to explain. “I'm sorry, Pa, I was going to tell you.”

“Tell me?” shouted Ben. “You do not tell me anything! You ask me!”

“But Pa,” Adam tried again.

“I don't want to hear it,” Ben yelled. “I give the orders around here!”

Adam got mad. Pa simply wasn't listening. “I told them to take the cattle to the Old Meadow because the water in the eastern pasture is no good and we might have lost them. I was only thinking of the good of the ranch!” he yelled at his father. “And if you'd been around during the last few months you'd have known about that water!” He stopped, horrified. He hadn't meant to say that. “I'm sorry Pa,” he said. “I didn't mean ...” His voice trailed off at the look of pain and dismay on his father's face.

Adam's words stopped Ben in his tracks. Adam was absolutely right. It wasn't really fair of him to expect Adam to have done other than he did. He'd relied on Adam for so long, even before Marie had died. It was only because Jake had called him 'mister' that he was so annoyed. Adam had done exactly as he would have wanted him to do. What was it about the men calling Adam 'mister' that so annoyed him? He wondered to himself. He wasn't ready for Adam to be a man, yet, in spite of having always treated him as being older than his years, even when he was just a toddler.

In the meantime, however...He looked at his son. “You are right, Adam. If I had been around I would have known that, and you did the right thing. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to explain. But you must remember there can only be one person in charge here. “Mister Adam” isn't quite ready to take over from me just yet. And you just watch your manners, young man. You may be seventeen, but I expect respect from you. I am still your father.” Ben's tone was milder now.

 Thank goodness that storm was over, Adam thought. “I'm sorry I raised my voice to you, sir,” he apologised.

 “So you should be,” snorted Ben, settling into his favourite chair, “but I accept your apology. Just remember, boy, you may be too old for a tanning, but you're not too old to be disciplined.” Adam grinned at him. There had been times, riding home after a long dreary day in the saddle, working at whatever particularly unpleasant task his father had assigned him as punishment, that he'd wished Pa had simply tanned him and got it over with! His father smiled back as Adam went back to the books.
.

The trip to Sacramento was uneventful, but interesting for Adam. He worried about his little brothers, but Ben kept him too busy and the town was too interesting for him to have too much time for worry anyway. Ben took him to the theatre and to a concert, and left him to browse in a bookshop for an afternoon with ten whole dollars to spend on new books. Adam had been very surprised when his father had given him the ten dollars, with instructions to spend it on himself. He wasn't to spend it on his little brothers either.

“That's an awful lot of money, Pa,” Adam said. “I'm sure you need it for something for the ranch.” He offered it back.

Ben sighed to himself. Adam was always so careful with his father's money. “It's a gift, son. Consider it a bonus for all the extra work you had to do while I was away. A man has to worthy of his hire, and you are.” Ben grinned at him. Adam smiled proudly at that and went into the bookshop with a light heart.

 He also worked with Ben and the lumbermen on the completion of one of the contracts that Adam had tendered for. Ben wasn't sure who was prouder when the Sacramento businessmen he was working with congratulated them on the work that had been done.

“A well thought out and executed contract,” was the verdict. “You've done a good job, Mr Cartwright,” said Tom Biddlington, the yard manager.

Ben smiled, and shook his head. “Thank you, but the credit should go to Adam, here,” he said proudly. “It was all his work. He left me nothing to do.”

The two older men laughed, and Adam smiled politely while inwardly he was doing a dance of joy. Pa really was proud of him, he thought to himself. Pa would never had said he was publicly like that if he wasn't. The other thing that happened, or rather didn't happen, much to Ben's surprise was that Adam didn't have a single nightmare in the five days they were away. The only explanation he could think of was that while Adam was away from the ranch, where he knew he couldn't do anything, his driving need to protect his brothers was eased. Added to that, he thought, was that there was a lot more for Adam to think about. Those thoughts gave Ben an idea. He wrote a letter and posted it while they were in Sacramento.

A few days after their trip to Sacramento Ben told Adam that he wanted to go out to the lumber camp early the next morning. He wanted Adam to work right through the contract from beginning to end. The lumber camp was a good four hours ride away. Adam wanted to protest but he knew better than to do so. Ben had decided that he'd been sufficiently indulgent of Adam's fears, and that it was time he started to deal with them. He wasn't completely unfeeling, though.

“I know you're worried about your brothers,” he said as they rode out that morning, “but you don't need to be. They'll be just fine.”

Adam was neither comforted nor convinced, but he kept his worries to himself. Ben distracted him by talking, at length and in depth about the contract, so Adam didn't have time to worry. He didn't have time to worry while they were at the lumber camp, either. There was a lot to do to finish the lumber they were sending out for the second contract that Adam had tendered for, and Ben basically sat back and let Adam do all the work. Adam had been very surprised when, as they arrived, Ben had turned to him and said, with a smile, “Well, son. it's your contract, go get it finished off and shipped out.” He slapped his son gently on the back. “I'll be here if you need me, but you wrote the contract. You go do the work!”

Adam enjoyed himself enormously. With Pa there as backup, he could enjoy what he was doing. Ben watched him carefully but left him to it. It perhaps took longer than it would have if Ben was doing the final checking and signing of the worksheets, but Ben didn't mind the extra time. Adam was doing an excellent job. It was only his inexperience that slowed them up a little, and that was something only time would fix. As the last wagonload rolled out, Ben wandered over to his tired but happy son.

“A very good job, son. Well done,”  Ben praised. “It's getting late. Do you want to sleep here, or go home now?” Ben could have kicked himself when he saw Adam's face fall. The boy had put all his fears away, and he had thoughtlessly dragged them all back. He didn't wait for an answer. “On second thoughts, I think I'd rather go home now. I promised Little Joe I'd be home in time to put him to bed tonight.” That wasn't strictly true, but it would give Adam a chance to save face.

Adam smiled at his father gratefully. “I'll get the horses, Pa,” he said.
 
 

They rode home at a reasonable pace, but it was hot, and after a couple of hours Ben decided both he and the horses could use a quick water break. When they stopped Adam said, worriedly, “Pa, I've had a strange feeling that we're being watched. I've had it since we left the lumber camp.”

“Have you seen or heard anything that might make you think that, son?” Ben asked him. Adam shook his head. “No, it's just a feeling.”

“Then I think you're letting your imagination run away with you,” Ben said firmly. He wasn't exactly dismissing Adam's fears, but he put them down to his anxiety about his brothers. “I'll take the horses down to the water.”

While Ben took the horses down to have a drink, Adam took advantage of the break too. Ben heard footsteps behind him.

“That was quick, Adam” he began. He was interrupted, by a voice he'd heard before. “I ain't Adam, and you put yore hands up, real quick.” Ben did as he was told. “Now turn around real slow like, an' keep them hands up,” was the order.

Ben turned around. Facing him, looking even meaner than he had the last time he'd seen him, was Bert Smith. “Throw your gun over here,” he ordered. As Ben did so, Bert said, “I told ya I'd get yore boy fer shooting Zeb. When your boy comes back, I'm gonna let you squirm, an' watch while I shoot him. An' then while he's hurting, he's gonna watch while I kill you. Then I'll kill him.” He laughed unpleasantly.

Ben glared at him. He was thinking hard about how he was going to get out of this. It all really depended on what Adam would do. Adam wore a gun at his father's insistence, but he hadn't drawn it since the shooting. Ben didn't know if Adam was going to be able to use it. Would Adam be able to overcome his fears?

Adam returned while Bert was speaking. He stopped as he heard voices. He crept quietly to the edge of the trees and peered around the tree trunk carefully. He didn't like what he saw. He recognised Bert, and although he couldn't make out what Bert was saying he could see clearly enough Bert holding the gun on his father and his father's gun lying out of reach on the ground. He licked his lips nervously. There was really only one option here. He didn't dare yell. Bert might fire at his father. The safest thing he could do would be shoot the gun out of Bert's hand. He was an accurate shot - he knew that. He took a deep breath and wiped the sweat off his face. He dried his hands on the seat of his pants. His father's life depended on him.

Ben saw the glint of the sun on Adam's gun. He was greatly relieved - not because of the threat to his life, but because Adam was going to use it. It took all of his willpower not to watch as Adam knelt, though. He didn't want to give Bert any reason to look towards Adam's position. He decided to distract him. “Mind if I put my hands down? I'm getting tired. I don't know why you came back. I'd have guessed you'd be in Texas or Mexico by now,” he remarked.

“I s'pose you c'n put your hands down-slowly,” Bert said. “When I've got my revenge for Zeb, I'm goin' to Mexico. He'd do the same for me. An' I can't go to Texas, I'm wanted there.” Ben thought he sounded proud of himself. He put his hands down very slowly.

As he did so, Adam knelt and taking careful aim he fired at Bert's gun hand.

The sound of the shot reverberated in the still mountain air. Ben saw the gun spin into the air and he didn't hesitate. His fist shot out and he cracked Bert hard on the jaw. Bert took a swing at Ben, but Ben's fist hit him again, even harder. Bert toppled over and measured his length in the dirt. He lay very still. Ben looked down at him. “That one was for Marie,” he said with satisfaction. “If I'd seen him break Marie's picture I would have killed him with my bare hands,” he told his son, who had rushed over to his father.

“Pa? Are you all right?” he asked anxiously.

Ben grinned at him. “I am.” He rubbed his hand where he had hit Bert. “Bit of a sore hand though. Get some rope and tie him up,” he told Adam. Then he smiled at his son. “That was a fine piece of shooting , son. How are you feeling?”

“I feel fine, Pa” Adam replied, just a little puzzled. “Why don't I feel bad about this?”

“Probably because you knew it was what you had to do. You didn't kill any one, but you kept faith with yourself. I did wonder if you'd be able to use your gun, but I knew I could rely on you, Adam. I had to. Thank you, son,” Ben said, squeezing Adam's shoulder affectionately. “Let's get him to Roy.”

 Roy was surprised and impressed when Ben and Adam turned Bert Smith over to him. “You want to tell me what happened?” he asked, as he gave them a cup of coffee.

Adam took a sip of the coffee. “This is awful coffee, Sheriff,” he grinned.

Roy grinned back. “It's certainly not as good as Hop Sing's,” he agreed. “How did you come up with him?” He pointed over his shoulder to the jail cell with his thumb.

“I guess he must have been following us,” said Ben. “He took me by surprise while Adam was off in the bushes. There wasn't much I could do. It was Adam. He fired at his gun hand. A beautiful clean shot, Roy, you would have been proud of him.” Roy had told him of the practice session while Ben was away. “I'm very proud of him.” he smiled at his son.

Adam smiled back-a real smile. “I was scared. I knew I had to get him first time and I was afraid that  I might kill him too. But I could see it was a choice of him or Pa....and that was no choice at all. I have to keep my family safe-even if I have to do things I'm afraid of doing.”

Ben exchanged an uneasy glance with Roy. Adam had handled his need to use his gun well, but it had just reinforced his need to take care of his family. Ben hoped that the letter he had sent off in Sacramento would help solve Adam's problem.

When the reply came to his letter Ben sat Adam down. “Adam, I know you wanted to go to college and I was against the idea of you leaving to go so far away, but I've changed my mind. I've got the college application papers here.”

He stopped at the look on Adam's face. Joy, quickly followed by resignation and disappointment. Adam had been at first overjoyed. He wanted so much to go to college, and Pa had been so against it. Then he'd remembered. He couldn't go. He was needed here.

He shook his head. “I've changed my mind Pa. I don't want to go any more. I know how much it would cost and we need the money here.” He got to his feet. “Thanks anyway, Pa,” he said awkwardly as he turned to leave the room.

Ben wasn't having it. He'd tried to be patient, but he'd had enough of Adam's nonsense. Despite what he thought, the Cartwrights could manage without him. He wasn't indispensable. He was disappointed, too. Adam had been harping on going to college for some time, and Ben had been reluctant. He'd thought Adam would be delighted with his surprise. “Sit down Adam,” he ordered. “I haven't given you permission to leave.”

Adam obeyed. “I've tried to be understanding, Adam, but I've about had enough. I've told you before. I am in charge here. And it is up to me to decide what we can and cannot afford. Now, we are going to fill in these forms, and when we find out what you have to do to prepare for the entrance examinations to the college, you are going to do it. And you are going to do it to the best of your very considerable ability. Do I make myself clear?”

Adam swallowed hard. Why was Pa making this so difficult? He knew they could afford it. He should have told Pa the truth in the first place. Telling lies always got him into trouble, especially telling lies to Pa. He gulped a little. Now he was going to have to admit to Pa he'd been lying. If there was one thing that really made Ben angry, it was being lied to.

“Um Pa,” he said, a little nervously, “I...I should have told you the truth in the first place.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. He'd known that Adam was lying. Adam knew as much about the ranch's finances as he did, since he usually left Adam to do the tedious arithmetic. He folded his arms and glowered at Adam. “Well, boy? I hope you have a very good explanation for lying to me.” His voice made Adam gulp again. It always amazed Adam that his father could make him feel about six, with just the tone of his voice.

“I was afraid you'd be mad with me if I told you the truth,” Adam admitted candidly.

“Humph,” Ben snorted. “I'm mad with you now. You know I don't like being lied to.”

“I'm sorry, Pa. I shouldn't have lied to you.” He eyed his father a little nervously. “I can't go to college, Pa. I'm needed here. I have to look after you, and Hoss and Little Joe. I promised...”

“No, Adam,” Ben said flatly. “You've done a fine job of looking after your brothers and me, but it's my job. And it's my job to take care of you. I think you should let me do it.” He crossed the room and put his arm around Adam's shoulders. “I'm sorry I wasn't here to help after Marie died,” his voice faltered a bit, “and I appreciated you stepping into my job while I wasn't up to it, but you have to lead your own life, son.” He paused thoughtfully. “I know what an enormous sacrifice you would be making if I let you do this. I know how much college means to you. It makes me very proud that you are prepared to do that for the sake of your family. Since I came back, my friends,” he smiled a little, “have been telling me that you're not a boy any more; that you're a young man. I didn't want to believe them. You'll always be my boy. But the mark of a man is that he is prepared to make sacrifices, to do what he thinks is right in spite of the cost to himself. You're not quite a man yet, but I am very proud of the man my eldest son is becoming.”

He smiled at the pride and pleasure on Adam's face. “But I'm not going to let you give up college. I promised you once, a long time ago, a home and an education.”

“I don't remember that,” Adam said.

Ben smiled reminiscently. “No reason you should. You were only four, and you were asleep on my lap at the time. The home you have. The education you're going to get.” He grinned at his son suddenly. “You have to live Adam Cartwright's life, not mine. So I'll send off those forms to the college and see where we go from there. In less than twelve months Hoss will be old enough to have his own rifle, and you can teach him to shoot before then. So you won't need to worry about taking care of Hoss. It's time you started taking care of Adam. Are we clear now?”

Adam nodded. “Yes sir,” he said. He was uneasy, but Pa's tone had said there was to be no argument. And he really did want to go to college so much.

“In the meantime,” Ben said. “There is work to be done. Why are you sitting around here while the day is wasting?”