The Friendship
A Parody
 
by
Lissa B.  

A few weeks ago I saw the episode "The Friendship" for the first time - and I somehow found the expressions on the faces of Dan Blocker and Pernell Roberts in the last scene so hilarious that I replayed that part repeatedly. Here is what I imagine did NOT make it to the final cut:

Camera pulls away as Little Joe and generic no-good drifter convict with a hidden heart of gold (played this week by Dean Jones) ride away into the distance, laughing. As camera pulls away it finds Ben, Hoss and Adam seated on horseback, watching.

BEN (jauntily): Those boys have something money can't buy.

There is a prolonged silence. Hoss is looking down, concentrating deeply on his horse's mane, Adam is staring fixedly at the horizon. Ben looks a little puzzled, but tries again.

BEN (still jauntily, gazing after Joe and generic weekly drifter): Those boys have something money can't buy. (The silence deepens. Ben looks from Hoss to Adam) I believe someone has a line here?

ADAM (smiling sweetly): Hoss? Don't you have a line here?

HOSS (glaring): Could just as easily be your line.

ADAM (smugly): Could be. But you lost the toss. So now play fair and say your line. Come on. Pa is waiting.

HOSS (glare deepening): I always lose the toss. How come you always gotta be the one that flips? I'm a mite suspicious of that coin o' yers.

ADAM (cheerfully): Now, I always toss because you never seem to have any loose change. Keep spending it on all those cars of yours. You lost fair and square. Now be a good sport. (Horse whinnies questioningly. Adam soothes him.) Not you, boy.

HOSS: Fair and square my - let me see that coin!

ADAM (patting his pockets pensively): Hm. Can't seem to find it. Must have spent it somewhere.

BEN (explosively): Who cares about a miserable coin? This is the last frame before we can wrap for the day and my lifts are killing me! Somebody say the damned line!

Hoss scowls at Adam. Ben scowls at them both.

BEN (a little less jauntily): Those boys have something money can't buy. (Hoss mumbles something. Ben stares at him.) What was that?

HOSS (sullenly): My line.

BEN (incredulously): And I'm supposed to respond to that somehow? I don't even know what you said!

HOSS (guiltily): Ah, Pa, you know durn well what I said - it's in the script.

BEN (impatiently): I can't respond to what I read in the script! I have to respond to what you say - in the moment! I'm an actor, for God's sake! Now speak up!

ADAM (thoughtfully): Well, it is kind of a stupid line. I mean, why are you talking about money all of a sudden anyway?

BEN (losing patience): How do I know! I don't write this stuff! I just try to say it with conviction! That's my job! Do you think I could do it if I thought about it too hard? Now, I want you boys to behave like professionals! I'm going to say my line and someone damn well better cue me! (Clearing his throat and pasting the jaunty smile back on) Those two boys have something money can't buy.

HOSS (almost under his breath): Zat, Pa?

BEN (staring): Excuse me. That was NOT supposed to be my cue?

HOSS (stubbornly): I said it.

BEN (outraged): You call that delivery? That - that - where's that sweet, lovable, slightly vapid Hoss spin you usually put on things? Where is your characterization?

HOSS: There's vapid and then there's plumb stupid. And that line's just plumb stupid. (brightening suddenly) Say, y'know, we don't really NEED that line - you could just say both o' yers together.

BEN (now really angry): Oh, fine, and I'm supposed to sit out here and say all the stupid lines by myself, is that it? If I have to say this closer then, by God, you're going to do your part, too, like the professionals I've raised you to be! Now, no more nonsense from you two, or you're both going to bed without supper!

ADAM (cautiously): Um - Lorne - you DO realize that you're not really our father, don't you?

BEN (icily): Do NOT interfere with my suspension of disbelief while I am working. Of COURSE I realize that! Any REAL sons of mine would shut up and say their damn lines ON CUE! NOW! (Ben clears his throat noisily and arranges his face again in a bright smile, looking again after the two horsemen, now mere specks in the distance.) Those boys have something money can't buy.

HOSS (growling): What's that, Pa?

BEN (almost speechless): And what was THAT?

HOSS (irritably): My damn line!

BEN: That's enough profanity from you, young man, you are NOT supposed to sound angry!

HOSS (accusingly): Then tell him to stop laughing!

ADAM (doe-eyed and wounded): I'm not laughing!

HOSS (narrowing his eyes): Yer shoulders are shaking.

ADAM (sweetly sincere): Tears. It's a very moving scene.

HOSS: Why I oughta - (calming down, suddenly sly) Well, you go ahead an' laugh, mister. But I've seen next week's script an we'll see who'll be laughin' then. I know for a FACT that yer gonna halfta say "I love you very much" again.

ADAM (suddenly unsmiling): You're making that up.

HOSS (smugly): Uh-uh. An' don't you go tryin' ta turn that inta Joe's line again, neither. Just how many shows do you think he can say that in anyway without lookin' like a total fool? You gotta take a few of those sometime.

ADAM (brightening and obviously plotting): But I think he LIKES to say it.

HOSS: It's yer line and while yer sayin' it I'm gonna be standing right off camera, grinnin' like a fool!

Joe comes galloping up, followed by weekly generic drifter.

JOE: For Pete's sake - we've ridden half way to Kansas - aren't you guys done yet? You had like - what - three lines? We need to wrap - Dean has an audition with Disney for something called The Love Bug.

BEN (sternly): Well, boys? Do you think we could wrap this up?

ADAM (cheerfully): I'm ready. Say, Joe, there's a line in next week's script and they can't decide whether it should go to you or me. I hate to see you shorted on lines. Just to be fair, what do you say we flip for it later?

JOE (suspiciously): What kind of line?

ADAM (seriously): Oh, very romantic. I'm not sure I can handle it.

JOE (pleased): Oh. Okay.

Hoss scowls at Adam. Adam smiles brightly in return. Ben glares at both of them meaningfully, then adopts his jaunty expression once more.

BEN: Those boys have something money can't buy.

HOSS (barely able to choke it out): What's that, Pa?

BEN (triumphantly): Friendship!

He beams at Hoss and Adam. Hoss is glowering at Adam. Adam's eyes are downcast and he is shaking with suppressed laughter. The camera cuts hastily away. Adam pulls a coin out of his pocket and tosses it casually in the air. At the sight of the coin, Hoss's glower deepens.

ADAM: Okay, Joe, what'll it be? Tell you what, I'll take heads.

 
 

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