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THE GAMBLER SPEAKS PAGE
An addendum to the Death Dogs Canon v. Fanon Page
Ezra's speech is so often exaggerated in fanfic that I thought I'd put together this little page with some examples of how he really did speak. Some writers seem to think if they take a normal sentence then swap out every word for a longer one found in a thesaurus they have instant Ezra-speak. Study the way he actually spoke - fancy yes, unintelligible, no. But the written word can't beat the spoken In addition, to listening to the show itself, give a listen to Zeke Black's Quotes & Audio Clips
Myth # 1: Exclusive use of surnames, even with his friends.
By our calculations, Ezra addressed his friends by name 47 times in the series: 18 times by their last names, 29 times by their first names. Ezra never addressed Josiah and JD by their surnames, generally addressed Buck by his first name, generally addressed Vin by his last name and was split as to Chris and Nathan. It breaks down as follows:
Chris: 4 to 2
"Mr. Larabee, might I assume you've come to take me with you? (One Day Out West)
"You do realize, Chris, that even if all 7 of us worked the rest of our lives, we'll never make this much money. (Serpents)
"Mr. Larabee, am I to assume that you have doubts as to my honesty?" (Serpents)
"Mr. Larabee, in the future, I believe it would be best just not to burden me with other people's money." (Serpents)
"What about you Mr. Larabee? What moniker would you choose? (Obsession)
"If you prefer the bunkhouse, Chris, I'll take the featherbed." (Obsession)
Buck: 3 to 10
" Mr. Wilmington. At last, someone of maturity to end my ordeal. (One Day Out West)
"Buck. It's Coltrane. (Safecracker)
"Well, then brace yourself Buck, 'cause here comes ugly. (Manhunt)
"Hey, Buck. What's all the commotion?" (Sins of the Past)
"Hey, Buck, hold up. I see you've espied our comely young widow. (Wagon Train)
"I'll admit that I'm not as indiscriminate in that area as yourself, Mr. Wilmington." (Wagon Train)
"Oh, for shame, Mr. Wilmington, you know a gentleman never tells. Which is why I was hopin' Vin might. (Wagon Train.)
"Buck -- if you would, please. This time with...dignity." (Working Girls)
"Cheated! Oh, you're an accomplished cheater, I'll give you that, but you're still a, uh... Help me out here, Buck" (Achilles)
"Buck? [waving hand in front of face] (Serpents)
"You're the ladies' man, Buck." (Penance)
"Where you goin' Buck? (Love & Honor)
"We'll figure another way out of this, Buck. Stand down." (Love & Honor)
Vin: 7 to 1
"What are you attempting to suggest, Mr. Tanner?" (The Collector)
And, uh...the interest? Mr. Tanner? (The Collector)
"Well...as always, Mr. Tanner, your timing is impeccable." (Chinatown)
"Ah, Mr. Tanner! A votre sante." (Achilles)
"Mr.Tanner, the only thing I am ready for at this ungodly hour is the comfort of my down pillow." (Wagon Train)
"Hey Vin, I'll meet you back at camp. We'll hold them down. (Wagon Train)
"Little touchy, aren't we, Mr. Tanner?" (Wagon Train)
An apt description Mr. Tanner." (Vendetta)
JD: 0 to 4 (Ezra also addressed him as "Son" 3 times)
"You might want to work on your repertoire, son." (Inmate 78)
"JD, will you assist me in escorting Mrs. Standish to the jail? (The Trial)
"JD, heads up!" (New Law?)
"I don't believe he invited you, son." (New Law)
"Well, JD, what oracle of wisdom has our new marshal revealed? (New Law)
"Now son don't fret." (Sins of the Past)
"Listen, JD, I just want you to know that despite your betrayal ..." (Sins of the Past)
Ezra also addressed JD in other ways:
"Don't do this, my friend." (One Day Out West)
"Well, sir now that we are rid of that loathsome curmudgeon you may effect my emancipation." (One Day Out West)
"Hello, Judas." (Sins of the Past)
Josiah: 0 to 6
"Why'd you sign on Josiah?" (Pilot)
"Josiah. So...you have any biblical parables for grifters?" (The Trial)
"Now, you hold on just one minute, Josiah" (Serpents)
"What about you, Josiah?" (Sins of the Past)
"If you'll excuse us, Josiah, heartwarming family reunion and all." (Sins of the Past)
"Josiah! Whiskey!" (Vendetta)
Nathan: 5 to 6Myth # 2: Ezra the unintelligible. Here are some examples of his speech pattern. A little fancy but quite understandable.
"What about you Mr. Jackson? You willing to ride with an old Southern boy?" (Pilot)
"My. apologies Nathan, but I've ...legal issues of my own to deal with." (The Trial)
"That would be financially imprudent, Mr. Jackson." (Chinatown)
"Well, Mr. Jackson, you're now indebted to me for $7. (Chinatown)
"Nathan... the man is facing his final summons." (Wagon Train)
"Why, Nathan, you doubt my sincerity?" (Wagon Train)
"That is your land, Nathan, and...I'll fight O'Shea all the way to the Supreme Court for it." (Wagon Train)
"If you don't mind, Mr. Jackson." (Lady Killers)
"Nathan, on your right!" (Obsession)
"Now that the down payment's been made, all that's needed are a few prudent investors to infuse a little working capital. Mr. Jackson?" (Sins of the Past)
"Hey, Nathan, get back here!" (Sins of the Past)
"My friend, this child has the gift." (The Collector)
Addressing his friends as a group, Ezra usually used "Gentlemen" or "Boys."
Referrals: When not speaking to them directly, but speaking of them to others, the use of first names also predominates 8 to 3:
"Our Mr. Dunne is imbued with far too much zeal. Boy would've rode clear to Bolivia if I'd let him." (Lady Killers)
"Chris puts a tad more trust in Vin's instincts than I do." (Manhunt)
"Seems Mr. Larabee is wanted for several stage coach robberies." (Inmate 78)
Which is why I was hopin' Vin might. (Wagon Train.)
"When it comes right down to it, I do believe Chris considers me a larcenist." (Serpents)
"Fortunately, you now have an opportunity to place a small wager on Buck's upcoming contest." (Love & Honor)
"I've seen Mr. Wilmington handle a pistol. I have every confidence our Buck will prevail. (Love & Honor)
(Reminding Maude of his name) "Josiah" (Sins of the Past)
"You can't have Nathan . He's one of my investors." (Sins of the Past)
Ezra chats up the ladies: You might think Ezra would always address women by their surnames but he doesn't. He calls Inez Senorita Recillos after he first meets her in The Witness. However, it's "Thanks Inez," when she brings him a beer in Love & Honor. He also refers to and calls Mary by her first name as in The Trial: "Mary just received a telegraph claiming that you absconded with a pair of diamond cufflinks." And, "Now, I would suggest that Mary search your bag just so you might acquit yourself of these...ridiculous charges."
"Stand aside, sir. You are... obstructing my view. This should be... [sighing] a piece of cake. (pilot)
"Nonsense, I was encumbered by the debris on the floor." (pilot)
"My, my... how astonishing. I've never done that before." (pilot)
"Well, then . . . you'd best discuss amongst yourselves which one of you is going to die." (pilot)
"Dreadful. I was aiming to kill him but the... mirror was cracked." (pilot) [In response to Vin's "Nice shot pard."]
"Well, sir . . .I abhor gambling and as such, leave nothing to chance." (pilot)
"Five dollars . . . wouldn't even pay for my bullets." (pilot)
"Hell, I couldn't stay away, not once I saw I'd be riding with a genuine celebrity... " (pilot)
[To Josiah] "Well, well, a sense of humor. I look forward to many lively conversations." (pilot)
[To one of the Seminole children] "There are two kinds of people in this life, my friend: those who seek battle and seem not to fear death-- like them [indicating the others of the 7] -- and those who avoid battle but will stand and fight to the death if their loved ones are threatened-- like them. [Indicating adult Seminoles] That is true courage." (pilot)
[Referencing speech above as he rides away from the fight] "Then there's the third kind."
[As Ezra returns] "I wouldn't want to miss this. Nobody move, or he's dead. I leave you boys alone for five minutes and look what happens."
SERGEANT: You'll only get one shot off before we take you.
E: Then you best discuss amongst yourselves which one of you is going to die.
"I know. I can't imagine what came over me." [when his bluff with the empty powder keg doesn't work] (pilot)
[Response when Vin says, "You shoot a cannon pretty well, pard."] " Dreadful. I was trying to hit Anderson." (pilot)
Gentlemen, gentlemen... please, this is obviously an unfortunate case of mistaken identity. (ODOW)
"Well, sir, now that we are rid of that loathsome curmedgeon you may effect my emancipation." [This is one of the sentences JD doesn't understand.]
[Simplified for JD] "Let me out." (One Day Out West.)
"Ah, Mr. Wilmington. At last, someone of maturity to end my ordeal." (One Day Out West)
"I see you are likewise disenchanted by this establishment's fine cuisine." (One Day Out West)
"Lucas, my dear friend. You so discourteously left me behind." (One Day Out West)
"Would you courtesans excuse us for just a moment, please." (One Day Out West)
"It's a pity that I, as a convicted felon will be unable to lend my services." (One Day Out West)
"Uh, listen, perhaps, after you're more rested we could discuss a solution to your predicament. I have a few ideas." (Working Girls)
"A gentleman does not debase himself by engaging in menial labor." (The Collector)
"When the sanctified dead rise from their graves to receive judgment, I'll start doling out cash." (The Collector)
In case you decide to shoot him I'd appreciate the restitution of my jacket first. (The Collector)
"And some very fine haberdashery, I might add." (Inmate 78)
"I believe a little subtlety is in order." (Inmate 78)
"Whereas I find that shocking and most unfortunate, I am hardly a social reformer." (Chinatown)
"Now, look, darlin', where I come from, a gentleman does not take advantage of a lady who feels obliged." (Chinatown)
"Sir, I take umbrage at that heinous accusation. (Chinatown)
"I will not sit here and be viciously maligned. (Chinatown)
"I believe you owe me $7 ... and an apology." (Chinatown)
"I may be a scoundrel, but I'm still a gentleman." (Chinatown)
"Madam, amongst my many misdeeds, taking advantage of a woman has never been one of them." (Chinatown)
"I am a man, of course. I always want to, but I certainly don't intend to. (Chinatown)
"You said the word but your intention was clearly lascivious." (Working Girls)
A lady...would have slapped his oafish, drooling face." (Working Girls)
"How did I allow myself to fall into a career in law enforcement?" (Serpents)
"We don't get paid enough to endure these indignities." (Serpents)
"Fear not. Sharing the wealth would not be my first instinct." (Serpents)
"You know, I can endure the torments of Hell, and I believe I have to the benefit of this entire town. But I cannot abide the fact that my associates don't trust me." (Serpents)
"Cherchez la femme." (Obsession)
"It's not your greed that offends me. It's your ingratitude." (To Buck in Penance)
"I suggest we leave before the cold shroud of Puritanism smothers us all." (New Law)
"I neglected to abide by a fundamental tenet of my line of work. Never gamble with an entire clan." (New Law)
"I was not made for honest labor." (Sins of the Past)
"It's a mathematical certainty" (Sins of the Past)
"Well, over the years, I've acquired a certain, tactile sensitivity." (Sins of the Past)
"You gentlemen occasionally lack the basic skills of tact and diplomacy." (Inmate 78)
"That woman's deviousness knows no bounds. First she purchases this lovely establishment right out from under me, and now she... she sashays into town and sells it to those unfortunate scoundrels at the first whiff of filthy lucre." (The Trial).
"Well. well. My, my. You know, it's a touch baroque, but... I like what you've done with the place." (To Maude about her jail cell in The Trial).
"All right, suit yourself. Uh...holler if you change your mind." (A more plain spoken statement to Maude.)
"My, my, I don't know how you managed to resist such a display of ardor." (The Trial).
"Josiah. So... you have any biblical parables on hand for unrepentant grifters?" (The Trial)
"Only if you want to starve to death. You'll want a chef and a maid. Trust me." (The Trial).
"Tryin' to ingratiate myself with these good people. Better to ascertain information." (Chinatown)
"You know what they say. No good deed goes unpunished." (Chinatown)
"I don't need to work, my friend. I get paid every time you boys sit down to a game." (Safecracker)
[Response to "You saying I cheated?"] "Oh, not at all. I'm saying you cheated badly. The queen I dealt you is tucked neatly in your right boot. I detest an amateur." (Safecracker)
[when cheater wants to know how Ezra found him out] "Lessons will cost you extra. Good day."
"I heard the distinct report of gunfire emanating from the street. Everything all right?" (Achilles)
"Well, I must be the chosen one because it would appear that the three wise men have come to pay me a visit." (Achilles).
"I was just wondering how big a hole do you think a .45 caliber slug can make? (One Day Out West)
"As I was shufflin', I saw those jacks. They were at the bottom of the deck. Even though he cut the cards, they'd end up somewhere around the middle. Oh, the treachery." (Achilles)
"Don't let these bloodshot eyes fool ya 'cause they'll be watching very closely to ensure that our little contest is on the up and up." (Achilles)
"That, I believe, would be imprudent." (Nemesis)
"The local residents have a rather marked predisposition against people of your, uh... geographical origins." (Nemesis)
Ezra: "Could be an interesting creative challenge for you, Mrs. Travis-- turning this situation into one of your pro-Indian editorials."
Mary: "We don't know his story yet, Mr. Standish."
Ezra: "Lovely young woman abducted from her home by a savage-- couldn't we hazard a guess?" (Manhunt)
Ezra: Well... it seems you've misplaced the rest of your party. What happened to Mr. Mosely and his posse? You go around them?
Vin: It was that or throw Chanu to the wolves.
Ezra: An intriguing option.
Not a Myth - Ezra with children
"Uh, well done, my little craftsmen but there is plenty more to do."
"Of course. A deal's a deal. Gather 'round. I did say that if you work I'll show you tricks."
All right, children let's see what we have wrought. Spectacular. You've all earned another trick. Gather 'round gather 'round. If my lovely assistant would pass me my blindfold, please. Thank you very much. This one is called "Aces High."
"Prepare to be amazed."
"To find the mystical ace of spades one must become sensitized to its vibration. Now, of course, I will expect you to applaud as I have taught you. For, when one is sensitized one can better ascertain its location." (pilot)
[To one of the Seminole children who refers to Ezra as brave] "There are two kinds of people in this life, my friend: those who seek battle and seem not to fear death -- like them [indicating the others of the 7] -- and those who avoid battle but will stand and fight to the death if their loved ones are threatened -- like them. [Indicating adult Seminoles] That is true courage." (pilot)
CHILD: Ezra... Can I come?
EZRA: A brave warrior like you? You got to stay here and protect the village. You remember what I taught you?
CHILD: Never draw to an inside straight. (pilot)
[To Olivia in Safecracker]
EZRA: What's your pleasure, Olivia? How about go fish?
OLIVIA: Five card stud, deuces are wild.
EZRA: What a delightful child.
EZRA: Your dexterity with the cards is amazing, my dear. Kid's a natural.
JOSIAH: Finally met your match, eh, Ezra?
EZRA: Well, what have you got?
OLIVIA: Aces back-to-back.
See also another exchange with little Olivia below in the Ezra Nathan exchanges.
EZRA & NATHAN
[In the Beginning] "Would, uh... would he be riding with you?" [indicating Nathan.] " Not interested." (pilot)
[The turn around for Ezra]
E: It's fine. I just... bruised it when I fell.
N: No, no, no, that ain't no bruise, now. Let me see.
E: I said it's fine.
N: Suit yourself.
[Nathan grabs Ezra, who yelps in pain when Nathan yanks on his arm]
N: Just like I thought, you dislocated it. Might be sore for a little while but at least you have two hands to cheat at cards with.
[Ezra looks pensively after Nathan]
[The implied apology]
E: What about you, Mr. Jackson? You, uh, willing to ride with an old Southern boy?
N: I figure I'll stick around for a while help these folks get things right.
[This is the first of Nathan's verbal attacks on Ezra. In an interview with Rick and Ron, Ron indicated that the idea for this first confrontation came from Tony.]
EZRA: Yes, but they won't attract a husband in their natural state, So... let's try again. Buck-- If you would, please. This time with... Dignity.
NATHAN: Dignity?! You know... It take a bold man to talk about dignity when he trying to sell women off like they're cattle.
EZRA: I'll ignore that.
NATHAN: You better do that. How else you going to get some sleep tonight?
EZRA: Anything else?
NATHAN: About making profit off the back of another human being? Hell, yeah, I got a lot to say. But... it would just be wasted on you.
EZRA: Olivia, how is it you knew the gentleman in the saloon was cheating?
OLIVIA: I learned to spot a double deal in prison.
EZRA: Now, there must be a way to put a god-given talent like that to use.
NATHAN: Why do you always have to wrap an angle on somebody else's pain?
EZRA: Pain? My friend, this child has the gift.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: Hey, like to buy girl? She can do many things. Not only cook and clean, but love, too.
NATHAN: You can't sell that girl.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: She my niece. I can do what I like with her. Hey, she very pretty, huh?
KYLE: I'll give ya a dollar for the girl.
NATHAN: Mister, you get the hell out of here.
KYLE: Hey, boy! This is Central Pacific land. You got no authority.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: $1.00. You can have her for $1.00.
NATHAN: Wait. Hold it. Wait, wait. $2.00.
NATHAN: Help me out here, Ezra. You see that man's eyes? He's trying to sell his niece so he can buy opium.
EZRA: Whereas I find that shocking and most unfortunate, I am hardly a social reformer.
NATHAN: Well, I ain't turnin' a blind eye to slave trade. $4.00. I got $4.00.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: You like. She make you very happy. You buy.
KYLE: 10. $10.
NATHAN: I'm out of money.
EZRA: No wonder, the way you spend it.
NATHAN: You're gonna take those winnings, and you're gonna buy that girl out of her trouble.
EZRA: Heh heh. That would be financially imprudent, Mr. Jackson.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: You pay $10? More than $10?
NATHAN: Wait, wait. You cough up that money, or else I'm gonna tell them where you're hidin' those extra dominoes.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: Anybody pay more than $10? All right, you take.
LI PONG'S UNCLE: $11. It's a deal. You buy. She's yours.
KYLE: You're gonna regret you did that.
EZRA: Oh, I already do.
NATHAN: Mister, I done seen some low things in my life, but I ain't never seen nothin' like this. You're free to go.
EZRA: You heard the man. Best be on your way now.
NATHAN: You got someplace you can go? Huh?
EZRA: Well, Mr. Jackson, you're now indebted to me for $7.00.
[Later in Ezra's room]
NATHAN: Ezra! Hey, that girl's been lookin'-- Oh, you keeping yourself a slave girl now, huh?
EZRA: Sir, I take umbrage at that heinous accusation. I emancipated this girl. You saw it with your own eyes.
NATHAN: And those same eyes are seeing this.
EZRA: I will not sit here and be viciously maligned.
NATHAN: I don't care what you do. I'm taking this girl with me. Come on, honey. Come on.
LI PONG: Please let me stay. I have nowhere else to go.
EZRA: Now, now, darlin', You don't have to go anywhere. You are quite welcome right here. Assuming a bedroll on the floor will suffice?
LI PONG: Anyplace will do. Thank you.
EZRA: All right now, calm down. As for you... I believe you owe me $7.00... and an apology.
NATHAN: We'll see.
EZRA: It's... When it comes right down to it, I do believe Chris considers me a larcenist.
JD: Nah, Ezra. I think he just doesn't trust you with money.
EZRA: I'll admit I made a strong case on our behalf. But he can't seriously think that I'd abscond with it.
NATHAN: You know, I wish I knew what to say, Ezra.
EZRA: You know, I can endure the torments of Hell, and I believe I have to the benefit of this entire town. But I cannot abide the fact that my associates don't trust me. No, sir.
CHRIS: We wanna know who hired him, so take him alive. Josiah, the money well hid?
JOSIAH: I give it to Ezra.
CHRIS: Ezra? What's the matter with you?
JOSIAH: It's servin' a purpose.
NATHAN: Yeah, makin' Ezra rich.
EZRA & MAUDE
From The Witness:
MAUDE: Well, this is a sweet little town, Ezra.
EZRA: Wonderful. Just what I want to hear.
MAUDE: What on earth are you talking about?
EZRA: Mother, what are you doing here? Did something happen in St. Louis?
MAUDE: Well, things got a bit complicated there.
EZRA: Oh, really?
MAUDE: I thought it prudent to disappear for a while. Your letters spoke of this town's potential.
EZRA: I knew I should have left off my return address.
[Maude drops handkerchief & flirst with man who picks it up]
EZRA: A handkerchief? The oldest ruse in the book.
MAUDE: One can always rely on the classics. Appearances are everything, darling.
[After suitcase drops and bricks tumble out.]
EZRA: Rare masonry from ancient Rome. Very valuable.
[In saloon with Josiah, JD & Vin]
MAUDE: He takes his little skirt, and he puts it on the poor dog and makes her dance the cancan--
Full house-- and I said, "Ezra, honey you better be careful. Elsie's going to bite you," but he keeps dancing around and 'round until she goes... ( barks )
And she nips him on the kisser. So he pulls off her skirt, and he says "Well, fine, then, you'll just have to dance naked."
VIN: Ezra... we're just hearing about you and your dawg.
JD: The naked dancer.
EZRA: If you'll excuse us, gentlemen. My mother needs her rest.
MAUDE: My, my.
JOSIAH: She looks just fine to me.
VIN: She done cleaned us out.
EZRA: Well, how about that?
MAUDE: Well, I thank you gentlemen for the libations.
JOSIAH: Uh, you need some help carrying my money?
MAUDE: I think I can handle it.
JOSIAH: Good night, Maude.
MAUDE: Good night.
EZRA: I've never had a dog named Elsie and I certainly never dressed her up.
MAUDE: Well, it's still an adorable story
MAUDE: Since when do you go riding after little runaway boys?
EZRA: Well, the kid's mother wields considerable influence around here. It'll be good to have her owing me a favor.
MAUDE: That's my boy. Always working an angle.
MAUDE: I understand they found the boy.
EZRA: Yeah, scared out of his wits but we found him.
MAUDE: Poor boy. You've ingratiated yourself quite well with this town.
EZRA: I've made a few acquaintances, nothing more.
MAUDE: A position rife with opportunity Wouldn't you say? I found the perfect mark-- a Mr. Wheeler owns the hotel. In fact he and I are spending this very evening together.
MAUDE: We'll use the same con we pulled in Chicago. You know, the cotton gin investment.
MAUDE: Excuse me?
EZRA: I said no. Is that clear? The answer is no.
MAUDE: Now, now...
EZRA: Listen, mother, I've got this town believing that they can trust me to protect it from people like you... hell, from people like me.
MAUDE: I thought that protection job was just a front.
EZRA: Well, of course it is.
MAUDE: Now, you haven't gone and joined the ranks of the employed, have you? Now, that would be undignified. Ezra... Ezra... What a waste of your god-given gifts. I raised you better than that.
EZRA: R-raised me? Did you say raised me? Come on, now, mother. You didn't raise me as well as, uh... as a stray cat raises a litter. You-you dumped me. Remember? At every aunt and uncle's house you could find. Unless, of course, you needed me... for a con.
MAUDE: I taught you a trade. I did the best I could. I'm sorry if it wasn't good enough.
[Staged conversation in Witness]
MAUDE: You raise them, you shower them with love and what happens? They grow up to despise you. What's the point in having them in the first place?
WHEELER: Well, I wouldn't know, ma'am. I never had any.
MAUDE: Smart man. And good-looking. It's a deadly combination.
EZRA: Bartender! A whiskey, if you please. Well, we saved him. He's safe and sound.
MAUDE: Saved who?
EZRA: The Travis boy.
MAUDE: Well, bully for you, Ezra. Now you can return him to the mother who cares.
EZRA: Oh, my, my, how foolish of me. I actually thought you might take some maternal pride in all this but I forgot, you are bereft of such instincts.
WHEELER: Perhaps... I should be going.
EZRA: No, no. Don't bother. I'm the one who's going.
MAUDE: Where? To protect some little lost kitten?
EZRA: Touche. As a matter of fact, I'm going back to the jail to find out who hired those men. Then I'm going to hunt the bastard down...
EZRA: ...and rip his throat out.
MAUDE: How pleasant.
EZRA: Well, then... I won't invite you to watch.
MAN: Good idea. They shouldn't be doing that.
MAUDE: Vultures. Please don't feel obliged to stay. I just don't fancy watching a man being dismembered.
WHEELER: Di... dis-membered?
MAUDE: That's what a mob does to people who prey on little children. Oh, I've seen it before. Eyes gouged. Limbs torn clean off. Innards yanked out.
WHEELER: Excuse me, ma'am, but I really do have to go.
MAUDE: Well, certainly, Mr. Wheeler.
EZRA: Well, although harsh words were spoken I want you to know that, uh... in my heart...
JOSIAH: Uh, ma'am. I do believe I'll die if you leave.
EZRA [whispered about Josiah]: Penniless.
MAUDE: So nice to meet you. I'm sorry, darling.
EZRA: Well, I... I just want you to... Take care of yourself.
MAUDE: I always do, Son. Good-bye.
JOSIAH: Extraordinary woman.
EZRA: Oh, yes, indeed.
From Sins of the Past:
MAUDE: Bring it up on the left. Make sure that's well-secured, now. That's it. That's good. That's good.
EZRA: "World Famous Ritz." Oh, how optimistic.
MAUDE: I have every reason to be, dear.
EZRA: So tell me, Mother, which con did you use on our recently dispossessed Swedish friend? The floating king? You're very good at that one.
MAUDE: There was no need to use sleight of hand. The man's dumber than a shovel. So what do you think?
EZRA: Well, frankly, of all the endeavors I thought you might undertake, hotel proprietress was not one of them. Why are you in town?
MAUDE: Well, I just wanted to be close to my sweet little baby boy. And look at you. I never thought you'd become a bartender.
EZRA: Owner, Mother. I've become a man of commerce. (Sins of the Past)
EZRA: If you'll excuse us, Josiah, heartwarming family reunion and all. You understand.
JOSIAH: Oh, of course.
MAUDE: Honestly, Ezra, you've been as sour as a grape since I arrived.
EZRA: Well, perhaps that's because I have a distinctly uneasy feeling about you and I both owning businesses on the same street in the same town. (Sins of the Past)
MAUDE: Have you lost your mind? The sign outside says "Drinks for a penny." What next? Pay people to come in here? My God. At this rate, you'll be broke in no time.
EZRA: Well, isn't that the object of your little exercise, Mother? Might as well help it along.
MAUDE: Oh, and that you have. I have just come from the bank, where I discovered that you paid your own money to buy this glorified shack!
EZRA: Well, who else's money was I supposed to use?
MAUDE: Somebody else's. Anybody else's.
EZRA: Right, right.
MAUDE: Ezra, rule number one-- never run a deal on your own money. Good Lord, I thought I taught you better than that. What have all my efforts been for?
EZRA: Your efforts? Your efforts?
Exactly what effort have you ever exerted that wasn't entirely self-serving?
EZRA: Well... you win, Mother. You always do.
MAUDE: Well, of course, Darling. I've known you since you were an itty-bitty baby. That's always gonna be my trump card. That's a mother's advantage. Now, come here and give me a kiss before I leave.
EZRA: You're leaving? But your place is a gold mine. It's booming.
MAUDE: Well, that's the whole idea. You buy depressed property, you get it going, and then you sell it at the height of its popularity. I made a fortune.
EZRA: Spend it in good health, mother.
MAUDE: Oh, I already did. I reinvested it in another very depressed property.
EZRA: You aren't-- you can't possibly be--
MAUDE: Yes. The new owner of the Standish Tavern. Banks are delighted to sell paper on imminent foreclosures.
MAUDE: Well, you don't have to thank me. I knew that you'd just about die with embarrassment. I just dropped by to make final arrangements. I can't leave without ensuring my interests are looked after by someone I can trust.
EZRA: Oh, no. Never! I will never work for you.
MAUDE: Well, fine, if that's your attitude. I'll find another bartender.
EZRA: Bartender? Then who's the manager? [Camera goes ot Inez holding keys.]
MAUDE: I came, I saw, I conquered.
EZRA: Wait! Just tell me one thing. Why? I mean, why here? Why me?
MAUDE: Somebody's got to keep you sharp, son. We're business people. And we're the best at what we do. Don't ever forget that.
EZRA: Yes, indeed. An amazing woman.
From The Trial:
EZRA: Oh, Mother. Are you familiar with a gentleman by the name of... Preston Wingo?
MAUDE: I know a fat little weasel called Preston Wingo. What about him?
EZRA: Well, uh, this Wingo has slandered you. Mary just received a telegraph claiming that you absconded with a pair of diamond cufflinks. He's demanding you be jailed until he arrives.
MAUDE: Jailed! I'm no thief.
EZRA: Yeah, ha ha! Yes, of course not, but unfortunately, the burden of proof is on you. Now, I would suggest that Mary search your bag just so you might acquit yourself of these... ridiculous charges.
MARY: Sorry, Maude.
MAUDE: This is so tiresome! My own son!
MARY: Looks like Mr. Wingo was wrong.
EZRA: That satchel has a false lid. Go on. Look.
[Mary finds diamond cufflinks]
MAUDE: Somebody put those there. I am innocent!
EZRA: Well, I am afraid we are left no choice. JD, will you assist me in escorting Mrs. Standish to the jail?
JD: Ezra, she's your mother.
[At the jail]
EZRA: Now, you'll have to forgive the appearance, but the maid quit.
MAUDE: How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.
EZRA: I'm cruel only that I may be kind, mother. After all, you should know better than to steal. You know, perhaps some time... spent behind bars will be... instructional.
MAUDE: Preston Wingo put those cufflinks in my bag. He's blackmailing me.
EZRA: Now, why on Earth would he want to do that?
MAUDE: That's none of your business.
BUCK: Come on. Judge wants us to ride.
EZRA: Well...sleep tight. Don't let the, uh... ah, you know the rest.
EZRA: Aw, hell...
Where do you think you're going?
MAUDE: You think for a moment I was gonna marry that dreadful man, did you?
EZRA: You signed a contract.
MAUDE: Yes. And he dropped the charges. I'm free as a bird.
EZRA: What am I supposed to do?
MAUDE: What you've always done, sweet boy. Just what your mother tells you. Here. [Handing him a letter] I was gonna mail it. Hyah! Giddy up.
PRESTON WINGO: Well?
EZRA: I have a message for you from the bride. It seems to be a poem. "With apologies to Robert Herrick. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-flying. And this same flower that smiles today will never have to set eyes on you again, you bloated wood tick. P.S. Thank you for the lovely carriage."
PRESTON WINGO: What a woman. [Ezra's body language says he agrees]
JOSIAH & EZRA (Not a "son" in sight.)
From the Pilot
NATHAN: Why'd you change your mind?
NATHAN: What crows?
JOSIAH: A sign.
NATHAN: What does that mean?
JOSIAH: Probably mine.
EZRA: Well, well, a sense of humor. I look forward to many lively conversations.
Josiah: "I'm an expert at prayers for the dying."
Ezra: " Oh, I like this guy. Lord help me, I like him. I'm in this for the laughs, if nothing else." (pilot)
EZRA: Why'd you sign on, Josiah? What is it you expect to gain?
JOSIAH: I saw the birds of darkness in a dream.
When I woke up, a crow was sitting on my windowsill
staring at me like the devil himself.
EZRA: Why come here?
JOSIAH: If death's coming, I'd just as soon meet it head on.
EZRA: And get your reward in the hereafter?
JOSIAH: No. No, I was, uh... I was a priest once, but, uh... had a little trouble turning the other cheek.
EZRA: I did a turn preaching the word myself.
JOSIAH: Is that right?
EZRA: The best swindle I ever knew. Just stand up there under that tent terrify the congregation with a vision of hellfire and pass the collection plate.
EZRA: Did fine, too until I attempted to save the soul of the mayor's daughter.
JOSIAH: Yup. Saving souls has its hazards.
EZRA: Hark. You're always so willing to dispense advice to others in need. See, it's just that, um, all my life I've always gotten that... look, you know, that tilt of the head, that - that question in the eye - can I trust him? You know, I always hoped that my friends knew me better.
JOSIAH: Let the wicked forsake his ways, and the unrighteous man his thoughts. You think you know what kind of man you are?
EZRA: I know I've earned some measure of respect, of trust.
JOSIAH: You blame your friends? Blame yourself! Look inside your own heart, Ezra. Face your own demons.
EZRA: Now, you hold on just one minute, Josiah.
JOSIAH: I am the serpent, Ezra. And this is the apple. Take a bite.
EZRA: Will you wait -
EZRA & CHRIS
From One Day Out West:
EZRA: Mr. Larabee, might I assume you've come to take me with you?
CHRIS: Oh, I couldn't do that.
EZRA: May I ask why?
CHRIS: You broke the law. You've been a bad boy.
EZRA: I know where Lucas went.
CHRIS: You do?
EZRA: Yes, sir.
CHRIS: So do we.
EZRA: Well, great, but he likes me. I can get us in. You try walking in there you'll just get yourself shot.
CHRIS: You ran out on me once before. You wouldn't be thinking about doing that again, would you?
EZRA: I swear upon the grave of my sainted mother.
JD: Now, you told me your mother was still alive.
EZRA: Figure of speech.
CHRIS: Figure you're dead if you're lying.
CHRIS: Where you headed?
EZRA: Thought we'd go after a murderer since no one else seems interested.
CHRIS: That's a load of bull.
BUCK: Look, Chris we don't think Vin is right for this particular job. It's not personal.
CHRIS: Well, it sounds personal to me, Buck.
EZRA: A casino in St. Louis, now, that's what I'd buy. But there's plenty in there for all of us. And you, for example, could buy yourself a sprawling ranch and some beautiful quarter horses.
CHRIS: That sounds real good. There's only one problem - it ain't ours.
EZRA: But custom dictates that if it goes unclaimed, it reverts back to the finders, namely us. We get paid a miserable $7.00 a week to get shot at, abused, and generally disrespected. Call it a bonus, if you like.
CHRIS: This money is going in the bank, Ezra. And be quiet about it. If this gets out, every yahoo west of the Missouri will be laying claim to it.
EZRA: Fear not. Sharing the wealth would not be my first instinct.
HEIDEGGER: $10,000 with no one to claim it. Now, that suits you gunslingers just fine, I'm sure.
CHRIS: Are you suggesting what I think you are? Weasel.
EZRA: Well, so much for our little secret. You do realize, Chris, that even if all 7 of us worked the rest of our lives, we'll never make this much money. And yet, there it is, right in our laps.
CHRIS: Ezra, I don't want to have to shoot you.
EZRA: Fine. But then who gets the 10,000?
BANK MANAGER: I won't have this in my bank. It is too risky. It's your problem now.
EZRA: I'll just see to that then. Large amounts of money don't unnerve me in the least.
CHRIS: It'll be safer over at the church.
EZRA: I know I've appeared a tad mercenary, but I'm quite capable of seeing to its safekeeping. Mr. Larabee, am I to assume that you have doubts as to my honesty?
CHRIS: Josiah can look after it.
[After Ezra shot protecting Mary]
MARY: You saved my life.
EZRA: I did? I did.
CHRIS: You done good, Ezra.
NATHAN: He'd be dead if it weren't for this. [Pulls money out of Ezra's jacket]
EZRA: Mr. Larabee, in the future, I believe it would be best just not to burden me with other people's money.
[Chris sees Ezra with sling on deck of clinic]
CHRIS: How you feeling, Ezra?
EZRA: Well, I'll be shufflin' one-handed for a while, but otherwise, I'm right as rain.
CHRIS: All right.
EZRA: Oh, uh, by the way...What are we planning to do with that money?
EZRA & VIN:
From The Collector:
VIN: Man never drowned himself in his own sweat, Ezra.
EZRA: A gentleman does not debase himself by engaging in menial labor.
VIN: Ma'am, how much you owe?
NETTIE: A few pennies over $300. I never even seen that kind of money. What am I going to do?
EZRA: Something wrong?
VIN: Miss Nettie you probably don't know this, but Ezra here is a gambler.
NETTIE: He sure ain't a ranch hand.
EZRA: Thank you.
VIN: He's saving his winnings to buy a saloon.
EZRA: What are you attempting to suggest, Mr. Tanner?
VIN: You got more than $300 tucked right there in that fancy boot.
EZRA: Which you think I'm going to donate to this wizened crone? No offense, ma'am. You taken leave of your senses?
VIN: Give her the $300.
NETTIE: I ain't taking charity.
VIN: It won't be charity, ma'am. Give her the money, Ezra.
EZRA: When the sanctified dead rise from their graves to receive judgment, I'll start doling out cash.
VIN: I'll pay you back in an hour.
EZRA: Really? I'll tell you what-- I'll lend it to you... at ten percent interest if you pay me back within the hour. After that... 20% per day. Deal?
VIN: Just get it out of your boot and give it to her.
EZRA: With pleasure.
NETTIE: My stars and garters. Look at all that money.
VIN: There you go, Ma'am.
NETTIE: I appreciate it. Thank you.
EZRA: Oh, no, don't thank me. Thank, uh, Robin hood over there.
EZRA: Well... it seems you've misplaced the rest of your party. What happened to Mr. Mosely and his posse? You go around them?
VIN: It was that or throw Chanu to the wolves.
EZRA: An intriguing option.
EZRA: Some disturbing rumors are circulating regarding your relationship with the man in question.
VIN: I expected as much.
EZRA: 6 kings. Nobody's that damn proficient. I'd have seen him palm it. I know every trick in the book. Hell, I wrote the book.
VIN: Talking to yourself, Ezra?
EZRA: Ah, Mr. Tanner! A votre sante.
VIN: Got kind of a favor to ask of you.
VIN: Mary's puttin' some poetry in the paper and...
EZRA: That's nice.
VIN: I was wonderin' if... well, since you have such nice handwritin' and all, would you mind, once you sober up...
VIN: Writin' down my poem for me all nice and purty-like?
EZRA: Y-you wrote a poem?
EZRA: [laughs rather derisively]
VIN: I knew I was wastin' my time with you.
EZRA: No! No! Homer himself walks among us!
EZRA & BUCK
EZRA: Well, I personally don't see the need for this ruse. Chris puts a tad more trust in Vin's instincts than I do.
BUCK: I'll tell you the one thing we don't need... is this whole town getting all riled up 'cause Chanu is gone. It could get ugly. And I do hate ugly.
EZRA: Well, then... brace yourself, Buck, 'cause here comes ugly and we best shut him up before he gets out of hand.
EZRA & JD
From Inmate 78
JD: So the three-legged dog walks right into the saloon. He walks right up to the bartender... he says... "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." "My paw"... three-legged dog...
EZRA: You might want to work on your repertoire, son.
JD: What are you talking about?
Some Misc. Ezra Conversations:
From Working Girls:
EMILY: You want us to do what?
EZRA: To become mail-order brides.
( women laughing )
EZRA: Getting married is the only permanent solution to your predicament and I am just the man to arrange it for you.
WOMAN: Getting married's like what we been doing, only for no money.
EZRA: Ah, yes but not if you marry well and let me explain to you ladies exactly what I mean by "well." Only the most well-bred well-mannered and well-financed gentlemen need apply and for a small finder's fee I will personally screen all applicants. Ladies I am talking about placement in some of the finest homes in the territory.
EMILY: And what would men like that want with girls like us?
EZRA: What they don't know won't hurt them and if you'll consent to a little tutoring-- I call it "charm school"-- those gentlemen will be convinced that they are marrying the queen of England herself. (Working Girls)
From Inmate 78:
JD: Deputy's down at the saloon.
VIN: Well, let's go pay him a visit then.
EZRA: Y'all are worse than General Sherman on a Georgia plantation.
EZRA: If I may, allow me to interview the deputy.
BUCK: Why you?
EZRA: Don't take this the wrong way, but you gentlemen occasionally lack the essential skills of tact and diplomacy.
BUCK: What are you saying?
JOSIAH: I think he's saying we're rude.
EZRA: Rude? No. Rude would be a definite improvement. I'm saying you scare people. And perhaps terrorizing them won't buy you any answers this time.
VIN: What have you got in mind?
EZRA: I believe a little subtlety is in order.
EZRA: Mr. Steele my compatriots tell me that you're a servant of the muse-- a literary man?
STEELE: Why, yes. I write about this.
EZRA: High adventures in the untamed west.
STEELE: Precisely. My books sell very well.
EZRA: And the characters who people your books...if one were to, say, figure prominently in the narrative might there be some manner of monetary remuneration given to such a person?
STEELE: Perhaps. Uh... royalties and such.
EZRA: Royalties. Yes. You and I really must discuss the financial aspects of your business.
EZRA: Could be an interesting creative challenge for you, Mrs. Travis-- turning this situation into one of your pro-Indian editorials.
MARY: We don't know his story yet, Mr. Standish.
EZRA: Lovely young woman abducted from her home by a savage-- couldn't we hazard a guess?
From Sins of the Past:
EZRA: Take these you hear that, gentlemen? That is the sound of opportunity knocking. Don't be slow to answer the door.
JD: I still can't believe you did it, slapping all the money down on the saloon.
EZRA: Well, I've been living parsimoniously.
EZRA: I've been saving.
EZRA: Now that the down payment's been made, all that's needed are a few prudent investors to infuse a little working capital. Mr. Jackson?
NATHAN: Oh, I don't know, Ezra. I mean, what do you know about running a saloon?
EZRA: I spent my whole life in saloons. You may trust I have ample experience. What about you, Josiah?
JOSIAH: Money... is like manure. Not good except it be spread.
EZRA: May I take that as an affirmative?
EZRA: Gentlemen, gentlemen, envision the future. Glistening wood, sparkling mirrors, a new piano, lush, green-felt tables.
JD: That does sound good.
EZRA: And it proves you're a smart lad. You know the answer to the question.
JD: You bet. Yeah. What's the question?
EZRA: The question is, what does everyone in this town want to do? What does every visitor here want to do?
EZRA: They want to drink, my friends. They want to hear music and gamble, and where's the only place they can do that? I give you the Standish Tavern. I can hear the jingle of the cash box now. Come along, gentlemen. Let's inspect our private gold mine.
To Be Continued
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