Kendall led Ben back up the stairs they had descended earlier.  She went to the door he had knocked on previously, opened it quietly, stepped aside and watched as Ben walked quickly to his son.  Shutting the door behind her, she retreated to her own room and cried.

    Ben was anxious as they climbed the stairs to Joseph.  He had no idea how he would approach his son, given the devastating news he had received from the young saloon girl.  He could only think of seeing Joe and reassuring himself he had actually found his prodigal son.

    Once the door was open to the room where his son slept, he could not stop himself from rushing past the young woman.  Ben knelt down on the floor next to the bed where Joe lay in a medicated sleep.  For some reason, Ben felt hesitant to touch his son, as if it would make Joseph disappear again.  He looked at his son’s face.  Present in his boy’s face was the child he had seen delivered into the world.  Also present, was the foreshadowing of the man Joseph would become.  Ben began to weep for his son.

    So much passed through Ben’s mind as he cried.  He felt the hurt of the death of someone he loved, the agony of having a missing child, the relief of having found his boy, and the terrible fear of the unknown, yet to occur between himself and Joseph.  He cried out of the frustration of not knowing how to help his child who was in so much pain.  He felt himself emotionally brought to knees.

    Ben was terrified of his son’s appearance and what it meant regarding Joe’s mental stability.  He finally allowed himself to touch his youngest, and he reached out to his son’s hair.  He moved the hair out of Joe’s closed eyes, as he thought of the numerous, now seemingly petty arguments, he had undergone with Joe regarding haircuts.  Ben knew how to handle that kind of problem as a parent.  But what he faced now was so much greater, and the stakes the very highest: his son’s life.  How was he to know what was best?  How could he make decisions with such incredible consequences?  He prayed for wisdom as he prayed for his son.

    Ben ran his hand over Joe’s cheek feeling the light stubble of Joe needing a shave.  He recalled Joe so young, watching his father shave and asking when it would be his turn.  Ben thought,  “You’ve always been so quick to want to grow up, Joseph.  I wish I could keep you small.  It was so much less dangerous and painful for both of us.”

    Ben slowly began to cry himself out of tears, but remained knelt next to his son.  He needed to get Joe out of Sacramento, he knew that, and he felt it had to be quickly.  “Sacramento,”  he thought.  “What is it about this place that tries to destroy me?  First I lost my land here those many years ago, and now this place is trying to take my son.”  Ben knew the way he felt was not logical, but he could not help it.  He wanted to leave as soon as possible.

    As Ben thought of how he would get Joe out of town, there was a knock on the door.  Ben rose, walked to the door and answered it.  He saw standing before him a tall, gangly man.  “Yes?  Can I help you?”  Ben whispered, hoping not to wake Joe before he was ready to handle him.

    “Well, maybe.  My name is Shelby Butler, and I was wanting to talk to Joe one more time about the money he owed me.”  Shelby began his lie.

    Ben was confused about what this man was saying.  “Joe owed him money?”  Ben asked himself.  He looked behind him to check on his son and reassured himself Joe was still lost to sleep.  “Let’s step outside and talk, shall we?”  Ben said, and moved out to the hall, closing the door behind him.

    For some reason, Ben felt he needed to be between this man and his son.  He had no idea why, but it was a parental instinct, and he was not about to question it.  Ben positioned himself between the man and Joe’s door, determined to make sure the man could not get in.  “Now, what is this about some money my son owes you?”  Ben questioned.

    “Your son?  Joe there’s your son?” Shelby asked, attempting to appear innocent to Ben.  “Oh, well, uh, I don’t think I should be tellin’ Joe’s business.  He probably really wouldn’t want you to know.”

    Ben felt baited.  “What is it you need to speak with him about?  I’m here to take my son home, so I will be tying up any of his business.  If he owes you money, then I shall see that you are paid.  Now what is this about?”

    “Well, Mr. uh… I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your name.”  Shelby probed.  He was wanting to confirm that this man was THE Ben Cartwright he had found information on.  He had discovered that Ben Cartwright was worth quite a lot more money than the thousand dollars he had negotiated out of Kenny.

    “It’s Cartwright.  Ben Cartwright.”

    Shelby hid the smile he felt at the news of the man’s identity.  He had struck the mother-lode.  “Well, Mr. Cartwright, your son owes me quite a bit of money, as well as possibly facing some charges for cheating at cards.  I don’t know a whole lot about it but, the sheriff may have some guys claimin’ your son has set up quite the con game around here.  I hate to be tellin’ you all this, but you asked.”

    Ben recalled watching the card game of the night before.  “So, I did see it right.”  He thought to himself.  “There’s no way Little Joe would be involved in something like that… But, then again, there’s no way I would have believed my son would be involved with the drinking… and even less with morphine.  Do I really know my son?  Can I trust the boy I knew at home to be the one that’s here?”  Ben felt confusion overtake him as he struggled to decide which image of his son to accept.  Or was there another image somewhere in between?

    “How much money?”  Ben finally asked.

    “Five thousand dollars.”  Shelby said, without blinking.

    “Five thousand dollars?”  Ben tried not to let his shock show on his face.  “And these debts, all from gambling?”

    “’Fraid so.  The games here tend to be pretty high stakes, and he drinks quite a bit you know, and well I’ve seen him, uh, you know take a lot of that…”

    Ben interrupted the man.  He did not want to hear this man discuss his son or what his son had or had not done.  Ben had a very bad feeling regarding Shelby Butler.  “Yes, well, that is an enormous amount of money for gambling, and my son has never done something like this before.”  Ben went on to think to himself, “There’s so much Little Joe’d never done before he lost Rebecca.”

    “I feel bad for you Mister, having a son that’s well, you know, a bad seed, and I can understand your concern regarding the amount of money he has squandered.  Maybe we should just let the sheriff handle all of this.  The kid really deserves to learn a lesson.  But I also know those guys who know what Joe did in the card games like him and all and, maybe they could be dissuaded from talking ‘cause they’re leery of the sheriff.  I guess though, he should really have to own up to what he’s done.”

    Ben was beginning to suspect that Shelby was trying to blackmail him. There was innuendo in Shelby’s voice, but the man had not come out and openly said that the men who were willing to bear witness against his son could be bought.  It was not hard to see where Shelby was going with the conversation.  “And if you get the money my son owes you?”

    “Well, I’m a very influential man in this city, and I’m sure I can see to it that these men develop a bad case of memory loss.”  Shelby at last had spoken his demands and was very pleased with himself that he had laid his cards on the table.  He had known enough about Ben Cartwright to know the man had been searching for his son and was willing to pay a price for his son’s return.  Shelby saw the reward money as negotiable and decided that Ben had devalued his son’s worth.  “A thousand dollars was nothing to this man.  Now, five thousand seemed much more fitting,”  Shelby thought.  Shelby was banking on Ben’s willingness to do what was needed to get his kid back.

    Ben stared at the man feeling a rage come over him he had seldom experienced.  This man had placed a price on Joseph’s head and had threatened his child.  There was very little that could drive Ben Cartwright into a white rage, but threatening one of his boys would send him there instantly.  “This man is filth.”  Ben thought to himself as he struggled to contain himself.

    Ben had a decision to make, and he knew he did not have long to make it.  It was only a matter of time before Joseph woke, and he would need to have all of his attention on his child.  But it was obvious to Ben that this man was wanting to extort money from him using his love for his son as the sword over his head.  He was unhappy with what he was about to do, but he also knew once he had Joseph back to the Ponderosa, and, he prayed, back in his right mind, then Ben Cartwright would deal with Shelby Butler in a most fitting and just manner.  He vowed this man would pay.  “I’ll give you your five thousand, Mr. Butler, but you will do two things to get it.  You’ll write me a ‘paid in full’ receipt for my son… uh, my son’s debts, and you’ll have the men who’re accusing my son to write affidavits proclaiming my son’s innocence.  You give me what I want, and you’ll have your money."

    “However, Mr. Butler, I give you this solemn warning.  You threaten Joseph or in any way harm my son, or if I find out you had anything to do with my son’s current state, there is no place you can hide.  I’ll find you, and I’ll see to it that you’re punished, and believe me, you will pay.  I promise you.  I’m a man of my word, and there’ll be NO PLACE I can’t find you.”

    Shelby was taken aback by the intensity of Ben Cartwright’s threat, but his greed drove him to discount it.  He loathed the kid and had really wanted him to see the inside of a prison, or even better be shot down, but the kid’s father had money, and that was Shelby’s primary passion.  He would stifle his desires for the kid’s demise if the dollar amount was right.  It appeared the father of the kid was willing to pay, so Shelby relaxed and became anxious for payment.

    “Mr. Butler, I’ll have your money as soon as possible, and you’ll receive it when I have the documentation I requested.  I’ll go to the bank and arrange for a wire to be placed into your account, AFTER I have what I asked for.”

    “Very well.  Mr. Cartwright, I’m glad to see you’re a reasonable man.  After all, we must all make a living, and your son has really taken advantage of both me and you.  I’m sure you will handle him appropriately, and the law really doesn’t need to be involved.  I’ll have your requested documents shortly.  And, if you were to have the wire for the money sent as soon as possible, our dealings will end shortly.”  Shelby tipped his hat at Ben and walked away.

    Ben felt a cold shiver as though he just made a deal with the devil himself.  This man had in essence made him buy his son back.  There was no price too great that Ben would not pay for one of his boys.  He would hand over the deed to the Ponderosa, if it meant the life of Adam, Hoss, or Joe.  This man had put a price on one of Ben’s children.  He cursed Shelby and vowed he would get even.  No one threatened Ben Cartwright’s child and got away with it.

Ben knew there were several details he had to tie up before he approached Joseph, and they both left Sacramento.  He did not want Joe alone while he went about his tasks.  He knew Joe did not know he was in town, or his son would have never stayed there to be found.  Ben also knew Joseph would be gone again if he caught wind that his father was there  It was painful to accept, but Ben knew Joe was running from everyone, including his father.

    Ben looked to the door next to his son’s room and decided to risk asking for more assistance.  He knocked and was immediately greeted by Kenny.  Ben looked her in the eye and saw her eyes were swollen and red as if she had been crying.  “Excuse me Miss Mac Masters, but I was wondering if I could impose just one more time and ask if you could stay with Joseph while I take care of a few things.  I don’t want him alone, and he mustn’t know I’m here.  He’ll run again, and I can’t let that happen.”
    Kenny was glad Mr. Cartwright had asked her to sit with Joe.  She was wanting a few more minutes with him to try and say good bye.  “Certainly, it’s no imposition.”

    Kenny immediately moved out of her room to the hall.  Ben felt he needed to give her instructions to ease his own mind.  He was very hesitant to leave the saloon, but he had to prepare the wire for Shelby’s money, and wire Adam and Hoss to tell them he had found Joseph.  “Kendall, please come get me immediately if you’ve ANY problems keeping Joseph here.  If he wakes, please do not tell him I’m here.  I will handle him when I return…  Oh, uh, I just remembered.  I saw Joe limping badly last night.  Do you know if he can sit a horse?”

    Kendall had noted the anxiety in Joe’s father, and she wanted to help put his mind at ease.  “Mr. Cartwright, Joe rarely wakes before about five or so.  He’ll be asleep for a long while yet.  If he does wake, I’ll stall him, I promise.  He can’t go very far believe me.  And I’ve serious doubts that he could sit a horse comfortably.  I know he rode all the way here from Nevada, but I think it made his leg a lot worse, and then the attack really hurt him, so I doubt it.  I can see that he’d probably try anyway, but I just don’t think he’d make it very far.  His horse is in the livery just down the street if you’d like to get it as well.”

    “He’s always been a very determined young man, and I know he’ll insist on riding a horse, but I will see to it that he rides in a wagon.”  Ben was stalling, not wanting to leave Joe for a moment.

    “Mr. Cartwright, the sooner you leave, the sooner you’ll be back.”  Kenny said, giving a verbal nudge.

    “Yes, you’re right I guess.  Well, I’ll be back shortly.”  With that Ben reluctantly left his youngest in the care of Kenny.

    Kenny entered Joe’s room and walked over to the bed.  She looked down at Joe as he slept.  She was struck by how handsome he was as he lay there.  He was entangled in the sheets which rested around his waist.  She remembered the previous night and smiled.  He had shown her a world she knew she could not live without ever again.  She had found what it felt like when there was love in the sex, and she now wanted nothing less.  She knew he did not love her, but he was loving someone, and she could feel the difference.  She knew she loved him, and making love with him had made her complete the previous night.  As she looked at him, she thought to herself,  “You look like a Greek god from the drawings in books I’ve seen.  Huh,… my sleeping Adonis.”

    Kenny smiled broadly.  She was so grateful he had come to Sacramento.  It was going to hurt badly when he left, but she had found answers to the journey she had undertaken when she had left her parent’s farm in Ohio.  She had wanted to find herself and she finally had.  It amazed her that it took a kid really, no more than seventeen years old, to teach her what was important.  She knew what she wanted now and would no longer settle for being used by men or for allowing money to be the most important thing to her.

    As Kenny realized she had to tell Joe and his father what she had done, her mood changed.  She knew she could not go on to the new life she wanted without confessing and accepting whatever Joe wanted done with her.  She had to have a clean start.  She began to formulate what she would say to them.  How could she tell this innocent that she had set him up?  How could she tell him, after all he had suffered, that she had played upon that and turned him over to Shelby?  Kenny felt ashamed of herself.  She eventually took a seat in the chair across the room and waited for Joe’s father to return and for Joe to wake.

    Adam and Hoss had been restless as they waited at the Ponderosa.  Neither had wanted to talk about their fears regarding their little brother.  Each had their own nightmare they saw when they thought of how Joe had been the last day either had seen him, but each kept it to himself.

    Adam’s nightmare consisted of Joe having gotten in trouble and sitting in a jail cell.  Hoss’s consisted of Joe laying in a ditch somewhere having been attacked by people who wanted to hurt him, crying and unable to help himself.  Little did the two know that their brother’s situation was somewhere in between.  Part Adam’s nightmare, part Hoss’s.

    Both kept to the running of the ranch and seemed to others to be slightly distracted.  Adam had ridden to the north timber stand, not once, not twice, but three times with the same message.  The hands, aware of the problems currently facing the Cartwright family, given the very healthy rumor mill on the Ponderosa, accepted the message each time as if it was the first they had heard of it.  Hoss had found himself short with the hands, something they had never experienced with the most easy-going of the Cartwrights.  Hoss had barked orders, and the hands forgave him.  It was as if the whole Ponderosa knew things were very wrong, because there were Cartwrights missing and Cartwrights hurting.
 
 

    As Ben went about making arrangements to leave with his son, Joe began to stir.  Kenny was feeling anxious and thought to herself,  “Oh no.  Don’t wake up yet, Joe.  Just go back to sleep.”

    Joe felt sluggish as he stretched in bed.  He had a bad headache and felt as if he had not slept at all.  He dreaded opening his eyes because he knew the day was going to be like every other one to him: meaningless.  He believed he had dreamed of being with Rebecca and longed to go back to sleep; back to her.  He knew though, he would not be able to return to her so easily, so he reluctantly opened his eyes.  He lay there staring at the ceiling unaware that Kendall was in the room.  She did nothing to alert him to her presence as she sat and watched him wake.

    “Geez, my head!”  he said aloud as he immediately reached for the bottle of morphine on the night stand and took a long draw.  He paused a minute, and then took a second long drink, but ran short of what he really needed from the bottle.

    Kenny watched him and shook her head.  Joe definitely had a very serious problem.  She finally spoke,  “You know you CAN start your day without that stuff.”

    Joe jumped when he heard her voice.  “What the hell are you doin’ here?”

    Kenny knew she had to think fast.  “Oh, uh Shelby is on the rampage lookin’ all over for me, so I guess I’m hidin’ out.  Makes two of us now, huh?”  Kenny could not resist adding the sarcasm.

    “Ha ha.  Very funny.  What’s he mad about?”  Joe asked, sitting up and looking at Kenny.  Without thought, he ran his fingers through his hair.

    “Oh, who knows.  Mind if I stay here a while?  If he catches up to me right now there is no tellin’ what he’d do.”

    “I don’t care.  Fine with me, but I gotta get dressed.”

    “So go ahead and get dressed.”  Kenny flirted not taking her eyes off of him.

    “That means you gotta leave for a minute.”

    “But Shelby’s looking for me.  Here, I’ll turn around.”  Kenny said as she stood and turned her back.

    Joe got out of bed, pulled on his pants and was reaching for his shirt when the door opened.  He looked up expecting to see Shelby, but instead he saw his father standing in the doorway.  At first he thought maybe he was dreaming, and he would wake up, but his father ran to him, and embraced him.  He knew then, it was not a dream.

    Ben was shocked to see Joe standing in the room when he opened the door.  He could not contain his joy at seeing Joe awake and standing before him.  He grabbed his son and hugged him tightly as his eyes welled with tears.  Ben felt Joe’s body become stiff in his arms, and his child did not return the hug.

    “Oh, Joseph!  I’ve been so worried.  I can’t believe I found you.  I love you so much, son.”

    Joe pulled away from his father and started backing away from him.  He began shaking his head slowly and eventually said,  “No, Pa.  No, I don’t want you here.”

    Joe had an overwhelming desire to run, but his father was between him and the door.  His heart was beating fast and he felt trapped.  He began to try to formulate some way to get away from his father.  Kenny watched the exchange between father and son.  She saw a father so relieved and thrilled to see his son, and a son so terrified and about to panic.

    “Joe, son, you need to come home.  I’ve come here to bring you home.”

    “Home?”  Joe thought and the panic increased.  “Home?  I can’t go back there.  I won’t go back there.”  He said out loud.  “You’ve wasted your time.  I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

    “Son, let's sit down and talk about it.  I know you don’t want to go home, but you have to.  You’re destroying yourself here Joseph.”

    Joe felt the panic overtake him and he yelled,  “I’m not gonna go anywhere, Pa!  I’m stayin’ right here, and if I want to destroy myself, it’s my business!  I’ll die before I go back there!”

    Ben’s heart skipped as he heard what Joe had said.  “How close you have come to making that threat a reality.”  Ben thought.  He said,  “Son, please let’s talk about this calmly.”

    “There’s nothin’ to discuss!  Get out of here and leave me alone!”  Joe said, knowing full well his father would not leave him.

    “Joseph, please?”  Ben began to beg.

    “No, Pa!  No!  I can’t!  I won’t!  You saw what happened to me!  You saw it!  I can’t keep it all away!  I can’t stop it, and it’ll eventually just take me, and I won’t be able to stop it!  Don’t you get it, Pa?!”

    “I can help you.  You and I can do it together.  I’m not leaving, and I will not give up on you.  Joe, whatever it is, I will fight for you, and I’ll help you fight it.”

    “You’ll help me fight it Pa?!  How?!”  Joe was furious and screamed at his father.  “JUST HOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME?!  You gonna bring her back, Pa?!  You gonna make it so it didn’t happen?!  You gonna give me what I want?!  You can’t!  You couldn’t help with Mama, and you can’t help now!”

    Ben was taken aback with Joe’s last statement. What did Marie have to do with all of this?  “Son, please calm down.  We can talk this out.  What is it about your mother?”

    Joe had no idea why he had said what he had about his mother.  He was very confused, and it seemed hard to think.  He felt enraged at his father’s appearance.  “Didn’t you hear me?!  I said I don’t want your help!  I don’t want you to talk to me!  I want you to leave me alone!  You can’t help me!  No one can!  I am just fine here, and you can get outta here and leave me alone!”

    “You are not just fine Joseph.  Look at you.  You don’t even look like yourself.”

    “Pa, I don’t want to look like me anymore! I don’t want to be me! I want to be left the hell alone and for you to go away!”  Joe was reaching a point where he knew he had to act rather than talk.

    Joe bolted forward and attempted to make his way through the space between his father and the door.  Ben blocked his way.  Joe tried to change course but his father grabbed him, putting his arms around him.  Ben Cartwright was much bigger than his son and could easily restrain him.  This sent Joe into a fury.

    “Let me go!  Let me go!”  Joe was actively fighting against his father, and Ben was having difficulty holding him because of Joe’s wild movements.

    “Stop it Joseph!”  Ben said, his voice level reaching that of his sons.

    “No!  You let me go, NOW!”

    Father and son were locked in a struggle each was determined to win.  It was obvious that Joe was becoming more and more irate as he fought with his father.  Kenny decided she would step in to help.  She went to grab Joe’s arm, and without thinking to realize it was Kenny, Joe shoved her away.  Kenny fell backwards over the chair.  The noise of Kenny crying out as she fell, broke the focus between Joe and his father.  Joe stopped struggling with his father and turned and saw Kenny on the floor.  Joe could not believe he had shoved her.  “Kenny!  Oh geez, I’m sorry!  I didn’t mean it!”

    Ben had released Joe when he had stopped struggling, but remained firmly planted in the doorway.  Joe moved quickly over to Kenny and knelt beside her.  She was stunned, but awake.  “Are you okay?  I’m so sorry!”

    “I’m okay, scared me more than anything.  Here help me up.”

    Joe helped Kenny to her feet, and she straightened herself as she stood.  She then started to rub the back of her head.  Joe kept looking at her feeling terrible for what he had done.  “Kenny, I feel awful about what I did.  Here let me look at your head.”

    “No Joe, I’m fine really, but please sit down.  I need to talk to you.  You too Mr. Cartwright.  There is something I need to say to both of you.”

    Joe’s rage had passed due to his concern for Kenny’s welfare, and he was willing to sit.  Ben shut the door and sat next to his son.  However, he remained watchful of his son, knowing Joe could try to leave again.

    “Joe, I have something to tell you, and I know you’ve every right to be angry with me.  This is really hard for me to tell you, ‘cause I feel so ashamed of what I’ve done.”

    Joe was confused.  He had no idea what Kenny was talking about.  He could see she was upset.  “What is it Kendall?  I’m not angry with you.  I’m the one that shoved ya, so you should be angry with me.”

    “No, Joe.  You don’t understand.  Oh…how do I say this?  Joe, you remember the first day you came into the saloon?”

    “Yeah?”  he said, and thought, “vaguely.”

    “Well… um, Shelby and me, we’ve been kinda in business together.  See, you know I told you I’ve been here a couple of years, and Shelby sorta took me in.  Well, I’ve been helping Shelby run a…um… a sorta con game with strangers who come into town.”

    Joe was surprised at what Kenny was saying.  “What sorta con game?”

    “Well we, um, really Shelby, picks out people who he can lure into working for him.  Sometimes without them even knowing it.  Joe, he’s done that to you.”

    “What?  Kenny I don’t understand what you’re saying.  What do you mean?  How?”  Joe showed no emotion in his voice as he asked the questions.

    “Joe… oh, Joe, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I helped him, and I let him hurt you.  I know you didn’t deserve anything he did to you, and I’m gonna make sure he pays.”

    “What exactly did he do to me?”  Joe was trying to think over the past weeks.  Much of it was a fog to him, and he was not sure he could remember.

    “I was told by Shelby to approach you that day in the saloon.  You remember?”

    “Yeah, when you were asking all those questions about me.”

    “That’s right.  Well, my job was to find out about you and to tell Shelby what I knew.  You weren’t talking, so I got you involved in the card game.  Shelby had two guys who worked for him in that game, and they made sure you won money.”

    “The game was dirty?”     “Yeah Joe, the dirtiest.  And, uh… Joe, when you went out that night to leave, it was Shelby’s men who beat you.  He told me he was only going to have you robbed, but I figured out later he had you beaten as well.  You were supposed to be robbed so he would leave you with no money, and you’d be willin’ to work for him.”

    Ben was finding it very difficult to remain silent.  He was becoming furious as he heard what had happened to Joe.  “Are you telling us young lady that you helped this… this monster hurt my son?”

    “Yes, Mr. Cartwright that’s what I’m saying, and I have no excuse.”

    Joe sat looking Kenny unsure what to think or feel.  He wanted a drink.  “Why me, Kenny?”

    “Because you look so innocent, and… uh, to be honest, because you’re so out of it most of the time.  Joe, I’m sorry.  I tried to make sure that Shelby didn’t hurt you more.  It was like you were so willing to just drink and…”  Kenny stopped talking and looked at Ben and back at Joe.  “…the morphine keeps you so unaware of everything.”

    Joe was immediately very uncomfortable.  He knew his father was sitting next to him hearing what Kendall was saying.

    “Who gave Joseph the morphine?”  Ben asked, feeling as if he wanted to strangle this woman and Shelby Butler.

    “Well, um, the night Joe was hurt, Shelby told me to go get one of his employees, a Mr. Li, who had the morphine, and Joe started it then.  Shelby’s been givin’ it to him since then, huh, Joe?”

    Joe certainly did not want to talk about his use of morphine with his father.  He felt the need to run again.  He did not answer Kenny, and he turned his head way from her to look at the wall.

    “I feel really bad about all this Joe, and whatever you think should happen I’ll accept.  You need to know Shelby’s had you playin’ in dirty games since the beginning.  You just didn’t know it.  He’s done it a lot of times, and I admit I let him do it.  I’ve helped him.”

    “So Miss Mac Masters, how much of the five thousand Shelby has charged me to get my son back do you get?”  Ben asked.

    Neither Joe nor Kenny knew of Ben’s revelation.  Joe stood and walked over to the window and started looking out.  He knew he should be angry or hurt or at least feel something, but it was so hard for him to feel anything except the claustrophobia.  He watched the traffic on the street below and longed to be down there.  He saw his father’s horse tied to a wagon and the horse he had ridden into Sacramento stood beside the large buckskin.  He knew what that meant, and he also knew he was not going to allow his father to take him back to the ranch.

    “Mr. Cartwright, I have no idea what you are talking about.  I told Shelby I was going to give him a thousand dollars myself if he would stay away from Joe and let you take him away.”  Kenny explained.

    Ben looked at the woman before him and tried to decide if he believed her or not.  The whole situation was very difficult to understand or accept as real.  Ben then looked over to Joe and saw him staring at the street below.  “Joe, do you know anything about any of this?”

    Joe did not remove his eyes from the street as he spoke.  “No, I don’t, but Kenny’s been real good to me, so I’d believe her.”  Joe answered his father, but then had a question of his own.  “Pa, how’d you find me?”

    Kenny spoke up,  “I told him you were here.  There were some hands down in the saloon who recognized you, and I wrote your father.  For that I won’t apologize.  You need him to help you.  Shelby was going to have you arrested, and you’d go to prison.  I couldn’t let that happen.  You’re a mess Joe, and you’ve got family who love you and can help.”

    “Prison.”  he thought  “Go to prison?  I’m in prison already, so what does it matter?”  He said,  “Kenny, I’ve told you over and over; I didn’t want help;  I didn’t need help, and I wanted to be left alone.”

    “Joe, you’re headed down a very dangerous road with the way you are acting.  You have NO idea what you have gotten yourself tangled up in.  Shelby is rotten to the core and willing to do ANYTHING to get money.  He takes special delight in stripping a person of all they have and then crushing them.  And you have created a huge problem for yourself with the morphine.  Did you know that you can’t just stop that stuff?”

    “Again with the morphine!”  Joe thought, and asked himself,  “Wonder what Pa knows?”  He said to her, “Kenny I don’t have a problem with morphine, and I can quit anytime.  I just don’t happen to want to.”

    Ben was intently watching the exchange between Joe and Kenny.  He had so many fears regarding Joe’s well being.  “Kenny, what do you mean Joe can’t just stop?”

    “I had a talk with Mr. Li about this the other day after I knew you were coming Mr. Cartwright.  He told me that something happens to people who stop taking the stuff.  They get very, very sick.  They go though all kinds of horrid stuff from the sounds of it.”

    Ben was now beyond fear.  What was going to happen to Joseph?  “Did he tell you specifics?”

    “Will you two just quit talkin’ about this!”  Joe jumped in, his irritation obvious.  It’s no one’s business but mine, and I’ll be just fine.”  Joe was not sure he really believed what Kenny was saying, and if she was right, he wanted to hear it even less.

    “No Joseph, we are going to talk about this.  What will happen to him, Kenny?”  Ben asked while looking at his son.

    “Well, he said that after someone has taken that stuff for a while, it’s like they have to have more and more of it.  They take it and take it, and then when they stop, they get really sick, like they have the fever or something.  He said it lasts for days and the person is out of their head for a while.  He said that Joe here is going to have a real bad time when he stops.”

    Joe turned from the window and looked at his father.  He could see the concern on his father’s face and felt a pang of guilt.  He was conflicted between what he wanted to do to himself and what he wanted for his family.  It was all so mixed up in his head, and he struggled to make sense of it.  He was afraid of his head and what happened to him if he did not have the medicine.  He knew his father was going to take it away from him, and he did not know if he would survive his own thoughts.

    Ben knew he was headed for an incredibly difficult ordeal with Joe and that Joe was going to fight him every step of the way.  “Son, I want you  to come with me to the doctor here in town and let him get a look at you.”

    Joe looked at his father wondering how he was going to get away.  He knew he could not outrun his father for any distance.  He would have to wait for an opportunity.  He also knew he did not want to see a doctor and felt the doctor would probably only make the situation worse for him.  “All I need is some doctor telling Pa more stuff like Kenny already is, and he’ll never let his guard down enough for me to get away.”  He said to his father,  “Pa, I don’t need a doctor.  I’m fine.”

    “No you will do as I say.  You need to have your leg looked at and I want to talk to the doctor about the best way to help you.”

    “I said I don’t need a doctor.  My leg is fine.  I can take care of myself.”

    With that phrase Ben lost his temper,  “You can take care of yourself?  You can?  Oh yes Joseph, you have done such a fine job taking care of yourself so far.  Look at you.  Would you just look at you!  You have managed to create an enormous problem and it did not have to be this way.  You ran off and left your home for this?!  You really want this?!  You can’t be telling me that!”

    Joe did not want the life he had at home and he did not want the life he was currently living.  He wanted to be living the life he had before it all went so bad for him.  He wanted to turn back time.  “Pa, if I’ve made a mess of my life, it’s my life!  I left home because I couldn’t stay there, and if I can’t stay here then I’ll leave here as well, but I will not go back!”

    Again father and son were escalating in their intensity.  Joe defiantly looked at his father, and his father held firm to the look he held on Joe.  “Son, you’ll do as I say, and I say you’ll see the doctor.”

    “And if I refuse?”

    “If you refuse I will have Kenny go and bring the doctor here.  Either way son.  The choice is yours.”

    Joe stood thinking.  He had to decide the best way to handle his father, so he could eventually break free of him.  Joe glanced at the window and formed his plan.  “I’ll go with you, but Pa I want you to know something.  There is nothing you can say or do that will change my mind about goin’ back there.”

    Ben felt he would cross that bridge just as soon as he had some guidance from the doctor.  “Well, Miss Mac Master’s can you show us where the doctor is in this city?”

    “Certainly.”  Kenny agreed.

    Joe finished getting dressed, and then Kenny led the way out of the room.  Ben kept firm hold on Joe’s shoulder as father and son descended the stairs.  As the three were walking out of the saloon, Joe saw his opportunity.  Ben was to Joe’s left and behind him.  Kenny was in front of him.  He saw there was a man standing off to his left, and the man appeared quite drunk.  As the three exited the doorway of the saloon, Joe spotted his horse and eyed the distance he would have to make to get to the animal.  He felt he could do it.  He knew he had to try.  It was not an effort of rational thought, but of desperation.

    Joe stopped walking suddenly, and his father bumped into him, throwing Ben slightly off balance.  Joe then gave a hard shove to his father, throwing Ben into the drunken man.  Both Ben and the man tumbled to the ground, and Joe quickly dropped the crutches and made himself run to the horse.  He was relieved to see the reins were tied so all he needed to do was give a quick pull and the horse was free.  He threw the reins over the horse’s head and mounted the animal in one swift motion.  He jerked the horse’s head away from the wagon and kicked the animal as hard as he could.  The horse almost reared as it bolted, and Joe was away.

    Ben was intent on keeping hold of Joe, but had loosened his grip after Joe had so suddenly stopped.  Joe’s shove had thrown him off balance, and he watched his son run away as he fell into the drunk man.  There was a momentary wrestling match between Ben and the man, with Ben trying desperately to get the man to let him go so he could take off after Joseph.  Ben cried out,  “Joe!  Stop!”  to the rapidly disappearing form of his son.

    Ben was able to disengage from the drunken man and ran to his horse.  He quickly mounted and turned Buck in the same direction Joe had left.  He kicked his horse and was off, again in pursuit of his lost child.

    Joe knew he had very little head start on his father, and he had to make the best of it.  He was wishing he had Cochise because of her speed.  He knew Cochise could out run Buck, but he had no idea how the horse he rode would do.  He prayed he would at least be able to keep the lead with which he had started.  As he rode he felt the pressure on his leg but was relieved there was morphine in his system to deaden the pain.  He did not stop to think that the morphine would eventually wear off.

    Kenny had stood and watched Joe’s escape and his father’s pursuit.  She knew that Joe could only get so far before he was going to be sick.  She felt she had to follow and help them.  She owed that to Joe and to Joe’s father.  She went over to the wagon and climbed aboard.  She led the team out following behind the racing horses.  She knew they would be far ahead of her, but she hoped that she would either eventually catch up to them, or the father would catch the son, and they would be turning back, and she would meet them on the road.  Anyway she could be of help to Joe or his father she was willing to do.  She felt she owed them.
 
 

    Adam and Hoss made a point to begin tracking Cochise.  The land of the Ponderosa had various types of terrain and the herd of horses Cochise ran with tended to remain primarily in the valleys.  The herd had been there long before the Cartwrights and it traveled freely along the land.  The Cartwrights would thin the herd from time to time and gather several that they would make riding stock, but for the most part the horses were there as part of the land itself.  Each Cartwright had at various times found it an amazing sight to watch as the animals thundered over the ground.

    There was no sight of the herd the first days they looked for them.  Both men would work a hard day at the ranch and then head out to hunt the herd.  They would come home tired and were greeted by a doting Hop Sing.  Hop Sing had been relieved when he had heard Joe had been found, but his heart said that the ordeal was far from over.  He knew as did the rest of Joe’s family, that Joe had been very  distraught and irrational when he left.  He prayed the boy’s father could reach him and bring him home.

    In order to help ease the suffering of everyone, Hop Sing doted on Hoss and Adam.  He cooked lavish meals and tended to their every need.  Hoss and Adam had noticed it and each had thanked the loving cook for being so good to them.  They knew Hop Sing was hurting too.

    On the fourth day of looking for the herd, Adam spotted them and quickly gave chase.  The horses were rather far off in the distance, and he had a lot of ground to cover to reach the grazing animals.  Sport stepped on a branch, and it’s breaking alerted the stallion, and the herd was quickly running away.  Adam cursed his luck and continued after the rapidly departing animals.  He saw Cochise towards the front of the herd and knew he would not catch up to her.  He had to pull up his horse and watch Cochise run.  He had no way of knowing at that same time his brother was running from his father.

    Joe was on the trail a number of hours and had ridden hard, pushing the horse more than he knew he should, but he was beginning to feel panic come over him.  He was feeling restless and agitated and had no idea why.  Part of him wanted to stop the horse, wait for his father to catch up and have it out with him.  But another part told him that it was unwise, and he needed to keep moving.  Joe was beginning to sweat hard, although the temperature was cool.  The longer he rode, the more he felt as if he was coming down with an illness.  It had a gradual onset, and he tried to concentrate on the trail ahead of him.  He had felt the morphine wear off soon after leaving town, and he was much more aware of his leg.

    Ben remained in pursuit of Joe and prayed something would allow him to catch up to his son.  He knew his son was an excellent rider and would push himself and the horse as hard as he could.  He hoped that Joe’s horse would tire before Buck and was grateful Joe was not on Cochise.

    The longer he traveled, the worse Joe felt.  He was beginning to feel nauseous and was unsure he could keep up the pace.  He felt as if he was a wire drawn tight becoming more and more tense and restless.  He thought of what Kenny had said in the room when she had spoken of his getting sick and said to himself,  “No!  You will not get sick!  Keep going!  Just keep going and it will pass!”  He had this thought over and over as he used it to focus upon, rather than the very ill feeling that was overtaking him.  What he did not realize was he had slowed his horse.  He was more focused on how he felt and it allowed the tired animal to back off of the pace at which Joe had been traveling.

    Ben had no idea that Joe was slowing and he kept Buck running as much as possible, only backing off to a trot when he felt he had to in order to save his horse.  He followed the trail and could see the fresh hoof prints of a running horse.  He knew it had to be Joe.  He was certain his son would not stop unless outside forces intervened.  He had not long to wait.

    Joe felt his stomach seize and the cramp was intense.  It grabbed him hard and he almost fell of the horse.  He knew he was going to be sick and lost focus of his riding.  The horse slowed as Joe struggled to remain in the saddle and hold down the illness.  He eventually gave in and pulled up the horse.  He half dismounted, half fell off of the horse and was doubled over, violently ill.  He heard the approaching horse and thought,  “Well you tried,”  as a cramp grabbed him again.

    As Ben rode he could see the horse stopped in the road.  His heart skipped a beat as he thought Joe had been thrown.  As he neared the horse, he saw Joe off to the side bent over, head down.

    “Joseph!”  Ben called as he quickly dismounted Buck and ran to his son.  Joe had not moved, as Ben ran to him.  Joe was slowly rocking back and forth trying to calm his stomach.

    “Son, are you okay?  What’s wrong?”

    “I got sick s’all.  I’ll be okay in a minute.”  He said, praying that would indeed be the case.

    Ben realized what the young saloon girl had told them would happen to Joe had started.  He had no idea how long he had been chasing Joe, but he knew it had been a while.  “Son, I think what Kenny talked to us about is happening to you.”

    “No it’s not, Pa.  I just pushed too hard with the horse and it made me sick.”  Joe said knowing full well that his riding had nothing to do with becoming ill.  He tried to slow his breathing as his father put his hand on his back.

    Ben reached for his son for two reasons.  The first to comfort Joe, and the second to hold on to him so he would not run again.  “Joe, take it easy now, you need to just settle down and relax some.”

    Joe knew his father had caught him and he was again trapped.  He did not realize where the nervousness was coming from, but he was feeling anxious and his father’s arm on his back began to bother him.  “Pa, please leave me alone a minute.”

    “No I’m not going anywhere.  Not with that fool stunt you pulled.  I’m staying right here with you.”

    “Please leave…” Joe could not finish his sentence before he was sick again.

    Both men stayed as they were and did not speak.  Joe felt the nausea lessen and sighed.  He wiped his sweating brow and finally stood up straight.  He was tired.  Ben watched Joe, his face showing his concern.  “Joseph, you’ve got to stop this foolishness now.  You’re in no shape to continue to fight with me.  Just stop it.”

    Joe looked at his father.  He knew he had to stop running for the moment.  He knew he had to give in.  His leg was aching, and his stomach turned.  Joe felt his fear as he thought to himself,  “Oh no.  What do I do now?”  He said to his father,  “I give up, Pa.  You got me.”

    “Well son, I hate it that you look at it that way, but I’m glad you’ve stopped running.”

    Joe justified to himself he would wait until an easier time to escape.  He knew he and his father had several days on the trail back to the Ponderosa, and he would bide his time until there was a better opportunity.  Finally, the wave of nausea passed all together, and he breathed a sigh of relief.  He was hoping that was the end to the misery.  He hoped wrong.

    After gathering himself back together, Joe turned to his father and asked,  “So what happens now?”

    “Well I think we should head back to town.  We can probably just make it before dark.  The horses are tired, and you’re not in any shape to ride hard, so we need to take it easy and head back.”

    Joe walked over to the bay and mounted up.  Ben saw his son wince noticeably and asked,  “Joe, you sure you can ride?”

    “Well, doesn’t look like I have much of a choice.  I’m okay.”

    Ben saw a dejected look on Joe’s face, and although he knew he was doing what was right, he felt bad that his son was only going with him because Joe had admitted defeat.  Ben told himself that the days on the trail back to the Ponderosa would allow him to get through to Joseph.  He knew he had to break through the wall of hurt and pain Joe had built if he ever had a chance of getting his son back, and his son regaining the desire to stay alive.  Ben was cautious of Joe because of his having run before, but he also saw his son had surrendered to going with his father.

    The two started the long trek back to town.  Joe did not talk as they rode.  He would feel waves of nausea and then it would pass.  He frequently had to wipe his brow and was feeling as if he was getting a cold.  His eyes and nose watered.  He could see out of the corner of his eye his father watching him.  It made him uncomfortable.

    Ben continued to eye Joe as they rode.  He desperately wished that Joe would talk to him.  He knew that he would have to instigate conversation, but was reluctant to go through the same exchanges that he had experienced with Joe since the accident.

    Finally Joe had reached a point of irritation where he could not hold it in.  He did not know why he was so anxious, but he was tired of his father looking at him.  “Pa, would ya please stop lookin’ at me.  I ain’t goin’ no where.  I told you, I give up.”

    Ben looked at Joe and saw Joe was looking green.  He was beginning to wonder if he could get his son back to Sacramento before nightfall.  Ben thought “If Kenny is right, then Joe is going to get worse, maybe a lot worse.”  Ben pushed his horse a little faster and said aloud,  “Joe it is obvious that you are not feeling too well.  Do you need to stop?”

    “No, lets keep goin’.  Get it over with.”  Joe said in a harsh tone, all the while not looking at his father.

    Soon after Joe spoke those words, he was again seized with a cramp that made him draw up his horse.  He tried to keep breathing as he felt the nausea overcome him again.  He had to get off his horse and quickly dismounted.  Again he was violently ill and knew he could not get back on the animal.  He gave in to the feelings of being ill and collapsed onto the ground.  “Pa, I don’t think I can do it.”

    Ben was immediately next to Joe.  “It’s okay, we’ll figure out something.”  Ben knew he had no supplies with him, but he also knew Joe could not go on riding a horse.  He was getting sicker.  Ben could see it.  Joe was sweating profusely.  His son was looking more and more ill.  The cold signs Joe had developed made Ben briefly flash to the time Joe had developed a cold and then milked it for all it was worth to stay out of school.  Ben found himself wishing that was all he was facing.  He knew he was headed for more dark times with his youngest and it made him worried.  He said,  “Joseph, it’ll be all right son, you’re gonna be fine.”

    Just then they heard horses approach.  Joe was unable to look towards the approaching animals.  He had decided he would focus all of his attention on the ground under him.  Joe was starting to get concerned with how he was feeling.  He had been able to keep the sickness away, but it took a lot of concentration, more than he felt he could continue to give.  He asked himself,  “What happens when I let go?  What happens when I can’t stop it?  Was Kenny right?  What’ll happen to me?”

    Ben looked up to see the approaching wagon.  He was relieved to see the saloon girl.  She had come to their rescue.  As she approached, Kenny could see Joe on the ground and his father next to him.  She thought to herself,  “It must have started already.”

    “Kendall, are we ever glad to see you.”  Ben called out as she pulled the horses up.

    “Looks like you need some help.”  Kenny said climbing down from the wagon.  “Joe, you okay?”

    “Uh, um, yeah I think.”  Joe’s tone indicated he was not at all sure he was okay.

    “Son, lets get you up in the wagon and we can head back.”

    “Yeah, uh okay.”  Joe really did not want to move from where he was and dreaded riding in the wagon.  He was confused with the physical feelings he was experiencing.  He was anxious and wanted to move around for that reason, but he did not want to move because of the nausea.  He was not sure which part of him would win in his dilemma to find what would make him most comfortable.

    Ben helped Joe to his feet, and he slowly made his way to the wagon with his son.  As Ben assisted his son, he felt Joe shaking slightly.  “Son, we can stop.”

    “No I can do it, Pa.”  Joe responded, not really sure what he was saying was true.

    Joe sat in the seat next to Kenny, and the three began to head back to Sacramento once more.  Joe wanted to cry out several times.  He was angry and scared and hurting.  The wagon ride was no better than being on a horse, and he did not have any idea how he could hold on, but he vowed he would try.  He would not let his father know he was hurting as bad as he was, because then his father would know that he had a problem with the morphine.  He did not believe he did and refused to accept that it was any different.  He was not willing to entertain the idea that he had a problem, so he tried to will himself out of the withdrawal.

    Joe was fooling no one but himself.  Kenny and Ben could see that he was hurting and he was trying to hide it.  Both felt afraid of what would happen to Joe as his body went through the loss of the substance that had kept him so unaware of his feelings.  They had no idea what was in store and if they did, it would not have helped them.  All three felt as if they were on a run away horse riding towards an unknown destination.  Each was scared, but for very different reasons, and each would discover more about themselves when the horse finally stopped running.  They would each have lost something, each of them, but they would have found something much richer.
    They headed back to town.  Kenny thought about what Mr. Li had shared with her that she had been unable to communicate with the Cartwrights.  She knew Joe was going to get much sicker, and it would be very scary for Joe, his father, and even Kenny herself.  Ben focused on his youngest child.  He would take the pain away in an instant if he could negotiate with God and could take Joseph’s place.  He would do it without thinking twice.  His son meant that much to him.  Joe thought of how bad he felt and the pain in him was justly deserved.  He thought of how he had been responsible for Rebecca’s death and then had tried to escape thoughts of her and felt guilty.  He believed he was now being punished because he could not handle the guilt nor the pain.  He viewed God at that moment as a punisher.  He saw God as a God keeping score, and he was due punishment for the killing of his love and his choice of the ways he coped.

    They rode along until Joe again could not tolerate it.  “Kenny stop.  Please stop.”  Joe said as he was seized by the cramping.  He could not tolerate moving in the wagon anymore.  As the wagon came to a halt, Joe doubled over.  The stopping of the movement helped him some, but he found the cramping to be getting more intense.

    Ben knew they had gotten just about as far as they were going to.  He rode Buck up next to the wagon and looked on his son with great concern.  His eyes meet Kenny’s and both knew what the other was thinking.  They were in big trouble.  Joe was going to have to ride out the illness where they were.

    “Joe, son, you just sit tight here with Kenny.  I am going to look around some and see if I can’t find us a place to hold up.”  Ben was reluctant to leave Joe, but they would quickly be losing light and he needed to get them some place with shelter.  “Kenny, take care of him.  I’ll be right back.”

    With that Ben rode away to scout out a place for them.  Kenny sat with Joe and tried to think of something to help him.  Joe kept his head down and tried to brace himself against the next pain.  “Joe, you’re going to be okay.  Mr. Li told me you would.  Can I do anything to help?”

    “No, ‘less you got morphine on you.”  Joe said softly.

    What Joe did not know was Kenny did have a bottle of morphine with her.  She had the bottle she had shown Joe’s father earlier and had not taken it from her pocket.  She was unsure what she should do with it and thought that maybe if Joe was too sick or was in danger of dying she could give it to him to help.

    “Besides, that Joe.  You need anything?  How ‘bout some water?”

    The thought of actually eating or drinking made Joe’s stomach turn.  “God no, Kenny.  Don’t talk about that.”

    “Joe, you need to drink some water.  Here I gotta canteen right here.”  Kenny said reaching for the canteen.  “You gotta get something back in you.”

    “Kenny, I can’t.  It makes me sick just to think about it.”

    “Joe try.  You’re gonna need it, uh… later.”

    “Why Kenny?  Why later?”

    “Uh, Joe I’m just thinkin’ of you keepin your strength up.”

    “You don’t lie very well Kenny.  Don’t worry ‘bout it.  I’m doin’ better already and it’ll pass in a few minutes.  I’ll be fine.”  Joe tried to say with more conviction than he felt.

    “Now just who doesn’t lie very well?  Here drink.”  Kenny handed Joe the canteen.

    He took a small swallow and was able to hold it down so he drank more.  Kenny and Joe sat in relative silence as they waited for Ben to return.  The time lagged and both were lost in their own thoughts.  They were brought back to the present when they heard the sounds of horses hooves.

    Ben appeared with a smile on his face.  “Well we are in luck.  I have found an old hunting cabin not too far away.  I checked it out and we can hold up there tonight.  Joe you doin’ okay?”

    “Uh, yeah Pa.  I guess.”

    Ben took the lead and Kenny followed.  The cabin Ben had found was nestled in a beautiful meadow.  There were tall pines surrounding it and a small stream flowed behind.  The sun was beginning to set and the trees filtered the light, giving the cabin a glow.  The travelers  pulled up and stopped.  Joe slowly dismounted the wagon and limped into the small house.  He felt the need to sit, so he deposited himself in a chair and starred at the fireplace.  He wondered what would become of him.

    Ben went about unloading the supplies that were in the wagon and tending the horses.  He remained ever aware that Joe could run away as soon as the opportunity presented itself, so he was determined to make it difficult for his youngest.  Ben led the horses away from the cabin to tie them for the night.  He had found an open area behind the cabin and he strung a line and left the horses to graze.  He took the tack and placed it behind the wood pile at the back of the cabin.  He felt bad he had to hide the horses and tack from Joseph, but he would not risk losing his son again.  With that done, Ben left to hunt game for dinner.

    As Kenny went about looking for things to cook, Joe began to wander around the cabin.  He could not find a place where he was comfortable.  He was beginning to shake and his stomach turned.  He would catch a cramp and would tighten up in response to it.  He ended up pacing back and forth occasionally wiping off the sweat on his brow.  He found it odd that he was sweating and yet starting to feel very cold.  His leg hurt to walk but he felt as if he had to keep moving.

    Kenny watched Joe and thought he looked like a caged animal.  “Joe, why don’t you have a seat and rest for a while?”

    “’Cause I don’t want to.”

    “You’re making me nervous with all that pacing.”

    “You’re nervous!”  He thought.  “It feels like I’m gonna come right outta my skin.”  He responded.  “Uh, I just feel like I gotta be movin’, Kenny.”

    “Well then here.  Peel these potatoes.”

    “I don’t want to peel potatoes.”  Joe snapped.

    “Come here and do it.”  Kenny ordered.

    Joe rolled his eyes and walked over to her.  He started peeling potatoes and would pause every so often as a wave of nausea hit.  Kenny watched him out of the corner of her eye.  She wanted to go to him, put her arms around him and help him through the ordeal, but she kept her distance.

    Joe attempted to focus on what he was doing and ignore everything he felt.  He needed to keep moving, so peeling potatoes helped him.  Before long he had peeled every one in the sack.  Kenny started to laugh,  “Hey Joe, ya think ya did enough of ‘em.  We’re gonna have a lot of potatoes tonight.”

    Joe did not answer her as he put down the knife and walked away.  He had to find something else to keep himself occupied.  He was walking towards the door as his father walked in.  “How’re ya’ feeling son?”  Ben asked with concern.

    “Oh just grand, Pa.”  Joe said sarcastically.

    “Where’re you going?”

    “Out.”

    “Why?”

    “Do I need a reason?”

    “Yes, you do, son.  You’re not going anywhere without me.”

    “Fine then.  Would you like to join me outside?  I gotta get some air.  I gotta get outta here.”     Ben immediately turned and joined his son outside.  Joe limped around looking at the various items left by others who had stayed in the cabin.  He came upon an ax and some large logs stacked against the cabin.  He picked up one of the logs and placed it on the chopping block.  With ax in hand he began cutting the wood into smaller pieces.  This allowed him again to concentrate on something and kept his mind off of how he felt.  It worked only for a short time until the cramping intensified.  Joe had to stop and give in.  Ben was quickly beside Joe, which made him angrier, and Joe threw the ax down and limped back into the house.

    The rest of the evening was spent in a very similar fashion.  Joe was anxious and tense and it took little to set him off.  He was unable to keep his supper down and was quickly ill.  He then went about pacing and snapping at Kenny and his father.  Both tried to make it bearable, but both knew at some level Joe was going to feel the pain of the loss of the drug.

    The three claimed their own place within the cabin and each went about keeping themselves busy.  Ben had found a book that looked interesting and had picked it up to read after he realized any conversation with Joe was going to result in him being snapped at, and Joe angrier than he already was.  Kenny too was giving Joe wide berth and was trying to determine what she could do as far as clothing was concerned.  She had run off so quickly behind the two men that she had not been able to grab anything to make her stay a little less rustic.  As she looked around, Joe watched her and eventually asked, “What are you lookin’ for?”

    “Oh, just something to change into.  I’d like to get out of this dress.  It’s not real practical around here.”

    “Just a second.”  Joe said digging through some stuff on the bed.  He produced a pair of pants and a shirt.  “Here these are probably too big, but you can see if they fit.”

    Joe handed her a set of clothing his father had gotten for him.  “Thanks, Joe.” she said smiling at him.

    He stared at her blankly and said nothing.  Ben had watched the exchange and said,  “Come on Joe, let's step outside and give her some privacy while she changes.”

    Ben and Joe made their way outside and waited for Kenny to call them back.  When she called them, she had not meant for Joe to enter as quickly as he had.  She had in her hand the bottle of morphine and tried to hide it from him.

    Joe entered and moved over to the bed and sat.  He was shaking and finding it hard to not think about how ill he felt.  He continued to have to wipe sweat away.  He looked over to Kenny and thought she was acting strangely.  She kept looking at him and she seemed to have something in her hand.  She smiled at him when Joe looked at her.  Joe did not smile back at her, but tried to figure out what she was up to.  He lost interest soon after and attended to the fire, but then he saw her out of the corner of his eye.  She had a bottle in her hand placing it behind a jar in the kitchen area.  Joe thought to himself,  “No, it’s not what I think it is, is it?  She brought some?  She did!  Oh, geez, I need that bottle.  No wait.  Uh, Joe stop thinking about it.  Just stop!  You can’t!  Forget it.”  Joe told himself.

    Kenny looked back at Joe and was unsure if he had seen what it was she had hidden.  She knew he would want the morphine if he knew about its existence and had tried to make it difficult for him to find it.  She was unaware he had seen her hiding place and had plans to get it.  It was one more struggle Joe would endure that evening.

    Eventually the three turned in for the evening.  Ben and Kenny fell asleep while Joe laid trying to sleep.  He had reassured his father that he was okay and that Ben should get some rest.  Joe was tired of his father watching him and was relieved to have his father and Kenny asleep.  As the time passed and sleep would not come, Joe moved from feeling hot to cold and the sickness ebbed and flowed.  He could not get his mind off of the morphine he had seen Kenny hide.  He tried everything he knew of not think of it, not desire it and not need it.  The cramping and shaking were getting worse, much worse, but he had hid it’s severity from his father and Kenny.  He lay in bed trying to make it go away.  He counted up to one hundred.  He did math problems, which he loathed, and he thought of how to break horses.  Nothing took his mind away from the thought that there was morphine just steps away, and he needed it.  He eventually gave in.

    Joe made himself get quietly out of bed.  He worked his way over to where he had seen Kenny hide the morphine.  He was shaking violently by the time he reached the treasure’s hiding place.  Joe put his hand on the bottle and breathed a sigh of relief.  “Got it.”  he said to himself as his hand grabbed hold of the vial.  Joe pulled the cork and began to drink.  He tasted the familiar relief and began drinking heartily.  Just as he felt the tension waive, the bottle was slapped out of his hands.

    “What are you doing?!”  his father’s voice boomed.

    Joe did not realize what had happened at first.  As he realized that the morphine was gone, shattered against the wall, the rage overwhelmed him and he attacked.  “DAMN YOU!”  Joe said swinging at his father.

    Joe was not totally cognizant of the fact that he was attacking his father.  He was out of control and wanting to experience the relief of the medication he believed he had to have.  Ben felt the blow land on his cheek and instinctively grabbed for Joe.  He felt Joe pull back and Ben lunged forward.   Joe struck again, landing a painful blow on his father.  Ben finally grabbed hold and held Joe’s left arm.  From there he was able to reel his son in.  Joe was furious.

    “Let me go!  Let me go, DAMN YOU!”

    Ben held on and moved Joe closer to him.  He knew his son was out of control.  He could feel Joe bucking furiously and fought to get his son under control.  Joe was determined to strike out and was thrashing about.

    “STOP IT!”  Joe screamed.  “LET ME GO!”

    Joe’s anger was also tapping energy in his body.  He would not be able to fight long, but as he was able he went forward full force.  He was afraid and hurting.  He thought the shaking and cramping was more than he could stand.  Little did he know he had only experienced the beginnings of his body’s protest against losing the morphine.

    Ben was being torn apart by his child’s struggle.  Joe was fighting him and that in itself was painful, but that his child fighting him for morphine hurt him deeply.  He had understood at one level what Kenny had described to him regarding Joe’s need for the drug, but he only truly felt it at that moment.  His son had attacked him to get the liquid in the vial.  His youngest, who up to this point had only verbally pushed against his father during the battles they undertook as part of Joe growing up, had never raised his hand to him.  Now Joe had crossed that line and was in full attack.  Ben knew Joe had a murderous rage in him, and Ben was the brunt of it.  He struggled to control the rage.

    Joe was angry and feeling the effects of withdrawal more and more.  He wanted to grab his stomach due to the increased seizing, but he grabbed his father instead.  He was so very angry and held his father accountable.

    Kenny had been awakened by the first verbal exchange between father and son and stood back watching.  She felt her heart break as she saw father and son locked in combat.  She knew neither would give way willingly.

    As Joe struggled he felt his body revolt.  Although he had given himself the desired fluids, his body seized.  He felt the cramp and was quickly doubled over in his father’s arms.  It was much more intense than the others he had felt and he was immediately sick.  Joe lost the precious morphine he was able to ingest before his father had stopped him.  He felt violently ill.  He began shaking and his body violently revolted.

    “Pa, oh Pa!… Oh God!”  was all Joe could exclaim before he was grabbed again by his own body’s fury.

    Ben held his son as Joe’s body punished him for the loss of the morphine.

    “Pa, it hurts, Pa!”  Joe said, calling out to his one protector.  The one Joe always called for when he was hurting.

    “I’m here Joseph.  I’m here.  Son, hold on.”

    “Pa…” was all Joe was able to express before he was seized again.  As the torture died away, Joe relaxed but was soon grabbed again.

    “Oh God…”  was released from Joe before he was stricken again with the violent protest going on within him.

    Ben had never felt so helpless.  His child was suffering and he knew nothing of the problem.  He saw Joe in pain and yet there was no bullet to remove, no wound to suture.  His son had something wrong that Ben Cartwright knew nothing about.

    Ben moved his son over to the bed and put him in it.  He was crying openly.  He wondered why he had to see Joseph as he was, and why his son had to have endured the whole experience beginning with Rebecca’s death.  He longed for his child to return; the Joseph he knew before the accident.  He prayed they would be getting a reprieve soon from God.

    Joe’s withdrawal had entered a very painful, and unfortunately for Joe, long lasting period.  The cramping began to be more and more present until it was constant.  Joe was sweating profusely and tore at his clothes.  He wanted to be free of the clothing because of the heat it retained.

    “Pa, please!  Help me! Pa please!  I can’t do it!  I can’t!  It hurts too bad!  Please!  Help me Pa!”  Joe begged as he grabbed at himself and his father.

    Ben was in agony.  Joe’s cries tore at him.  His son was hurting and he could not stop it.  For a brief second Ben entertained the idea of sending Kenny for more morphine.  His boy was hurting and he wanted it to stop.  But then Ben knew it was because of the morphine that Joe was hurting, and Joe needed to be rid of it.  It killed him to see Joe so vulnerable.  He felt impotent as a father.

    Kenny went to a basin with water, grabbed a rag and brought it over to Joe.  She sat on the floor next to Ben and helped wipe away the perspiration.  “Joe, hang on.  You’ll be okay.  It’s gonna pass.”  She said softly to him.

    “Pa?!  I can’t do this!”     “Son, I am here and we’ll do it together.  You aren’t alone.  You’ll make it.  I’m gonna stay right here Joe.  I won’t leave you, and we’ll do it together.”

    The three endured the remainder of the night together and time seemed to stand still as Joe continued to fight through the withdrawal.  He would cry out every so often and Ben would comfort him.  As the sun rose in the meadow, Ben and Kenny were able to see more clearly the torment Joe was in.  Joe’s hair was wet from perspiration and his clothes were soaked.  The pain showed in his eyes and he would periodically look into his father’s eyes as if to draw strength from him.

    As Joe fought the pain he moved in and out of reality.  He would remain present for long periods of time, but then he would drift into a state in his head where he could not determine what was real and what was a product of the morphine withdrawal.  The drug leaving his system caused his mind to create images that were not real and to have strange beliefs.  Joe had no way of knowing that this was what was occurring and reacted to the images he saw as if they were present.

    The withdrawal brought on behavior for which Ben feared he was again losing his son to madness.  Joe had been relatively quiet for a long period, but this changed suddenly as he began to hallucinate, becoming convinced there were bugs crawling on him.  He frantically tried to brush them off, but was not successful.

    As Joe laid in bed he began saying,  “Get ‘em off of me.  Get ‘em off.”  He sat up with a jolt and began rubbing his arms.  Kenny and Ben looked on and each had no idea what Joe was talking about.

    “Joe son, there’s nothing on you.”  Ben said trying to help.

    “Get ‘em off of me!  Help me get ‘em!”

    “Get what off son?”

    “Don’t you see ‘em Pa?  There’s more and more. Get away!”  Joe jumped up and was out of bed.

    Ben tried to touch Joe, and Joe immediately pulled away and started backing up.  “Don’t touch me!  Get away!”

    Joe backed away from his father until he was in the corner of the cabin.  He looked at his father with wild eyes and Ben kept his distance.  “Son, what is on you?  Tell me and I’ll help.”

    “Bugs, everywhere bugs!  Get ‘em away!”

    Ben tried to take a step forward and Joe yelled,  “Stay away!  You did it!  You put ‘em on me!  Just stay away!”

    Joe was making no sense.  Ben’s mind returned to the day before Joe left the Ponderosa and he became despondent.  It appeared Joe was again lost in his mind, although Ben felt that this time was worse.  He was genuinely afraid Joe was insane.

    “Son, come over and lie down.”  Ben tried to coax Joe back to bed.

    “Nuh uh!”

    “Come on over here.  I’ll help you.”

    “Don’t you touch me!  Stay away!  You just stay right there!”  Joe commanded as he tried to squeeze himself further into the corner and continued to brush off the imagined bugs.  He slid down the wall and sat in the corner.

    Kenny tried to intercede.  “Joe?  What can we do to help you?”

    “Keep him away from me!”

    “Okay Joe I’ll do that.  Now you gotta calm down and come over here.”  Kenny quietly said.

    “NO!  The bugs are there!  No!”

    Kenny sat on the bed and said,  “No look Joe.  They’re no bugs here.  Come back over here, and you’ll be okay.”

    What Kenny said confused Joe.  He could not see any bugs on her yet he believed that is where they came from.  He looked at his father and back to Kenny.  “No it’s a trick.  I’m gonna stay right here.  You stay over there.”

    Kenny allowed Joe to have his belief.  “Okay Joe, stay there.  What can we do to help?”

    Joe did not know how to answer her.  He wanted them to stay away and not hurt him.  He had hurt so bad and was trying to escape the pain  “You want me dead.  You know it!  You’re KILLING me!  Get away!”

    “Joe it is me Kenny.  Remember me Joe?”

    Kenny  got Joe’s attention but he thought he was talking to another.  “Bec?  Why Bec?  Why?”  Joe asked of her.  He believed Rebecca was there.

    “Why what Joe?”

    “Why does it hurt?  Where’s my Pa?”  Joe asked.  “Pa’s not here Bec!”

    “Son I’m here.”  Ben offered.  He felt so sad hearing Joe call to Rebecca.

    Joe looked towards the voice he heard and said,  “No! No!  You want to hurt me!  You’re not my Pa!  Go away!  Go away!”

    Joe’s words cut through Ben.  His son had no idea who he was.  Kenny tried to intercede.  “Joe, your Pa’s right there.  That’s your Pa, Joe.  Look at him!”

    Joe looked at Ben as Ben looked at him.  “Pa?  No you’re not my Pa.  Go away!  You brought it.  You go away!  Leave me alone!  The bugs!  Get ‘em offa me Bec!  Help me!  Pa?  Where are you?!”

    Joe allowed Kenny to approach and she did so cautiously.  He grabbed hold of her.  “Bec?  Bec?  Where’s my Pa?  Oh God Bec  help me!”  Joe was screaming as he swatted imaginary bugs.

    Ben looked on as Kenny tried to help Joe.  Ben was thwarted every time he tried to move towards his son.   Joe watched him closely and would not allow his father to approach.  Ben was heart broken, though he began to resolve himself to the idea of having a son who was insane.  He began to accept that his son, the son he knew before the accident, was gone.  He would take the new son and give him a good life.  He would never give Joseph up, nor would he ever stop fighting for his son, but he began to believe his son, the boy they called Little Joe was gone.  He had a stranger in his beloved son’s place, but it was still his son, and he would take care of him.

    “Bec where’s my Pa?”  Joe grasp held her tight.  “Pa’s gone, Bec.  I can’t find him!  They’re gonna kill me, Bec!  Help me!”

    “Joe what do you want me to do?”  Kenny asked.

    Joe answered,  “Help me Bec!  Help me!  Where’s Pa, Bec?  I need my Pa, Bec.  Pa?”

    Ben called out,  “Joseph, I’m here””

    “Pa?  Pa?  Help me!  Come help me!”

    Ben could resist no longer.  His son cried out for him and he approached.  He hugged Joe, and Joe screamed,  “No!  No!” but Ben’s grip did not lessen.

    Joe squirmed but soon gave in.  He felt a familiar feeling.  His father’s hug.  He smelt a familiar smell.  He was in his father’s arms.  “Pa!  Oh Pa!  Oh God, help me Pa!  Help me!  Get ‘em offa me!”

“Joseph. I’m here.  You’re gonna be okay, son.  Your Pa is here.  I’ll take it away.”  Ben made all of the promises a parent makes a child to make them safe.  He would save Joe from any dangers.  He hoped Joe knew that.

    “Pa?  Pa you’re here.”  Joe grabbed tighter to his father.  “Pa!  I need you!”

    “Son I’m here.”  Ben said, as he crouched down in the corner with his child.

    “Pa, stay here.  They’ll get me right here.  You stay here and make ‘em leave Pa.  You can fix it, you can.  You’ll make it all better, and I’ll be all better.  You’ll fix it Pa!”  Joe then cried out,  “No Pa!  No!  Help me!  Where are you?’

    Ben had not let go of Joe since he was able to grab hold without Joe’s strong protests.  He spoke,  “Joe, I’m here boy.  I’m here.  I’ll fight who ever needs to be fought.  I’ll keep you safe, Joseph.”

    “Pa, where’s Bec?”

    “Joe, I’m here.”  Kenny took over.  She had no idea if Joe would let her be his Bec, but she wanted to ease the suffering she was seeing.  She knelt and finally sat on the other side of Joe.

    “Bec? ‘Kay Bec.  Stay here.  Right here.”  Joe told her and continued to brush the imagined creatures from him.

    Ben held firm to Joe and let him do whatever kept him calm.  Joe shook violently and would at times call out, but as the hours passed Joe quieted and the exhaustion finally began to take it’s toll as he became tired.  His eyes became heavy, but he fought sleep.  Ben and Kenny would see his head nod, but then he would reawaken and fight drifting off.

    Ben tried to help him,  “ Son, you’re so tired.  Go on to sleep.  I’ll be here.  You sleep for a while.”

    “But Pa, I don’t wanna sleep.  The dreams, they’re bad.”

    Ben knew of what his son spoke.  Joe had developed nightmares after his mother’s death and seemed to experience them whenever he was conflicted or troubled.  Joe seemed to have great difficulty riding out the bad dreams and would struggle long hours trying to keep them away.  It had been something that Ben had accepted and often used as an indicator to know if his youngest was troubled about something.

    “Joe, you’ll be okay.  Just close your eyes.  I’ll be here.”

    Joe fought sleep as long as he could and then it took over.  His head finally came to rest on his father’s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm so it intertwined with his father’s.  Ben felt his son’s grasp and knew he needed to stay there, allowing Joe to experience the safety a child feels only with his father.  All three sat silent and not moving as Joe drifted deeper into sleep.

    Ben listened to his child’s breathing and only dared to move Joe when he felt the slow rhythmic breathing of his child deep in sleep.  It was known within the Cartwright family that Joe slept heavily.  It had become a family joke after Joe had slept through a minor cattle stampede his first time on out on the annual cattle drive.  Everyone else had scampered to contain the herd and returned an hour later to Joe still sound asleep in his overturned saddle.  He never had any indication there had been trouble with the herd.

    Ben gathered up Joe in his arms and moved him back to the bed.  He looked down on his child and wiped away the sweat from his brow.  Ben was so afraid he had lost the child he had found.  He again prayed for his boy.  He prayed for peace.  He removed the sweat soaked shirt from Joe, as Joe continued to sleep heavily.  As he then laid Joe in the bed he pulled up the blankets, brushed through Joe’s hair and said softly,  “Joe, I’m here and I love you.  You rest now.  Just rest.”

    The sun was setting as Kenny and Ben breathed the first sighs of relief they had in several days.  Joe was quiet and seemed to be resting peacefully.  Ben reluctantly left Joe’s side and moved over to the fire where he and Kenny talked quietly.

    “Kenny, I must say, I’m relieved you are here, but I’m very confused over this whole ordeal.  I’m not sure what to make of all of it.  I’m not sure I can get past your setting my son up for that monster.”

    “Mr. Cartwright, I don’t blame you at all.  I know what I did was unforgivable.  I have no excuse as I told you earlier, and after seeing what Joe is going through, I have no idea how I will live with this.  I do have to tell you that Joe has taught me so much, and I am changed because he came to Sacramento.  I know he has no idea what he has done, and I pray one day I can tell him.”
    “Kenny, my son is a good person.  All three of my boys are.  I want you to know the Joseph that was here is only a shadow of my child.  What I have seen my boy go through is almost more than I can bear.  I see how you have helped us, and I am very grateful, but I also have a problem with your having hurt him.”

    “Of course.  I see how much you love him and how hard you are fighting for him.  Mr. Cartwright, whatever you want to do, I accept.  I know I’m different now, but I need to pay the price for what I’ve done.”

    Ben looked at the young woman for a long while.  He had seen her willingness to help in any way he had needed, but she was partially responsible for why he needed the help.  Ben remained conflicted over the young woman’s role in Joe’s suffering.  He did not feel he had an answer to how the situation should be handled.  He knew what he would do to Shelby Butler, that was easy to decide.  The law would be brought in immediately.  But with this woman, it was much harder to determine the right thing to do.

    Ben had so many questions regarding his son and what his son had experienced while away from the Ponderosa.  He was unsure he would ever have them all answered.  He knew his son had been changed by the experience he had undergone.  Joe had endured a loss of innocence that Ben knew he could not replace.  He simply hoped it had not damaged Joseph to the point where he could no longer function.  Ben hoped he did not have to pay that price.

    Ben decided to step out to get some air and to clear his head.  He had felt tears as he thought of Joseph and wanted time alone.  As Kenny sat by the fire, she heard a soft moan come from Joe.  She looked in Joe’s direction and saw him starting to move about in the bed.  She thought to herself,  “Oh no Joe, you have got to be exhausted.  You need to sleep.”

    Kenny moved over to the bed as Joe tossed and turned.  It was obvious he was having a bad dream and she sat next to him.  As he rolled over onto his stomach she reached out and began to rub his back.  Joe did not fully wake.  She spoke quietly to him,  “It’s okay, Joe.  It’s just a bad dream.  You’re fine.  Your Pa is here, and you’re safe.  Shhh, now.”

    Ben walked back into the cabin and saw Kenny rubbing Joe’s back and talking softly to him.  For a moment he flashed to Marie.  When Little Joe was small, Marie insisted his cradle stay in their room, probably much longer than needed.  Ben would wake in the night to see his wife rubbing Little Joe’s back and talking softly to him.  She would then smile towards her husband and express how amazed she was at the beauty of their son.  She would go on to say she knew that is how every mother felt, but she just could not believe the love she felt for Joseph.  She never tired of looking and talking to their child.

    Ben’s mind moved back to the present as he moved over to Kenny and Joe.  “Is he okay?”

    “Yeah, I think he’s settling down again.  He must have been having a bad dream.”  Kenny stood and Ben took her place next to Joe.

    Eventually as night fell and fatigue set in, Ben laid next to his son and was easily awaken in the night as Joe stirred with disturbed dreams.  Ben would comfort his son, and Joe would calm and drift back into sleep.

    The dreams Joe experienced were confusing and made little sense.  The withdrawal left his mind troubled, trying to make sense of pictures and images while he slept.  He found comfort in the soft words and gentle touch of his father and the dreams never progressed to the awful nightmares which he so greatly feared.

    Morning came to the meadow and the cabin brightened with sunlight.  Kenny rose and was busy trying to put together something for breakfast.  The smell of coffee made Ben wake, and he joined Kenny in preparing the meal.  Joe remained asleep and did not stir.

    Ben decided to let his son sleep as long as he could.  He and Kenny went outside, leaving the door cracked to listen for Joe and sat for breakfast.  “Kenny, I’m realizing that there is really no way Joe can travel for a while.  I need to get word to my boys at the ranch so they don’t worry.  I’m very reluctant to leave Joseph to go to town.”

    “Oh, Mr. Cartwright, say no more.  I’ll go and send the wire.  You just write out what you need and I’ll make sure it is sent.  I can pick us up a few more supplies, and I can grab me some clothes.  I reckon I need to help you for a while.  I know I have no job to return to, so I’m at your disposal.”

    Ben looked at the woman, hoping he could trust her.  She had been so helpful, but what if she abandoned them there?  He weighed his options and decided to trust her.  “That would be most helpful.  Here, I’ll write out the wire and give you some money.”

    Ben helped Kenny saddle the horse Joe had ridden and she was soon off towards town.  Ben had contemplated what he would tell Adam and Hoss and decided to keep the reason for the delay somewhat vague.  He was unsure what he would tell his two oldest about Joseph’s current state.  He did not want to alarm them, and he had no idea Joe’s mental condition.

    As the morning wore on Joe showed no signs of waking.  Ben finally decided he could stand it no longer and felt he needed to check on his son.  He also had wanted to get some food into Joe to keep up his strength.  Ben grabbed the food Kenny had prepared and moved over to Joe.  “Joe, son wake up.  Come on wake up.”  He coaxed and shook Joe’s shoulder.

    Joe groaned and rolled away from his father.  Ben continued to coax.  “Joe, come on time to wake up.  Wake up, boy.”

    Joe mumbled and it was obvious he was half asleep,  “Awe come on, Pa.  I’m tired.”

    “I know you are Joe, but you need to wake up and eat something.”

    “Naugh,… not hungry… tired.”

    “Joseph, wake up now.  Come on, roll over here and look at me.”

    Joe had never before experienced the level of fatigue he felt.  He had slept many hours, but remained exhausted.  He begrudgingly opened his eyes and looked at his father.  “Yeah?”

    “Son sit up here and eat.  You haven’t kept anything down for days.  Come on here sit up.”

    Joe dragged himself into a seated position.  He was numb from sleep and was quiet.  Ben sat the bowl of soup on the night stand and handed Joe a spoon.  Joe took it in his hand and moved slowly as he ate a few bites.  Ben tried small talk but only was rewarded with only “uh huh’s” and “uh uh’s”.  He wanted Joe to talk to see how his son’s mental state was.  Joe remained quiet.

    Ben walked over to get Joe some more water from the kitchen area and by the time he returned to his son, Joe was sitting in bed, leaning against the wall, fast asleep with the spoon still in his hand and soup still in the spoon.

    “Okay son, you win.  Go to sleep.”  Ben said smiling as he removed the spoon from Joe’s hand and lowered his son back into bed.

    Kenny headed into town to send the wire and take care of some business.  She was leery of Shelby seeing her, so she decided to be as inconspicuous as possible.  She made her way to the telegraph office and then walked to the saloon.  She went around to the back entrance and made her way up the stairs to her room.  When she entered her room she saw it was in shambles.  Her things were broken, and little was left of any value.  Kenny knew who had done this, and she also knew there was a message in the vandalism.  Shelby was now after her.  She was very aware she had to be careful.

    She threw some clothes into a bag and gathered a few things of sentimental value.  She began to feel relieved that there was nothing left for her in the Cock 'o the Walk Saloon.  She was making a clean break.  She then exited her room and went into the one Joe had occupied while he had been there.  It too had been torn apart and the room was destroyed.  She grabbed some of his clothes and a few things she thought he may want and then exited the Saloon from the back.

    Her final stop was the bank.  Kenny made arrangements for all of the money she had to be sent for with a wire, whenever she reached her traveling destination.  She was developing a sense of guilt with regards to how the money was obtained, and she wanted to think about what she wanted done with it once the crisis with Joe was over, and she paid the price for her willingness to collude with Shelby.

    Kenny almost had a clean get away from Sacramento.  Almost.  Shelby was walking out of the Saloon when Kenny was leaving the bank.  She did not see him because he immediately ducked back in the swinging doors and watched her.  Shelby saw Kenny was wearing what looked like man's clothes and walked over to a bay horse.  He knew whose horse it was instantly, and he felt a rage overtake him.  He had realized the kid and his father had run out on him, and he was trying to think of how to best manage the procuring of the five thousand dollars the kid’s father had agreed to pay him.  He would not be stiffed in the deal.  Shelby saw it as they had made an agreement, and Ben Cartwright owed him.

    Shelby had also come to realize that Kenny was gone as well.  He did not know where she had gone, but he had not thought she would be with the kid and his father.  He had thought that the father would take one look at Kenny, see her as trash and send her packing.  He had no concept of how the Cartwrights operated.

    As Shelby watched Kenny go towards the horse, mount up and ride away, he formed his plan.  He would make them pay.

    Adam and Hoss had received the initial wire from their father when Ben first arrived in Sacramento and were informed Little Joe had been found and was safe.  Both brother’s breathed a sigh of relief as they read that Ben would be returning shortly with Joe.
Both had been in town taking care of various business when the telegram from Sacramento arrived.  It was Hoss who was notified that there had been a telegram from his father.  He was surprised to be told there was a wire, because he and Adam were expecting their father and Joe back any day.
Hoss read the telegram.

ADAM (stop)
DELAYED ON RETURN (stop) NOT TO WORRY (stop) HAVE JOE (stop) TYING UP BUSINESS (stop) UNKNOWN WHEN RETURN TO PONDEROSA (stop)  TAKE CARE OF HOSS AND RANCH (stop) WILL SEND WORD SOON (stop)
PA (stop)

    Hoss was confused by what he read.  He wondered why his father not bringing Joe home.  Hoss soon found Adam and showed him the telegram.  Adam had the same question as Hoss.  He was confused at what his father was doing, but he also knew that if there had been real trouble their father would have used the code they had developed years ago and would have asked him to look after Erik.  Ben had developed the code with Adam just in case either were in a precarious situation and needed the other to know without other's being wise to the clue.  By Ben using Hoss's nickname rather than his given name of Erik, Adam felt his father was telling him everything was fine.

    “Hey Adam, why you reckon Pa stopped and isn't bringin' Joe right home?”  Hoss asked, his disappointment showing.

    “I have no idea Hoss.  I know you really want Joe home, and Pa knows it too.  Something must have come up.  And, in a way, we’re lucky, cause we still have to catch that wild pony of our little brother’s.”

    Adam and Hoss had tried several times to catch Cochise and each time the pinto had out maneuvered them  The pony at first did not allow them to approach at all, but as the days passed, Cochise would let them get close, but was quickly away before they were within distance of putting a rope on her.  Little did Adam and Hoss know, Joe was relating to his father in a similar manner.

    Joe slept much of the day.  Ben would periodically check on him, and when Joe would stir, Ben was right at his side.  Ben was grateful Joe had been given a reprieve and was able to rest.  His son had looked so tired for a very long time.  It did not surprise Ben the amount of sleep Joe was needing and did everything he could to make certain his son slept.

    Joe finally stirred and woke in the afternoon.  He lay in the bed, eyes closed, as he came back to consciousness.  He felt an excruciating headache and was extremely thirsty.  Emotionally he felt very dark.  Darker than he had felt since leaving the Ponderosa.  He had no way of knowing the darkness he felt was enhanced by the morphine withdrawal.  He only knew he was back in a very bad place in his mind.

    His thirst finally drove him to open his eyes and begin to get out of bed.  As he sat up, his head throbbed.  He felt queasy and as if his arms and legs were made of lead.  He looked over and saw his father sitting with a book, but looking at him.

    "Hey son, how do you feel?"  Ben asked, showing concern.

    "Mmm, okay."  Joe said flatly, running his hands through his hair and standing.  He grabbed his shirt from where his father had placed it and put it on, but did not button it.

    "Can I get you anything?"

    "I'll get it."  Joe started to walk to the kitchen area.  He found some water and drank it quickly.  It did not seem to even touch his thirst. Ben moved over to Joe and was watching him.

    "Need more?"  Ben offered.

    "Uh, yeah, I feel like I haven't drunk anything for a week."

    "Well, you've been so... uh... sick and sweating and everything, I'm not surprised."

    His father's referral to the last couple of days made Joe return there in his mind.  It had all been so terrifying, and he had not understood it.  He questioned if he would be subjected to that type of experience over and over in his life.  He believed if that were the case then there was nothing that would keep him from ending his life.  He could not tolerate the terror any further.  His family's love would not be enough to save him.  He knew that, and he began again thinking of a way to die.

    Ben handed Joe one of the canteens from their supplies, and Joe drank heartily.  Ben then told him,  "Joe, I want you to eat now."

    Joe was not hungry but thought maybe he would not feel so weak if he ate, so he acquiesced.  Ben sat quietly with his son as he ate.  Joe was relieved to discover that his stomach cooperated, and he was able to hold down the meal.

    After eating, Joe stood and limped towards the door.  Ben asked,  "Son, where're you going?"

    Joe stopped, but did not turn around,  "I was gonna go outside, Pa"

    "I told you before son, you cannot go out by yourself.  I'll go with you."

    Joe rolled his eyes and said,  "Suit yourself."  He then continued to move outside.

    Ben followed behind.  Once outside and looking around, Joe noticed something seemed to be missing, and then it dawned on him.  "Pa, where're the horses?"

    "I put them somewhere safe where you couldn't get to them and take off."

    Joe turned and looked at his father with a look of total disbelief.  "You hid the horses?... From me?... You actually did that Pa?... Why?"  Joe asked, knowing full well why his father had done what he had.

    "So you don't take off Joseph.  I won't let you run away again."

    "You'd do that to me?  You'd not trust me?  I told you I gave up, and you did that anyway?"  Joe was feeling angry, but not at his father's lack of trust.  It was because his father was watching him so closely and was cutting off ways of escaping.  "What else did you hide?"

    "Joe you have taken off twice, and I cannot let you do it again.  You need my help son, and you’re running away does nothing to help you."

    "Am I now your prisoner?!"

    "No, you are not a prisoner."

    "Well, Pa, I guess I should be, 'cause that's the ONLY way I’m gonna go home with you!  I'm not going home Pa!  I won't do it, and if you happen to get me there, then the second I can, I'm gone again!  I can't go there!"

    "Joe we don't need to discuss this now.  Calm down and relax.  We're not going anywhere for a while."

    "Nothing is gonna change my mind, Pa!  Nothing!"

    "Joseph, son, please.  We don't need to have every conversation be a battle.  We can talk calmly.  We don't even have to discuss going home right now.  You are so weak, and you need to rest up first. We can wait as long as you need to get stronger."

    Joe stood staring at his father.  He thought,  "Have you heard anything I just said?  Do you hear me at all?  Even if I’m stronger, I'm not going back.”  Joe said,  "Whatever you say, Pa."  And walked over to the chopping block and sat down.

    Joe sat staring at the ground wondering how he was going to get away.  He stopped his planning when he heard a horse approach.  He looked up to see Kenny ride up on the bay.  "Hey Joe, you feel better?"

    "I'm okay."  He said standing and reaching for the horse's bridle to hold the horse for Kenny to dismount.

    "I grabbed some of your stuff from your room and got you some more clothes."

    "Thanks for doin' that."  Joe said with no intonation in his voice.  "I gotta get cleaned up."

    Joe turned to his father and asked sarcastically,  "Do you have a problem with me going over to the stream there and cleaning up, or are you afraid I'll jump in and swim away?"  He thought to himself,  "Maybe I'll jump in and drown."

    "I wish you didn't need to speak to me that way, but no Joseph, I have no problem with you doing that.  We'll give you some privacy, but I want you to know I'm right here."

    "Oh, I am very aware of that, Pa."  Joe said and limped down to the stream.

    The stream behind the cabin was down a small hill, and Joe could be seen if he stood, but if he knelt down, whomever was at the cabin would have to walk to the crest of the hill to see him.  Joe knelt down to the water's edge and scooped up water in his hands and washed his face and wet his hair.  The cold water felt refreshing and he kept his eyes closed.  He did not see the man approach him.

    Joe was suddenly grabbed by the back of the hair.  He heard the sound of a gun cock and felt it pressed against his temple.  "Howdy, kid."

    "Shelby."  Joe said, identifying the man.

    "Ah, good.  Glad you weren't such a drunk you forgot your old buddy.  So this is where you're held up huh?  Nice place."

    "What do you want?"

    "Just what’s mine, kid."  Shelby said, pulling Joe to his feet by his hair.  "Come on, up the hill ya go, ya crip."

    As Joe stood, Ben looked over and saw his son and Shelby.  His heart was in his throat as he saw Shelby with a gun pointed at Joe.

    Shelby looked at Ben as he ascended the hill with Joe.  "Well hello there, Mr. Cartwright.  I believe I have something of yours.  And if I recall, you have something of mine."

    "Let him go, Shelby.  You're making an big mistake."

    "Oh no, it’s you who made the mistake thinking you could run out without giving me my money.  That may prove to be fatal for your bad seed here."  Shelby said, pointing with his gun at Joe.  "And where is the lovely Kenny?  Oh, Kenny, ya whore, get out here."

    Kenny had gone into the cabin to change clothes and had not heard Shelby until he called for her.  She immediately knew they were all in a lot of danger.  Kenny appeared in the doorway and moved outside.

    "There ya are, Kenny.  Thought you could just up and leave did ya now?  Thought you could come play house with this drunk and his Pa, huh?  You were so wrong there, Kenny.  Ya shoulda known I'd find you.  You so sadly underestimated me."

    "What do you want, Shelby?"  Kenny asked, trying to seem unaffected by the man’s words.

    "Oh darlin', you should know by now I want everything.  And you should also know by now I tolerate betrayal poorly. You really thought you could run away with your lover here?  Kenny, he doesn't even know you exist."  Shelby started laughing.  "It was hilarious to watch you in the saloon pining over this piece of garbage, and him not knowing you existed.   Geez kid, you were so far gone most of the time I'm not sure you knew much of anything.  Let me enlighten you.  You see Kenny here..."

    Joe had seen the look on Kenny's face and knew she was on the verge of breaking down from what Shelby was saying.  He interrupted Shelby,  "Shelby shut up and save it.  What do you want?"

    Joe's response enraged Shelby and he pulled back his gun and hit Joe hard on the shoulder with the gun butt.  This resulted in Joe's legs buckling some and he started to fall.  Shelby held him up by his hair and continued to talk.  "Oh Kenny look.  Your lover here is defending your honor.  Isn't that sweet.  Now lover, you'll keep your yap shut and continue to listen.  Where was I?... Oh yes, I was telling you about how Kenny here is in love with you, and she has this wild idea you care in the slightest for her.  Now, I know and you know that nothing is further from the truth, ‘cause I know what you care about, and it comes in a little vial.  Oh I'm sorry, Joe, I should a brought ya some, but I had to leave in a hurry to follow Kenny here."

    Ben had been standing, ever watchful of Shelby and also sizing up the situation.  He knew he had a gun behind the woodpile with the tack and the woodpile was not that far from him.  He had to figure a way to get the gun and get Shelby.

    “Now this is what is gonna happen here, folks.” Shelby had a wicked grin on his face as he first talked to Ben and then to Joe.  “Cartwright, you are gonna get me my money, and you are gonna be quick about it.  You see, I really hate this brat of yours and would love to put a bullet in him and be done with it, but for some reason you seem to think he’s worth saving.  Seems to me, he’s a spoiled rich kid who has no self control.  Well, spoiled rich kid, I think you should be humbled some.  What do you think?”

    With that Shelby kicked the back of Joe’s knees, and Joe fell into a kneeling position.  Shelby remained holding Joe by the hair, and he then put the gun back up to Joe’s temple.  “Hey, this is much better.  I like it.”

    Joe had been listening to Shelby, but it was hard for him to be afraid.  The darkness he was feeling made him believe that he deserved what Shelby was doing.  The withdrawal from the drug left him confused and unable to think very clearly.  The more he listened to Shelby, the more he did not resist him, and the more he began to believe him.

    “This is what is gonna happen.”  Shelby instructed.  “Cartwright, you will ride into town.  You’ll have three hours to go there and come back.  In town, you get me my money.  I don’t care if you rob a bank to do it.  Just get it.  Meanwhile, me, and Kenny, and Joe are gonna hold tight here.  If you’re late, or bring anyone back with you, the brat will have a bullet in his head.”

    Ben asked a question to stall for time.  “How do I know you will not kill him while I’m gone?”     “That you don’t.  Will make for an anxious ride I know, but, well, I don’t care now do I?  You know Cartwright, I still don’t get it.  You could just write this kid of yours off and be rid of one huge problem.”

    Shelby then pulled Joe’s head back so that Joe and he were looking at each other.  “Hey kid.  Why do you limp?  You done somethin’ you shouldn’t have?  You go gettin’ into trouble?  I bet you messed up big and got the limp to prove it.  You know Joe I bet you are the cause of a lot of heartache now aren’t you?  I bet you’re the bad apple that has broke your poor Pappy’s heart.  And where’s your ma?  She die of embarrassment over you, or she home sick with grief over the waste of life she spawned?”

    Shelby’s words were affecting Joe.  He was saying all of what Joe felt about himself.  Joe believed he had caused a lot of heartache and did not struggle at all with Shelby.  He started to surrender to the man and realized this was what he had wanted.  Shelby would be his savior.  Shelby would end the pain, and Joe would be free.

    Ben watched Joe as Shelby talked.  His son had always been a fighter and what he saw scared him.  Joe was listening almost as if he was hypnotized by the evil man’s words.  Ben watched as Joe submitted to the vile words spoken.  Ben knew things were becoming extremely dire.

    Kenny was also seeing what was happening to Joe.  Joe’s body posture changed.  His shoulders slumped, and his body was almost limp.  While Shelby was focused on shaming Joe, Kenny looked over at Ben and caught his eye.  Ben motioned with his head to the woodpile.  Kenny saw the butt of a gun visible to her and Ben.  She knew Ben was planning something.

    Just then Joe spoke,  “Shoot me, Shelby.  Shoot me.”

    No one could believe what Joe had said.  Shelby asked, “What did you say?” questioning what he had heard.

    “SHOOT ME!”  Joe screamed.

    Shelby was trying to make sense of what Joe had yelled when Ben realized he had the distraction he needed.  Ben dove for the woodpile and felt his hand grab the gun.  He knew he had very little time and only one chance to hit Shelby before Shelby had a chance to shoot Joe.  Ben took the shot.  Shelby fell backwards and his gun discharged sending a bullet harmlessly into the air.  Shelby’s hand remained grasped to Joe’s hair, so Joe was pulled backwards with Shelby.  Shelby lost grip of his gun and it sailed through the air landing away from the dead man and Joe.

    Joe was momentarily stunned and did not move.  As he realized what had happened, and he was still alive, desperation set in.  He rolled over onto his stomach and started to rise.  He then looked up and saw Shelby’s gun laying in the grass.  The confusion and darkness were driving him.  He had to get the gun and end it he told himself.  He began to crawl towards the weapon.

    Ben and Kenny saw what Joe was going for and both ran to the gun.  Joe was about to reach out for it when Ben grabbed it.  “No Joseph!”

    Joe fell onto his stomach and put his arms around his head.  He spoke quietly to his father, all the while staring at the ground.  “He’s right Pa.  Shelby’s right.  I need to die.  I want to die.”

    Ben went to his son and placed a hand on Joe’s back.  “But Joe, he wasn’t right.  You can’t die.  I can’t lose you.   Hoss and Adam can’t lose you.  Shelby was wrong, boy.  You’ve given me so much joy when you were home and heartache is all I have felt since you have been gone.”

    “But I killed her, and I don’t wanna live with it anymore.  I don’t wanna keep it in me.  I don’t wanna live.”

    “Son, you don’t have to keep it in you.  That’s where you have been so wrong in all of this.  Why do you think you have to keep it all to yourself?”

    With that question, Joe lifted his head and looked at his father.  “I don’t know, Pa.  I just have to.”

    “Son, you do this so much.  You carry your burdens all alone, and they eat you up.  You can ask for help, and it will be there.”

    Joe listened to his father, but there was something that held him back and made him doubt what he heard.  He had no idea why he doubted, but he did.  He was confused.  There were so many jumbled thoughts and feelings blended together.  He felt leery of his father.  He believed he could not talk to him.  “Pa, we’ve gone over this and over this.  When it got so bad at home you saw what happened.  You know there is something in me that is uh… uh… geez, I don’t even know what to call it.  I don’t want that in me, and I don’t want to talk about it.  All I do want is to be with her, and it is the only thing that would fix it all.”

    “How would it fix it son?”  Ben wanted to encourage Joe to talk.

    Joe hesitated before speaking.  He wanted to stop talking.  He wanted to push away.  He rolled over and sat up facing away from his father.  “It just would, Pa.  It would.”

    “And son, how am I supposed to go on if you are dead?  How are Hoss and Adam supposed to go on?”

    His father’s questions made him feel guilty.  He did not want to think of what he was being asked.  “If it had happened the way it was supposed to Pa I would have been, uh,… by now we would have been,… uh…I wouldn’t have lived there anyway.  I would have been…”  Joe trailed his words off.

    “Married?”  Ben helped.

    Joe said nothing as he flinched at the word his father had spoken.

    “Son, you being married and off with your own family is very different than you being dead.”

    Joe allowed his mind to briefly think how his life would have been if Rebecca was still with him.  His thoughts were of making a home, laughing through life and loving each other.  He wanted that life.  Joe thought to himself,  “I wanted the happily ever after.  To be truthful, I still do.  I want it with her.”

    He said to his father,  “Pa, I’m really tired.  We keep talking about the same things, and I don’t see it any different.  You don’t understand.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”  And with that he stood up and walked away.

    Ben looked at his child’s back as he watched him put more distance between them.  He thought of what he had seen and heard with Shelby.  His son had actually said, “shoot me.”  He could hardly believe it.  He thought to himself,  “Joseph, my boy, I don’t want you dead.  You scare me to death.  I can’t lose you son.  You are my boy.  You’re supposed to outlive me.  I’ve got to reach you.”

    Joe moved to sit on the grass much further away.  Ben could see him, so he did not protest.  Joe sat in the same spot the remainder of the day.  He was very tired, but refused to give in to it.  He thought of so much.  His life at home, his of love of Rebecca, and for some strange reason his mind kept returning to the death of his mother.  He had no idea what it all meant.

    Kenny volunteered to go after the sheriff and had taken off again for the city soon after Ben and Joe’s discussion ended.  The sheriff arrived with Kenny after night fall.  He took statements from the three and took away Shelby’s body.  Nothing was mentioned of Kenny’s involvement with Shelby.

    Joe remained quiet through the evening and when it was time for bed, he laid staring at the ceiling until he finally fell asleep.  He rested peacefully, and the first part of the night was free of dreams.  Then it came.

    Joe and Rebecca were in their meadow together.  Rebecca was reading to Joe.  He had his head in her lap and she was running her hands through his hair, and he was thoughtlessly playing with hers.  The only thing that did not quite make sense to him was he smelled rose water.  It did not bother him, but that smell did not belong with Rebecca. He felt so happy and content.  There was a peacefulness that he seldom felt as he lay there listening to her.  Her voice was calm and hypnotizing, and he heard a southern accent.

    Rebecca moved him from her lap, and she stood.  She walked away.  Joe was suddenly at the lake and started looking for Rebecca.  He had a feeling she was there, but he could not find her.  He walked towards his mother’s grave and there was a woman with her back to him standing where the grave should be.  He suddenly felt desperate to have her turn around.  He wondered if it was Rebecca.  As he approached her, his father appeared and grabbed his arm and pulled him away.  He struggled and fought to get to the woman, but his father was winning the tug-of-war.  He tried to talk to his father and tell him what he needed.  He needed help in getting to the woman, but when he looked at his father, his father had no ears.  His father could not hear him.  He felt afraid.  He desperately wanted his father to hear him and stop pulling him away.

    He broke free of his father and ran to the woman.  He turned her around and it was his mother’s face he saw before him.

    His mother did not speak, but pointed to the tombstone that was next to her.  It had the wedding invitation on it.  The epitaph read, “Murdered by Joseph Cartwright”.  She turned and walked away from him.  He looked at his father who was also walking away.  “No, no, come back!  Come back! I need you…”

    “Joe, son wake up.  Wake up.  You’re having a bad dream.  Wake up now.”  Ben was trying to pull Joe out of the thickness of the dream.

    Joe bolted up right into his father’s arms.  He wrapped his arms around his father and held on tight.  He felt young and afraid.  He was relieved his father was there.

    “You’re okay, son.  It was just a dream.”  Ben said, feeling Joe trembling.

    The two sat in an embrace for a moment, and then Joe pulled away.  “Uh, sorry ‘bout that.”

    “You don’t need to be sorry, Joe.  You want to talk about it?”

    “It was just a dream.”

    “I know in the past it helped you to talk about it.  Tell me what the dream was about.”     Joe looked at his father and was trying to decide if he would share the dream.  It had disturbed him deeply.  He decided to share what he had dreamt.  As he told the dream he shook.  Ben listened attentively and said nothing until Joe had finished speaking.  He was unsure of what the dream meant and was not certain how best to help.  “Son, thank you for telling me.  Is there anything I can do?”

    Joe knew what he wanted his father to do, but he felt foolish to even ask it.  He felt he was supposed to be grown, yet what he wanted was something a child would want and was hesitant to ask.  He wondered what his father would think of him.  He lowered his head embarrassed.

    Ben lifted his son’s chin.  “What is it?”

    “Uh… could you, um… would you, ah, sleep next to me, Pa?”

    Ben felt encouraged.  This was the first time his son had asked for help since the accident.  “Certainly, Joe.”

    Ben laid next to his son.  Joe felt himself begin to relax, and he finally fell back asleep.

    Morning arrived, and Joe woke slowly.  He did not hear anything in the cabin and open his eyes to see that it was empty.  He immediately felt panicked. He jumped out of bed and moved as quickly as he could to the door and looked outside.  He saw his father sitting, talking with Kenny.  He felt the panic leave him as he was reassured of his father’s presence.

    Ben noticed Joe at the door and saw the expression on his son’s face and asked,  “Son, everything all right?”

    “Uh, yeah.”  Joe responded and returned inside.

    Ben entered the cabin and asked,  “Son, you looked upset just then.  Something happen?”

    Joe had no idea why he felt the panic he had.  He knew he had felt that feeling other times, but he had no understanding of why he was feeling it just then.  He continued to remain confused in his mind and everything at times would jumble up.  That made him very uncomfortable and made him feel like he was out of control, and he hated it.  “Uh no, Pa.  I just heard a noise, s’all.”

    Ben had been waiting for Joe to wake in order to speak with his son about the events of the previous day.  He had viewed Joe’s asking for help the previous evening as progress, although painfully slow.  “Son, about yesterday.  We need to talk about it.”

    “What is there to talk about.  I thought we did already.”

    “No son, there is so much we have not talked about.  You need to trust me and open up.”

    “Pa, I’ve tried, and there’s just something stopping it.  I don’t know what it is.  All I do know is I can’t go back home.  It will make me crazy, Pa, I know it will.”

    “Son, I have been thinking, and I know how scared you are to go back.  We’re going to stay here as long as it takes.”

    “But what if I can never go back?”

    Ben had thought about that as well.  After seeing Joe yesterday so desperate to die, he had come to a decision.  If it was a choice between his son’s life and returning to the Ponderosa, he would choose his son’s life.  He would move his family where ever he needed to take them.  “Then Joe, you never go back.  But, I hope it does not mean you cannot have your family with you.  I would give up the ranch, and me, and you, and Hoss, and Adam would make a new life somewhere else.”

    Ben’s answer deeply affected Joe.  He knew how much his father loved and valued the ranch, and the idea his father would give it up for him was amazing.  Just then Joe felt a glimmer of hope.  It was small and fleeting, but he so wanted to believe there was a resolution from the despair.  He was uncertain if he truly could believe.
 
 

    Joe took up his customary place sitting outside and staring out into the scenery.  Ben and Kenny never let him out of their sight, but each held back and gave him space.  Ben had decided he would approach Joe slowly, but he would not let up on the pressure to get his son to open up.  He would approach his son as he would a skittish colt.  He would let Joe run, but only so far, and then he would re-approach.  He was determined to get through.

    Kenny sat and watched Joe.  She was confused about what she felt and what she wanted.  She knew she needed to talk to him, so she risked it and approached him.  Joe was sitting with his left leg pulled up and his arms around it.  He looked lost in thought when Kenny walked up and spoke.  “Mind if I sit down?”

    “Huh?”  Joe returned to the present and looked at her.  “Oh, uh, yeah go ahead.”

    “Can we talk?”  Kenny asked cautiously.

    Joe studied her a moment and then answered,  “Yeah.”

    “Joe, I am so sorry for all you have been through, I truly am.  I feel terrible for my part in all of it.  You’ve had it really rough, and I took advantage of that.”

    Joe looked at her and was able to let himself feel something.  He felt compassion.  “Kenny, you’ve apologized enough.  I’m not holding you responsible for any of this.  You need to quit feelin’ so bad.  I didn’t say anything to the sheriff, and I’m not gonna.  I’m not gonna let my Pa say anything either.  You’re free, Kenny.  There is nothin’ over your head.”  Joe spoke very quietly to her, and although he showed no emotion, Kenny could see Joe meant what he said.

    Kenny’s eyes filled with tears.  “Joe, you don’t have to do this.”

    “Yeah, I do Kenny.  I wouldn’t want you to have to suffer ‘cause of Shelby.  You don’t deserve that.  You’re a good person.”

    “So are you, Joe.  I have been wanting to tell you some stuff, and I guess now is as good a time as any.  Yesterday, when you wanted Shelby to shoot you, it just broke my heart.  I want you to live Joe, and I want you to get better.”

    As the conversation turned to him and his problems, Joe became more restless.  “Um, I’m not sure I’ll get better Kenny.  I’m really not.  I know how bad my Pa wants me to, and I know you’ve said it, but this is,… so hard… it’s so hard for me.  Something has happened to me that I don’t understand and am not sure I ever can.  I have no idea why I can’t just be dead.”

    “That’s part of why I wanted to  talk to you.  Joe, you have no idea what you have done for me.  You changed my life.  Your coming to Sacramento was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

    Joe was surprised at Kenny’s revelation.  He had been so out of his head through most of his friendship with her, he had no idea what she was talking about.  “What do you mean?”

    “What I mean is you’ve changed my life.  You came into Sacramento and you were different than the others.  You were an innocent.  You did not deserve what was done to you.  I had looked at the world as take from it what you can, because someone is always gonna take from you.  You weren’t like that.”

    “Kenny, I haven’t been very nice to you, and I’m certainly not innocent in any form of that word, believe me.”

    “Yes you are, Joe.  You loved a girl with all your heart, and you lost her.  You feel responsible.  You feel guilty, and you’re trying to escape.  I’ve heard nothing that makes it so that you deserved any of this.  You didn’t deserve to lose your girl.  You didn’t deserve what Shelby and I did.  You didn’t deserve any of it.

    “And, as far as you being mean to me, you’re pretty easy to read, you know.  You don’t play a mean guy very well.  Oh yeah at times you were nasty, but I could see where it came from, and I understood.   Joe, you’ve gotta stop running.  My only hope for you is that you can learn to live with yourself, and your hurt.  You’re too good a person to let it consume you.  You’re hurting so badly.  You know since you told me of her, I have thought Rebecca was such a lucky girl.  She had your love.  What an incredible gift you gave her.  I really pray you find the peace you need.  I pray you find a way to go on, because you must, you know.  You’re so young and have so many more hearts to break."

    “Joe, stop running and realize that you have it all in your family.  Your father loves you so much.  He really does.  I see it.  And you need him, I can tell.  You still have more growin’ to do.  You need to do it in a safe place.  This world is too dangerous for people like you.  You’re an innocent who trusts too much and hurts too deeply when the story doesn’t turn out the way you dreamed it.  I hope you keep that quality though.  I’d hate to see you harden your heart to the way you think you want it.  You hid in the whiskey and the morphine because you want to stop feeling.  But what you missed Joe, was your feelings are what saved me.  Your feelings are what make you so wonderful.  I just pray you allow yourself to live long enough to see it.”

    Joe felt very uneasy as Kenny spoke, and he said nothing.  He found himself wanting to be numb, and he thought of a drink and how bad he could use one.  Kenny reached over and took Joe’s hand and felt that he was shaking.  “You’ve gotta return to your family Joe.  Your Pa has been telling me so much about you, and I can tell he misses you terribly.  You’ve gotta find yourself Joe.  You gotta look real hard and bring that man back.  He sounds simply wonderful.”

    Kenny could say no more without telling Joe she was in love with him.  She had gone back and forth in her mind regarding what she should say to him.  She so much wanted to tell him that they had made love.  That he had taught her real love, but she knew she could not tell him.  She knew he would feel as if he had betrayed Rebecca.  She had to keep the secret.  She had to live with wanting him and not being able to have him.

    “Kenny, I don’t know what to say.  It is all so confused in me, and I just don’t want to feel it.  I don’t know if I can feel it.  All I feel is all frozen up inside and most of the time that is just fine with me.  It’s when I can’t freeze it that I get…”  Joe had said more than he thought he could say.

    “Afraid, Joe?  Is it you get afraid?”

    He looked at her, and his look answered her question.  She continued on.  “I think when you’re afraid may be the best time to talk about it.”

    Joe looked away from her and watched a bird hop over a rock.  He fleetingly wondered what, if anything, birds had to worry about in their lives.  He asked softly, “But what if you don’t know what you’re afraid of?  What if it is this thing in you that you have no idea what it is, and you can’t get it out?”

    “I think then you keep trying, and you don’t give up.  You let people help you.  You let your Pa help you.”

    As Kenny mentioned his father Joe looked over to where he was sitting outside.  He loved his father very much and knew his father loved him, but there was something between them.  Joe was feeling it more and more.  He was realizing there was something he felt regarding his father that he had never admitted to himself.  He felt he could not trust him.  He had no idea where the feeling came from, but it seemed almost to be getting worse.  He vowed he would never tell his father, and he would make it go away.  He felt guilty for not trusting.

    Kenny and Joe’s conversation died away slowly.  They ended up sitting without speaking.  Joe mulled what she had said over in his head, and Kenny allowed herself a brief daydream of a life with Joe.  Both were lost in thought.

    Days passed as Joe gained his strength, and Ben waited out his son.  Ben would gently approach Joe, and his son would verbally scamper away.  The nights were hard for Joe, and Ben slept next to him without Joe having to ask.  Joe cried out often in the night, and Ben heard more and more of what Joe was dreaming.  He wondered what it meant.

    Joe was beginning to feel better physically.  He was eating more regular, and his color was coming back as he sat outside.  Emotionally, he vacillated between being numb and being down.  He remained quiet and spent most of his day in his head.  He found himself from time to time fighting off craving a drink or the morphine.  The times were the worst when he was down.  He would quickly begin to desire a drink or the numbness of the drug.  During these times he held on tight and waited for it to pass.

    Joe was standing leaning against a tree, thinking of the time he had taught Rebecca to skip rocks over the water.  He had been taught by Adam and would spend times sitting and skipping rocks as he and his friends talked.  Rebecca, always wanting to do just as the boys did, asked Joe to teach her.  He showed her numerous times, but Rebecca had difficulty getting the hang of it.  Joe started to tease her, saying the reason she could not do it was because she was a girl.  Rebecca responded to this by giving him a big shove which sent him into the water.  That started the free for all.  Joe stood in the water and pulled Rebecca in.  She grabbed hold of another boy who was pulled in with her.  Eventually, all of them were soaked and having the time of their lives.

    As Joe remembered, he smiled.  He loved those times when they were young and life was not so painful.  If he had his way, he would remain forever in the memories.

    Ben approached and saw Joe with a smile on his face.  He could tell his son was somewhere else in his head.  He said,  “Looks like you’re thinking of something pleasant.”

    Joe was brought back to the present by his father’s voice.  “Uh, yeah.”  He answered, as he rolled his body off of the tree and started to walk away.

    “Joe wait.  Don’t walk away.  Come sit for a few minutes.  Tell me how you’re feeling.”

    Joe stopped and turned around.  He looked at his father and said.  “I feel better.  I think my leg is gettin’ stronger.  It doesn’t hurt as bad.”

    “Good.  I’m glad to hear that.  I think getting you eating regularly and getting you some sleep is helping don’t you?”

    “Yeah.”  Joe said without enthusiasm.

    “You up to talking?”

    “About?”

    “Well, I was hoping we could talk about how you’re coping with things.  I know the nightmares are bad, and you seem very down.  Anything I can do?”

    “Nope.  Nuthin’.”  Joe answered, but thought,  “Yeah, get me a drink.”

    Ben was frustrated.  He tried to hold his temper, but it was getting difficult.  He knew to go slow, but Joe was so distant.  It was all he could do not to raise his voice.  “You’ve been talking about your mother a lot in your sleep.  What do you think it means?”

    “I dunno.  Probably nothin’.”

    “Son, why do you insist on being so closed to me?”  Ben challenged.  He decided to push a little.

    “I’m not doin’ it on purpose.  I just don’t know why.”

    “Well try and talk to me, and maybe we can find out what the problem is.”

    Joe eyed his father with suspicion.  “Fine!  What should we talk about, Pa?”  Joe asked in a sarcastic tone.

    “I’m not the enemy.  I’m trying to help you.”

    “So, what do you want to talk about?”  Joe continued to answer in the same tone.

    “How ‘bout telling me what you were thinking about when I walked up?”  Ben was grasping at anything to get through to his son.

    “I was thinkin’ about her, Pa.  What else do you think I think about all the time; every hour of every day?!”  Joe’s anger was increasing.

    “Son, why can’t you say her name?  Why do you never say Rebecca’s name out loud?”

    Joe glared at his father.  “I say her name.  I say it all the time.”

    “No you don’t son.  You haven’t said her name since I told you she was dead.  What is it about her name Joe?”

    “Leave me alone!”  Joe responded.

    “No son, I won’t.  What is it about her name?”

    “There is nothing about her name!  Drop it, Pa!”

    “Say her name, Joe.  Say it.”

    “No!  You don’t understand!  Leave me alone!”

    “I do understand, son.  Believe me, no one understands more than me.  Tell me.  Say her name.”

    “Pa, I’m warning you!  Stop it!”  Joe was looking around for an escape.

    “I’m here to help you Joe.  I’ve always been here, and I always will be.  Now say her name.”

    “This is stupid, Pa!  No!  You can’t make me!  There is nothing about her name.  There is nothing, and you need to just get away from me!”  Joe was beginning to see red and was ready to leave quickly.

    “Rebecca won’t leave your memories if you talk about her son.”

    “I’m not doin’ this!  I’m not talking to you about this!  You don’t understand!  You won’t understand!”  Joe tried to move past his father, but Ben grabbed hold of him.  Joe was facing away, and his father’s arms were around him.  This immediately enraged Joe.  He tried to pull away, but Ben held firm.

    “Let… me… go!”  Joe growled.

    “No.  Talk to me.”  Ben struggled with Joe.

    “I can’t talk to you!  I can’t!”

    “Yes you can, Joseph.  Talk to me!”

    Joe was losing control.  He began flailing and trying desperately to get away from his father.  “I CAN”T!”

    “I’ll help you Joe.  I’ve always been there son.”

    With those words, Joe went over the top of his rage and the defenses that held back the wall of pain fell.  “BULLSHIT!  YOU HAVEN’T ALWAYS BEEN THERE!  YOU HAVEN’T!  YOU LEFT ME!  WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST YOU LEFT ME!  YOU LEFT ME!  I HATE YOU!”

    Ben had no idea what Joe was talking about, but he felt his son’s fury.  “Son, what are you talking about?”

    Joe’s rage drove him on.  “YOU LEFT ME!  I NEEDED YOU PA!  I NEEDED YOU!  SHE LEFT, AND YOU LEFT TOO!”

    With those words Joe jerked hard against his father and was able to break away.  He had not expected to break free, and it threw him off balance.   He pitched forward and almost fell.  Ben was able to re-grasp Joe and spun him around so they were face to face.  He held Joe by the arms and looked him in the eye.  “Son, what are you talking about!”

    Joe held an enraged look on his father.  He wanted to fight and scream.  “LET ME GO!  YOU’RE NOT GONNA DO THIS TO ME!”

    “Joe when did I leave you?  When?  Tell me!”

    “SHE LEFT, AND YOU LEFT!  I DIDN’T HAVE EITHER OF YOU, AND I NEEDED YOU!  I NEEDED YOU, PA!”

    “Joseph, tell me what you are talking about!”

    Joe’s rage made him shake, and all of a sudden, his eyes welled with tears, and he said through gasps,  “Mama.”

    It took a minute to register, before Ben understood.  Joe was talking about his mother’s death.  “Oh son!”  Ben grabbed Joe tight.  At first Joe was tense, and then Ben felt the shudders.  The drought was over, as Joe began to weep.

    The tears poured from Joe, as he wept for his mother, his father and his Rebecca.  He felt the losses, each of them.  He could hardly breathe as he buried his head in his father’s shoulder.  He had so many tears to shed.  As Ben tried to move them to a more comfortable position, Joe called out, “Pa don’t let me go!  Don’t go!”

    “I’m here, son.  I’m here.”  Ben slowly sat himself in the grass, as Joe clung to him.  Ben began to rock his son, as he had done those weeks before.

    Joe held tight as he cried.  “Papa, I need you!”  Joe cried in desperation.  “Papa, don’t go this time.  Please don’t go!”

    Ben felt guilt as he heard his son beg.  He knew why his son was begging.  When Marie had died, Ben had experienced a grief so devastating, that he was unable to function.  He had abandoned his boys for the desperation of grief.  He realized he had abandoned a five year old boy to the grief and pain of the loss of his mother.  He realized his boy had never made it past that grief.

    “Joe, I’m not going anywhere, boy.  I’m here, and you’re gonna be okay.”

    “Papa, please don’t leave me.  Please Papa.”  Joe sobbed as he begged his father, but it was not the need of a seventeen year old, it was much younger.  Joe was five in his grief.

    “I’m right here son, right here.”

    “Oh, Papa.”  Joe said, and was reduced to sobs.  The tears that came from Joe had been trapped for so long, and they flowed in a never ending stream.  Joe clung to his father.  “Papa, don’t let me go.  Please, just hold on to me.”

    Ben had no idea his son had been so affected.  This was new to him, and Joe had hidden his hurt well.  He realized he had foolishly listened to women who said they knew what Joe had needed as a small child having lost his mother.  They had tried to mother Joe through it.  Ben saw they were wrong.  Joe had needed his father, and Ben admitted to himself he had not been there.  His children, all three, had negotiated Marie’s death in their own way.  He could only imagine the damage to his two oldest boys.  It filled his heart with grief and pain.  And then he felt the pain of his youngest, the child from that beloved union, grasping tight to him and begging to not be left.  Ben had almost convinced himself that Joe did not remember his mother, as it had been with Hoss and Adam, but it was obvious Joe did remember, and Joe remembered his father’s reaction to his mother’s death.

    The tears continued to fall until Joe was exhausted.  He did not want to lessen his grip on his father, because he believed he had to have him there for survival.  Ben felt Joe’s fatigue.  But any movement Ben made resulted in resounding protests from his son.  “Papa, no.  You can’t leave me.  You can’t go away NO! PAPA!”  Joe was immediately hysterical again.  He clung to his father.

    “No Joseph!  No son!  I’m here.  Hush now.  I’m here.”

    “Papa you left!  I need you now!  Don’t go Papa!  I need you!”

    Ben held tight and held his son.  He looked heavenward and talked to Marie in his head.  “Marie, I’m so sorry I’ve done this to him.  You were so good at taking care of Joe, and I let him down so terribly.  How do I fix this Marie?  How do I help him?”

    Father and son stayed together, locked in a heart-breaking tableau in the grass as the sun began to set.  Joe’s weeping slowly tapered off, and he quieted.  He felt the energy drain from him as he cried.  There was so much anger that was present while he yelled at his father, and he felt it lessen as his mood changed to despair.  The things he had said to his father shocked him.  As the words came from him, it felt as if someone else was saying them.  It was as if he was a bystander, and someone was telling secrets about him he did not even know he had.

    As Ben sat holding Joe, he thought of his son’s revelation and, he realized Rebecca’s death had caused a deep pain to reemerge in his son.  Joe had lost Rebecca suddenly, just as they had lost Marie.  Joe had lost two women he had loved with all of his heart.  One at age five, and the other twelve years later.  He had been unable to say good bye to either, before they were taken from him.  It left Joe with an emptiness that had not been appropriately cared for.

    Ben allowed himself to think of how much Joe had loved his mother.  The little boy would light up every time he saw her.  Marie had been very attentive and would spend hours with the boys reading to them, talking to them, and was even known to play hide and seek or soldiers with the boys.  Joseph’s naturally active nature resulted in an exhausted, though thoroughly thrilled, Marie.  Ben received daily reports on how his youngest spent his waking hours and would often stand back and watch mother and son play together and listening to his little boy giggle.  Those were some of Ben’s favorite memories, watching his boys with Marie.

    Although Ben was required to work long arduous hours establishing his paradise, he always had time for his family.  He made certain there were family meals every night, and that the five Cartwrights spent as much time as a family as possible.  The family would take rides together over their land, marveling that it belonged to them, and it was theirs to tend.  During these rides, a small Joseph would insist on riding with his father and would chatter incessantly.  When he was just learning to talk, Little Joe would ride along with his father attempting to name the things he saw as they traveled.  The family had found it quite humorous that one of the first words Joe had learned was the word, “cow”.  He then went about labeling anything he saw as a cow.  Ben commented to Marie at the time that if Joe was right, they could call themselves cattle barons.  Little did Ben Cartwright know he would indeed one day have that title.

    Finally Ben decided to speak.  “Joseph, son, you okay?”

    Joe pulled himself up from his father and looked at him.  Joe’s eyes were swollen, he looked very tired, and he felt afraid.  “I don’t know, Pa.  I don’t know where it came from.  I didn’t mean it.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it at all, Pa.”

    “Son, you have nothing to be sorry about.  It’s okay.  We’ll make it through it together.  I promise.  This time Joe, I’ll be here.  I promise you that.”     Joe started to cry again, and Ben hugged him.  “I love you so much Joseph, and I am the one who is so sorry.  I’m so very sorry.”

    Ben rubbed his son’s back and felt Joe quiet again.  He pulled Joe back, so he was looking in his son’s eyes.  “Hey, you look exhausted, and Kenny is gonna wonder what happened to us.  Let’s go get something to eat and let you get some sleep.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so worn out.”

    Joe did not want to move from the place where he sat.  He had a strong fear that letting go of his father would some how leave him all alone.  He hesitated when his father motioned for them to stand, and Ben could feel his reluctance.  Joe immediately felt foolish.  He did not understand why he felt so young and scared.  It was as if it was difficult for him to remain seventeen and this made him feel vulnerable.  He was confused and lost.

    Joe allowed his father to help him to his feet, and the two walked to the cabin.  As they entered, Kenny saw from the expression on Ben’s face and the state Joe was in, that something had happened between the two.  Joe walked over to his bed and sat down.  He put his head in his hands and tried to keep from crying.  He thought it was almost funny.  For several months he could not cry if his life depended on it, and now he was fighting to hold back the tears.

    Kenny had made a stew and the three ate in quietness.  Ben continued to glance over at Joe who sat on his bed and pushed the food around his plate.  Ben felt such grief over Joe’s suffering.  He had been able to fight off land grabs and robbers.  He had vowed vengeance on anyone who would hurt one of his boys.  He had shot Shelby without a second thought when Joe’s life was threatened, but he realized he had harmed his child.  He had done what he would have killed another for doing.  He had harmed one of his children in a deep and profound way.

    Joe fought his fatigue until he had to give in.  It was still rather early and he was anxious that his father would not be next to him as he slept.  He had found great comfort in his father’s presence during the night, but for some strange reason he worried his father would no longer be there.  He looked at his father who was looking at him.

    Ben seemed to read Joe’s expression and moved over to his son.  “Hey, you look worried.  What’s on your mind?”

    “Uh, nuthin’.”  Joe tried to deny his feelings.

    “Well, looks to me like there is something troubling you.  Please tell me Joseph.”

    “It’s just…”  Joe looked for the words as he felt so young.  “It’s just… uh, Pa… are you gonna, uh… um, you gonna sleep here?”

    “Right here, son.  You go on to sleep.  I’m here.  If you need me you wake me, okay?”  Ben comforted his son as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

    “’Kay, Pa.”  Joe said quietly as he laid down and closed his eyes.  He was fast asleep within minutes.  Ben sat at the edge of the bed and watched his child fall off to sleep.  He smiled as he watched how quickly sleep overtook Joe.  He moved Joe’s hair off his forehead and said quietly,  “Sleep well my son.  I love you.”

    Kenny saw Ben’s devotion to his son.  She was deeply touched by the scene she saw.  She saw a child deeply hurting, and a father trying to take away the pain.  She knew the Cartwrights were special.   She watched as Joe’s father sat next to him on the bed and watched his child sleep.  She also saw a tear fall from the father’s eyes.  She thought to herself that she wished she could take away the hurt that these good people were suffering.  She decided she would try.  She would try and help Joe’s father.  “Mr. Cartwright, you okay?”

    Ben looked away from his sleeping child to the woman who had helped them so much.  He stood and moved over to where she was and kept his voice low.  He wanted Joe to sleep.  “Mmm yeah.  I’m okay.  It’s not me, it’s him.  I’m so worried about Joseph… but, uh this is not something to burden you with.”  Ben said, cutting the conversation short.

    “Mr. Cartwright, you’re not burdening me.  Please can I help?”

    Ben needed someone to talk to.  Usually it was Adam who he confided in, but Adam was not there.  He needed to talk.  “Well Kenny, I don’t know.  I’m not used to confiding family problem in strangers, but considering what all we have been through, maybe you’re not such a stranger.  It’s Joseph… I’m so worried.  He’s so full of grief and I’m afraid I’m responsible for some of it.”

    Kenny encouraged Ben to keep talking.  “How so?”

    “You see my wife,  Joe’s mother, died in an accident when Joseph was five years old.  Marie, that was her name, was my third wife, and the third wife I had lost to death.  When I, well when we lost Marie, I was so overwhelmed with the grief, that I realize now I did not help my sons with theirs.  My boys had to do it themselves, and I’m afraid they have been harmed because of it.  I thought, or maybe I hoped, Joseph was too young to remember, but today he told me I had left him when his mother died.  I had no idea he felt the way he did.

    “You see, my Joseph has always been very, uh… how do I say it right?  He’s always been an emotional child, but he has been very hesitant to share what is going on with him.  He tends to get angry, and that is when I know something’s bothering him.  Also the nightmares.  He has those, and I know to watch him, and I can sometimes figure out what’s wrong.  But what he told me today has apparently been there for twelve years, and I had no idea he had been so hurt by my reaction to his mother’s death.  I’ve got to find a way to help him, and frankly I have no idea how to do it.  He was devastated when Rebecca died, and I didn’t even think her death could remind him of his mother.  I was so blind.”  Ben hung his head, feeling the guilt.

    “Mr. Cartwright, I think you may be bein' too hard on yourself.  Like you said, Joe doesn’t talk about this stuff, and you had no way of knowin’ unless he told you.”  Kenny was trying to comfort a man she saw in pain.

    “But he’s my son.  My boy.  I owed it to him, and I owed it to his mother to help him.  Kenny, his mother was wonderful with him.  She could get Joseph to do anything and could cut off a tantrum just like that.  I haven’t done so well.  Joseph and I are very different, and I’m a lot older raising him, than I was raising my oldest.  I have to remind myself that he is so young sometimes.  I just think of my son suffering as a child, and I was not there.  I can’t let that go.”

    “Mr. Cartwright,  I’ve gotten to know you and to know your son, and I think you did a very good job of raising him.  This is a situation so out of the ordinary it doesn’t mean you were a bad father.”

    “I arrived in this God forsaken city to find my son drinking, gambling and using that vile drug, and I know the reason he ran was because of this pain in him.  I contributed to that pain.  I made some of it for him.  He had to escape into a bottle to handle his problem, because he thought I would not help him, or that I would leave him.  I’ve been there for him ever since I returned from my own pain of my loss of his mother, but obviously the time I was not available to him is what he holds on to.  His brothers were there for him I know that.  His oldest brother is quite a bit older than he is and was attentive to Joe during that time, but I think it wasn’t enough.  The brother closest to him in age is very close to him, but Hoss was only twelve himself at the time.  I had believed it had been enough.  But now, as a matter of fact, I know it wasn’t enough from what Joe said today.”

    “I think all you can do is keep talking to him, Mr. Cartwright.  I think if you talk to him the way you are to me it will help him.  I think Joe needs you very much and you can make him realize that.”

    “Well Kenny, it’s late, and I thank you for listening, but I think we should turn in.”  With that Ben moved over to sleep next to his son.  Joe had been quiet and Ben prayed his son would rest peacefully.  His prayer would not be answered as he had hoped.

    Through the night, Joe’s dreams moved across different events, all of which did not cause him distress until the nightmare hit.  He became lost in the terror of yet another dream.

    Joe was in a field and his father was next to him.  As his father approached him he moved away.  He did not want his father to come near him.  He felt it was important not to let him touch him.  His father was reaching for him, and it made him afraid.  He looked over to his right, and he saw his mother and Rebecca standing together.  As he saw the two women, he watched his father move between him and them.  This frustrated Joe, and he tried to move so he could see them again.  Every move Joe made, his father countered, and he was angered.  He heard Rebecca call him, and she sounded in distress.  He told his father to move, but he simply stood his ground.  His mother cried out for him, and his anger rose.  He had to get rid of his father.  He had to move him.  Joe ran towards his father and shoved him.  His father fell backwards.  Suddenly there appeared a cliff behind his father, and Ben fell down the cliff, landing at the bottom, dead.  Joe screamed,  “NO!  No Pa I didn’t mean it!  I didn’t mean it!”

    Ben woke to his son’s screams.  He was about to wake Joe, when Joe sat up and screamed.  “No!  No!  Pa, don’t die!”

    Ben could see his son was still asleep.  He reached out and shook Joe awake.  Joe opened his eyes and felt great relief to see his father before him.  He grabbed his father and hugged him.  “You’re not dead!”  he said to comfort himself.

    “No son, I’m here, just another dream.  Tell me about it.”

    As Joe told of his dream he stopped when he reached the part of the anger he felt towards his father.  The anger led to him feeling guilt, and it made him want to stop talking.

    Ben could tell Joe was holding back from him and wanted to make it okay for Joe to talk.  He had to help his son get it all out regardless of how painful it would be for himself.  He said to Joe,  “Son, tell me.  There’s nothing you can say that will make me leave.”

    “No it’s nothing, Pa.  I’m okay now.  Just tired.  I’ll just go back to sleep, ‘kay?”  With that Joe held firmly to his father’s arm, but laid down and closed his eyes.  He could not tell his father how he had felt.  He believed it would risk too much.  He closed his eyes and waited for sleep.  Eventually he succumbed.

    Ben felt his child’s grip on him and his heart broke.  It was now so obvious the fear inside of Joe, and he felt terrible he had never seen it so clearly before.  Ben had knew his son had many fears, concerns, and worries he did not share, but he felt he should have known this one.  Ben stayed up the remainder of the night, and if his son stirred in the slightest, he was there to comfort and protect.  He made sure his son felt safe.

    Morning came with its usual regularity, and Kenny and Ben shared their customary breakfast.  They had grown used to spending the time together, and the majority of the conversation remained focused on the one they both loved, Joe.  Ben knew he had to get Joe to talk to him.  He dreaded what his son had to say, but he knew it had to be said.  He had to get Joe to open up.

    Joe woke in the late morning.  He felt very dark, and the thought of getting out of bed seemed overwhelming.  He wanted to sleep.  He felt as he had before he had found the alcohol to help him.  Sleep seemed the only way to escape.  He tried to return after waking and was not successful.  He cursed his luck and laid in bed.  It seemed it took too much energy to get out of bed.  He saw his father enter the room and felt trapped.  He knew he could not run, and he believed he could not speak.

    Ben entered the room and saw Joe awake.  “Hey son.  Glad to see you awake.  You hungry?”

    Joe took a minute to allow himself to talk.  Then he said,  “No Pa, I’m not.  I just wanna lie here a while.”

    Ben looked at Joe and saw the depression in his son.  He knew he would have to reach out.  “Okay, Joe.  That’s fine.  You’ve been eating more lately, so I won’t complain.  Can we talk about last night?”

    “What about last night?”  Joe asked, hoping his father was not referring to the dream he had.

    “Son, you didn’t tell me all of the dream did you?”

    “Pa, all of this has nothing to do with anything.  Really, it doesn’t.  I was just really kinda of tired yesterday and said things I shouldn’t have.  I didn’t mean any of it.”  Joe said trying to undo what he had said to his father.

    “Joe it’s okay.  I’m not mad.  Not with any of it.  I want you to tell me what you remember about your mother’s death.”

    His father’s request sent terror into him  There was no way he felt he could tell his father what he remembered.  He could not tell, and he told himself he would not tell.  He wanted to be left alone.  “Pa, I was out of it yesterday, and I said things I didn’t mean.  I’m sorry.  I was wrong.  I think I should just sleep.”

    “No Joe, you’re not doing this.  No more running son.”

    “I’m not Pa, just tired.”

    “No son, you don’t want to talk to me, and I know you need to.  Tell me!”

    Joe looked at his father and felt more trapped.  “Pa, I can’t!”

    “Yes you can.  You have to get it out son.  Tell me.”

    “No Pa.  This does nothing!  You’re gonna… you’re gonna… you’re gonna…”
  Joe started to panic.

    “I’m gonna what Joe?  Leave you?  Be angry with you?  No son.  I won’t do either.  Tell me.”

    “No Pa, it’s not real.  I don’t really remember.  I’m wrong, and I remember it all wrong!”  Joe said, trying to get out of the corner he felt he was in.

    “Tell me what you remember, and I can help determine if it is real.”

    Ben’s pressure was wearing down his son.  Joe was agitated and was becoming more so as his father pushed.  “Pa, I can’t!”

    “Yes you can, Joseph.  Tell me.”

    “But… but… Papa, I can’t”

    “You can Joe, tell me.”

    Joe began to cry as he recalled for his father a memory from the death of his mother…

    A five year old Joe heard the whispers and talk of the adults.  He did not understand any of it.  There was a woman crying and hugging him, but he did not like it.  He looked for his Mama, and she was not there.  He then decided to look for his Papa, and again, he was not there.  He felt mad.  He knew his Mama was there, and he had to find her.  The woman grabbed him again and was crying, and it scared him.  She was hurting him with her grasp.  He thought to himself he would tell Mama, and she would make the woman stop.  He saw Hoss across the room, broke away from the woman, and ran to his beloved brother.  He said,  “Hoss, Hoss, where’s Mama?  I don’t like this.  That lady squeezed me and made me hurt.  Go get Mama, Hoss, and she’ll make the lady say she’s sorry.  Mama always makes me say I’m sorry when I’m bad.”

    A small Joe saw his brother start to cry.  “Oh Hoss, I’m okay.  She just pinched me.  Don’t cry, Hoss.  Go get Mama, and she’ll give us a cookie.  That’ll fix it, Hoss.  We’ll eat cookies, and Mama will send that lady away.”

    Hoss hugged his little brother, knowing Little Joe did not understand what he, Adam, and the lady had told Joe earlier.  They had told him his mother was dead.  Joe had looked at them with innocent eyes and said,  “’kay” but it was obvious he had no idea what they had meant, because he was expecting his mother to save him.  Hoss felt so sad.  He loved Marie as his own mother, and he loved his little brother.  He knew Little Joe was going to have a bad time, and he was afraid he was also.  Hoss too wondered where their father was.

    Joe continued to ask where his Mama was, so Hoss took him to Adam.  Little Joe told Adam what had happened, and Adam asked to look at Joe’s offended arm.  Although there was nothing to show where the child had been supposedly injured, Adam made a big deal of it and made sure Joe received the appropriate sympathy.  This seemed to somewhat calm the child, and Joe stopped asking for his mother for a while.

    At Joe’s bedtime that evening, the lady insisted on putting him to bed.  Adam had told her several times that he would put Joe to bed, but she would have nothing of it.  She took Joe to his room and helped the little boy get ready for bed.  Joe tended to draw out his bedtime ritual as a way of staying up later.  He would wander the room saying good night to everything he saw and insisting there was more he needed to do before bed.  How Marie handled this was to tell her son he could say goodnight to three things in his room, say his prayers, hop into bed, and if all went smooth, he could pick out a book for her to read from.  Joe so loved to be read to that this was usually all it took to get him to cooperate.  Once in bed and listening to a story, usually Little Joe was fast asleep in minutes.

    The lady took him to his room, and the battle began.  Joe insisted that he did not want to wear the nightshirt she picked out, and then was irate that she made him get right into bed without him saying good night to his toys.  He finally got into bed, and the lady tucked him in.  He waited for his story, but the lady simply kissed him on the forehead and said good night.  With that, she turned and left the room.  Little Joe lay in bed, but he was angry.  He knew he had to find Mama and get his story from her.  Hoss and Adam both in turn came in and said good night to him.  He saw both looked very sad, and when they had hugged him, they both had started to cry.  Joe was getting worried as to what it all meant.

    Little Joe knew he was not supposed to get out of bed once he was put there and had experienced more than one spanking because of his failure to obey.  He hesitated to get out of bed, but his need to find his mother took over, and he was out of bed and down the hall shortly.  He looked down the stairs and there was no one around.  He quietly climbed down the stairs holding the hand rail and taking the steps one at a time.  He looked around the room briefly, and then walked to the room he had seen people coming out of earlier that day.

    Joe turned the handle and quietly opened the door.  There was a lamp burning softly, and he saw someone on the bed.  He ran to the side of  the bed smiling.  “There you are Mama!  I’ve been looking for you!”

    He saw her eyes were closed and thought she was sleeping.  He felt he had to wake her, because she had to read to him.  He had missed her all day and wanted the attention.  He took her hand and felt it was cold.  It confused him.  “Mama?  Wake up, Mama.  Mama, you wake up now and read to me.”  The little boy tried to wake his mother and became more and more desperate as his efforts failed.  He started to cry.  “Mama. please wake up.  Please!  You gotta wake up!  Mama!  I want you to wake up!”

    Hop Sing had heard Little Joe’s voice from his own room and had ventured out to find where the little boy was and what he was doing.  He saw the door where Mrs. Cartwright’s body lay was open, and he immediately knew the boy was in there.  He rushed in to see a heart breaking sight.  Joe was beginning to crawl up into bed to lay with his mother.  The little boy had tears streaming down his face and was begging his mother to wake up.  Hop Sing ran to the boy, picked him up and rushed him out of the room.  Joe looked over Hop Sing’s shoulder and reach back for his mother.  He called out,  “Mama, Mama please get up!  Please!”

    Hop Sing took Joe into the kitchen, all the while holding him tight.  He hugged Joe as the boy cried and talked softly to him in Cantonese.  Joe held tight to his friend, and man and boy wept for the death of a woman they both loved.  That night, Hop Sing gave Joe a cookie as his mother did so many times to comfort little boy tears, and then placed Joe in bed with himself and hugged the child until he slept.

    Ben listened without speaking as Joe told his memory in a soft voice, which at times faded due to his crying.  Joe did not look at his father as he spoke, rather he stared of into space, and it appeared to his father as if he was reliving the memory as he recounted it.  Ben was openly crying and wanted to take it all away from his son, but he knew he had to let Joe speak without interruption.

    When Joe finally stopped talking, Joe stood and walked over to the window and looked out.  He wanted to get the picture of his mother lying in the bed out of his mind.  Ben joined him and placed his hand on Joe’s shoulder.  Joe tried to wipe away the tears he had rolling down his face, but new ones simply replaced them.  He felt as if the tears would never stop, nor the pain ever leave.

    Ben eventually spoke to his son.  “Joseph, I had no idea you had seen your mother like that.  I’m so sorry you did, and I’m so sorry it was not me who had helped you with it.  You’re right, I wasn’t there, and I don’t blame you for being angry.”

    Joe listened to his father and was conflicted about how he felt.  A part of Joe was furious at his father for having abandoned him, and another part wanted to grab hold of his father and never let go.  He said very quietly,  “Pa, you mind if I have some time alone?  I need to think for a while.  I wanna go outside and be by myself.”

    Ben looked at his son, the hesitation obvious.  Joe saw it and added,  “I promise I’m not gonna take off, and I won’t do anything to myself.  I just need to be alone.  Please?”

    “Okay, Joe.  If you need me though, you come get me right away, and you don’t go far.  Will you be where I can see you?”

    Joe was in no mood to argue.  He knew his father was worried, so he agreed.  He made his way out to the field and moved to where he could see the stream and the woods behind.  He sat for many hours staring into the woods and crying.  He talked to his mother in his head, as he rethought what he had shared with his father.  “Mama, what should I do?  I’m so confused.  I feel so many things inside and have no idea what to do with all of it.  I wish you were able to tell me.  I wish Rebecca was here.  She helped me so much when we were at your grave.  I told her all of this Mama.  I told her, and I felt better.  I don’t really feel that way now.  I feel too many bad things now.  Pa is gonna want me to talk more to him, and I don’t know if I should.  I feel so bad that I don’t trust him, and I’m mad at him.  I’m so mad at him.  He misses you too, and I think I’m making that worse.  What should I do?  I wish I knew.”

    Ben watched his son.  Joe’s back was to him, but it was evident at times Joe was crying.  His shoulders would move, and he would ever so often wipe his eyes.  Ben too talked to Marie.  “Marie, darling, do I just let him cry?  Do I go to him?  What do I do?  I so wish we never lost you.  He needs a mother.  He needed you to help him so many times.  I need you right now.  I miss you so much, my love.  So very, very much.”

    Dinner came, and the three sat down to eat.  Kenny made sure they had a hot meal and tended to do whatever needed to be done to care for Joe and Ben.  She found herself enjoying being domestic and began to think of the three as a little family.  She knew it was only a fantasy, but she decided to enjoy it while she could.  When Joe had returned to the cabin he was quiet and tired.  He had not been able to decide what, if anything, he would share with his father regarding how he felt, or the memories he held.

    The three sat quietly as they ate.  Kenny and Ben made small talk, and Joe kept in his head.  He was feeling the loss so profoundly at that time that it only took Ben asking Joe how he was doing for him to begin crying at the table and quickly got up and walked outside.

    Ben went to stand, and Kenny interrupted.  “Mr. Cartwright, would you mind if I talked to him?”

    Ben sat back down and said, “No Kenny, go right ahead.  Just let me know if you need me.”

    “I will.”  She said as she moved outside.

    Joe was standing, leaning against the corner of the cabin, his back to her, when Kenny approached.  She spoke quietly to him as she touched his arm, “Hey there.  Just checking to see if you’re okay.”

    Joe quickly wiped away the tears and tried to compose himself.  Kenny stopped him.  “You don’t have to do that.  Look, we’re friends here, and I understand.  I really do.  I just thought you could use a shoulder to cry on, or maybe just someone to listen.  I can tell it is kinda strained with your Pa and you, so I thought I could help.”

    “I’m not sure what to do, Kenny.  I’m so confused.  It’s so hard for me to talk about all this.  I feel like it’s worse to talk about than to say nothing.  It just makes more people hurt, and to be honest makes me just wanna run away.”

    “You’re afraid of hurting your Pa?”

    “Yeah.  I’m realizing something I never thought I felt, and I have no idea what it is gonna do to him.  I don’t want to talk to him about this, cause I know he hurt real bad when my mother died.  It’s like I can’t tell him about any of it, ‘cause if I do, then I have to tell him all of it.  You see my Pa’s pretty persistent, and either I tell him nothing, or I tell him everything.  That’s how it’s always been with him and me.  I don’t know if I can tell him everything.”

    “What do think would happen if you did?”

    “That’s the problem.  I don’t know.  What if I start talkin’ to him, and stuff comes out, and I can’t stop it, and I mess it all up.”

    “Mess up what?”

    “Uh,… I don’t know really.  Just make things worse I guess.  Worse for Pa, maybe?”

    “How could you make it worse by talking to him?  Joe, he has been beggin’ you to talk to him.”

    “Uh,… I don’t know… I can’t think… What if… oh, I don’t know, Kenny.  I don’t even know why I started cryin’ in there.  Pa just asked me a question, and I go gettin’ all upset.  What if I’m losing it again?”

    “Are you afraid of that?”

    “I think it’s what I’m most afraid of.  I said stuff to my Pa I never even knew I had in me.  What if there’s more?  What if I can’t handle what’s in me?”

    “Well I don’t know, but I think it’s your only chance, Joe.  You remember the talk we had by the river?”

    “Uh, yeah”  Joe responded, and thought “sorta.”

    “Joe, you know I’m right about what you need to do.  What you really have to do.  You’ve gotta keep going, and you’ve gotta face it.  I can see how bad you’re hurtin’, but you sure are sellin’ everyone short, including yourself.”

    Joe began to fidget as Kenny talked.  “What do ya mean?”

    “I think Rebecca would be disappointed in you.”

    Kenny’s words slapped Joe hard.  Joe tried to speak and could not.  Kenny saw his face change, and the tears form as Joe turned away from her.  Kenny spoke,  “Joe, let me tell you why I said that.  I know she loved you very much.  I know you loved her.  She wanted to make you happy, Joe.  She didn’t want you to run away.  She didn’t want you drinking and using the morphine, and she did not want you to be without your family.  Love isn’t that way, Joe.  What did you want for her, Joe.  Did you want her to have a good life?”

    Joe kept his back to Kenny, but said,  “I want her to have the best life.  I want her to always be happy.”

    “Joe, I asked you something at the river you never answered.  Now you need to answer it.  If it were reversed, and you were dead, would you want her life to just fall apart like yours has?”

    “But Kenny, it’s different.”  Joe wanted to resist what Kenny had to say to him.

    “How?”

    “It just is.”

    “That’s too easy an answer.  Tell me how it’s different.”  Kenny quickly fired back.

    “I don’t know, it just is.”  Joe was starting to get angry.

    “No, it’s not.”

    “Kenny it is, and I really am not in the mood to argue.”

    “Is it because you think you’re responsible for the accident?”  Kenny continued to push on Joe.

    “I can tell Pa has thoroughly filled you in.”  Joe said, trying to change the focus of the conversation.

    “He just told me about you and Rebecca, and what you’ve been through.”

    “Well, he had no right to tell you.”

    “That’s not what we’re talking about.  Joe you know it’s no different.”

    “Kenny it is!  I killed her!  She’s dead, ‘cause I was not driving those horses!”  Joe screamed at her.

    “Oh, so you’re that certain you could’ve done things different, huh?  You’re that positive that you could a made it turn out different?  You  really think you are so powerful that you can make things not happen that maybe are supposed to?  Have you thought of that one, Joe?  Have you thought that maybe you wanna go back and play God?”

    Joe spun around to look at her and was instantly angry,  “Shut up, Kenny!”

    Ben heard Joe yell and was immediately out the door.  “What’s going on?”  Ben’s voice boomed, more out of fear of what could be going on with his son, than anger.

    Joe looked briefly at his father and then back at Kenny,  “It’s nothin’!”  he said, and made his way into the cabin.

    “Kenny, what’s goin’ on?”  Ben continued to ask.

    “It seems Joe doesn’t like the truth.  He’s mad, cause I said some things he really needs to hear, but didn’t care for too much.”

    “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get him so worked up.”  Ben said, the worried parent coming threw in his voice.

    “Mr. Cartwright,  I know it isn’t my place, but Joe needs to hear some things that it seems everyone is afraid to tell him.  I think maybe you all, because you love him so much, have not been willin’ to tell him some of the stuff he has to hear.  See, I come from a different background than you folks do.  Things were said, no matter how painful,  Now I think the best thing is somewhere in the middle, maybe.  Joe has to realize that he is not doing what Rebecca would want for him, or what you would want.  I just tried to tell him that.”

    Ben looked at the young woman and was going to respond, but he thought of Joe alone in the cabin and returned inside.  Joe stood in front of the fire violently poking at the logs.  He was thinking of what Kenny had said.  He asked himself,  “Is she really disappointed in me?”

    Ben approached Joe and put his hand on Joe’s shoulder.  Joe moved away.  He said, “Not now, Pa.”

    Ben felt powerless.  He watched Joe move over and look out a window into the darkness of the evening.  Kenny returned to the cabin as well and sat watching Joe.  She was not sure if she should apologize for what she had said.  She believed she had spoke the truth, but wondered if maybe it was not her place to say the things she had to Joe.  She decided to go to him and walked over to where Joe stood.  “Joe, um… I’m sorry I said what I did.  I know it hurt you.”

    Joe kept asking himself if he was a disappointment to Rebecca.  He had not thought of that, and it made him upset to think he could have hurt Rebecca with how he had behaved since her death.  He heard Kenny’s apology and turned to her.

    Kenny braced herself for Joe’s wrath, but instead she heard a very soft voice ask a question.  “Kenny, is she really disappointed in me?  Is she?”  Joe began to cry, and Kenny immediately grabbed him and hugged him close.

    Kenny and Joe remained in a hug as Kenny spoke, “Oh, Joe, if she is, it’s only because she loves you so and wants only good things for you.  Any woman who loved you would want you to be just as happy as you would want her to be.”

    “But, I…  but she…she was the reason… I don’t know if I can be really happy without her.  It’s the most I’ve ever felt.”

    “Joe, bein’ in love is the most happy you’ll ever feel, but you’ll be in love again.  Not for a long while, ‘cause it takes time, but you will, and you’ll feel it all again.”  Kenny said these words to comfort herself as well.  As she spoke to Joe she knew she could feel some of his pain because of her love for him.  She used it to comfort him.

    Ben watched and listened to what Kenny was telling his son.  Joe appeared to be listening to her, and it seemed to be helping.  He had wondered several times what had transpired between the saloon girl and Joseph.  It was evident that Joe was not romantically attracted to the woman, but after what he had come upon in Sacramento, he had questions.  He doubted he would ever know the extent of the relationship between the two.  He wondered if he really wanted to know.

    Joe released the hug with Kenny and felt awkward.  He had never felt so vulnerable and exposed, and it seemed like his exposure kept increasing.  It was a new and very uncomfortable feeling for him.  Joe liked to think he protected himself from anyone getting too close.  He knew it came across at times as if he were cocky or arrogant, but he preferred that to being hurt.  He knew though too, it was pretty easy for him to get caught up in something or someone if he really cared, and then he lost all ability to protect himself.  He had discovered this about himself in some of the friendships he had made, and it was a characteristic he desperately wished he had more control over.
 
 

    The evening ended quietly, and night fell upon the cabin.  Joe laid in bed continuing to think of what Kenny had said to him.  He wished he could talk with Rebecca to know what he should do.  Did Rebecca want him to join her as he had thought, or did she want him to stay alive and keep going?  He had believed he had known the answer weeks ago; he should die and join her, but he had been unable to end his life.  Again with Shelby, he had thought that death was the answer.  However, what Kenny had said to him also made sense.  For the first time since the accident, Joe questioned that he may have been wrong.  Maybe Rebecca did not want him dead and with her.  He would have to think more about it, he told himself as his eyes grew heavy and he slept.

    Joe was restless as usual in his sleep, and the question he had asked in his awake hours rumbled through his mind.  The images were distorted and much did not make sense, but he was with Rebecca, and his mind waited for the solution to the question he had posed to himself.  Although it would not be answered in dreams, the question showed itself in various forms throughout the night.

    Ben remained sleeping by his son’s side offering comfort; his mere presence resulted in his son sleeping more peacefully.  Ben had gotten to where it was almost automatic.  As soon as Joe began to stir, Ben would reach out and comfort him.  Joe did not fully wake in the night and received more rest than he had been blessed with during the past few days.

    On one of the more rare occasions, Joe woke before Kenny or his father.  He laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, and eventually he decided to get up.  He could see it was still very early.  He made his way out of bed and dressed without making noise.  He wanted to have some time by himself and was hoping he could get out of the cabin without waking the sleeping inhabitants.  He had years of experience sneaking out at home and used it to get out of the cabin without notice.  He breathed a sigh of relief when he was free and safely outdoors.

    Joe allowed himself to take in the morning air.  He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.  He used to love the solitude of nature and the enjoyment of the smells of the woods and realized he had forgotten the smells and sounds of the world around him.  He decided to take a walk down to the stream and clean up.  He limped to the stream, though the limp was much less than it had been.  His leg was getting stronger, he could feel it, and he tried to walk as steady as he could to the water.  He knew he was going to have to use his leg more to strengthen it, but he had not found himself very willing to move around.  He just had not felt it was worth expending the energy.

    Once at the stream, Joe took off his shirt and knelt at the water’s edge.  Using his hands, he took the water and poured it over his head.  He felt the refreshing water revitalize him.  He continued to douse himself with water and with each new waterfall he felt a little more renewed, a little more alive.  As he knelt down, he continued to keep Kenny’s words in his head, and he felt better able to tackle the question in the morning light.

    He talked to Rebecca in his head.  “Rebecca, you know I miss you, huh?  You know I would give anything to have you here.  I miss you so much.  I need to know something Rebecca.  Is Kenny right?  Are you wanting me to go on?  I’ll do anything you want, you know that.  Just help me know it’s okay.  I’m so afraid, Bec.  So afraid I’ll forget you.  So afraid I’ll not do what you want me to do.  Rebecca, you completed me.  You made me whole and without you, I’m just confused.  I would give anything if God would let me talk to you for just a minute.  How am I supposed to know?”

    Joe spent many minutes knelt at the stream asking for his Rebecca to speak to him, knowing she would not.  He eventually stood, threw his shirt over his shoulder and made his way to the cabin just in time to see his father bolting out the door pulling on his shirt as he exited.  As soon as Ben saw Joe, he yelled at him.  “Joseph!  I told you not to go anywhere without someone with you!”

    Joe saw the look of worry on his father’s face, but it angered him.  He knew from the look that his father did not trust him.  He wanted to scream at his father that he was the one that should not trust.  He was the one that should be angry.  He was the one who had been left, but he said,  “Good mornin’ to you too, Pa.”

    Ben was taken aback by his son’s sarcastic comment.  He was at a loss as to what to do with Joseph.  His son was hurt and angry.  He felt the gap between them growing, and it scared him.  He had almost lost Joe several times, and he was not about to let that happen.  He thought of the memory Joe had shared with him, and he felt guilty.  “How could he bridge the gap?” he asked himself.  Ben believed it was his job to do, because he knew Joe could not.  Joe’s pain was too great.

    “I’m sorry, son.  It scared me when you weren’t in the cabin.  I over-reacted.”

    His father’s willingness to admit his over-reaction brought guilt feelings in Joe.  He appeased his guilt by responding,  “Uh… I’m sorry, Pa.  I was just cleaning up some.  I didn’t mean to scare you.”

    Ben put his arm firmly on his son’s shoulder, relieved Joe was safe and his fears were groundless.  “I’m sorry too, son.  I yelled, and I didn’t need to.  You’re right here.”

    “Yeah Pa.  I’m right here.  Uh, I’ll go inside, I guess.”  Joe said, feeling awkward with his father.  This was something he had not experienced before, nor did he particularly care for the feeling.

    “Joe, wait.”  Ben tried to corral his fleeting son.

    “Uh… yeah?”  Joe asked, dreading what his father could ask of him.

    “I was hoping we could spend some time together.  I found some fishing supplies in the cabin, and I know how much you like to fish, so I thought maybe we could do that today.”

    Joe had to admit that fishing sounded like a good distraction.  He had grown so used to sleeping and being medicated through the days that he had stopped doing the things he had enjoyed.  Fishing was always high on his list of favorite pastimes.  He did not feel the enthusiasm he usually felt at the thought of grabbing a fishing pole, but he decided he would give it a try.  “Uh, okay, Pa.  Sounds, um good.”  When ya wanna go?”

    “Well, what’s wrong with right now?”  Ben asked, trying to sound upbeat, but worried that any minute he could set Joe off, and his son would turn him down.

    Joe looked at his father and saw how much his father wanted everything to be all right between the two of them.  He decided to ease up and give his father what he wanted.  “Okay Pa.  Let me grab a different shirt, and I’ll be right there.”

    Ben breathed a sigh of relief.  He so wanted the nightmare to be over and his son back with him.  The response he had just heard sounded like his son, and it gave him a glimmer of hope.  Joe was willing to spend time with him.  He wanted that time to be one of relaxation, but hopefully of some strengthening of the connection between father and son.  A remembrance of other special times together.

    The two made their way to the stream and stayed there not talking.  They had both fished together numerous times, and each tried to pretend it was one of those times they were enjoying.  Ben wanted to talk to Joe about what he had remembered and experienced regarding his mother’s death.  Joe wanted to distract himself and stay away from his father’s questions.  The two men were more distant than they had ever been.

    Finally Ben could wait no longer.  “Joe, you know we have more to talk about, so much more.”

    Joe had been waiting for his father’s words, so they had not surprised him.  A part of him knew when he agreed to go fishing this would happen, but that did not quell the panic he felt.  Again he would have to talk about deep seated memories and deep seated fears.  “What about?”  Joe tried to ask as nonchalant as possible.

    “Son, I want to know more.  I want you to tell me all you remember.”

    “Why, Pa?  Why?  So I have to go through it again?  I try not to remember it, at least not that part.”

    “I want to help you, Joseph.  I wasn’t there the first time, but I can be there now.  I think we need to be honest with each other.  We need to talk.”

    Joe was nervous.  What his father was asking of him, he was not sure he could do.  The memory he had shared with his father had been the most vivid, the most intact.  The rest of the memories he had surrounding that terrible event were flashes; pieces of memories that did not fit together.  He had heard the stories of his mother from his father and brothers, but the flashes he had in his mind had never been discussed.  He had told his family nothing of their content.  He asked, “What do you want from me?”

    “Do you remember anything more?  Have you had other memories you have kept to yourself?”

    Joe put the fishing pole down and looked at his father.  The look told Ben there was indeed more that Joe remembered.  Ben saw a look of fear on Joe’s face and tried to help.  “Joe, we’ll get through it.  I’ll help you with it.  Anything you need, I’ll do.  I’ve told you that before.  We have to get this cleared between us.”

    “Pa, what does this have to do with Rebecca?  What does it have to do with me now?  Nothing.  That is what it has to do with.  You’re wanting me to talk about something that means nothing anymore.  It’s over and nothing changes it one bit.  I lost her… uh, Rebecca.  That’s why I left home.  That’s why I did everything I did, and that’s why I don’t want to go home.  That is it.  The end.”

    “No, there is so much more, and you know it.  I think the reason you reacted the way you did, the reason you keep so much to yourself, was because of what you said earlier.  I left you when you needed me all those years ago.  You didn’t trust me to help you with Rebecca.  You tried to do it all yourself.  Joe, I hope you know you can’t do it all yourself.  You can’t hold on that tight to your hurt without it hurting you.”

    “Pa, I don’t remember much really.  It’s not clear.  It’s only parts and some don’t make sense.”

    “Tell me the parts, Joe.”

    Joe thought of what Kenny had said again before deciding to answer.  He asked himself, “What would Rebecca want me to do?”  He then thought of the time he had been at his mother’s grave with Rebecca.  She had liked it that he had talked to her, so he reasoned maybe she would want him to talk to his father.  He decided he would try.  Joe turned away from his father, because he knew he could not look at him and talk about the memory he had.  He took a deep breath and began.  “I remember the… uh… the…I remember… oh geez.  I see her goin’ into the ground.  It’s uh… more feelin’ than anything.  I see it in my mind, and uh…I feel like I just am all alone, and I lost everything.  That’s all I remember if it.”

    “Joe, I never talked to you about your mother’s funeral, and I’m not sure why I didn’t.  Maybe it is because I don’t like to think of it either.  Sit down Joe, and let me tell you about it.”

    Joe was unsure he wanted to know the details.  He had always thought he had wanted to know, but now that the time had come, he was unsure.  He sat next to his father, pulled up his leg, wrapped his arms around it and braced himself for his father’s story.

    The mood in the ranch house had been somber since Marie’s accident and death.  Ben had taken to his bed out of grief.  Hop Sing had stepped in to help, and between him and Adam, arrangements were made to lay the final Mrs. Cartwright to rest.  Ben had told them his wishes were for Marie to be buried in her favorite place by the lake she loved so much.  Care of Hoss and Joe also fell to Adam and Hop Sing.  Hoss was tearful and comforted himself by tending to the animals he loved so much.  Little Joe remained clinging to Hop Sing and would not let the cook out of his sight.

    The day of the funeral arrived, and Ben emerged from his room dressed and ready to bury his wife.  He noticed the quietness of the house, a very rare event given the fact that three boys lived there.  He walked down the hall and saw Adam dressing Joe.  They were in the process of struggling to put on Joe’s boot.  Joe was making a face and pushing his foot hard against Adam’s leg.  Adam said quietly,  “Hey buddy, your feet are growin’.  Looks like you’re gonna need new boots soon.”

    “But Adam, Mama always gets me my boots.  Now I won’t get any.”  A despondent Joe said to his older brother.

    “Hey, I’ll make sure you get some, and we’ll even get ya some candy when we pick out your new ones.”  Adam felt sad and a despair had settled into him.  He was hurting deeply, but found it was easiest to cope by staying busy.

    Ben stepped in to Little Joe’s room, and Joe saw his father.  Joe immediately ran to his father.  “Papa, Papa, where have you been?  I’ve missed you!”

    Ben watched Joe run to him.  Hearing Joe’s worries over his boots, and then seeing his youngest run to him, made Ben well up with tears, and he felt overwhelmed.  He had not seen Joe since Marie’s accident and seeing the little boy then was more than he felt he could handle.  Ben stiffly hugged Joe, and said to Adam,  “Adam finish dressing him and come on downstairs.”
     “But Papa, I want you to do it.”  Joe resisted.
    “Joseph, do as I say and finish getting dressed.  Here Adam, take him.”  And with that Ben moved quickly from the room and cried.

    His father’s lack of attention confused Little Joe.  He was so happy to see his father, and he believed his father was not happy to see him.  He did not understand the grief and pain of his father and interpreted it through little boy eyes-his Papa did not want to be with him.

    Adam finished dressing a pouting Little Joe, and they moved downstairs.  Ben Hoss, and Hop Sing all stood waiting for them.  Joe walked over to Hoss, took his brother’s hand, and they all walked out to the waiting carriage.  Next to the carriage was a wagon, and in the wagon was the coffin of Marie.  The family loaded up for the long journey to the lake, and Marie’s final resting place.

    Sometime into the ride, Little Joe leaned over to Hoss, and in a loud whisper that everyone heard, he asked,  “Hoss, what’s in that box?”

    Before Hoss could answer, Adam stepped in.  “Here, come here, Joe.  Sit on my lap, okay.”

    Joe moved over and sat.  He asked again, “Adam, what’s in the box?”

    Ben was overhearing Joe’s question and knew he should say something to his son.  He started to speak, but Adam had already begun to answer Joe,  “See Joe, it’s Mama’s body in there, but she aint really in there.  Mama is in Heaven now.  It’s just her body little buddy, but she is still with us.”

    Joe tried to understand what was going on around him, but it made no sense to him.  He had not understood what Adam had said.  “Why had they put Mama in a box?  Little Joe knew he did not like his Mama in a box and was becoming afraid.  He looked at Hoss, and he saw his brother was crying.  He then looked to his father, and again he saw his father was crying.  Hop Sing was riding with the family, and as Joe looked at his friend he saw that he too was crying.  Little Joe knew what was happening was very bad, but he did not know why, and that made him feel very alone.

    The family arrived at the chosen spot, and everyone gathered around the graveside.  The circuit preacher had made it out to the graveside, there to perform a small service.  A few family friends were present as well.  Little Joe stood between Hoss and Adam holding each of their hands.  Adam had told Joe as he had helped him out of the carriage, that Joe could stay right between Hoss and himself, and he would be okay.  Joe then told Adam,  “Don’t worry, Adam.  I’ll be a big boy.  I’ll be good.”

    Joe’s words made Adam well with tears.  Adam knew Joe was trying very hard to understand everything, but it was something for which the little boy had no firm understanding.

    Little Joe tried hard to stand still and be very big.  He was doing well for most of the service, but he really wanted to be held by his father.  He knew he was getting too old for that, so he did not ask, but he wanted desperately for his father to hold him.  He looked at his father and saw the tears streaming down his face.  That scared him.  Joe had never seen his father cry and his father’s tear raised fear in his son.

    Joe remained holding his brothers’ hands until he watched as they started to lower the coffin into the ground.  Little Joe suddenly screamed,  “No!  Don’t do that!  Stop it!  Mama!”  He broke free of Hoss and Adam and ran to one of the men who was lowering the coffin.  Joe started beating on the man’s leg saying,  “Stop it!  Stop it!”

    Ben reached out and grabbed Joe, pulling the little boy up into his arms.  Joe began crying hysterically and flailing his arms and legs.  “No Papa!  No!  They’re gonna put Mama in a hole!  No Papa!  Make them stop it, Papa!  Mama!  Mama!”  Joe began pounding on his father’s chest.  “Papa!  Stop ‘em!  NO!”

    Ben felt his son’s small fists hitting him, and it broke his heart.  He was trying to control the hysterical child, but nothing comforted Joe.  Joe’s screaming was escalating and everyone at the graveside stood in horror as they watched a little boy grieve for his mother.  Ben had to walk away from the grave with Joe as he tried to get his son under control.  Hoss and Adam were right there with their father and felt helpless.  Joe was crying in gasps, and he was pounding on his father.

    “Shh, Joe.  Now, it’s okay.  Hush.”  Ben tried to calm his son, but Joe was beyond calming.  The child had reached a point where there was no comfort that could reach him.  Joe tried to get away from his father to go to his mother, but Ben held on tight.  Joe vacillated between crying out “Papa” and “Mama”.

    Ben motioned for the preacher to continue as he walked with his youngest and tried to calm him.  Ben felt he was living a nightmare.  There was no consoling Joseph, and as he looked at Hoss and Adam, he felt more helpless.  His boys were hurting and he could not help them.  His own pain was enormous, and he wanted nothing more than to hide away.

    The service concluded and mourners, hesitant to approach Ben, left quietly.  Joe was sobbing in his father’s arms, but fatigue had slowed him greatly.  He held tight to his father as he sobbed, and he would have nothing of being put down or handed to another.  Eventually the little boy, exhausted from the ordeal, was asleep in his father’s arm.  His face was soaked with tears as he held tight to his father’s shirt.  Ben was then able to undo his son’s grasp and hand him to Adam.  Adam held Joe tight, and the family stood alone at Marie Cartwright’s grave.  Each saying good bye in their own way.

    …Ben had watched his son as he had told of the burial of his mother.  Joe had sat very still as his father spoke, his eyes were closed tight, as if he was attempting not to see what was being described.  As Ben spoke, Joe remembered more, and he felt a wave come over him like he had never felt before.  It was suddenly hard to breathe, and his heart raced.  He fought hard to hold down the panic that was rising in him.  He started breathing heavily and felt his head swimming.  He was back there in his mind.  He watched the coffin go into the ground and moaned.  The tears came freely, as he thought of his mother being taken from him.  He wanted to reach out and stop it.  He wanted her back.  He felt as if he could not breathe.

    Ben was crying himself and felt the pain of the loss of the woman he had loved passionately.  The feelings came back fresh and raw.  He was mourning Marie once more.  He knew he had pain in himself he had denied and pushed away, but it came flooding back in drowning waves.  He hated to recall the death of his love, but knew he had to put it aside to help their son.  He held his focus on Joseph, unsure as to what he should do.

    He would not have to do anything, because his son would come to him.  Joe would reach out.

    Joe opened his eyes and saw his father’s tears.  Tears that for the first time Joe truly understood.  He realized the love his parents had shared, and the love his father had lost.  It had never made sense until he had lost his own love, his beloved Rebecca.  Joe was gasping for breath as he looked at his father.  Tear filled eyes met tear filled eyes, and then Joe collapsed into his father’s arms.  He was having difficulty breathing as his heart raced, and he felt the panic of his loss, but he knew of no other place he would rather be than in his father’s arms.

    Father and son embraced and cried.  They felt each other’s pain.  Joe’s panic quieted within his father’s protection, as his little boy hurts began to be addressed.  Ben’s loss hurt a little less because he held the product of his love from Marie in his arms.  Joseph had come from his love of Marie and would always be a reminder to him of that love.  He was so thankful Joe was like his mother in so many ways.  It kept her alive, and it kept Ben young.

    Ben and Joe, father and son, stayed rocking each other as they released the pain and hurt of losing love.  Finally, Joe sat up and spoke,  “Pa?”  Joe asked in a very quiet and young voice.

    “Yeah, son?”

    “Pa?  Did Mama know how much I loved her?”

    “Oh, Joe, yes she did.  She knew you loved her.  You told her all the time.  You made her so happy.  I know she is so proud of you, son.  Just as I am.”

    “Pa I miss her so much.  I miss them both.  I want to think about them, but then it hurts.  Pa, I don’t understand it.  I don’t know why I had to lose them.  I miss them all the time.  I miss Mama still.  I always have.  Pa, it’s not fair.  All those kids in school had their Ma’s and I didn’t.  I hated it.  I wanted her to be there.  Mama said it was okay and… and then I go to school, and the teacher said Mama was wrong.  I was so mad, and I uh… I…”  Joe realized he was talking about something that would make his father possibly feel bad, and he stopped.

    Ben saw Joe stop and immediately helped Joe continue on.  “Tell me son.”

    “Pa, I don’t want to, cause I don’t want to hurt anymore.  I don’t want to be angry with you, Pa.  I don’t want to hurt you.”  Joe said, as he started to cry again.

    “No son.  It’s okay.  Nothing you could say or do would make me stop loving you.  Tell me what happened in school.”

    “Well, you know I went to school after Mama… uh, after Mama… after she died?  Mama had said it was okay for me to write with my left hand, and the teacher… uh, Pa, I hated her… she… she… uh… said, Mama was wrong, and I was writing with the wrong hand.  When she said that Pa… I called her a witch, and I guess I threw a tantrum, cause I brought a note home to you, and you punished me too.  Pa, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t obey her… Pa, she said Mama was wrong.  Mama wasn’t wrong, Pa.  I do things a lot better with my left hand.”

    Ben vaguely remembered the incident, but he was amazed at how vivid it was for his son.  “Joe, you do things fine, and your mother loved you so much.  She knew you so well, and I’m sure she was right.  As a matter of fact, I know she was right.  I’m sorry I didn’t understand.  Son, I let you down, I see that now, and I’m sorry.  I never did it because of you, Joseph.  It was because I loved your mother so much, and I missed her.  I just missed her.”

    The two remained crying and missing the one that had belonged with them.  Eventually, both of them dried of tears for the moment and they hugged.  Ben said to his youngest,  “Joseph, I love you so much, boy.  You have no idea what you do for me.  Well, I guess I should tell you more often what you have meant to me, rather than just saying what I just did, huh?  That’s been our problem, I think.  I have assumed you knew a lot more than you actually did, or maybe it was more that I’d hoped you didn’t remember all of the bad and had only good memories.  Joe, you’re like your mother in so many ways.  I’ve told you that.”

    Joe sat listening to his father.  He desperately wanted his questions answered.  He had gotten answers, or partial answers from his father, and he began to want all of it.  He felt he had to have it and believed he deserved it.  “Pa, I’ve wanted to know her.  You all say I’m so much like her, and then you tell me only parts.  How am I supposed to know me?  You whisper things to Adam about her, and all that does is make me feel dirty.  I know you’ve told me parts, Pa.  I know you told me it was okay what she did, and you loved her and all of that stuff, but Pa, I deserve to know.  I deserve it!  I can handle it!  I love her.  She was my mother.  Whatever you tell me, I will not stop loving my mother.  She was a wonderful woman.  I know that, Pa.  I love her regardless of what she did."

    "Son, it no longer matters."  Ben tried to defuse the situation.

    "Yeah it does, Pa!  For some reason my mother is whispered about, and talked about, and I am not supposed to hear?  Oh, I’ve heard, and Pa, I know my mother more than you think I do!  I’ve had enough things implied to me by others, and the whispers only confirm it.  Pa, what all you missed was I don’t care!  I love her!  I loved her regardless of what she did, or who she was!  I know she was from the wrong side!  She wasn’t from the right places or had the right blood.  I don’t care, Pa!  She loved you, and she loved me!  I know she had a bad life, right from the beginning ‘cause of her blood, but Pa, I don’t care, and I never did!  I loved her, and you kept her away from me by whispering and not telling me all of it.  You hid her ‘cause of her past.  I didn’t care!  Pa, I don’t care what anyone says unless they hurt her memory by judging her, and then Pa, I’d kill ‘em.”

    “Joe, it doesn’t matter.  You need to know what I have told you before.  You’re mother was a survivor, and she would not let herself just be devoured by the New Orleans elite.  She did what she had to do, son.”

    Joe knew this was as much as his father could tell him.  It had been the answer his father had given him several times before, and he knew he would get no more.  Joe truly did not care what his mother had done to survive, and he knew his father needed to protect him, and maybe more importantly, protect her.  He would leave the “secret” between them, but he knew what it was.  He knew his mother had done what she had to do, and it made him sad, but proud.  He was from a woman who endured adversity.  He had survival in him.  As he thought of this, he felt another message had been given to him.  He knew his mother was saying to him not to give in and not to give up.
     “Okay Pa, I’ll accept that, and I know what you’re really saying, but you have to know one thing.  There’s nothing,… nothing, I could find out about Mama that would make me stop loving her.  I know she was good.  I just wish… I just wish I could know her now.  Sometimes Pa, it’s like she could give me the answers if I could just talk to her.”

    “Joe, I would like nothing more than for you to have her.”  Ben said, the tears returning to his eyes.  “I know you have done without.  I know all three of you have.  I wish it had been different.”

    “Pa, it’s not that I love you less.”  Joe started trying to ease his father’s pain.  He found himself greatly conflicted with the subject.  He wanted to know about his mother, but at times it seemed so painful for his father.  He struggled to do what was right for both himself and his father.

    “Joseph, I know that son.  I know.  But, I also know what a mother can do.  I watched her with you son, and your mother was wonderful.  She was so strong and yet gentle.  She knew you so well.  She could understand you better than me, I think.  She could have helped you with Rebecca.”

    The mention of Rebecca’s name immediately made Joe uncomfortable again.  He hated to think of his loss, and hearing her name brought it back full force.  He had made himself say her name aloud, but it hurt and he found himself missing her more.  “Pa, I don’t want to talk about… her, uh …Rebecca now.  I don’t want to… um… I can only do it …uh… Pa… it’s too much.  I can’t.”

    Ben realized that although he had made progress with his youngest, there was more to go through.  The hurt of the loss of Rebecca was still too much for Joe to talk about with him.  He noticed Joe could say some things to Kenny.  He wondered if this was not the role a woman would play in Joe’s life.  Someone he could truly confide in.  Ben’s wish for his son was that he would always have someone to tell his secrets to.  He secretly wished he could be the person that had been the confidant of the little boy he had raised.

    As a child, Joseph had confided several little boy secrets in his father, making his father swear he would never tell.  They were small secrets of treasures found, or of small embarrassments Joe had endured, but Ben held them tight.  He thought of them and felt the love he had for the child who sat before him.  His son had been slow to share, even as a child, and Ben had felt honored to have been granted the revelation of what Joe felt was a deeply guarded secret.  He knew the secrets revealed during their talk this day were much more sacred, much more guarded.  He also knew his son had not opened up freely and was uncomfortable with the revelations, but Ben felt he was finally understanding the mystery that was his youngest child.  He finally knew a bit of the “why” of Joseph, and it would help him respond to his son in the future.  He felt he had been given a great gift.

    Joe had pulled away from his father after Rebecca’s name had been mentioned, and the two went about fishing as if they had not talked.  Although each knew the other better than they had previously, each profoundly felt the pain of loss.  Each stayed in his own thoughts as he tried to remember and forget: remember the good and leave the bad un-remembered and unfelt.  Neither was successful, and the mood was somber.  They felt the pain more than they had in years.
 
 

    The Ponderosa endured as it always had, but there was a mood that had overtook the ranch when Joe rode away on the bay mare.  Adam and Hoss had spent many hours trying to reassure themselves that everything was fine.  The longer they went without hearing again from their father, the more they worried that perhaps there were troubles that their father had not shared.  Each knew that there was trouble when their father had left, and it was not like him to keep them in the dark.  But, neither believed they should go to their father.  They knew their father would ask them to come if he truly needed them, and for them to go in pursuit without asking, could harm whatever it was their father was working on.  They also knew deep down there had to be something wrong with Joe.  They both prayed he was safe and would come home soon.  Neither slept well and both were afraid of the loss they could experience if their father was not successful in retrieving their wayward brother.

    Adam and Hoss’s pursuit of Cochise had proved futile as well.  The horse would approach them and almost seem willing to go with them, but as soon as a rope appeared, the pinto would become skittish and bolt away.  Both had tried together and separate to make the pony feel safe enough to return to the barn.  They realized that Cochise would only return when she was ready.  They could not corner her, and they could not force her.  The pony was so much like her master.
 
 

    If Ben had been truly honest with himself, he would have to admit he was overwhelmed with the emotion that Joe had inside of him.  Ben needed to have a break from the intensity, and he decided Joe could use one as well.  He knew Little Joe loved nothing better than a fish fry and checkers.  Ben was determined to see his youngest better and decided the evening he had planned would lift Joe’s spirits.  He longed to see his son smile.  Ben enlisted the aid of Kenny once the two had returned from fishing, and Kenny and Ben went about preparing a great feast.  Joe was quiet and spent the time after fishing helping to prepare the fish and then sitting quietly by the fire staring pensively into the flames.

    Joe reviewed the past few days he had spent there in the cabin and felt himself confused and anxious.  He had told his father so much more than he had ever thought of sharing.  He realized his father was able to hold what he had said, but Joe felt sad none the less.  He felt as if he had added to his father’s burden.  It was as if to lighten his own burden, he had to add to his father’s.  He never liked hurting his father.  He was so torn with the anger and hurt he felt.  He watched his father as he cleaned the fish for their supper.  He loved the man he watched more than he loved anyone, and he prayed his father would not leave him because of what was happening between them.  It was all new to Joe.  He was not used to confiding in his father the way he was, and his fear of being left was overwhelming.  He wanted his father’s love and his father’s presence.  It seemed his father’s presence mattered most to him.  He wanted to be angry at his father, but also wanted his father to be there when it was all over, and the anger left.  He prayed his father could understand him.

    The supper turned out to be the feast Ben had hoped for.  Joe had caught the biggest fish and had made a comment about offering to teach his father how to properly fish.  Ben relished the attempt Joe had made at being east going.  Ben watched Joe throughout the meal and desperately missed the lighthearted nature of his youngest child.  Many suppers had been disturbed or interrupted by Joe’s silliness at the table.  Ben remembered the punishments doled out for his son’s failure to behave at the table.  He longed to have to discipline Joe again for some stunt pulled when they were eating.  He became optimistic that Joe would even attempt to make a lighthearted comment.

    Kenny observed father and son and knew she was watching something truly special develop between the two.  She could see each was so cautious and wanted to spare the other from more hurt, but she also saw they had more to share.  The father looked tired and worried.  He watched his son with apprehension and fear.  Kenny longed to tell Joe of the love she saw coming from his father.  She looked at the son and saw a health slowly returning.  Joe was growing and changing.  She saw a different person than the one she had seen in the saloon.  She wished she could tell the father that he was doing what needed to be done, and she was confident the son would return.  Instead, Kenny said little and decided to watch the beautiful drama in front of her.  She was learning more of love, and she knew she could watch and learn.

    After dinner, Ben decided to continue his plan to lighten the spirits of his son.  “Joe, hey, I found some checkers.  Wanna play?”

    Checkers was a game Joe excelled at, and very rarely would he turn down a game.  He had mastered the game on his brother Hoss and had developed quite a reputation as being ruthless in his desire to win.  It had resulted at times, in Joe giving into temptation, and distracting his older brother, so he could rearrange the board more to his liking.  Adam and Ben had been referee to several checker squabbles.  Joe looked at his father as he decided if he could tolerate more connection.  He made his decision.  “Uh,… yeah… sure, I’ll play.”

    As Joe sat for the game, Ben breathed a sigh of relief.  He had hoped his son would say yes.  As they set up the game pieces, Ben tried to settle into the traditional Cartwright evening which was small talk and reminiscing.  “Joe, I bet your brother Hoss is dying to play you again.  I think he decided to buy that book he saw on bettering his strategy and may now have it.  You may have something to worry about.”

    Hearing Hoss’s name and the reference to past checker games made Joe smile briefly.  He had missed his brothers, but he had not allowed himself to have much thought about them.  As he heard Hoss’s name, he remembered their times playing checkers, arguing over moves and countermoves.  Joe felt bad he had not asked of his brothers.  “Pa, um how are Hoss and Adam?  I, uh was wondering about them.”

    “Well Joe, they miss you very much.  Both of them have been very worried, and I’m sure they were glad to hear the news that I had found you.”

    Joe wanted to ask his father more questions about his brothers.  He had wondered how they were each fairing and wanted to know the daily lives of his siblings, but it was too much for Joe to realize at that time.  If he had, then he would soon realize he was missing the Ponderosa and his home.  It was too much for him to understand.

    Kenny had moved over to watch the game in progress.  Ben and Joe took the game very seriously, and whomever won would be a legitimate winner, because both players knew the other would know their opponent had given his all and had lost to the more worthy victor.  As they played, Ben decided to try to keep the mood lighthearted and casual.  He began telling Kenny of the rivalries between Joe and Hoss over checkers.  Kenny laughed aloud as she listened to the life or death competitions.

    Joe listened as well and was allowing himself to re-experience the laughter and happiness the stories brought.  The mood was light, and Joe took advantage of his father’s distraction into recounting tales of his boys to beat him at checkers.  Ben took his defeat gracefully and challenged for another go round.  Joe quickly agreed.  For a little while they all forgot the circumstances which had lead them to the hunting cabin.

    The new game also brought new tales of his boys, and Ben generously shared them with Kenny.  Kenny enjoyed the stories and watched Joe intently.  She found herself thinking that she would love to have this time together go on forever.  Her love for Joe had deepened since being in the cabin, and she knew she would always love him.  She felt herself drawn to him even more and loved hearing of his life and his family.

    Ben was rather pleased with how the evening was turning out.  It had been the closest to the type of evening the Cartwrights had shared prior to the loss of Rebecca.  Ben allowed himself to relax.  It was in his final story that Joe would again be propelled back into the hurt of loss of Rebecca.  Ben began telling the story of how his three boys had decided they would capture the stallion of the herd that ran the Ponderosa.  Each had their own motives for the capture, and as the episode unveiled it was evident each had no idea what they would actually do with the wild animal.  They had fed off of each other’s desire, and it had taken little for the three to feel as if it was a wonderful idea and needed to be accomplished.  They set about trying to accomplish the feat, and they were quickly bested by the wild animal.

    As Ben told the story, Joe had at first found himself smiling at the memory of himself and his brother’s in hot pursuit of the renegade horse.  He then remembered his own tale of the event to Rebecca, and her hearty laugh at the scene as Joe described it to her.  He had added plenty of dramatics, and life daring feats in his account, and he thought of them as his father’s voice disappeared from consciousness, and the memory of his own account to Rebecca took shape in his mind.  He thought of her laugh, her smile, her face, and was quickly overcome.  Joe tried to fight the desire to cry, but the power of it was too strong, and he was caught in the memory.  He began to feel the tears and needed to leave the room.

    All of a sudden Joe interrupted Ben’s account of events.  “”S’cuse me.”  he said, as he stood and rapidly left the room.

    Ben and Kenny sat for a moment in shock at Joe’s reaction.  He had been sitting with them, and suddenly he had clouded over and appeared ready to cry.  They watched him walk out of the room before it dawned on either to follow after.  Ben was on his feet as soon as the shock passed and was out the door.

    Once outside, Ben walked to his son and asked,  “Joe, what is it son?”

    “Nothin’, Pa.  It’s nothin’.”

    “Joseph, tell me.”

    “Pa, I just miss her, and I want to be alone.”

    Ben was unsure who the ‘her’ was that Joe was referring to.  He had talked with his son all day of his mother, but knew Joe was grieving for two women, and Rebecca was an unspoken between them.  He saw Joe was again tearful and longed to take away his child’s pain.  “Joe, I don’t think you should be alone.  I want to be here with you.”

    “Pa, please!”     Ben saw his son look so very sad, and he knew there would be more tears shed.  He looked at Joe and was torn.  He knew everyone deserved time alone to grieve and mourn, but his son had done things that were terrifying, and he hesitated to leave his youngest.  Ben said, “Okay Joe, but I will stay right over here.  You take care of yourself, but I’m here, son.  Right here.”

    Joe knew his father was worried and needed to keep him in sight,  He walked a little further so the dark gave him privacy, and he allowed the tears to flow.  He felt the loss of his love, and his heart ached.  He thought of Rebecca and relived so many things in his head.  He cried until he could shed no more tears, and then he retreated to the cabin and tried to keep himself from his thoughts.

    Evening turned to night, and Joe felt exhausted.  He had worked physically grueling jobs often on the ranch, but the exhaustion he had felt in those jobs paled in comparison to the fatigue he was currently experiencing.  His eyes hurt from the tears, and his head hurt from crying so hard.  He remained quiet and solemn as he undressed and laid down.  He was quickly asleep.

    Ben had followed his son back into the cabin and busied himself making a fire.  By the time he had finished and turned around, Joe was in bed, asleep.  His mood became very somber when he thought of the reason for his son’s fatigue.  Ben felt a tiredness in him and knew his son was experiencing it so much deeper.  He began to think about how he had so greatly underestimated the problems he would come up against in Sacramento.  He sat and looked at his son as he thought of what they had gone through together since the death of Rebecca.

    Ben could accept his son’s reaction to Rebecca’s death because of his own reaction to Marie’s.  He could not blame Joe for the choices he had made, and he started to realize he and his youngest may have more in common than he ever imagined.  He found the realization that there was more of him in his son than he had in the past assumed to be comforting, and this in turn increased the bond he felt with Joseph.

    As Ben reviewed the events of  the past few months, he realized the depths of despair his son had experienced, and how easily Ben could have lost his boy to suicide.  He also reviewed how far Joe had come since he had seen him sitting in the saloon, drunk and playing cards.  Joe had made progress, and Ben did see that his son was coming back, but he worried how far Joe could actually travel back.  He secretly feared the son he knew before Rebecca’s death was gone forever, and Joe would come most of the way back to him and then stop.  He found he really missed the lighter side of his child and had felt himself disappointed that Joe could not remain lighthearted for the remainder of the evening.

    Ben began to try and formulate what he needed to do in order to maximize the chance that he would have his son fully returned to his former self.  Joe had been unable to talk with him about Rebecca and it was like pulling teeth to get him to share about his mother.  He knew there was more to go through, and he would have to be there next to his son as the journey was taken.  He was not looking forward to the journey.  He was tired and did not know if he could meet his son’s intensity.  He worried he would let Joe down again.

    As Ben sat wondering about his own ability to measure up, he saw Joe begin to become upset, but it was different this time than the nightmares.  Ben watched as Joe actually began to moan and then cry in his sleep.  He saw his son was fully asleep, and he admitted to himself he did not feel able to handle an emotional and awake Joseph.  He made his way quickly over to his son and began to rub his son’s arm.  He spoke to his child, praying the child would sleep through the pain,  “It’s okay, Joe.  You’re okay, son.  I’m here, and it’s all gonna be okay.”  Ben looked and saw the tears falling from his sleeping child’s eyes.  He rubbed Joe’s arm and spoke quietly until Joe calmed.  Joe finally quieted and rolled away from his father.  Ben realized he had been holding his breathe and exhaled softly.  As he finally laid down to rest next to his youngest, he said a prayer.  He prayed for strength and understanding, he prayed for the end of the suffering to come quickly, and he prayed for his son to be restored.
 
 

    The emotional upheaval of the previous days weighed heavily on all three of the cabin’s occupants.  The following days passed with little meaningful interactions.  Each remained emotionally shut down, needing to restore their emotional reserves.  The atmosphere remained tense, but no one was willing to broach anything deeper than asking what was to eat or to make comments on the weather.

    Joe found himself sleeping hard and spent long hours resting, as his body demanded that he would attend to it’s needs.  He experienced nightmares off and on, as his mind tried to come to terms with the loss of the women he had loved.  In waking hours, he began to attempt to exercise his leg by walking through the woods.  He was always accompanied by either his father or Kenny, but there was little conversation as Joe focused on stepping firmly and confidently on his injured limb.  His leg allowed him to walk, but he found it aching after he had spent the day moving about.

    Ben cautiously watched his son and knew he was allowing Joe to avoid talking.  He wondered if he was being selfish, but he also knew he had to have a break from the intensity.  He made himself remain connected to his son by being physically present for Joe.  He also made himself attentive and looked for anything Joe would need to help him understand and handle the emotions inside of him.  He made himself think of Marie’s death and the hurt he had experienced in order to allow him to connect with his child.  He knew making himself do this was the only way he could do it.  Otherwise, it was much too overwhelming; much too painful.

    It had been four days since Ben and Joe had been fishing and had discussed Marie’s burial.  Both father and son were hesitant to talk, and they spent their time doing a dance around each other and the emotions neither wished to experience.  Ben and Kenny had taken to their customary morning coffee and discussion.  Ben had found himself relaxing with the saloon girl, and they were able to talk about emotionally charged subjects.  From this Ben was able to gain further understanding of himself and his son.

    Kenny and Ben were enjoying a second cup of coffee when Joe emerged from the cabin.  It was obvious Joe had just woke and he looked disheveled.  His hair was tousled and his clothes were rumpled.  He grumbled a good morning to his father and Kenny and then moved down to the stream.  He cleaned himself up and thought of the peacefulness of the meadow and the stream.  He breathed deeply and closed his eyes to the sensual assault of nature.  He thought of the Ponderosa and the enjoyment he experienced when riding alone and experiencing the sights and sounds of the land.  He thought of long rides he had taken and the enjoyment of riding on Cochise.  He allowed himself to think briefly of what it would be like to go back home.  He thought to himself, “If only I could go back and not hurt so bad.  If only I could handle it.”

    He shook his head to clear the thoughts.  Joe felt confusion as he tried to determine what it was he needed for himself.  He had never really given that question much thought; he had just assumed his family knew best, although he knew he fought against it at times.  He had always been his father’s son and a little brother.  He allowed a small admission to himself that when he had run from the Ponderosa, he had reacted to the pain and ran because he wanted away from it.  He had no idea if he had made the right decision.

    Joe finished cleaning up and headed up the hill.  He was quiet as he ascended and overheard his father and Kenny talking.  He heard his father say,  “…it has to be part of God’s will.  There’s no other explanation for all of this.  I wish Joseph could accept this.  I wish it would help him.”

    Joe crested the hill, and Ben saw an angry look on his son’s face.  He had stopped talking when he saw Joe and was unaware of the reason for the look.  Joe glared at his father briefly, and then walked past him into the cabin and slammed the door.  Kenny and Ben looked at each other, again confused about the reaction in Joseph.  “What is it now?”  Ben asked himself.  He felt as if dealing with his son was equivalent to walking through an open field with arrows being fired at him.  He took a deep breathe and stood, gathering himself together to enter into another emotional storm with his son.

    Ben walked in to see his son throwing his clothes into a pile in the corner and muttering to himself.  He did not bother to look at his father as he stormed around the room.  Ben stood watching.  Eventually Joe sniped, “What?”

    Ben felt the intensity of Joe’s question and paused before answering, “Why are you mad?”

    Joe reeled around and unloaded on his father,  “Why am I mad?  Why?  You wanna know why?  I am sick of hearing it’s all God’s will!   That’s why I’m mad, Pa!  I’ve heard that my whole life!  That’s the answer I was given over and over for Mama dying!  Now it’s the same answer I get for Rebecca!  I don’t want that answer!  It doesn’t help me!  God is mean and cruel and all He does is punish!  I don’t know what I did so wrong!  I’ve tried and tried, and I can’t even figure out what I did so bad!  What was it, Pa?  What did I do?”

    Ben was taken aback by what his son was saying to him.  He found himself again surprised with what Joseph was thinking.  He briefly flashed back to his little boy asking if the reason his mother was no longer with him was because she was mad at him. “Son, you didn’t do anything wrong.  Why would you think you did something wrong?”

    “Why am I being punished, Pa?  I had to have done something!  Was it ‘cause I let her drive the wagon?  Or is God just that mean?”

    “Joseph, it isn’t like that.  It’s not like that at all.  God isn’t punishing you.  What happened to your mother and to Rebecca was not because of something you did or didn’t do.  You’re wrong.  It was because of things you have no control over.  We don’t know all of it son.  We can’t know all of it.”

    “But I have to know.  I have to know how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  I have to try and make sure I don’t lose anyone else.  I can’t lose anyone else!  Why won’t God just tell me instead of all of this?  Why does He make it so I wanted it so much and then He takes it and then it hurts so bad?  Why is He so mean, Pa?”

    The expression on Joe’s face broke Ben’s heart.  Joe was asking questions men had asked through the ages.  He was asking questions Ben had asked himself in his time of loss.  He was asking questions Ben was not certain he had answers for.  “Son, I’m not sure what to tell you.  I’m not sure what to say that will take it all away for you.”

    “Pa, when I was little, and I would ask you about why Mama was dead, you would say it was God’s will.  Did God want me without my mother?  Why?  Why did He want that for me?  You’d say God’s will and I never understood it.  It never made me feel better, Pa.  I felt worse.  Was it supposed to help?  Is there something wrong with me that makes it so that doesn’t work for me?”

    “No, son there is nothing wrong with you.  You see those words don’t take the hurt away, and looking back on all of this Joseph, I know now that those words were not what you needed to hear at all.  Son, God isn’t punishing you.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  I know where your pain comes from son, it comes from me having let you down.  You needed me.  I’m the one you’re so angry with, son.  I’m the one who didn’t comfort you.  I know I left.  Joseph, you remember it right.  After we buried your mother I took to my room and was not there for a while.  You had to have been full of so many questions and fears, son.  You were left to try and make sense of something that was so very hard to do.  I know it had to have been, because I was grown and didn’t understand it.  You were five and needed your father.”

    “But why did He take Rebecca too, Pa?  Why couldn’t I just be able to marry Bec and be happy?”

    “I don’t know, son.  I know it was nothing to do with anything you did wrong.  What happened with Rebecca was an accident.  That’s all it was.”

    “But Pa, I guess I let her drive those horses.  I was wrong to do that.”

    Ben knew he had a question to ask his son and he feared Joseph’s answer, but also knew he had to know.  “Joseph, I want you to answer me honestly.  Do you blame me for your mother’s death?  After all, you know I gave her the horse she fell from.”

    Joe’s eyes got big and he shook his head,  “Oh no, Pa. No.  That’s silly.  It was an accident.  No you weren’t…”  Joe stopped as he thought of what his father had asked him.  Were the two situations similar?  “uh, you are, uh making a point aren’t you, Pa?”

    Ben smiled at his son and shook his head.  He was relieved Joe saw the situations as similar.  “Son, I have grown to realize something since we have been together here.  I always thought that you were so similar to your mother, that I did not fully notice the similarity between you and me.  Son, what you did with Rebecca, your reaction to her death was so very similar to mine in your mother’s death.  Maybe that is why I couldn’t reach you at the ranch.  Maybe it is why it was so hard for you, and why I felt so helpless with you.”

    Joe listened to his father’s words and did not speak.  He had not thought how he and his father had been similar.  At times in his life he had wondered how much Cartwright was actually in him.  He heard for the first time that maybe there was more than he thought. His father’s observation began to rattle around inside of him.

    “Pa, can I tell you about something?”

    Ben felt himself encouraged.  “Certainly son.  Let’s sit down.”     Ben and Joe sat near the fireplace, and Joe spoke.  “Pa, um, there is something else I remember, and it’s really stupid, but I wanna tell you.  I know it was a way a kid thinks, but maybe, I’m not so sure.  Maybe… I huh, I tried to uh… this sounds really stupid to say out loud.  Pa, I uh, thought maybe I could uh, bring her back, if I was good enough.  I remember hearing something in church, and I guess I didn’t understand what they were saying, cause I thought that if I was really good, then Mama would come back.”

    With that Joe shared his final, painful memory from a time when he felt so alone and wanted nothing more than his mother back…

    The circuit preacher made the rounds through the territory, and Ben made it a point to have himself and his boys in attendance at church anytime they could make it away from the obligations at the ranch, and the preacher was close enough to make the journey.  Ben had found solace in attending services after Marie’s death, and it made his pain a little easier to bear.

    The Sunday morning had started out with an enormous battle between Joseph and Hop Sing.  Hop Sing had taken upon himself the job of dressing the youngest Cartwright and getting him down with the others.  The job had been one Hop Sing had insisted he do because in his opinion, the others would either not take the care and concern to dress Joseph appropriately or they would create much more chaos than necessary.  Hop Sing believed no one could do it as well as himself.  He felt that if Little Joe had said he wanted to wear clothes that did not match, his brothers would let him do it in order to avoid the battle.  On the other hand, the boy’s father tended to battle the child, and both Joe and his father would end up in a foul mood for many hours afterwards.  Hop Sing found that he was the one that could keep the peace, and also not allow Joe to go out looking like a ragamuffin.

    Hop Sing usually enjoyed these mornings with the boy.  He would have to wake Joe several times, because of Joe’s tendency to fall quickly back to sleep.  Hop Sing would usually end up dressing a half asleep Little Joe.  He would call out commands in a combination of languages, both in Cantonese and English, such as, “hold out arm,” and Little Joe would respond.  This was the normal dressing routine.  However, this particular Sunday, Little Joe was feeling obstinate.  Hop Sing had no way of knowing the child had not slept well due to bad dreams of things that lurked in the dark, ready to devour little boys.  All he knew was he was in a battle with a five year old and was unsure who would win.  Little Joe fussed and held tight to the bed, wishing to sleep.  As Hop Sing forced the issue, Little Joe began to cry.  He told his beloved friend he was mean and was hurting him as he put on his shirt.  As Hop Sing buttoned the shirt to the top button, Little Joe protested that he could not breathe and undid the button.  He yelled out how much he hated the shirt he was given, and it was “scratchy”.  As the pants went on, Little Joe told Hop Sing they were too tight, and they no longer fit.  Hop Sing could feel the child had plenty of room and continued to dress him.  Little Joe tried to scamper away, back to bed, but the faithful cook held tight.  As the boots went on Little Joe squealed, swearing his friend was breaking his toes.  Hop Sing shook his head and continued to push the boots onto the child’s feet.  After dressing the child, Hop Sing stood back to admire his handiwork.  The child was so naturally handsome, but Hop Sing laughed a moment.  Joe’s hair was sticking straight up in the back, and it was obvious the child had just gotten out of bed.  Hop Sing moved him over to the wash basin and wetted his hands.  He then ran them over the naturally curly hair.

    “Hop Sing that’s all wet.  Don’t do that.  It makes me all cold.  You’re gonna make me all sick, and then I’ll die.”  Little Joe protested.

    “Little Joe stand still.  You be handsome boy if you stand still and let Hop Sing fix hair.”

    “I don’t wanna be handsome.  This is yucky.  I wanna go to sleep, Hop Sing.  Tell Papa I’m too sleepy.”

    “No Little Joe, you be good boy.  You not make Papa mad.  You go downstairs and eat breakfast.  Not be bad boy.”

    Joe stuck out his lower lip and tried to pout his way out of having to leave his room and join the others downstairs.

    “Little Joe be very bad.  You not should get pancakes.”

    Little Joe heard the word pancakes, and that was all it took to get the child out of his room and down the stairs.  Hop Sing smiled as he saw the little boy run down the stairs to his favorite breakfast.  He was running to the table in seconds flat and paused briefly to greet his father and brothers.  “Hi Papa!  Hi Hoss!  Hi Adam!”

    He landed in his chair with a smile on his face; gone the sleepy little boy who was protesting the morning upstairs.  He sat in his seat; his feet nowhere near the floor and grabbed for the pancakes on the tray in front of him.  It was not the doughy cakes he truly desired; they were only there to soak up the sweet syrup Little Joe loved.  He reached for the pitcher of syrup wanting to pour it onto his plate.  Ben reminded his youngest,  “Joseph, it is too heavy.  Here let me help.”

    The syrup, hot from Hop Sing’s kitchen, poured over the cakes with help from his father, and Little Joe smiled.  His brothers and father watched the little boy get excited over his breakfast and each tried to help.  Little Joe was stubborn in his unwillingness to view himself as only five.  He was surrounded by people much older than himself and wanted to be like them in every way.  His family at times forgot he was a little boy, as they too desired him to grow up quicker than was natural.  To handle a child, especially a precocious one was much more difficult and cumbersome.  It resulted in conflict.  A little boy trying to be older and failing, and a family wanting an older child and getting a little boy.

    Joe had devoured two pancakes and decided he wanted more.  He selected two more and then went quickly to pouring the syrup.  In childlike fashion, as the boy helped himself, he overestimated his need, and the syrup flowed over the cakes, onto the table, and as the boy tried to stop it, onto the boy’s hands.   Joe felt the syrup hit his hands and instinctively wiped them on his shirt.  This did not remove the sticky substance, and Little Joe went about marking everything he touched.  Hop Sing had traveled down to the family and saw the spectacle unfold.  Joe was trying to get himself free of the syrup and everything he came in contact with was caught in little boy sticky fingers.  One of the victims of the carnage of Little Joe and the sticky syrup was Adam.  Joe was trying to remove the syrup when he reached out, and Adam’s shirt was marked.  Little Joe pulled back afraid.  Adam looked down at the child’s handprint on his new shirt and immediately felt anger.  “Jeez Joe, watch it!  You got my new shirt all messed!”

    Joe stepped back and then looked at his father and saw a scowl.  He looked at Hoss and saw his beloved brother avoiding his eye.  He tried to smile at his father, but he knew it did not work.  Ben stood and took his youngest’s arm in his hand.  He gave a swat on Little Joe’s behind, and Joe immediately started to cry.  He was more upset at the embarrassment than the pain his father could induce.  Ben quickly called Hop Sing and told him to redress the youngest Cartwright.  Ben then returned to Adam and apologized.  Adam quickly realized he was dealing with his little brother; a child only five and said, “Ah Pa, Little Joe didn’t know what he was doing.  He got excited.”

    The three, Hoss, Adam and their father held each other’s gaze for a moment and then started to laugh.  They all thought of the small child trying to be grown by helping himself.  For a while Joe had become more of a baby after his mother had died, sucking his thumb and being more clingy, and now here he was trying to do for himself.  It was a good sign that Joe was returning to his former self, but his former self was at times a little too grown for his own good.

    The family finally made it out of the house with Joe freshly scrubbed once more, and both Joe and Adam in clean shirts.  They rode in a carriage to the small church.  Little Joe sat next to Hoss, and the two brothers giggled and laughed as they whispered between them.  Ben and Adam discussed the running of the ranch, and every so often they would be interrupted by a question from Little Joe or Hoss.

    Once at the church, Little Joe was placed in between his father and Adam during the service due to his tendency to either start whispering with Hoss, or for both boys to begin to make noise that would distract the other worshippers.  As the service started and Little Joe was required to sit still, he became sleepy and eventually his head came to rest on his father’s shoulder.  Ben felt the weight of Joe against him and found it comforting.  He said a short prayer thanking God for his boys.

    The circuit preacher was talking on Heaven as Little Joe slept soundly.  His father eventually had to move his arm due to the pressure from his youngest’s head, and the movement woke Little Joe.  Joe was groggy, and it took a while for him to wake.  Once he was aware, he thought he heard a story he would hold close to him.  Little Joe came awake to hear the pastor saying…  “And the truly good, the pure and the good of heart will see the dead again.  They will see the ones they loved once more.”

    Joe heard the Pastor’s words and sat thinking over times he had tried, but had failed, to be good.  He vowed to himself he would remain a good boy, and he would make everyone happy.  “After all, it’s worth a try.”  Little Joe thought.  He missed his mother, and the preacher said it was so easy to get her back.  “Just be a good boy.” Little Joe reasoned,  “Just don’t mess up, and Mama will be back.”  Little Joe vowed at that point that he would be perfect.  He missed his mother so, and he thought if she knew how hard he was trying, she would come and rejoin the Cartwright family.  He believed it because he was a child.  He needed help understanding the reality of the loss of his mother, and what the words the pastor said had really meant.

    Little Joe thought of whispering a question to his father, but stopped when he realized he was going to do something that could be bad, namely whispering in church.  He did not share with his father what he had concluded after hearing the preacher.  If he had, the message he had interpreted from the preacher would have been clarified for him, but Joe was more concerned about the return of his mother, so he said nothing.

    The sermon ended and after brief socializing, the Cartwrights headed back to the ranch.  Joe mulled over in his head all of the things he would do right from that moment forward.  He was carrying on an animated conversation with Hoss and impulsively began to argue with his brother.  He immediately caught himself when his father gave him one of Ben Cartwright’s famous looks and Joe immediately apologized.  He told himself to try harder and avoided further arguments with Hoss.

    The afternoon and evening passed with Little Joe weighing every move he made.  His behavior was noticed by his family and more than once his father or brothers asked him if he was feeling okay.  He tried to remember all of his manners and having watched and observed adults interact, Joe mimicked the adults he had heard and thanked his family for their concern.  Each of the Cartwright’s shook their heads and wondered what it was that Little Joe was up to.  Joe did not share his revelation.

    As it is with children, the passing of time did not mean the same for Joe as it did for the rest of the family.  He had been home from church only a brief period, when he assumed he had been good for an appropriate amount of time.  He ran to the door, opened it and looked for his mother.  Joe had assumed she would ride up on the same horse she had been thrown from, and he listened for horse’s hooves.  He stood on the porch waiting for his mother, but eventually returned into the house and back to trying to be even better than he had previously been.  This behavior continued throughout the day as Joe tried to will his mother back to him.

    Evening finally came, and the family made their way to the table for dinner.  Joe had not heard Hop Sing’s original summons to the table, because he was lost in war games with his soldiers.  When he realized he was late to the supper table, he rose quickly and started to run for the table.  In his haste, he ran too close to a table holding a vase; a gift from his father to his mother.  The vase wobbled and then fell shattering on the floor.  Joe stopped dead in his tracks.  He looked with horror at the fragments that scattered the floor.

    Ben was immediately to his feet and saw what lay shattered on the floor.  He yelled, “Joseph!” as he felt the anger and disappointment rise in him.  He then looked at his youngest.  He saw Joe looking pale and scared; frozen in his tracks.  Joe looked at what was left of the vase and then up at his father.  He immediately broke into tears.  Joe was crying, but it was for something other than what his father assumed.  Ben had thought Joe was crying out of fear for what his father would do to discipline him.  But instead, Joe was crying because he had assumed the breaking of the vase made it so that he had been bad, and therefore, he had messed up his plan.

    Ben asked,  “Joseph, what have I told you about running in the house?”

    Joe became even more upset and started crying harder.  Ben watched his child and felt confused.  Joe was much more upset than usual, and it did not make sense.  His son was almost hysterical.  Joe’s reaction reduced the anger in Ben, and he walked over to his little boy.  Joe was speaking, but Ben had difficulty making out what was being said through his son’s gasps.  He did hear the words, “Mama” and “come back” but could make out nothing further.  Ben knelt down so he was looking at his son in the eye.  He said quietly,  “Joseph, you know you are not supposed to run in the house  See what happens.  I think you need to go to your room.”

    Ben no sooner finished his statement, than Little Joe was running up the stairs and into his room.  He dove onto his bed crying, saying over and over that he would never see his mother again.  His father quickly joined him and rubbing his back said,  “It’s okay, son.  It’s okay.  It’s just a vase.”

    Joe cried hard as he believed he had made a mistake, and his mother would not return because of it.  His father sat next to him, unaware of why he was so hurt.  His father did not ask.  Finally, the little boy cried himself to sleep, and the secret he held remained unshared until twelve years later…

    As Joe finished telling of the memory, he returned to the present in his mind.  Ben reached out and placed his hand on Joe’s and said,  “Joe, what you believed wasn’t stupid.  You just did what I think we’ve all done.  We all try at times to make deals with God.  It’s just part of the way we handle our grief.  It’s how we cope with the hurt.”

    “But Pa, how do you keep going knowing any time He could do it again?  He could just take someone from me.”

    “You can’t live in fear Joe.  You can’t run away and hide from people, because you can’t bear losing them.  Let me ask you something.  Would you’ve not wanted to know your mother at all just so you would not have to feel losing her?”

    Joe thought of his brothers and felt bad for them.  “I’m glad I got to know her, even the little bit I did.  I’d never give that up.  I feel bad for Hoss and Adam, cause they never got to know their mothers.  Was I luckier?”

    “Joe, I don’t think you can compare grief and pain between people.  There’s never a good time to lose your mother.  I know all three of you’ve been terribly hurt by the losses.  You know, this time with you Joe has shown me the depths of the hurt.  But son, you’ve got to realize that there is some hurt and grief you can stop from continuing.”

    Joe was confused at what his father said.  He had wanted it all to stop hurting for so long.  “What do you mean?”

    “You know how bad it hurt Rebecca’s parents to lose her?”

    “Uh huh.”  Joe said quietly, as he lowered his head.     “Well son, I lost a child in that accident too, and Hoss and Adam lost a brother.  I’ve heard you say over and over how you miss your mother and you miss Rebecca.  Joe, we miss you that same way.  The only difference is, you can help with our grief.  Son, you know that ache you feel for them?  I have felt it since the day I lost you; since that buckboard flipped over.

    “I need you Joseph.  I’ve not told you that before, but I do.  You’ve made it easier for my grief over your mother by the mere presence of you in my life.  I’m wanting to do the same in your life.  I want Hoss and Adam to do that for you as well.  Son, you ran from us, and you’re the one who has to come back.  You have to let us move into those places in your heart that hurt so bad.”

    Joe started to cry as his father talked.  He felt the hurt so deeply as his father spoke.  He could say nothing.

    “Son, you need to know you’re such a vital part of my life.  I built the Ponderosa for you and your brothers because of how much I loved you all.  I always prayed it would be a sanctuary from the rest of the world, where we, as a family, could make something together.  You’re just as much a part of that prayer as I am or your brothers are.  Your mother wanted you to grow up at home and even raise your own family there as well.  She told me that she was so happy that you would have it so different than she had.  She sacrificed right along side me to make the Ponderosa yours.  It was almost as if she felt a great relief that you would be safe there.

    “When I saw you in that saloon Joe, it was a nightmare.  It was everything your mother had wanted to escape from and protect you from.  You’re right about your mother having it very hard in her life before I met her, but she rose out of it and would never want you where she had been.  She wanted you to have everything, son.  She had such great hopes and dreams for you.

    “I guess what I’m trying to tell you is the accident and you’re running away did not only affect you.  It affected all of us and continues to.  You said to me that you would love to talk with your mother because you knew she could help you.  Well son, I just told you what she wanted for you.  I cannot see how the desires she had for you would change just because you got older.”

    Joe kept his head down as he listened.  He had a question he asked through his tears,  “Pa, how could you stand being in that house after Mama died?  Didn’t everything just remind you of her too much.  Didn’t you want to leave?”

    “I learned you can’t run from memories.  They’re there and will be there where ever you go.  You tried to escape them by leaving, by drinking and by using morphine, but they came with you, didn’t they?”

    “But there are more memories there than anywhere else.  It hurts there.”

    “Yes it does and will… for a while.  But you will find son, after a while, you grow to cherish those memories, and the things that remind you of her.”

    “I just don’t know, Pa.  I don’t know if I can.”

    “Do you have good memories of home?”

    “Yeah, Pa.  Of course, lots of ‘em.”

    “Those are the ones you use to help with the bad ones.  Not everything at home was bad, Joe.  I think as you started to become so sad it became all bad in your head.  You didn’t allow yourself to think of anything else.  You just let it stay bad.”  Ben said and felt thankful that the words were coming to him in order to help Joe.

    “Pa, I don’t know.  I’m just so confused.  I want to think about it, ‘cause I never want to forget Rebecca.  But then I don’t want to think about it, ‘cause it hurts so much.  I get it all messed up in my head about what I want.  You know what I hate so much about Mama and the memories?  It seems the older I get, the more I lose a’ them.  Is there gonna come a day when I forget her totally?”

    “No, because that is what your family is for.  Joe, I hope you will allow us to help with the remembering.  I have so many great memories of your mother and all you have to do is ask, and I’ll tell them to you.  Anything you think you’ve forgotten you tell me, and I’ll help.  And as you share your memories of Rebecca, we help you keep those too.  We can help strengthen the memories and renew them when they start to fade.”

    “Pa, I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I get so confused.  It all hurts, and I think that it’s gonna just be this way forever…” Joe began to feel as if he could tolerate no more.  He had to break away to think and let things become more clear.  He knew he could not handle more from his father right then.  “Uh… you mind if I go for a walk for a while?  I wanna kinda think about all of it.”

    “Fine son.”  Ben answered knowing the discussion was emotionally draining, and Joe needed a break.  His son had always been one to talk a little and then go off and think it through, so Joe’s request did not surprise him, but he still was not comfortable with Joe alone, so he said,  “Why don’t you take Kenny along?”

    Joe wiped away the tears and went to stand.  He half smiled at his father, as he said, “You’re dead set on me not being alone aren’t ya, Pa?  Okay, I’ll take her with me.”

    With that Joe walked out of the cabin and saw Kenny sitting down by the stream.  “Hey Kenny.  Wanna go for a walk?”  Joe offered.

    Kenny was surprised Joe had asked.  Usually he would just start walking, and either she or Joe’s father would follow.  He had allowed them to accompany him, but it had been reluctantly.  This time Joe had asked her to join him.  “Yeah, sure.”  Kenny responded, falling in next to Joe.

    They walked along in relative silence for a while.  Joe was mulling over in his head his father’s words.  He allowed himself to question what it would be like to actually go home.  The thought made him anxious, and he decided to avoid it for a while longer.  Finally he decided to speak.  “Kenny, can I ask you a kinda personal question?”

    “Yeah, go ahead.”

    “Have you ever been in love?  I mean really in love?”

    Joe’s question caught Kenny off guard.  She had never felt love until she had met Joe and she now knew what it meant.  “Uh… yeah I think so, why?”

    “What happened?”

    “Well, he, the guy I loved was in love with someone else.  He never knew how I felt.”  Kenny was finding the conversation awkward because she was speaking of Joe.  She prayed he did not remember what Shelby revealed to Joe earlier.

    “Why didn’t you tell him?”

    “It’s… uh… was kinda complicated.  He loved the other girl very much, and he just wasn’t able to love me.”  Kenny was trying to answer Joe in a nonchalant manner, but it took all her concentration to watch the words she used.

    “How’d you get over it?”

    “Oh… uh well, I um… I’m not really over it, and at times I have to continue to tell myself that I can not have him, and I need to accept it.  I cry and am sad, but I know it’s not meant to be.  He doesn’t feel the same way about me.  We met at the wrong time in our lives, I guess.”

    “Do you think you’ll ever love anyone again?”

    “I hope so.  It sure does feel good to be in love.  I’d like to find someone just like this guy.”  Kenny said and thought,  “Oh, I sure hope I can find someone just like you, Joe.  I know I won’t settle ‘til I do.”

    “You still love him, huh?”

    “I think I always will, because he really was very special.  We had some special times together.  Times I’ll never forget.  You know I think I found what I really wanted in a man and for that it may have all been worth it.”

    “Huh, I wonder Kenny, is it all really worth it?”  Joe asked, as they slowly walked along, neither looking at the other.  “I mean here you’re lovin’ some guy who you think you’ll never have, and here I’m lovin’ someone who’s gone.  Would you do it again?  Would you get hurt again?”

    “Yes, in an instant.”  Kenny responded with no hesitation.

    “Just like that?  You think it was worth it?”

    “Most definitely Joe, don’t you?”

    “I know I loved Rebecca more than anyone in my whole life, and I know it hurts more than anything has ever hurt to lose her.  It actually at times makes me hurt physically to think how much I miss her.  I don’t want to lose like that again.  I don’t want to be that happy and then have it just disappear.  Kenny, my last memories with Rebecca hurt so bad, ‘cause I don’t have a finish to them.  It’s like she and me, we’re together and feeling the happiest I ever felt, and then I wake up in a doctor’s office, and my Pa tells me she’s dead.  I can’t remember the accident, her dying, I didn’t even see the funeral.  I know what happened, ‘cause they told me it was a buckboard accident, but I have no memory of it.  It’s all so hard to believe because of that.  It’s like she is supposed to be in my life, ‘cause I never saw her leave”

    “But don’t you think that could be a blessing?  Think of your last memory with her.  Wouldn’t you rather have that than seeing her dead?”

    Joe thought of the meadow and his time with Rebecca.  He was holding her and showing her how much he loved her.  He wondered which was better: forever remembering making love, but knowing it ended as his last memory of her, or being able to see it all happen and see her dead, so he knew it was over?  One memory kept him forever connected to her, the other he thought, would help him let go.  He had no idea which was best for him.

    “Kenny, I don’t know which I would prefer.  I guess neither.  I want her here and for it to all start over and for me to get to marry her.”  Joe fantasized.

    “Yeah, I know, but you know you don’t get to do that.”  Kenny said very quietly.  It was painful for her to hear how much Joe loved Rebecca, but she noticed he was able to talk about Rebecca more than he ever had before.  Joe was opening up and getting better.  Kenny found this realization to be bittersweet.  For her to have him, he had to be lost to himself.  For him to get better meant she would lose him.  It did not seem quite fair to her.

    “Yeah, that I have become painfully aware of.  My Pa asked me a question about my mother that I was wondering about Rebecca.  That’s why I asked you what I did.  I started wonderin’ if I’d’ve spent the time I did loving Rebecca, knowin’ I’d lose her.

    “You know she was incredible Kenny.  She really was.  She could make me laugh at just about anythin’.  She had this way of makin’ things not so bad.  And she had this thing about her that every time I looked at her, I just felt like she knew what I was thinkin’.  We would be in a room, and I would look at her, and she would look at me and it was like she knew exactly what I was gonna say or what I was gonna do.  She would tell me later what she thought I was thinkin’, and I was so amazed.  She really knew me.  Kenny, is that love?”

    “Sounds like it to me, Joe.  Would you’ve given that up?  Would you’ve not known her or known love with her because of the way it turned out?”

    “No.  I couldn’t give her up or have lived not knowing her.  She became everything.  It felt too good to just give it up.”  Joe continued to reminisce.  “You know when we were together… when she was alive, it just felt so much better to be with her than apart.  I could be really tired, or could be kinda upset about something and there she’d be, and it would feel a little better.  But I don’t know if I can get that again.  What if that was it?”

    “Well if it was, would you have not wanted it?”  Kenny asked.

    “You ask tough questions.”  Joe said looking at Kenny.

    “I think they’re the same ones I ask myself.”  Kenny commented and smiled.  “See I found out something about myself, Joe.  I went through most of my life hearing stories of love, and eventually I believed it was all just a bunch of lies, and that all life really had to offer was a day to day existence.  When I fell in love, I saw how much more there is to life.  Love was actually real.  The person I love couldn’t return it, but now I feel driven on to find the one who can.  I can’t see living without it anymore.”

    “I wouldn’t want to have only that small taste of love either.”  Joe commiserated.  “I guess I want more, too.  I’m just afraid I can’t find it.”

    “I think if you want more, then you’ll find it.”

    “But then I hurt Rebecca to do it, don’t I?”

    “Well, I think you can only hurt her if she did not want you to be happy.  Joe, everything you have told me about her, every reaction I have seen from you about her, says she and you loved each other very much, and she wanted you happy.  She wants you to go on.”

    “She’ll think I didn’t really love her if I just go on.”

    Kenny thought back to the times Joe had spoken of his love, and she knew Rebecca had to have known he loved her.  She then thought of the time she had spent with Joe, and if he had been as passionate with his true love as he had been with her, she had no doubt Rebecca felt loved.  “No.  She knew how much you loved her, believe me.  Women know these things, and you just radiate your love for her.  Rebecca knew, and she knows you have to go on.  Joe, that is also part of love; letting go.  You have to let go when you know that it is better for the one you love to go on than to stay back with you.  Rebecca sounds like she wanted everything good for you, and she would be hurt if you didn’t go on.”

    “You really think so?”

    “Yeah, I do.  I know I am letting go of the one I love so both he and I can be happy.  It’s not easy believe me, but it is what has to be.”

    “Hum.” Was all Joe responded with, as his mind went deep into thought.  Joe and Kenny concluded their walk together discussing little more than the things they saw along the way.  As they walked they both thought of the ones they loved.  Kenny began to know she was going to have to do as she had told Joe and let go.  She prayed she could.

    After the walk concluded, Kenny headed toward the cabin to think through her decision, and Joe took his customary seat outside, looking at the stream.  His head was full of the conversations he had experienced over the time he had been at the cabin.  Joe was feeling down, but the darkness had lifted some, and he was able to have more and more glimpses of light.  He noticed that he saw the colors around him brighter than he had in the previous months, but there was still a sadness that kept him from a full enjoyment of the world around him.  He felt he was getting better inside his head, but he wondered if he would ever feel as he had before the accident.  Would he ever want to laugh?

    Joe sat reflecting over the words which had passed between him and his father.  So much had been said, and it felt as if it was overwhelming, the insights shared.  He needed to sort them through.  He thought of the secret memories he had told his father, and how his father had responded to his revelations.  He realized he had been able to share with his father his deepest secrets, and he was not punished, nor was he left for them.  He thought of how lovingly his father had listened to him and had allowed him to tell him of his anger.  He then thought back to the state his father had found him in Sacramento, and realized his father had not punished him for that either.  He saw that his father must truly have understood more of what had happened inside of him than Joe had ever expected him to be able to do.  Maybe his father understood it more than he did himself.

    While growing up, Joe and his father had endured more than their share of conflict as Joe bucked, and his father held tight on the reins.  He noticed though, the interactions he had experienced while at the cabin were something entirely new.  His father was treating him as a friend as much as he was a father.  Joe felt his father’s guidance during their talks, but there was something new there as well.  His father seemed very interested in him and what he thought about.  At that moment, Joe realized his faith in his father was being resurrected from a twelve year dormancy.  His father had not walked away from him.  He had not been left alone, and he began to truly believe his father would never willingly abandon him.

    Joe thought of the comparison of his own loss to that of his father’s.  When they had cried over his mother together, Joe had realized his father knew what he felt.  He saw his father’s pain and knew they had shared something together that was powerful.  He had been unable to talk with his father of his own lost love, and he sat wondering why.  He thought for a long while and finally decided it was because he still had difficulty seeing his father as anyone other than the man who had raised him.  He felt awkward talking of his relationship with Rebecca, of his love of her.  Joe was struggling with his movement into manhood, where he would allow his father to see him as more than a boy.  He began to believe maybe this too could be something he could talk to his father about.

    He remembered his father comparing his own behavior to that of Rebecca’s death.  He had seen the pain in the Larson’s and knew of his own.  He had not realized until his father had said what he had, that he could have created the same hurt inside his father.  He knew he had not willingly done that, but it troubled him that it had occurred.  He saw how his own pain had caused him to abandon his father and his brothers.

    He then thought of his brothers at home.  Joe had not allowed himself to think of their hurt at him leaving them.  He could tolerate them being angry, but the hurt was much harder.  He had preferred to stay numb, and he had been unable to feel much since he had left the Ponderosa.  As the days had passed at the cabin, and his mind and feelings reawakened, he had to fight against thinking about his brothers at home.  He allowed himself to finally think of how much he really missed them.  With the thoughts came the feelings, and then the tears.  He knew how important Hoss and Adam were to him, and he began to realize that he had caused them a pain that he himself could not tolerate.  Joe had known his brothers had been there for him throughout his life, and it was they who helped him through the death of his mother.  He was very uncomfortable knowing he had hurt them.  He began to want to repair the damage.

    Joe’s thoughts finally turned to his mother’s wishes for him.  He always had held his mother in the highest of regard and wanted to make her proud.  His memories prior to her death were so loving and wonderful.  He hated her death had to intrude into those memories and end them at such a young age.  He thought of what his father had told him regarding his mother’s wishes for his life.  The more he thought over that conversation, the more he became certain he had heard his mother speak, and he had heard her guidance.  He knew he could not ignore the message, but worried if he could carry it out.  He said aloud, “Mama, if it’s what you want, then you’re gonna have to help me.  You’ll have to make me strong, ‘cause I’m gonna need it.”

    He stood and walked to the cabin, waiting to feel the strength to do what he knew he had to do.
 
 

    Supper came, and the three sat down to eat as had grown their custom.  Each was quiet as they reviewed the discussions of the day.  While Joe had sat thinking by the stream, Ben had sat back and kept his eye on him. Ben had to admit to himself, it was beginning to feel as if a calm was starting to come over his son.  He noticed Joe had grown up greatly during their time together, but he felt torn, because of his concern that with maturity, Joe had lost his innocence and his natural love of life.  The loss was most seen when he looked in Joe’s eyes.  Although Joe’s eyes look much less sad there was a characteristic that was missing.  It was the natural sparkle of life in Joe’s eyes.  Ben wanted the sparkle to return.

    Kenny had spent the time since her talk with Joe coming to a sad realization.  She was growing too attached and was worried she could never leave if she did not do it soon.  She decided to share her intentions with Joe and his father, and she hoped she could say what she needed to without breaking down.  “Mr. Cartwright, Joe, I have been thinking, and I realized tomorrow is Wednesday.  The stage headed back east comes through town on Wednesdays, so I was thinking of going ahead and getting on it.  I want to start over back home.  To give it another try.”

    Kenny’s announcement took both Ben and Joe off guard.  The three had not talked of the end of their time together.  Each knew the arrangement had been temporary, but it still came as a surprise.  “Well Kenny, you are more than welcome to stay as long as you like.  I don’t see that there is any hurry on our part.”  Ben said with warmth.

    “Oh I know that Mr. Cartwright.  It’s just I need to get going, so I can get my life back headed in the right direction.  I kinda got lost there for a while in the saloon, but I think I know what I want now.”

    Joe listened to Kenny and felt himself sad.  He had grown comfortable with Kenny and knew she had helped him with his hurt.  As he had listened to her say she was going home to get her life back together, he realized her courage.  He wondered if her decision to be brave could help him gain more strength.  He said to her, “Geez Kenny, I’ve gotten real used to having you around.  I grew up with only brothers, and I guess I got to feel what it's like to have a sister for awhile.”

    Joe’s statement made Kenny sad because she did not view him as a brother, but she had known somewhere inside that had to be her role with Joe for him.  “Like I told ya before Joe, you have helped me so much and I have been so glad to be able to help you and your Pa.  I am eternally grateful.”

    “As are we Kendall.”  Ben said.  “I know I was hard on you when I found out about your connection with Shelby, but I think that you have shown us you really have a very good heart.  I’m in your debt for all of your help here.  We can take you to the stage tomorrow if you would like.”

    “Thank you.  I’d like that.”  Kenny said, but found herself wanting to change the subject.  She was feeling sad and needed to pretend a while longer that her stay was not coming to an end  “But, hey we have this evening, and Joe, I think I’m up to the challenge of playing you in checkers.”

    “Sure.”  Joe said and gave her a small smile.

    The evening was spent with Joe and Kenny playing checkers, and Ben reading by the fire.  Ben periodically looked up at his son, watching his face.  He saw the concentration on Joe’s face and found himself a little more relieved, a little more encouraged.  Joe had shown no desire to attend to the games he had played with Hoss back at the Ponderosa after the accident, but in both the checkers games Ben had played with him, and the games he watched Joe and Kenny play, showed him glimpses of the son he had previously known.  Joe was perched on the arm of the chair, lost in his strategy, his eyes focused and absentmindedly chewing on his lower lip.  Ben smiled and said a silent prayer that Joe’s return would continue.
 
 

    The morning unveiled itself to the cabin and the inhabitants rose to greet the day.  Joe rose soon after Kenny and his father and the three sat enjoying a leisurely breakfast.  Afterwards, Ben retrieved the horses and began to hitch the wagon.  After he finished, he  announced that the wagon was ready to go.  It was then that Joe asked his father if he would mind if he rode the bay mare to town.  Joe was wanting to be on a horse again and saw this as a good time to try.  Ben’s first thoughts were of fear that Joe would try to run away, but as he looked at his son, he did not see the panic that had been there previously.  Ben agreed, but was glad the wagon was going along also in case it hurt Joe too bad to sit a horse.

    After Joe saddled the bay mare, and Kenny packed up her few things, the three headed to town.  Kenny told them there was something she had to take care of before she left on the stage, and she would need about an hour in town alone.  Once in town, Joe and his father found themselves with time to waste as Kenny ran her errand.  The stage depot was located diagonal to the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon, and both Ben and Joe’s eyes were drawn to it.  Joe felt his heart beat faster as he then turned to see his father also looking towards the bar.  Ben knew the moment was awkward, and as he looked back at his son he saw Joe was uncomfortable.  He put his arm around his son’s shoulder and casually said,  “Hey how ‘bout a drink or a game of cards?”

    Joe’s eyes widened as he looked at his father with disbelief.  He thought to himself,  “After everything that has happened, Pa is actually suggesting we go over to the saloon?”  As he stood in shock, he saw a big grin come across his father’s face.  Joe realized then that his father was kidding.  He gave his father a smile and said,  “Probably not a good idea, Pa.”

    Ben and Joe ended up sitting in front of the depot waiting for Kenny’s return.  The stage had already arrived from San Francisco and was loaded down for the next leg of its journey east.  Kenny returned from her errand with time to spare.  She walked up to the two men and spoke,  “Mr. Cartwright, Joe, is there somewhere we could go for just a few minutes before I need to get on that stage?  There is something I want to give you, Joe.”

    Both Ben and Joe were curious as to what Kenny’s errand had been.  She had been secretive about where she was going and let them know that she had not wanted company when she went.  Ben said,  “Certainly.  Here, there is a café just up the street.  I’ll buy us all a cup of coffee and you can do whatever it is you want to do there.”

    As the three headed down the street Kenny’s heart was heavy.  She did not want to leave them, but she hoped what she was going to give Joe would help her to feel better about what had transpired in the saloon, as well as give Joe a gift that would help him heal.

    They entered the café and sat down.  The each ordered a cup of coffee, then Kenny took a deep breath and began,  “Joe, I know you told me that I was forgiven for what I did to you here, and I did not need to make amends, but I feel I need to for myself.”

    Joe tried to interrupt her, but Kenny held him off,  “No Joe, just listen.  Shelby and me made quite a bit of money doing what we did in the saloon.  I don’t feel right keeping it anymore.  It’s dirty money and was made off of using people.  Well, I thought and thought yesterday after I made my decision to go home about what I wanted to do with the money.  I made a decision and here.  I want you to have this.”

    With that Kenny handed Joe what looked like a legal document.  He asked her,  “What is this?”

    “Read it, silly.”  She said with tears in her eyes.

    Joe looked down and read the document.  His eyes too welled with tears as her read.  He was momentarily speechless.  After gathering himself, he said to her,  “Kenny, I don’t know what to say.  This is so, uh… I am just, uh… Kendall, thank you.”

    Both Kenny and Joe stood, and he hugged her tight.  Ben watched the two embrace, but he no idea what the paper Kenny had given Joe contained.  He looked down on the table and read the document.
 
 

    Ben also found his eyes filling with tears.  This had been a remarkable gesture.  He was so touched by the woman’s kindness.  This would allow Rebecca’s memory to go on.

    Joe and Kenny ended their hug and both wiped their eyes.  Joe looked again at the document he had been given and thought,  “Bec, you’d really like this.  I’m glad your name is gonna be somewhere that can help people.  It will sure help a lot a kids, and maybe they’ll go on rememberin’ you too.”

    Ben, Kenny and Joe walked quietly to the depot.  Once there, it was obvious the driver was loading the stage and was getting the passengers ready to depart.  Kenny stopped and turned towards Joe and his father.  “Well this is it.  I am going to be back in Ohio in a couple of weeks.  I again want to tell you Joe, I am so glad I met you.  And Mr. Cartwright, I want to thank you for your willingness to not press charges against me.”

    Ben stepped forward and gave Kenny a hug.  “Miss Mac Masters, it is I who thank you.  I don’t know what we would have done if you had not followed us out of town to the cabin.”

    “I’m so glad I did.”  Kenny said as her eyes then move to Joe.  Joe and Kenny stood looking at each other a moment with neither speaking.  Kenny thought to herself,  “Oh how do I do this?”  She said,  “Come here.”  as she stretched out her arms.

    Joe stepped forward and the two again embraced.  Kenny closed her eyes to firmly implant the feeling of him in her mind.  She felt his arms around her and breathed deeply to take in his smell.  She never wanted the embrace to end, but it did and Joe pulled away.

    Joe had tears running down his cheek as he pulled away.  He said quietly,  “Thank you Kenny, for everything.  If there is ever anything you need please write and let me know.”

    With those words Kenny realized she would have no way of contacting Joe again.  She had known he had resisted returning to his home, and she worried she would never know where he was or how it all turned out for him.  “But Joe, how can I reach you?”

    “Kenny, you can reach me the same place you reached my Pa when you told him I was here.  I’ll get it if you send it there.”

    Ben heard what Joe had said, but was unsure what he had meant by it.  He decided to wait to ask his son later.

    Joe helped Kenny aboard the stage and gave her bag to the driver.  He stood looking at her and waved as the stage started to pull away.  He watched it move down the street and around the corner.  He remained fixed for a moment as he knew what it was he had to say to his father.  He had watched Kenny go towards her new life, and he knew he had to return to his.  Sacramento was over, it was time to go home.  He turned to his father and looked him in the eye.  He said in a voice much more confident than he felt,  “Pa, I’m ready.  It’s time to go home.”

    Ben heard his child’s words, and his heart soared.  Joe had said it.  He wanted to go home.  Ben grabbed Joe and pulled him close.  “Oh son, I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.  We can leave whenever you say.”

    As Joe moved back from his father’s hug he saw his father was crying.  “Well Pa, now’s just as good a time as any I guess.”

    Ben was so elated at what he heard.  He smiled big at his son and held on tight to him.  “I think we need to wire Adam and Hoss, go back to the cabin and pack up, and then head home.”

    “Sure Pa.  Let’s do it.”  Joe said trying to smile.  He hoped he could be as brave as he needed to be.  He felt his father’s hold on him and it was comforting.  He would draw strength form his father.

     The wire arrived in Virginia City in the late afternoon.  A hand from the Ponderosa was there to pick up the mail and grabbed the telegraph as well.  It went in with rest of the mail and was brought back with the hand upon his return.

    Adam and Hoss trotted into the yard of the Ponderosa.  Both pulled up their horses and could not believe the sight before them.  There stood Cochise quietly grazing on Hop Sing’s herb garden.  The brothers looked at each other, and then back at the paint.  Cochise had come home all by herself.  Adam and Hoss used soft tones as they spoke to each other, so as to not spook the head strong animal.  Hoss finally walked over and opened the barn door.  Cochise immediately headed inside and stopped in her stall.  She was jumpy and moved nervously in her stall, but she was home.

    After tending to all of the horses, Adam and Hoss retired inside the big house.  Neither could believe the pony had come home after all of the chasing they had done.  Upon entering the house they were immediately greeted by Hop Sing.  He was going on and on in Cantonese, all the while holding a paper in his hand.  Adam took the paper and saw it was a telegram.

ADAM(stop)
LEAVING SACRAMENTO (stop)  ARRIVE RANCH IN THREE/FOUR DAYS.
PA (stop)

Adam read the short note and breathed a sigh of relief.  He handed it to Hoss who let out a whoop.  The family was being restored and both men said a prayer of thanks.

    It was Hoss who then said, “You know Adam.  That is the strangest thing, Cochise comin’ home like that.  But I ain’t gonna complain, cause she gave us fits runnin’ after her.  I noticed she’s all a mess.  She’s missin’ a couple a shoes and looks all shaggy and mussed.  She needs her mane and tail pulled, so she looks right sharp.  Think I’ll get that little pony already for Joe to come back.  What ya think?”

    “Hoss, Joe’ll love it.”  Adam said, patting his younger, yet bigger brother on the shoulder.

    Ben and Joe rode back to the cabin, packed their possessions and headed east, towards the Ponderosa.  Ben made a deliberate choice to make the ride back to the Ponderosa slow so that he and Joe could continue to talk.  He knew Joe was nervous, and he wanted to do what he could to talk Joe through his fears.  He also knew that, although Joe’s leg was much stronger, it still was injured and sitting a horse could be uncomfortable for his son.

    As they rode, Joe’s mind reviewed the conversations of the past few weeks once more.  He ran them over and over and drew greater insights with each review.  He occasionally would look at his father when his father was not looking at him, and would wonder how much more there was to share between them in the future.  He realized he was learning who his father was as a man.  He knew he loved his father, and saw that he also liked the man.  Joe was amazed the change that had happened between himself and his father.  Although he tended to view it as his father who had changed towards him, eventually Joe would eventually realize he had changed as well.

    The two men camped out at night and would sit talking about their home, their family and their lives.  Joe would become nervous before they talked, but found himself relaxing and enjoying his father’s presence.  The night would creep upon the two, and they would settle in to sleep.  Both would sleep in a makeshift bed from their overturned saddles and try to make themselves as comfortable as possible.  Ben slept next to Joe as he had done so often the past weeks, but he noticed Joe slept without the nightmares intruding.  He saw this as a blessing for his son.

    It was the third morning on the trail, and Joe was returning from a watering hole they had found the previous night.  He had his shirt thrown over his shoulder, and his hair was dripping wet.  He shook his head violently to remove the excess water.  Ben sat watching his son and smiled.  He thought of how many times before on the trail he had seen Joe perform this maneuver after wetting his head.  He noticed when Joe stopped his natural method of drying his hair, how long his son’s hair had become.

    When Ben had first arrived in Sacramento he had been struck with Joe’s appearance, but over the weeks, he had almost grown accustomed to Joe’s long hair.  Not that he would tell his son of his acceptance.  He knew that to have Joe show up at home the way he currently looked would not be the best for Joe.  His son needed to rejoin his old life and return to his former self.  He needed to become Joseph Cartwright once again.

    Joe was sitting running his hands through his hair putting it back in place when Ben decided to broach the topic.  “Son, we hit Placerville early today, and I want you to get a haircut there.”

    Joe looked up at his father and said,  “Awe Pa, I kinda like it like this.  You sure I just can’t keep it this way?”

    “Joseph, how many times do I have to tell you?  No son of mine is going to run the streets of Virginia City looking like a…”

    “Riverboat gambler.”  Joe interrupted and smiled.  He knew that phrase would have a different meaning between him and his father from then on.  “Well, I was just kinda hopin’ you wouldn’t notice, or you’d forget or somethin’.  I’ve gotten kinda used to it like this.’

    “Well you may have, but I haven’t, and it would shock Hoss and Adam to no end.  They’d probably think I brought home the wrong person.”

    With the mention of Hoss and Adam, Joe became nervous.  He had been wanting to ask his father a question, but was concerned about the response he would get.  He decided to just blurt it out.  “Pa, what are you gonna tell them about me, and what happened and all?”

    Ben had been thinking over this as well.  He knew his youngest would have great difficulty facing his brothers, and he wanted to make it easier for him.  “What would you want me to tell them?”

    “Well, I know you have to tell them stuff, and they will ask questions and all, but I uh… I just don’t know if I uh…”

    Ben stepped in to help,  “Joe, I don’t have to tell them anything.  You forget I’m the father.  Tell you what.  I think what needs to happen is that you tell them what you’re comfortable with.  I’ll say nothing other than that we were delayed because of your leg injury, and also that you needed some time before you came home to deal with your grief.  How’s that?”

    Joe looked at his father with sheer amazement.  He started to tear up as he asked, “Pa, you’d do that for me?  You wouldn’t tell them about the rest?”

    “Yes son, I would.  Contrary to what you think, I have lots of secrets about each of you boys, and I have no need to share them.”

    “Really?  You’d not tell them even if they asked?”

    “Yes son, that’s what I mean.”

    “Thanks, Pa.”  Joe said, and hugged his father tight.

    “Joseph, you’re gonna be okay, son.  It’s all gonna be okay.  Hoss and Adam love you so much, and they just want you home.  That’ll make them okay with everything.”

    “But Pa, what I did… I don’t want them to know.  I hate it that you know, Pa.  It really bothers me.”

    Ben broke from their embrace and held his son by the shoulders.  Joe’s head was down, and Ben saw the shame on his son’s face.  “Joseph, look at me.”

    Joe lifted his head, and Ben saw he was crying.  He wanted to comfort his child.  “Son, it’s over.  It’s all over, and you’re with me, and you’re coming home, and that’s all that matters now.  I understand what you did, Joseph.  I’m very sorry you went through what you did.  I just ask you to make me a promise right here.  Joe, promise me you’ll try to talk to me in the future.  I know you’ll have difficulty, and I know we’ll go through a lot more together, but promise me you’ll try.  Promise me you’ll not just give up on me before you try.  Can you do that son?”

    “Yeah Pa, I’ll try.  And I promise you something else, Pa.  I promise that I’ll try and be better as a son.”

    “Oh Joe, no, no, you’re just the way I want you as my son.  You do that part just right.  I think I need you to be just the way you are, Joseph.  Any other way and I would feel as if something was missing.”

    Joe said through his tears,  “I love you, Pa.”

    Ben grabbed him close and said,  “Oh Joseph, I have never doubted that one minute.  I am truly very blessed with your love, son.”

    Ben and Joe arrived in Placerville, and at the same time Joe was visiting the local barber, Hoss was struggling to groom Cochise.  The horse had again tasted the wild and was reluctant to submit to being reshod and groomed.  Her master knew of the discomfort and was cringing as the barber cut off the hair that had grown to rest on his shoulders.  As the barber worked, Ben saw his son return in appearance.  Joe lost several years as the hair was trimmed, and his face shown through.  Ben paid extra for Joe to have a close shave, and when the barber finished he saw his youngest son standing before him, looking younger than his given age.

    “Much better.”  Ben commented as the two left the barber.

    Joe ran his hands through his shorn hair and sighed.  He replaced his hat and said,  “Well my hat fits better I guess.”

    Ben chuckled and slapped his son on the back.  He was anxious to get back in the saddle.  They would have one more night on the trail and then would hit Ponderosa land early the next day.  Joe would then be home, and the nightmare would be closer to being over.

    As the two made camp that evening, Joe was very quiet, but his mind ran through many thoughts and he felt heavy with emotion.  Ben noticed Joe had moved from a more light temperament to very pensive with every step the horses took towards the Ponderosa after leaving Placerville.  Ben finally asked, “What is it, son?  What has got you troubled?”

    “I uh, I’ve been thinking about Rebecca s’all.  She’s on my mind.”

    “You wanna talk about it?”

    Joe hesitated.  He asked himself,  “What is there really to say?”  He looked at his father and said,  “Pa, you know I really loved her?  I think of her, and I just remember so much.  I remember she and me in town and at the house.  You know I even miss her folks.  They were so good to me.  I really don’t like what I said to them when they came to the ranch.  Rebecca would have gotten all over me about that.  She always told me I said stuff before I thought about it.  I was mean to them, and they’re her folks.  I wish I hadn’t said what I did.”

    “Son, they understood.  They really did.  They knew how bad you were hurting and how much you loved Rebecca.”

    “But Pa, I have to make it right with them.  I know Rebecca would be standin’ there with her hands on her hips sayin’ somethin’ like, Joe you did it again.  You just went talkin’ and not thinkin’ and you need to say you’re sorry.  You know she did that a couple times in school?  I hated it cause she was right, and I ended up havin’ to say I was sorry.”

    “Rebecca was wonderful.  You were so right in choosing her.  She loved you very much you know.  And boy did she know you well.  I talked with her the night of your engagement party, and she really knew and loved you, Joe.  You were blessed with knowing true love.  I just wanted it to turn out right for you son.  I wanted it for both of you.”

    “Yeah, I know that, Pa.  You were so great to me during that time.”  Joe said, but then he grew more quiet.  He had thought of something as he had ridden and decided to ask his father.  “Uh Pa, would you have a problem with me going to see the Larson’s by myself before I go home.  I feel I need to do it before I go home, but I gotta do it by myself, Pa.  I gotta talk to them.”

    Ben thought of Joe’s request.  It would require him to trust his youngest to be alone and ride into Virginia City.  He felt he had to trust his child and said,  “Sure Joe.  We’ll split off at the crossing, and you go to town, and I’ll go on to the ranch.  But you sure you want to do this by yourself?  You don’t have to you know?”

    “Pa, I promise you, I’ll be home as soon as I see the Larson’s and I uh… I talk to uh… I see Rebecca a minute.”

    Ben felt so sad for his child and knew it was a pain Joe had to come to grips with himself.  He said,  “That’ll be fine, Joe, but I want you to know holding off your brothers and Hop Sing is going to be difficult.  They may want to ride on in to town and get you.”

    Joe forced a smile, and Ben began to worry once more.  Joe had come so far and now he seemed to be regressing again.  Ben wondered if he had been too hasty in listening to his son and in bringing him home too quickly.  He prayed the talks and love that had passed between the two would sustain his child.

    Joe remained relatively quiet through the evening.  Night fell and Joe turned in early.  He slept quietly for a hours, and then, the nightmare came.

    Joe was in the middle of Virginia City, standing in the Town Square.  It looked like a courtroom, set up with a judge’s bench in front of him.  As he looked around, there were seats filled with his family’s friends from town.  He saw the jury escorted into the jury box and noticed he knew them.  It consisted of Maggie and John Larson and his own brothers Adam and Hoss.  He looked towards them and tried to catch their eye and smile at them.  They had a serious look on their faces and looked towards the Judge’s bench.  As he moved his gaze towards the bench, he saw the judge.  It was Shelby Butler.  He took his seat in front of Joe and glared at him.  Joe looked to his left and saw it was his father defending him.  He felt relieved.  He looked over to where the Territory’s representative should be, and again there stood Shelby.  Shelby was the prosecuting attorney and the judge.  Joe felt afraid and turned to his father.  His father took him by the arm and reassured him.  He felt the fear leave.  Then he heard,  “The Territory of Nevada calls the defendant, Joseph Cartwright.”

    Joe took the witness stand and placed his hand upon the Bible.  He swore to tell the truth and then the questioning began.

    “Mr. Uh, Little Joe, is it true you are really not a Cartwright?”  the prosecutor asked.

     “No I’m a Cartwright.”  Joe responded.

    “But not really are you, Joe?  You’re not like them.  You’re not really made up of the same things.  You’re weak, aren’t you?  You’re a murderer”

    “No, I’m not!”  Joe tried to defend himself.

    “Oh, but Joe you are.  See, these people know you’re a drunk.  They know you have to rely on medicines.  They know you’re a murderer.  They will testify to this.  Look at you Joe, you have her blood on you.  Look!”

    Joe looked down and saw his shirt was crimson.  He was confused as to how the blood got on his shirt.  He looked at the jury box.  Maggie Larson stood and pointed at him.  “You killed her!  Everyone, he killed her, and then he ran away!”

    Shelby returned to testify against Joe once more.  “He has brought shame on his family.  He is a drunkard.  He is a waste of life.”

    Joe looked at his brothers, relieved they were on the jury.  Hoss and Adam were talking between themselves and they finally turned and looked at him.  Joe called out,  “Hoss, Adam, I wanna come home.  I wanna be with you again.”

    Hoss stood and said,  “You’re not my brother.  You make us all ashamed, Joe.  I don’t want you home.”

    Joe recoiled from the revelation, but Adam then stood,  “Joe, you should have listened to me, but you didn’t, and now look what you’ve done.  Look what you’ve done!  You’ve ruined our name.  You killed your girl and these people know it!”

    The crowd cheered as they heard the accusation.  Joe began to scan the audience looking for anyone sympathetic to his case.  There  was no one.  He looked to his attorney; his father.  He yelled,  “No, Pa! Tell them!  You said it was okay!”

    Ben looked at his son and shook his head no.  He said,  “Look Joe.  I never saw the blood before.  I never would have helped you if I had seen the blood.  You are not my son!

    “NO PA!  NO!”  YOU CAN”T LEAVE ME, PA!  DON’T BELIEVE IT!  PAPA! DON’T LEAVE ME!”

    Joe heard the Judge pronouncing him guilty and felt the rough hands of the deputies taking him away…

    “NO!  NO!”  Joe screamed as his father tried to wake him.  Joe was thrashing about, and it was very difficult to bring him back from the dream.  Ben wrestled with him until he heard Joe’s groggy voice say,  “Papa, don’t believe them.”  As he simultaneously opened his eyes.

    “You’re okay, son.  It’s just a bad dream.”  Ben comforted as he gathered his son into his arms.

    “Huh? Uh, oh geez!  Uh, yeah.  I uh, geez!”  Joe said disoriented.

    Ben could tell Joe was having a hard time shaking off the dream.  He held tight to his father and his breathing remained rapid.  “It was just a dream, Joe.  I’m here, son.  You need to just wake up and look at me.”

    Joe listened to his father and made himself focus on the man who had helped him through so many hurts and fears.  “Oh Pa, that was a bad one,  Real bad.  I don’t want that one again!”     “Wanna talk about it?”  Ben offered, hoping Joe would be open.  Joe looked at him and thought about it.  He decided to risk it.  He told his father the dream.  Ben realized how scared Joe was as the contents of the dream was revealed, and Joe began to shake.  Ben listened quietly and then said, “Son, you’re doubting our love.  You don’t need to do that.”

    Joe simply looked at his father and could not stop the shaking.  He wanted to believe his father, but he was so very afraid.  The ‘what ifs’ played heavy on his mind.  Joe said nothing after he recounted his dream.  Ben held him and talked to him, trying to calm his fears.  Joe feared the day he would have to see his love’s parents and then see his brothers.  He was not sure he could do it, and his dream scared him.  He looked at his father and saw his strength.  It made him calm.  He started to say over and over to himself,  “It was a dream.  Pa’s here.  He’s here .  Pa’s gonna be here, and I’ll be okay.”

    Eventually father and son fell asleep.  Ben woke to a sharp pain in his back, although it was still dark out.  He shifted and realized he was holding fast to his son, and Joe was holding on to him.  He thought of what had lead them to that scene and remembered the nightmare Joe had shared.  The nightmare scared Ben more than he would let Joe know, nor did it scare him for the same reasons it had scared Joseph.  It scared Ben because he worried about Joe going off to see the Larson’s by himself.  He truly believed Joe was not strong enough to do it alone and worried about the repercussions of his agreement to let Joe go.  He wondered if he should change his mind and tell Joe he would accompany him to the Larson’s.  He then looked at Joe’s sleeping face, and saw a young man who he knew in so many ways, and in other ways he had much to learn.

    The dream his son had experienced told Ben that Joe needed his father’s faith and trust.  Ben had to let that be the most important factor in his decision, although he was very wary of letting his son leave his presence.  He sat praying for his son and his decision as the sun rose and Joe eventually woke.
 
 

    The men hit Ponderosa land early and neither spoke much.  Joe focused on keeping the nightmare out of his head and Ben focused on trying not to blurt out to Joe that he would go with him to town.  They hit the crossing and pulled up their horses.  Joe momentarily thought of asking his father to go with him, but did not want to disappoint him by seeming to be weak.  He said,  “Well Pa.  I’ll cut off here and meet you at home.  I’ll see the Larson’s and then spend some time at the cemetery.  I’ll not be long.”

    Ben wanted to say,  “Joseph I am going with you and I’ll have no discussion about it.”  but he said,  “That’ll be fine, son.  Just come home as soon as you can.”

    “I will, Pa.  Bye.”  And with that, Joe kicked the bay mare hard and was off in a gallop.

    Ben sat on Buck watching Joe ride away.  He prayed this would not be his final memory of his son.  Ben said quietly to his son’s fleeting figure, “Son, I love you.  Come home to us, please.”
 
 

    Adam and Hoss were in the barn stacking hay.  They had wanted to stay near the ranch house because Joe and their father were due back anytime, and they wanted to be present when they rode up.  They heard the approach of a horse and ran out into the yard.  There was their father, but Joe was not with him. Both men quickly approached their father and talked over each other as they asked about Joe.

    Ben responded to their questions,  "Calm down.  Calm down.  Joe’s coming.  He went to town for a little while to see the Larsons, and go to the cemetery, and then he’ll be here."

    Hoss’s face looked devastated,  "Pa, you mean he’d go there before comin’ home to us?"

    "Oh son, it’s not like that.  It’s something he had to do so he could come home to us."  Ben tried to comfort his middle child.

    He prayed what he said was indeed the case.  Ben put his arms around his boys so grateful to see them.  He thought back to Joe’s revelations of the hurt and pain that had occurred in their lives, and he knew he would be doing a lot of talking with all of his boys to make sure their hurts were cared for.  "Come on let’s get in the house.  I’ve missed this place."

    Adam and Hoss exchanged looks with each other.  Adam had noticed his father looked exhausted.  Both men wondered what had happened while Ben had been gone.  They walked with their father into the house and were greeted by Hop Sing.  The cook’s face went from a broad smile to a scowl in a matter of seconds as Joe did not appear before him.  "Where Little Joe?  You not bring home?"

    "No, no Hop Sing he’s on his way.  He had to take care of something first." Ben answered.

    "You no should come back without Joe.  You bring him home."  Hop Sing barked back.

    "Everyone calm down!"  Ben said a little too forceful.  Their concern was making him more nervous.  He told himself he had to reassure them that Joe would return shortly.  He hoped they could not read his thoughts.  "Joe has had a lot of grieving to do, and he wanted to go and see Rebecca’s folks. He’s just fine and will be here soon."

    "Uh Pa, is he really okay?"  Adam asked seeing his father’s face showing some concern.

    "Let’s sit down and talk."  Ben said, motioning his boys to the sitting area.

    Hoss, Adam and even Hop Sing moved over and sat, waiting to hear how Joe was doing.  Ben cleared his throat and began,  "You all saw how Joe was when he left here.  Well he’s much better now.  That’s the important thing.  He ran away because he felt he could not handle his hurt, and he tried to make a life in Sacramento.  He re-injured his leg and ended up unable to travel for a while.  He also was very afraid to come home because of his memories of Rebecca.  When I found him he was very, uh, very upset still about Rebecca, and I had to wait until he was ready to come back home."

    Hoss started firing questions,  "But Pa, what was he doing there?  How did he hurt himself again?  Is his leg okay?"

    "Hoss, Joe’s leg is much better, and I think it will be fine."  Ben tried to tell his son what he wanted to know without telling him what Joe did not want known.  He was finding it difficult.

    Adam watched his father and could tell he was holding back.  "Pa, what are you not telling us?"

    Ben’s heart skipped.  He was not doing a good job of explaining.  "Listen boys, Joe doesn’t need you asking a lot of questions.  He’s still skittish and really needs to know how much we all love him.  He has had a very tough time handling all of this, and he is hurting.  He needs us to be supportive and understanding.  I’m asking you to not question him, just accept him back and love him.  That will help him the most."

    Both Hoss and Adam looked at their father a moment and realized no more would be coming regarding what had happened to Joe while he was gone from them. Adam thought he knew what his father was doing and accepted it.  He knew his father had done similar things to protect him before.  His father had kept some things from Hoss and Joe regarding some of his own experiences and began to realize this was what he was doing about Joe’s time in Sacramento.  He would respect his little brother’s privacy.

    "Well boys, Joe will be home soon so lets get some work done before that so we can spend the rest of the time with him."  Ben encouraged.  He knew he would need to keep himself busy in order to calm his own anxiety.
 
 

    Joe rode into Virginia City and up to the house he had visited so many times before.  He dismounted and stood looking at the front porch unable to move forward.  For a moment he flashed to sitting on the porch talking to Rebecca. It made him sad, so he pushed the memory away.  He held on to the hitching post as the front door opened.  It was Rebecca’s mother.

    "Joe?  Little Joe?  Is that really you?"  Maggie Larson called out and ran towards him.  She grabbed hold of him and hugged him tight.  "I heard a horse approach and looked out.  I can’t believe it’s you!  We were so worried."

    Joe was shocked by Mrs. Larson’s greeting.  It was not his nightmare at all. He had been standing stiff as Mrs. Larson hugged him, but started to let himself relax.  Mrs. Larson continued,  "Come on in here.  I’ve got some coffee and I just wanna talk to you for a while.  John’s home as well.  He’s just gonna be thrilled to see you."

    Joe allowed Mrs. Larson to escort him into the house.  He removed his hat as he crossed the threshold and entered the familiar parlor.  He looked around and felt his heart ache.  Rebecca was everywhere in that room.  He wanted to cry, but held back the tears.  Mrs. Larson motioned for him to sit and he did. Mr. Larson entered the room and seeing Joe standing before him smiled big and gave him a hug.  "Son, it’s so good to see you!  I’m so glad you came to see us.  Where have you been?"

    "Uh, I just had to get away for awhile."  Joe said feeling awkward.

    "We’re very happy you’re back, Joe.  We were all so worried."  Maggie stated as she poured coffee for everyone.

    "I’m sorry I upset everyone.  It’s just that it was really hard to, uh stay and, uh think about, her.  I really miss her."  Joe said and was unable to hold back the tears.

    Mrs. Larson moved over next to him on the couch and hugged him.  "Oh honey, I know.  I know.  I think of her every day.  I know how bad it hurts."

    Mr. Larson sat looking on as the tears formed in his eyes as well.  He knew of the pain and had found himself crying off and on every day since he had lost his daughter.  He looked at the young man who had loved his Rebecca and knew his daughter had been truly happy before her death.  He was thankful she had known love.

    Joe and Mrs. Larson sat crying together.  She gave him the comfort only a mother can give and Joe was free to let go and weep.  Finally Joe pulled back, closed his eyes and pulled himself together.  He said,  "Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Larson, that day you came to the ranch.  I’m sorry I said what I did to you. I know it wasn’t right."

    "Oh son, you haven’t worried about that have you?"  John asked.  "We understood and didn’t blame you at all.  We if anyone know how you felt."

    "Well it wasn’t right what I said and I am sorry.  Bec would’ve…"  Joe stopped unsure if he should talk about her.

    "What Joe?  Bec would’ve what?"  Maggie encouraged.

    "Uh, well she would’ve been mad at me for that."

    Maggie smiled as she thought of her daughter reprimanding Joe.  They had been so good together.  "Well I happen to know Rebecca would have understood.  She loved you so much, Joe.  Oh, by the way, there is something here I’ve been wanting to give you.  Let me go get it."

    As Maggie went to retrieve the gift, Joe looked at Mr. Larson and spoke,  "Mr. Larson I want you to know I’ll take good care of Marc Antony for Rebecca.  I know she loved that horse and I didn’t mean to tell you to shoot him."

    "Well you just take good care of him, and Rebecca will be very happy.  You know, the night you proposed and gave that horse to her?  After you two came back from the dance and you left, she spent half the night in the barn talking to that horse.  I had to threaten her with not being allowed to ride him if she didn’t get in the house."

    Joe smiled at what he had heard.  He was so happy that she had liked the horse and enjoyed hearing about what she had done after he had left that night.  "I uh really liked givin’ him to her."

    Before Mr. Larson could respond, Maggie reentered the room.  She walked over and sat next to Joe once more.  Maggie said with tears,  "Joe, she would want you to have this." She handed him a small book with a lock on it.  Joe looked at it knowing instantly what it was.  It was Rebecca’s diary.

    "You want me to have this?"  Joe was shocked.

    "Yes, I do and I know she would want that.  After all, my guess is it is all about you anyway."

    "I, I don’t know what to say.  Thank you.  Are you sure you don’t want it?"

    "No Joe.  The things written in there belong to the one she loved.  It’s yours."

    "I’ll take really good care of it."  Joe said holding it close and feeling the tears again.

    "I know you will.  You took such good care of her.  You were perfect for her and I’m very sorry I don’t get to have you as a son.  Joe, I’d like for you to come see us every once in a while.  I love to talk about Rebecca, and I’d like to be able to do that with you sometimes."

    Joe realized it felt good to be there with Rebecca’s parents.  It hurt, but then again he could talk about her and hear about her life.  He knew he needed to spend time with them to help himself heal.  "I think I’d like that too."

    Joe stayed and talked a while longer, but found himself anxious to look through the diary.  He eventually said his good byes and headed out of town towards the cemetery.

    As he rode he opened the diary and saw Rebecca’s handwriting.  Her writing was delicate and he ran his finger over it wanting to feel her words.  The inside of the front cover had her name written in cursive.  He saw as he looked through the diary the handwriting changed from that of a child’s to a more mature script.  He smiled.  He turned to a random page and read.  From the date of the entry Rebecca would have been sixteen.

Dear Diary,
He has no idea I even exist as anything other than his friend.  What do I have to do?  I tried to tell him how I felt but all he wanted to do was talk to Richard about Sarah.  Boy sometimes I have no idea why I love him so much.

Joe smiled as he read because he could hear her speak to him.  He continued to flip through the book finding entries that caught his eye.  His eyes landed on a very early entry from a young Rebecca.

Dear Diary,
Today we played pirates.  At first they weren’t gonna let me play cause I’m a girl, but I shoved David down real hard and told all of them I thought they were mean.  Joe said I could play, but I had to be the cook.  I told him he could just go soak his head.  He said I could be a pirate too and we played and played all day long.  It was fun.  I hope we play again.

 He thought of those times they had played pirates and sat daydreaming as his horse slowly walked down the road.  It had been so fun to play for hours with his friends and pirates was his favorite scenario.  He could spend hours playing and dreaming of different episodes from the pirate stories he had read about.

He turned to another entry.

Dear Diary,
Joe came over today and he said it!  I LOVE YOU!  He said it!  And he kissed me again. I can’t believe it!  He actually loves me.  Oh diary, I have loved him for so long, and I never thought he would feel the same!  He kisses so wonderfully!  He’s so handsome, and I just love him so much I could just scream.  I can’t wait to see him again.  I hope he’ll kiss me many, many more times.  Oh how am I ever gonna sleep tonight?  I wonder what he’s doing right now!

As Joe read, he felt himself first laughing at what Rebecca had written, and then he felt sad once more.  The day he had told her he had loved her had started the happiest time in his life.  His mind went to how it had ended, and he wiped away a tear.

Joe looked up and realized as he had been reading his horse had almost passed the cemetery road.  He closed the book and kicked the horse into a gallop down the short road to the cemetery.  He dismounted and walked once more over to Rebecca’s grave.  He reread the headstone and then sat in front of it.  He opened the diary once more and began to read.  He felt so close to her as he sat reading.  He smiled at times and once in a while laughed out loud at Rebecca’s entries.  He saw his name on the pages throughout and realized how long Rebecca had loved him.

He read the first entry.

Dear Diary,
Pa has moved us to this place and I hate it.  It’s just awful.  I like our old house better.  I have to go to school tomorrow.  I bet there is no one nice there.  I hate it here.

He continued to read through and found an account of his time with Rebecca documented on the pages.  She had written about so many things they had shared.

Dear Diary,
I went to the Harvest dance and danced with David a couple of times.  He kept stepping on my feet and now they hurt.  Joe showed up with his brothers and he danced with I think every girl there but me.  He even danced with Glory Swain, that fat cow.

Dear Diary,
I am really mad right now.  Joe has just made me so mad I can’t stand it.  He sits and tells me he is going to be gone for a month on a cattle drive and it is during my birthday.  Oh I hate cows and Joe being gone.  He is the one I wanted most at my party.  Will he ever figure it out?

Joe laughed out loud as he read Rebecca’s entries and realized he had no idea how she had felt for so long.  She had been good at hiding her feelings from him.  He wished she had not hid them so well.  He wished for all the times he was reading about back once more.

As Joe went through reading the diary, he found an entry that touched him deeply and he knew he had truly gotten to hear from Rebecca.

Dear Diary,
I just got back from the Cartwright’s, and I have never been so afraid in my whole life.  Joe was attacked by some crazy woman and hurt real bad.  I was so glad I got there in time to shoot the woman, but he was hurt bad.  I was so scared when I took him back to the ranch.  I really thought he was going to die.  He was bleeding so bad.  I told him I loved him then.  I have no idea what I would do if I lost him.  I know I want him to love me the way I love him, but I realized something today.  I realized that I just want him alive and my friend, even if I could have nothing else.  I got so scared at losing him.  What would I do?  I’ve gotten so used to having him around and being my friend.  I know I will ALWAYS love him, but now I know I can be happy with just that.  I just want him happy and alive.  If that is all I can have it is enough.

Joe read the entry over and over, as the tears flowed.  He looked at the headstone as if to look at her.  He said aloud,  "Rebecca, I love you.  I love you so much.  I needed this, and it is like you knew.  You always knew ‘bout me.  I would give anything, everything to have you with me.  I want you to know that.  If I could choose, I want you to know it wouldn’t take any thinkin’ at all.  I’d just scoop you up in my arms and never let you go.  You’ll always be in my heart.  You are my Bec, and there will be no other like you… Rebecca, I’ll do it.  I’ll go on, and I’ll make you proud of me.  But I want you to know I will treasure my time with you forever.  I’ll never forget us and I’ll never lose you completely.  Thank you for your words."

Joe sat a while longer and as he reached the end of the diary, he saw there were some blank pages in the back.  The final entry in the diary read…

Dear Diary,
The wedding is getting closer and I can’t wait!  I am so excited to be Joe’s wife.  I have so much to do, and Joe has been so sweet about the whole thing. He has been spoiling me rotten, and I admit I like it, but I am going to be right beside him making our home and family.  I want to help him with everything.  I can’t wait for our own place and to have our own family.  I will get to have him all to myself!  It has gotten harder and harder to say good bye every time at the end of being together.  I hope I can make him happy in every way.  I’m kind of nervous about some of that but I know Joe will help me with every thing.  He is such a good man.  I cannot wait!

Joe stood and walked over to his horse.  He opened his saddlebag and dug around in it.  He pulled out a pen and some ink and walked back over to Rebecca’s grave.  He sat down, opened the diary to the back and started writing.  He sat for over an hour as the words poured from him, and he wrote to his Rebecca.  He let himself cry as he talked to her.  After Joe finished writing, he tore the pages from the diary.  He then dug down deep into the ground over Rebecca’s grave and placed the pages in the hole.  He covered pages with dirt and patted the ground down firm.

Joe then ran his hands over the headstone.  He knew he wished there was some acknowledgment that he had loved her on the stone, but it was more important that Rebecca knew he loved her and it was evident from her diary she had known.  That was really all he had needed.

Although he was reluctant to leave, he knew he had to return home.  He eventually stood, walked to his horse and mounted.  He looked once more at the headstone and then turned and rode towards home.
 
 

    Ben was trying not to pace back and forth.  He grew more nervous as each minute passed and there were no hoof beats.  He tried to hide his worries from his sons and Hop Sing but he was finding it difficult.  After the work around the ranch house had finished, Hoss had stayed outside and was meticulously grooming Cochise.  Adam had moved over to his favorite chair and was pretending to read.  He had actually read the same paragraph numerous times as he periodically looked up at his father.  He saw the worry on his father’s face and wondered if there was a chance Joe was not coming home to them.  As the time passed Adam too began to worry.  He did not know what exactly was going on, but he knew it had been quite a while since his father had ridden into the yard and still there was no sign of his little brother.

    Hop Sing busied himself in the kitchen.  He wanted a feast for his family when Joe returned.  He worked hard at preparing the dinner and making sure he had cookies baking in the oven.  He could not have the youngest Cartwright returning home without his favorite dessert.  As Hop Sing worked, he too looked out the window often wondering what was keeping Little Joe.  He knew he would not be truly happy until he could dote over Joe, making him comfortable. He knew he was doing his job well when Joe would fuss and tell him he was bothering him.  Joe’s fussing always made Hop Sing’s heart happy. It meant the boy was happy and content.

    Ben could finally stand it no longer and he headed out to the barn.  He thought of saddling Buck and heading into town.  He saw Hoss rubbing Cochise and the gleam that rose from her coat.  He smiled at how lovingly his son tended his brother’s horse.  "Hoss, Cochise looks beautiful.  You really have kept her up nice.  Joe will be so happy to see her looking so well."

    "Awe Pa.  I’m just gettin’ her the way Joe always keeps her."  Hoss said.

    "Well she looks great, and Joe will be very happy."  Ben replied.  He walked over to the back of the barn and looked at the road to the Ponderosa.  He held his breath.  On the road was Joseph, his horse stopped.  Joe had the horse standing perpendicular to the road and his head was down.  Ben wanted to panic.  He saw his son so close, but he worried that Joe was not going to turn the horse towards the house.  He watched and thought,  "Come on, Joe.  Come on, son.  Come home.  We are all ready.  Just turn the horse and head home."

    Joe was waiting to reread the diary once more before he rode the final steps to the house.  He loved the words on the page and had started to reread as soon as he had begun his ride back home.  He let himself smile, laugh and cry. He loved her words as he had loved her and knew this book would remain forever special.  He finished and turned the horse towards home.  He was returning to his former life and the people who loved him.  He prayed his father had kept his word and kept his secret.  If he had not, Joe was not sure what he was riding into.  He was ready to face what he had to, but prayed it was open arms.

    Ben saw Joe turn his horse towards the house and quickly left the barn.  He did not want his son knowing he had doubted him at all.  He wanted Joe to be able to hold his head up and experience the love of his family.

    The hoof beats were heard by Hoss in the barn, and Ben had no more reached to close the house door when he heard Joe arrive.  Hoss ran from the barn and saw Joe dismounting.  He grabbed his brother before he reached the ground and hugged him tight.  "Joe, you’re home!  You’re here!  You’re really here!"

    Joe felt himself taken from the horse and was engulfed in his brother’s arms. He felt the strong grasp of Hoss and knew he was truly loved.  He saw his bother’s face and smiled.  He felt a fear leave him as he felt his brother’s love.  As Hoss’s grasp did not loosen, Joe began to gasp,  "Hoss, I can’t breathe!"

    Hoss heard the words and let his grasp loosen, but not much.  At that moment he felt as if he would never want to let his little bother out of his reach. Ben and Adam had run out of the house at the sound of the horse approaching and saw the sight in the yard.  Joe was off the ground being embraced by his brother.  Hoss spun Joe around a few times and finally let him down.

    Joe was thoroughly  thrilled with Hoss’s greeting.  He had so many fears, and as he felt Hoss’s love, he realized Hoss would love him regardless.  He said, "Hoss, it’s so good to see you.  I missed you!"  Joe said and smiled as strongly as he could.

    Hoss noticed that although Joe looked much better than he had before he had left the Ponderosa, there was still something missing form his little brother. His smile gave it away.  He also saw his brother was much thinner than he had ever seen him, but Hoss knew he could make sure that was taken care of.  He just worried about the other.  Joe looked sad, and that in turn made Hoss sad also.

    Joe turned from Hoss and saw his big brother.  He looked at him for a moment, afraid of what Adam may say.  Adam reached out and took Joe in his arms.  The gesture touched Joe so deeply he began to cry once more.  He stayed in Adam’s arms feeling the love of his brother.  He had worried about his oldest brother’s reaction to him, and he had felt the love.  Joe held tight to Adam for a moment, so relieved his dream had not come true.  Adam noticed Joe’s grasp and was overjoyed Joe was happy to see him.  He said,  "I missed you little buddy.  I really did.  I just want you okay."

    Joe finally allowed himself to pull away.  The tears were streaming down his face as he looked at his brothers.  He was relieved, elated, and overwhelmed. He felt they loved him, and he would use it to grow stronger.  He finally looked past them to his father.  He saw tears running down his father’s face, and he smiled at him.  He walked over and hugged the man he loved so very much.  He said quietly, so only he and his father heard,  "Papa, you were right.  I love you."

    Joe’s family escorted him into the house.  He paused at the door and asked loudly,  "Where is he?  Where’s Hop Sing?"

    Hop Sing ran around the corner at the sound of the youngest Cartwright’s voice.  Joe grabbed him, hugged him and swung him around.  Joe said, "I missed you my friend."

    Hop Sing, always one to maintain order said,  "Joseph Cartwright!  Put me down.  You be bad boy now!"  Hop Sing said in Cantonese so only Joe knew, "You stop!  Joe you quit now,  I talk later."

    The family laughed as Joe lowered his friend to the ground.  "I’m sorry Hop Sing.  I just missed you s’all."

    "Well Hop Sing busy.  Very busy.  Little Joe think he can come and go all the time.  I have supper to prepare.  Have cookie to bake."

    Hop Sing’s answer made Joe smile.  It was so typical for his friend to not show emotion in front of others, but Joe had seen Hop Sing upset many times and knew he and his friend had shared many secrets together.  Joe winked at his friend, and Hop Sing acknowledged it with a nod.  Joe smiled at him and Hop Sing smiled back.  Hop Sing thought to himself,  "My boy is home."  He quickly returned to the kitchen.

    The remainder of the evening was spent with Adam and Hoss filling Ben and Joe in on the running of the ranch.  No one broached the subject of the time Joe was in Sacramento, and Joe grew more comfortable.  His mind would trail off at times to other times and other places, and his family would feel him leave mentally.  They would watch, and he would return eventually.  Ben had grown used to a pensive Little Joe, so he did not react as much as Hoss or Adam.

    Hop Sing beamed as he served dinner, and everyone ate heartily.  Joe had noticed Hop Sing had made Sunday dinner for his return.  It was chicken and dumplings and all the fixings.  Joe knew Hop Sing had worked hard to prepare the meal, and he would have to thank him later.  Adam and Hoss tried to get Joe to eat more, because his thinness scared them.  He knew his family was worried, the way they fussed over him, and he found it to be loving on their part.  He ate as much as he could and then pushed away from the table.  He looked at Hoss taking another helping and had no idea how he did it.

    The family retired to the great room and they tried to settle into their normal pattern , but it felt awkward, and no one felt at peace.  Finally, Joe suggested he had Hoss settle into their nightly checkers ritual, and it was as if the house breathed a sigh of relief.  It was a quieter game than most, and Hoss won more than usual, but the family started to relax.  Finally, Joe started to yawn several times, and he knew he was not long for the game.  He soon told everyone he was tired and went upstairs to turn in.

    Upon entering his room, Joe walked to his saddlebag that had been thrown on the bed.  He pulled out Rebecca’s diary and rubbed his hands over it once more.  He then walked to his dresser and opened the top drawer.  He reached in and pulled out another book, his mother’s diary.  His father had given the book to him a year ago and it was one of his greatest treasures.  Joe walked to his bookshelf and pulled out the book he had placed the wedding invitation in.  He reread the invitation and then placed it in Rebecca’s diary.  He then returned to his dresser and placed the two books together in the drawer.  He then got undressed and climbed into bed.  He was quickly asleep.

    As soon as they heard Joe’s door shut, Hoss and Adam were wanting to know more from their father.  Adam knew better than to ask, but Hoss asked.  "Pa, he’s been through somethin’.  I just feel it.  I know he’s sad.  I see it, and it bothers me, Pa.  Does he know we’re here.  Pa, tell him."

    "Oh Hoss, he knows.  I’ve told him.  He loves you Hoss.  You know it.  We just have to be here for him.  He’s better than when he left, and he just needs time."  Ben reassured.

    Eventually the rest of the Cartwrights turned in and the Ponderosa slept quietly.  Ben woke well before daybreak and wondered what had stirred him.  He sat listening and heard nothing.  He had grown accustomed to waking with his child and wondered if that was the reason.  He listened for Joseph but heard nothing.  He did not know if his child needed him or not, but he rose to go to him out of instinct.

    Ben walked down the hall and saw a lamp light in his youngest’s room.  He rounded the corner to see Hoss sitting in a chair watching Joe sleep.  He immediately thought Joe had been crying out, but then he looked at his child in bed and saw him wrapped in blankets, only his head visible.  Ben whispered, "Has he cried out?  Is he okay?" Hoss whispered to his father,

    "Pa, I came in and the blankets were down.  I pulled them up, and he didn’t move."

    "What are you doing here, Hoss?"  Ben whispered his question.

    "I couldn’t sleep, Pa.  He’s home, and I just wanna watch him some.  Pa, I don’t want him goin’ again.  I missed him."

    Ben’s heart broke for his son.  He had known how close his two youngest were and saw the pain that Hoss had endured.  He said,  "Hoss, you tell him 'bout your love for him.  Don’t just let it be.  Tell him.  Joe loves you so much, and he has to know how you love him."

    As they whispered another joined them.  Adam came to Joe’s door assuming he would be alone in his attempt to check on his little brother.  He saw his brother and father talking quietly.  “Is he okay?”  Adam asked the concern on his face showing.

    “He’s fine, son.  I think it is us who are not doing well.  Boys, Joe’s home and he’s going to stay.  We need to trust him and get things back to normal as soon as possible.  So lets all go to bed.”

    No one moved even after Ben had suggested they go to bed, and the three men stayed much of the remainder of the night watching Joe sleep.
 
 

    The Ponderosa stopped her waiting when Joe returned home.  Although it was late fall and winter was approaching, the land was awake and alive once more.  Joe found himself quickly falling into his old routine, and he grew stronger.  His leg allowed him more and more freedom with each passing day.  He pronounced it healed when he was finally able to sit a bucking horse and return to his responsibilities of managing the Ponderosa horses.

    When he first returned to the ranch, Joe was much quieter than his brothers were used to, but he eventually began to be restored to his former self.  In the beginning he took long rides to his mother’s grave with the diaries and would sit and read.  As time passed though, the rides became less frequent as Joe began to be more busy and had less time to himself.  He was relieved that the final dream on the trail never returned, and he had been free of nightmares since.

    He eventually made himself round up Marc Antony and meticulously groomed the horse.  He knew he had come far in his recovery when he was able to saddle the palomino and ride him.  He rode the horse only once, but was pleased he was able to do it and think of Rebecca.  After riding him, Joe once more groomed the animal and placed him in the stall next to Cochise.  He knew he would always keep the horse.

    Ben watched Joe’s recovery and saw his son coming back more and more.  He was glad when he had to reprimand Joe for tracking in mud from the yard.  It was much more the way it used to be.  Ben saw Joe opening up and relaxing.  He knew his son still cried for Rebecca, but the deep sadness appeared to have lifted.  He thanked God often for keeping his youngest safe and bringing him home.  He just wished he could see Joe fully restored.  He wanted the lightheartedness of his son back.  It would not be long before Ben would get his wish.

    Ben stood out in the yard enjoying the day.  He had finished recording the long list of branding records and was wanting a break before returning to more work.  He looked over to the barn and saw Joe up on a ladder touching up the paint on the barn.  He watched his son work, so grateful to see him alive and well.  He realized he had enjoyed the long talks he had experienced with him and felt he had found a wonderful person in his youngest.

    Hoss and Adam rode into the yard and dismounted their horses.  They spoke briefly with their father and then walked towards the barn.  Joe had the ladder positioned in such a way that they would have to walk under where he was working in order to enter the barn.  Ben watched as Adam and Hoss walked towards Joe and saw a very mischievous look come over Joe’s face.  He had not seen that look in months, and he smiled himself.  He knew what was coming and stood watching attentively.

    As Hoss and Adam passed under the ladder Joe grinned and pushed over the can of paint.  Paint showered down on the two.  Hoss and Adam let out a shout and stood momentarily frozen.  That gave Joe time to jump from the ladder and start running.  He headed straight for his father giggling uncontrollably.  “Pa save me!”  He said through his laughter.

    Ben stood shaking his head no and trying not to laugh.  Joe then ran passed him towards the door to the house.  Ben’s voice boomed as he said,  “Not in the house!”

    Joe never slowed as he quickly turned to head around the back of the house.  As he ran he said,  “Pa, don’t tell, ‘em where I am.”

    Hoss and Adam were wiping paint from their faces and were ready to deal with their little brother.  Hoss yelled out “Dadburn your ornery hide Joe!  Wait till I get my hands on you!”

    Adam and Hoss ran after Joe, and as they approached their father Ben simply pointed to the back of the house.  They took off running.  Ben heard them catch Joe, and Joe’s screaming protests through his laughter.  He then saw as all three came back around the corner with Hoss carrying Joe.

    “Pa, help!”  Joe called out.

    Ben shook his head no and continued to watch.

    “Come on guys, it was an accident!  I didn’t see ya there, really!”

    “Yeah, Joe we really believe that.”  Adam said as the neared the barn.  “Hoss, baby brother here was not doing too good of a job painting.  Look he missed a whole lot.  We’ll just help him out.  Hoss hold him tight.”

    Joe saw Adam reach for the paint brush and the can of paint.  Adam ran the brush through the remaining paint, and then looked at Joe and smiled.  Adam said devilishly, “This will be fun.”

    Joe’s protests escalated and he squirmed in Hoss’s arms,  “NO!  NO!  NO!”

    Ben watched and laughed.  He saw all three of his boys were laughing as Adam thoroughly covered Joe in paint.  He then realized what he was seeing before him.  Tears formed in his eyes, but they were tears of joy. He looked to Heaven and said “Thank you.  My Joseph is back.”

Author’s Note
There is no way I could have embarked on this journey of writing Lost and Found without some incredible people encouraging and supporting me throughout.  First and foremost I must thank my loving and very patient husband.  He tolerated me being in front of the computer endless hours, talked plot line with me, and read the story as I wrote it.  He is the best.

I found some very wonderful friends along the journey and am so grateful for their love and support.  There are two people who I have relied and depended upon daily to support and encourage me,  Judy Lott and Karen Conn.  You two kept me going, and the laughter we have shared has been so wonderful.  I know I have found life long friends.

I thank Libby Moore for giving me the courage to “go for it” and risk making the story real.  You truly gave me guts!  I am so glad I bounced the idea off of you.

I thank the Little Joe List for being so kind with their words and for allowing me to share this story with them.  I have found sisters for sure!