The wagon wheel spun quietly in the air.  There was no noise other than the sound of birds singing and the rustle of leaves in the intermittent breeze.  A horse, free of it's harness and rigging, grazed nearby.  The early evening was beautiful, but the young lovers were unable to enjoy it.  Slowly the sun went behind the hillside, and the birds quieted for the evening.

    John and Maggie Larson became slightly concerned when six o'clock came and went and there was no sign of their daughter or Little Joe.  By seven they were worried.  John decided to go to the sheriff when the clock in the parlor struck eight.  He was not sure what to think.  In the entire time Joe and Rebecca had courted, Joe had never brought her home late.  As a matter of fact, the young man usually made it a point to make sure they were back early.  John knew there was something wrong, and his gut said it was bad.

    At the Ponderosa, Ben failed to noticed Joe wasn't home when he entered the house around six.  Hoss and Adam were in the great room discussing the need to move part of the herd to a larger water source.  Ben listened to his boys and found himself feeling quite proud they could run the place so well.  He quickly joined in the conversation and the work plans for the week were formed.  Hop Sing appeared from the kitchen to notify them that supper was ready.  It was then that Ben realized his youngest wasn't around.  He told Hop Sing to hold the meal in hopes that Joe would materialize.  The angry cook hurried back to his kitchen muttering in Cantonese.  When time continued to pass, Ben assumed that Joe had perhaps stayed to eat at the Larson's, and he and his two oldest sons sat down to supper.  Ben thought of scolding Joseph, but decided that his son was simply in love and enjoying being with Rebecca.  He would let it go this time.

    Hank, Cory, and Remo, all hands on the Ponderosa, decided to ride into town that evening to burn off a little steam.  Being a new moon, they rode cautiously due to the darkness.  Hank, the more senior ranch hand, was the first to notice there was something in the middle of the road, but in the darkness he could not make it out.  As they approached, the form took shape.  It was an overturned buckboard.  The men pulled up their horses and dismounted.  They quickly began to look for anyone who may have been injured.  Hank walked around what would have been the front of the wagon and saw a horse lying dead.  Although it was dark, he thought he recognized the rigging on the animal.  He knelt down and felt for the animal's brand.  It had the pinetree brand of the Ponderosa.  This was a Ponderosa rig.  He continued to move around and saw a body, laying on it's side, pinned under the wagon.  He knelt down and felt a pulse, but was unable to make out the identity of the injured person.

    "Cory, Remo, someone's here, and they're still alive."  Hank yelled to his two friends.  "He looks like he's hurt pretty bad.  Come on and help me move this off of 'em."

    The three men worked to unhitch the dead horse and move the buckboard.  They found it difficult to move the wagon off of the person pinned below without the possibility of causing further injury.  The process proved to be painfully slow.  The injured man made no movement as the three worked together.  In what seemed like an eternity, the wagon was finally removed, the man freed.

    "Either of you got a match?"  Hank asked.  Remo quickly produced one from his vest pocket and handed it over.  Hank knelt down and lit the match by the unconscious man's face.  "Oh, my God!"  he said under his breath.  "It's Joe Cartwright.  Cory, you ride into town  We'll need a buckboard or wagon, some torches and uh, anything else you can think of.  Remo, ride back to the main house.  Get Mr. Cartwright out here."

    The two followed the orders given.  They were quite used to doing as Hank told them on the ranch, and this situation seemed no different.  Both rode hard and fast to their destinations.  Hank remained at the accident and began to attended to his boss's son who lay unconscious.  Hank checked and rechecked to make sure Joe was breathing.  He then felt over Joe's head and found warm, sticky fluid on his hands.  Due to the darkness, Hank was unable to see the extent of the injury, but he knew what he felt was blood.

    He thought he'd try and see if he could get Joe to wake.  "Hey, Joe.  It's me, Hank. Can you hear me?"  There was no success.

    Hank continued to check over Joe's body to see if there was anything he could do to help while he waited for the others to return.  He felt over Joe's arms and found nothing unusual.  He began to run his hand down Joe's right leg when he quickly pulled it back.  He got a sick feeling in his stomach and knew Joe was indeed badly injured.

    Cory had already reached town while Remo was only half way to the main house.  Cory was riding quickly and almost ran into Sheriff Coffee and John Larson as he rounded a corner.

    "Whoa, where you goin' so quick?"  Roy questioned.

    "Sheriff."  Cory began, almost out of breath from the hard ride.  "There's been an accident up the road.  A buckboard flipped over.  It's Joe Cartwright, sir.  He's hurt, and I gotta go get a wagon or something to bring him in."

    Upon hearing this, John quickly asked, "Joe Cartwright?  Was my daughter with him?"

    "We didn't see nobody else.  The accident's straight out that road.  Hank's still there with Joe."  With that, Cory rode towards the livery stable.

    John and Roy quickly rode in the direction where Cory had pointed.  They too, saw a dark mass in the road as they approached.  Roy called out,  "Hank? Hank you here?"

    "Over here, Roy."  Hank called, recognizing the sheriff’s voice.

    Both men ran to where Hank sat next to Joe.  "How is he?"  Roy asked.

    "Uh...don't really know.  I think it's bad though.  His leg's real bad."  Hank said, as he felt a new wave of sickness at the thought of what his hand had touched.

    Have you seen my daughter?"  John asked, beginning to feel desperate.

    "I haven't seen anyone but Joe. Was someone else supposed to be here?"

    John began to look around the wagon.  He felt frustrated because the darkness was thick and impaired his vision.  Roy searched with him.  Their efforts were futile until Cory returned with the buckboard and some torches.  Quickly lighting the torches, Roy and John were able to see much more.  It was John who saw his daughter and ran to her calling her name.  Rebecca lay to the side of the road like a discarded rag doll, her head turned unnaturally to the side.  Her breathing had ended as soon as her body had hit the ground.

    "Dear God, No!"  John screamed.  He picked up his lifeless daughter's body in his arms and held her close.  "Not my baby girl!  Rebecca!"  John sobbed.  Roy was quickly by John's side and stood feeling helpless as John rocked back and forth with his daughter.  It was a motion John had done many times when Rebecca was a baby.

    It took some time for Roy to convince John to let go of Rebecca and place her on the buckboard beside Joe.  Hank and Cory had worked carefully to lift Joe onto the buckboard for the short ride to the doctor's office.  As Hank drove the wagon, John sat in the back with his daughter and her fiancee.  He held his daughter's hand and cried openly as he looked at the two still forms laying beside one another.

    This was the last time the lovers would be together.

    Remo arrived at the main house and began calling for Mr. Cartwright before he reached the door.  Ben had been sitting by the fire enjoying his pipe and looking at a week old newspaper.  Adam was rereading a book he often enjoyed, and Hoss was trying to entertain himself by rebraiding a pair of reins.  All three men rose to the call from outside, and Adam was the first to the door. Opening it, he saw Remo standing there, getting ready to knock.

    "Remo, what is it?  What's wrong?"  Adam asked, after seeing the concerned look on the ranch hand's face.

    "Adam, Hoss, Mr. Cartwright, it's Joe.  There's been a bad accident on the road into town.  The buckboard's turned.  Joe's been hurt."  A look of fear crossed each man's face.

    "Boy's quick, saddle up."  Ben gave the order and there was no hesitation in his sons.  Soon the Cartwright's began the long ride to town and to Joe.  All three ran their horses as quickly as they dared.  They came upon the accident, but there was no sign of people, only the mass of wagon and a dead horse.  They continued into town to Doctor Martin's office.

    Ben barely brought Buck to a stop before he was off the horse and headed into the office.  Although it was the middle of the night, the office was brightly lit.  He quickly pushed through the door and looked around the waiting area.  No one was present, but he heard crying and voices in a room off to the side. Ben looked toward the voices.  He was taken aback when he saw a body with a sheet over it.  He swallowed hard and closed his eyes.  "No, please no, not Joseph!"  he prayed.

    Adam and Hoss followed closely behind and were stricken with the same sight as their father.  At that moment, the people belonging to the voices emerged from the side room.  Ben saw Maggie and John Larson standing before him, both had tears streaming down their face.  Suddenly, Ben felt faint. He managed to get out only one word, "Whose...?"

    "Ben, it's Rebecca."  John said quickly, after seeing his friend go pale.  "She's dead."

    Ben walked quickly to his friends, and the three embraced.  He continued to say over and over, "I'm so sorry."

    "Ben, there's more."  John spoke through his own pain.  "Joe's hurt real bad.  The Doc needs to see you right away.  He asked that you let him know as soon as you got here.  He's in there with Joe."  John pointed to a room with a closed door next to the one where his daughter lay.

    Ben immediately entered through the door to go to his son.  He did not bother to close it, and Adam and Hoss followed behind.  He saw his youngest son laying on the table and Doctor Martin with his back to the door working.  The Doctor turned around and seemed relieved that Joe's family had arrived.  "Ben, am I glad you’re here."

    When the doctor moved, it gave Ben full view of his son.  He saw Joe's right pant's leg had been cut away exposing a most gruesome sight.  The thigh bone of his son's right leg was showing through the skin.

    "Ben, Joe's leg's really bad.  I need your permission to amputate."  The doctor explained.

    "What?  Amputate?"  Ben asked, unsure if he'd heard right.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so.  The bone has been exposed to the air, and the chance of infection is just too great to risk.  Joe could easily develop gangrene, and it could kill him.  The safest thing to do is to amputate."

    Ben couldn't believe they were even talking of this.  "There's no other way?  You can't help him without taking his leg?"

    "There's no other way that isn't risky to Joe's life.  Ben, you know me, I am going to do what saves lives.  I don't think you can afford the gamble."

    Ben didn't know what to do.  He could not think clearly.  It was too overwhelming.  The decision was full of risks.  He was at a loss for an answer.  "I've gotta think Paul.  It would kill Joe if he couldn't walk, I know that."

    "Pa, we can't risk Joe's life."  Adam pointed out, concerned his father would even contemplate risking gangrene.

    Hoss heard his brother's words and a cold shiver went through him.  He looked at his little brother's face, still covered with blood.  Hoss knew Adam was right, but he also knew Joe may not be able to live with that decision.

    "Adam, Hoss, you two stay with your brother.  I need to think."  Ben said and walked out.   Ben began to walk, and soon found himself at the church.  He went inside, and sat in a back pew and began to pray.  He needed guidance, and this was where he found it most.  After praying for the right decision, he sat back and began to remember.

    The first pictures which came to him were of a tiny Joseph holding his mother's hands and taking some of his first steps.  Joe had begun to learn to walk while Ben was away from the ranch.  Marie had welcomed her husband home by walking his youngest son to him.  The memory made him smile.  The next picture in his mind was of a six year old Little Joe running through the door, slamming it loudly and proudly announcing to his father he'd finally chased down a steer and put a rope around it.  More pictures of his son's activities began to flood his memory:  Joe on Cochise riding like the wind;  Joe running from his brother's as they chased him after one of his practical jokes; Joe training a wild horse, putting it through its paces; Roy Coffee coming to Ben and telling him Joe was going to have to slow down when he rode through town; Joe and Rebecca dancing.

    Rebecca... such a vital and beautiful girl.  Such a blessing for Joseph.  How was Ben going to be able to tell Joe?  How was his son going to be able to handle this news and the pain?  The fond memories of his active son left Ben's mind and all thoughts focused on the loss Joe was going to experience.  Ben knew the pain of losing someone he loved only too well.  He had prayed his sons would never experience that kind of pain, but here it was.  Joseph, the child he felt was already the most emotionally vulnerable, was going to have to feel a pain that was greater than any other Ben had ever experienced.  Ben wasn't sure how he himself had survived it and he had no idea how he could help his son get through it.  Why had this happened?  Rebecca dead?  Joe could still die or be a cripple?  How had things gone from so good to this?  Why?  It was then he realized that he could not let Joe lose everything.  He could not let Paul take Joe's independence too.  He felt he had his answer, and he returned to Dr. Martin's office.

    "Paul, I've made my decision.  I want you to try and save Joe's leg."  Ben said with a determined look.

    "This is just foolishness!"  Paul exclaimed.  "Ben you are risking his life. Do you not understand this?!  I won't do it!"

    Hoss and Adam had heard their father's decision and both were shocked.  "Pa, Joe could die." Hoss said, his fear evident in his words.  Hoss really wanted the doctor to be able to save Joe's leg.  However, he was torn between what he knew could happen to Joe if the doctor didn't amputate, and what could happen to Joe if he did.

    "Joseph is MY son, MINE!"  Ben felt desperate.  He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to keep Joe from more loss, but he had to try.  "I have made the decision, and I want you to carry out my wishes, end of discussion!  Hoss, you and Adam both know your brother.  I will not have him lose Rebecca and his leg too.  That cannot be."

    "Pa, that doesn't make any sense!" Adam couldn't believe what he was hearing.  His father was speaking as if the outcome of this decision could be controlled.

    "I have to do this!  He won't survive if he loses both!"  Ben tried to get them to see his point.

    "Pa, that's crazy.  You're not thinking straight.  We can get him through it. Joe can still have a very good life."  Adam attempted to get his father to listen to reason.

    "Paul, surely you know of something that can be done.  Something you can try."  Ben was wanting to encourage the doctor to try and think of anything that may help Joseph.

    "There has been some work in this area back east that I've read about in a journal, but it's insane to even risk it."  Dr. Martin responded, still unable to accept Ben's decision.

    "Can you do what they are doing back east?"  Ben continued to push.
    "I don't know.  I don't have the experience.  I cannot advise you to try something this foolhardy and risk Joe's life."  Doctor Martin knew Ben was desperate with concern for his son.  He also knew Joseph well and agreed with Ben that it would devastate the young man to be unable to walk.  However, the physician in him told him the wise thing to do was to take the leg.

    Ben had had enough.  "Listen to me, and listen good.  I have made my decision and it is final.  Paul, you know me and you know I am a man who does as he says he will.  If you do not follow my decision I will be forced to do something we both may regret.  There has got to be some way of helping him and of keeping his leg.  I will accept nothing else."

    No one spoke as the four men looked at each other.  It was a stand off, and Ben was determined to win.  He looked at his son laying on the table and felt more certain his decision had to be followed.

    It was Dr. Martin who broke the silence.  "Okay Ben, I will do as you wish, but you need to know a few things.  If, and that's a big if, I can save the leg AND Joe's life, he'll have an extremely difficult and excruciatingly painful recovery.  Even then he may never walk without a limp.  He may never be able to ride a horse.  He may always be in pain.  If he gets gangrene it can easily kill him.  We won’t know for three or four days if he has developed the infection.  Then, it may be too late."

    Ben's eyes welled with tears. "I've got to give him the chance."

    Adam and Hoss watched their father intently.  They both feared for their brother and their father.  Adam wondered if Ben could live with himself if this was the wrong decision, and they lost Joe.  He thought his father was taking too big of a risk.  He felt that Joe's being able to ride a horse or even walk wasn't worth the gamble.  As a family they had lost too many people they loved, and Adam didn't know how much more they could take.

    Hoss looked over at Joe.  He wished it was him lying there, rather than his little brother.  Hoss believed his strength would survive something like this, but Joe looked so young and small.  Hoss began to pray harder than he ever had that Joe would be all right.

    "Men, I'm going to need one of you to help set that bone.  I'm going to need whoever does it to be the one that puts it back in place.  Doing something like this requires a great deal more strength than I have, I'm afraid." Paul stated.

    Without thinking twice, Hoss stated, "I'm the strongest of all of us.  I want to do it."

    "Son, are you sure?  I can do it."  Ben volunteered.

    "No Pa.  I'll do it.  Paul, what do you want me to do?"

    Paul instructed Hoss as to what he wanted him to do and asked Adam to hold Joe's shoulders.  Although, Joe was unconscious, the doctor knew Hoss's strength, and he didn't want Joe moved anymore than necessary.  Ben stood back watching the men get into place.

    "Hoss, you and I are going to have to work together.  We've got to make sure the bone goes back into place properly.  When I count to three, I want you to pull back and push down at the same time.  You need to do it slowly, so I can help guide where the bone is going."  Paul instructed.

    Paul noticed Hoss looked up at Joe's face, the concern showing.  "Hoss, he can't feel it.  I promise."  Paul hoped this was indeed true.

    Hoss continued to look at Joe's face and said quietly, "Sorry to do this to you, little buddy."

    Paul moved next to Hoss so they were holding Joe's leg in the same area.  "Okay Hoss.  Ready?  One...Two...Three."

    Hoss did as instructed and felt the bone move back into place.  He looked at Joe's face to see any reaction, but there was nothing.  He locked eyes with Adam, who looked pale from what he had seen.  Hoss looked down at his hands and saw blood.  He felt queasy and walked quickly out of the room.  He went outside and was ill.

    Paul continued to feel Joe's leg to determine if the bone was in place.  He noticed there was a great deal of blood coming from the wound.  Calmly he said to Ben and Adam, "Okay, I need you both to leave now.  One of you go and fetch my nurse, Jenny.  Tell her I need her in here to assist me.  I've gotta stop the bleeding."

    Paul didn't look up from working on Joe, and Adam saw him grab a scalpel as they left and entered the waiting room.

    "Pa, I'll get Jenny."  Adam said and walked away just as Hoss reentered the waiting area.

    "Thank you, Adam."  Ben said, his shoulders slumping.  "Hoss, you okay?"

    "Yeah, it just got to me, I guess."

    Ben knew what his son meant.  He had watched what Hoss had done and had himself felt ill.

    "Pa, what's goin' on?  Why did you and Adam come out here?"  Hoss said feeling alarmed again.

    Son, Joe's leg has started to bleed pretty bad.  Paul needs to sew it up."

    "Was I too rough?  I must have hurt him."  Hoss was alarmed now.

    "No, don't even think that son.  You helped give Joe the only chance he really has."  Ben put his arm around his son and patted his back.  "Thank you for what you did."

    Adam returned with Jenny, and she quickly disappeared into the room where the doctor was working.

    "Pa, how is he?"  Adam asked.

    "Don't know yet.  We're still waiting."  Ben answered.  He soon noticed John and Maggie had remained in the waiting room.  They were holding each other and talking quietly.  "John, Maggie, you two look exhausted.  I can help take care of the arrangements for Rebecca if you'd like.  Looks like we're going to be here a while."

    "You look just as tired as us, and you've got Joe to worry about."  Maggie pointed out.  "We want to stay here with Rebecca till we can get her, um...where she needs to be."  Maggie was crying again.  "We want to stay here for Joe as well.  How's he doing?"

    Ben filled them in on Joe and his decision.  As he talked, Ben realized the depths of his fatigue.  He looked at his pocket watch and noted the time was three in the morning.  He knew there would be no peaceful rest for a while; the nightmare was just beginning.

    At three-thirty, Dr. Martin emerged from the room where he had worked on Joe.  "Ben, I've done what I can do.  The rest is up to Joe and God.  He's still unconscious which concerns me greatly.  There are some broken ribs and his shoulder is banged up pretty bad.  He's covered in bruising, but I don't believe there are internal injuries.  At least he's not having symptoms right now.  From the looks of him, I'd say the majority of the wagon's impact was on the leg."

    "Paul, thank you.  I know you are going against what you feel is right.  I have to do what I feel is right, and so, I uh, got a little carried away in there.  I'm sorry for that."  Ben apologized.

    "I know that.”  Paul said to his friend.  It's because you love your son."

    "Can I see him?"  Ben asked.

    "I think that would be good for both of you."

    Ben needed no further encouragement and moved quickly to his son's bedside.  He was surprised to see that although Joe looked pale, it was difficult to tell that he had been in an accident  just by looking at his face.  It looked as if he were merely asleep.  Ben patted his son's hand and spoke softly to him.  "You're going to be fine, just fine, Joseph."  Ben said trying to reassure himself.  He made himself comfortable for the night in the chair next to his unconscious son.

    The bright sunlight streamed through the doctor's office windows and morning came too quickly.  Hoss and Adam had made themselves as comfortable as possible in the waiting room.  Maggie and John had retreated to the room where their daughter lay.  Ben was sleeping fitfully and easily woke when Dr. Martin entered the room.

    "Sorry Ben, I wanted to take a look and see how he's doing."  Dr. Martin explained as he pulled back the blankets to check Joe's leg.

    Ben was up and on his feet immediately.  He walked to where the doctor was working on Joe and watched.  His son's leg was grossly swollen and horribly bruised.  The doctor examined the incision and felt Joe's forehead.  He sighed deeply.

    "How does it look?"  Ben asked, afraid of the answer.

    There was a knock on the door as Adam and Hoss entered.  "Pa, how is he?"  Adam questioned.

    "Paul was just going to tell me."  Ben answered.

    "He's got some infection, and his leg is much more swollen today.  I'm not going to make a splint until that swelling goes down considerably.  Although I am pleased that he does not have much weeping from the wound.  It's good he's young and healthy, but I am concerned that he is still unconscious.  He hit his head hard, but I was hoping he'd be coming out of it by now.  The blood loss and the injury to the leg may have something to do with it.  I just don't know."  Dr. Martin reported.

    "Is there anything we can do?"  Ben was hopeful that there was something that could help.

    "Just pray, Ben.  That's all that is left.  In the meantime, you three need to eat something and try and get some more rest.  Joe's going to need you all healthy. I've got to help Maggie and John get Rebecca to the undertaker so I'll be gone for a little while."  Paul said, leaving the room.
    Paul's final statement had reminded the three men of the tragedy that had occurred the previous evening.  Hoss was the first to speak. "Pa, how’re we gonna tell Joe about Rebecca?  I'm 'fraid he's not gonna be able to handle it."

    "I don't know son.  I just don't know."  Ben dreaded the time when he'd have to tell his son what had happened.  He hoped he was wrong in his fear regarding Joe's reaction.

    The day passed slowly as the family held vigil.  Little conversation passed between the three men as they sat, each lost in his own thoughts.  The doctor returned to the office and notified them that Rebecca's burial was to occur later that afternoon.  Arranging for burials to occur quickly was the usual custom in the summertime, but this was faster than most.  Maggie and John had decided they wanted to put their daughter to rest as soon as possible.  They had wanted Joe to be able to attend, but the doctor had informed them this probably would be impossible any time in the near future, given Joe's condition.  With that knowledge, they decided to bury her that day.

    Ben knew he needed to attend the burial, not only to pay his own respects, but to be there for Joe.  Ben was concerned how Joe would handle Rebecca being buried without being there, so he was going to make sure he could tell his son anything Joe needed to know. Ben had remembered burying his sons’ mothers, and although he didn’t care to think about it, he knew it was all part of the grief.  Although Adam was not fond of burials at all, he volunteered to accompany his father.

    Later that afternoon,  Adam and Ben left the doctor's office to attend Rebecca's burial.  Hoss stayed behind with Joe and promised his father he would send word if Joe's condition changed, and Ben was needed.  As Hoss sat next to his younger brother, he started to notice Joe's face was showing a bit of a winch every few minutes.  At first he'd thought the movement was in his imagination, but as he watched, Joe's face was definitely moving slightly.  Hoss began to talk to Joe hoping it would help to bring him around.

    “Hey Joe,  you know you need to open those eyes of yours and wake up.  You can’t be sleeping your whole life away.  We’ve got things to do, and I’m missing out on Hop Sing’s cooking while you get your beauty rest.  Now you listen to old Hoss and wake up.”

    Hoss continued coaxing and talking to Joe.  Hoss knew it was going to be very hard on his little brother to find out about Rebecca, but he’d vowed he’d do what was needed to get Joe through it.  He wanted his brother to be okay again.  Hoss felt he needed Joe just as much as he knew Joe needed him.
    Joe lay in a fog where he could from time to time feel pain and hear voices.  When he would try to move or cry out, it felt as if he was fighting against a strong current pushing him back down.  Time and again he easily surrendered and move deeper into the fog.

    The cemetery in Virginia City was just outside of town.  Ben and Adam arrived just as the service started.  There was a large turnout to pay their respects to the family.  The crowd was comprised of many of the people who had attended Joe and Rebecca's engagement party just a few short weeks before.  The atmosphere was solemn and tears were shed freely.  Maggie was so overcome with grief that John had to hold her up while the preacher spoke.

    During the service, Adam's mind kept returning to the times he had stood and watched two of his father's wives buried.  He tried to distract himself from the thoughts, but they intruded nonetheless.  The pictures in his mind were so vivid.  The feelings so fresh.  He wondered if it would ever get easier to think of the deaths of Marie and Inger without feeling as if it just happened.

    Ben ran the gamut of emotions during the service.  He thought over Joe's courtship with Rebecca.  The two had been so perfectly matched.  He felt himself getting angry when he thought of how wrong it was for this to have happened.  The preacher's words came in and out of Ben's awareness as he continued to be lost in his own thoughts.  Upon hearing the preacher talk about the love the Larson's had for their daughter, Ben looked over at them and saw the grief on their faces.  He felt a twinge of guilt when he had the thought that he was relieved it was not his child being lowered into the ground.  Ben also thought of the burials of his wives.  He knew the pain he had suffered and the pain of his children.  It was so hard to understand the “why” of all of this.

    The service concluded and Ben remained momentarily frozen.  He found it so odd that the burial was the end for the people not directly impacted by the death.  They would go about their day and life without the death having bothered them.  How different it was for the people who had loved the deceased.  They would always be impacted by the loss.

    Mourners approached the Larson’s offering their individual condolences.  People also came up to Ben and Adam asking about Joe.  Ben, always polite and courteous, answered them.  Adam, wanting to be free of the people and the emotion  wandered away to a more secluded spot to wait for his father.

    Finally, it was only the two Cartwrights, and Maggie and John at the cemetery.  Ben spoke first.  “Maggie. John.  I’m so sorry this has happened.  I’m having such a difficult time understanding why this had to happen.  I’m not real sure we’re ever going to get the answer.”

    “Ben, your asking the same question I am.”  John began.  “It doesn’t seem right that Rebecca should be taken from us like this.  She was so full of life.  I just can’t believe it.”     There had been something that had not been addressed by the grieving parents that Ben felt had to be talked about.  He needed to know if they felt Joseph was to blame in any way for the accident.  He knew it would be easy for a parent to look for someone to blame and, he would not be surprised if that was how the Larson’s felt.  Ben felt he needed to know for Joe.  He wanted to be able to help his son if this were the case.

    Ben was unsure how to approach the subject, but decided he just needed to ask.  “John, Maggie, about the accident, I was wanting to know if you had any hard feelings towards Joseph?”

    “My God, Ben.  No.” John quickly answered.  “Joe would never would’ve done anything to hurt Rebecca.  It was an accident we know that.”

    “I’ve grown so fond of your son, Ben.”  Maggie said through her tears.  “I would never blame him.  Please don’t concern yourself at all.”

    Ben felt relieved that the Larson’s were so loving of his son and understood that Joe would never hurt Rebecca intentionally.  He said good bye to the Larson’s, collected Adam, and returned to the doctor’s office.

    By the time Ben and Adam arrived at the doctor's office, Joe had begun to stir again.  As he tried to travel through the fog he moved closer to a deep burning pain.  It confused him because he was unable to determine what was hurting or where.  Joe's struggle showed on his face, and his family noticed.  Ben moved in closer to Joe and started to encourage his son to open his eyes.  Joe heard the voice, but didn't know whose it was.  He wasn't sure he wanted to do as the voice said.  As he struggled to open his eyes, he also felt more pain.  He decided he would not listen to the voice right now and fell back into the fog.

    Afternoon turned to evening and the process of Joe's return to consciousness continued.  Adam, Hoss and Ben sat in the room with Joe and talked to each other and to Joe as much as possible.  Joe had to use all of his energy to move closer to wakening.  His body was determined to wake, but his mind remained hesitant.  His eyes flickered and then opened.  He saw only white and blurred images as nothing was in focus.

    Upon seeing Joe's eyes open, Ben attempted to help.  "That's it Joe. Wake up. It's time to wake up, now."     Joe looked towards the voice he heard and saw his father.  The image he saw did not completely register.  He knew it was his father, but why was he there?  What was going on?  He began to feel the pain much stronger as it became quite intense.  He reached for his leg and started to pull at the blankets.  Ben grabbed his hand and spoke.  "No Joe.  Don't do that.  You're okay, son."

    Joe felt frustrated and quickly tired.  Nothing made sense, and he needed to see why his leg was hurting so bad.  His father was holding his hand and he wanted him to let go.  He struggled briefly and then slipped away, back into the fog.

    Ben watched his son fade away again and sat back to wait for Joe to come back.  Dr. Martin entered the room to check on his patient.

    "He still coming out of it?"  Paul asked as he looked over at Joe.

    "Yeah, he's opened his eyes, but didn't say anything.  Paul how long can this go on?"  Ben asked.

    "Hard to tell  It takes a while to shake it off.  You just keep doing what you’re doing.  Um, Ben, we need to talk about what you are going to tell him about, uh, how you are going to break the news to him.  You know he needs to remain still and calm.  I think you should try not to tell him unless he asks, and even then, try and put it off.  His emotional state is important for his recovery."  Paul said, as he felt Joe's forehead.

    "His fever is increasing."  Paul placed a cool rag on Joe’s forehead. He then pulled back the blankets and lifted the bandage on Joe's leg.  He became concerned regarding the redness he saw.  The wound was going to have to be cleaned out again.  Paul picked up the alcohol and poured it onto the stitches.

    Joe groaned as the alcohol burned.  His eyes opened as he attempted to find out what was hurting him.  He looked at the doctor and tried to understand what was happening.  What had happened last?  Everything was so fuzzy.  He spoke quietly, "What happened?"  The attempt to speak required a great amount of energy, and Joe was back unconscious before he could hear the answer.

    Joe continued to wake with the same question and was unable to remain awake for the answer.  There was one question they waited to hear, but Joe did not ask about Rebecca.  He began to become more aware of his surroundings each time he came around.  The pain eventually became a constant and unrelenting presence.  It was this that eventually brought Joe completely around.

    Joe moaned and opened his eyes.  He looked at his father and brothers and saw them become more clear in his vision.

    "Hey, welcome back, little buddy."  Hoss said, smiling at his brother.

    "Mmm...what...happened?"  Joe asked his face showing the pain he was feeling.

    Ben took over.  "Joe, you were in any accident, but you’re gonna be fine, just fine."

    "Accident?"  He didn't remember an accident.  He touched his head and felt the bandage.  He hurt so bad.  "What...accident?"

    "Son, it's okay.  You just need to rest and get better.  There's time to talk later."  Ben attempted to avoid his son's question.

    "Why...does it hurt...so bad?"  Joe continued to question.

    "You broke your leg pretty bad.  You need to be real still and quiet.  You've got some broken ribs and hit to your head." Ben explained

    Paul moved towards a medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle.  He walked back over to his patient and spoke.  "Joe,  I'm going to give you something for the pain.  I can't give you a whole lot right now, but this can take the edge off a bit.  I bet you could use a glass of water too."     Joe didn't realize how thirsty he was until the doctor said something.  Adam was immediately out the door to get his brother a drink.  He had been quietly watching the events in the room.  He was still thinking of the burial that afternoon and was becoming more uncomfortable with what he knew was going to happen as soon as Joe was told.  At times the reason Adam and Joe clashed so badly was because of the intensity of Joe's emotions.  The intensity made Adam uncomfortable.  Joe being out of control and showing intense emotions made Adam want to run away.  Adam was unsure if he could tolerate seeing his brother's emotional pain.  It would remind him too much of his own.

    Adam returned with the water and gave it to his little brother.  "Go easy."  He said as Joe tried to drink it too fast.  Adam moved the hair off Joe's forehead and smiled at him.  He wished Joe would stay in the state of not knowing Rebecca had died.

    "That stuff starting to work yet?  You feel any better?"  Hoss asked, anxious to see his brother out of pain.

    Joe shook his head no and Paul added,  "It's a little soon, Hoss.  Joe, we need to get some food into you soon."

    Eating was the last thing on Joe's mind, and he made a face at the idea.  He could only think of how bad he hurt, and the mention of food brought on nausea.  Finally as he lay there he began to feel the lightheaded feeling the medicine brought.  It dulled his headache and the pain in his ribs, but did very little to touch the pain in his leg.

    "Well if I can't get you interested in eating, I do know you need peace and quiet.  It's late everyone, and none of you got much sleep last night.  You all need to get some rest.  We don't need to be doing a lot of talking right now."  Paul pointed out.

    "Paul's right. Boys, why don't you go and get a room at the hotel and get some rest.  I'm going to stay here with Joe."  Ben had no intention of leaving the doctor's office.

    "Pa, you need to get some sleep, too.  Adam or I can stay here with Joe." Hoss volunteered.  He had seen how tired his father was and knew if Ben stayed the night there he would not sleep.

    "No, Hoss.  I'm staying here.  Go on now you two."  With that, Hoss and Adam said goodnight to their Pa and Joe and left the room.

    Before leaving himself, Paul gave instructions for Ben to periodically wake Joe during the night to help insure Joe would not fall back into unconsciousness and to replace the cool rag on Joe’s forehead once in a while.  Finally, Ben and Joe were alone.  Joe was feeling tired and not up to talking, so he lay quietly trying to manage the pain in his body.  Ben was relieved that his son was not up to talking.  He wanted Joe stronger before he had to tell him about Rebecca.

    Eventually Ben began to doze.  Joe lay with his eyes closed, but was unable to sleep.  He laid in the dark trying to think of anything to distract him from his throbbing leg.  He returned to trying to reconstruct the last memories he had before he woke up in Dr. Martin's office.  He could recall the morning at the ranch and his volunteering to go to town for supplies.  He had stopped at Rebecca's before picking up the supplies.  They had gone on a ride together, ending up at their favorite place.  They had laughed and talked.  Then he remembered the wedding invitation.  He thought of how beautiful Rebecca looked and how much he wanted her.  His thoughts then went to what had finally occurred between them.  He had made love to her.  He focused on that time with her and how wonderful it had been.  She had been as passionate as he had, and it left him wanting more.  He didn't think he'd ever get enough of her.

    That was where the memories ended for him.  It was confusing.  What had happened next?  Where was Rebecca?  He suddenly became anxious.  What if his accident caused a delay in the wedding?  He didn’t want that to happen, and he knew he would do whatever it took to get better quickly.  His thoughts turned to the wedding and eventually he fell off to sleep.

    Ben checked on Joe several times during the night.  Joe would stir and mumble something, then Ben would settle back again to doze.  Ben awoke in the morning with a cramp in his neck from having slept in the chair.  He stood and stretched and then moved towards his sleeping son.  Ben checked his son’s temperature and noted that Joe was still quite warm.  He re-wet the rag and placed it on his son’s forehead.  This made Joe wake.

    “Good morning, Joe.  How’re you doing?” Ben asked with concern.

    Upon waking, the pain immediately hit hard.  The medication the doctor had given Joe had long since worn off.  He was very tired and wanted to continue to sleep, but once awake he knew it would be difficult to drift off again.  “Um... I’m okay.” Joe managed to say.

    It was hard for Ben to see Joe in such pain.  He knew his decision had increased his son’s physical suffering.  He prayed it would not result in a disaster.  “Well, I don’t really believe that, but I think you’ll be okay soon.”

    “Pa...my wedding...I gotta make it there.”  Joe had dreamed of Rebecca, and his upcoming wedding naturally came to mind.

    Ben diverted his eyes from his son.  “Son, don’t worry about that right now.  You just have to concentrate on getting better.”

    It was so hard for Joe to talk, but he had questions he wanted answered.  Like why Rebecca hadn’t come to see him yet.  “Where’s Rebecca?”  Joe questioned.

    Ben’s heart skipped a beat.  Joe had asked it, and Ben did not know what to say.  “Son, you have to be quiet and rest now.  We can talk later.”

    “But...I need...to talk to her.”  Joe tried to explain.

    “Not now, Joseph. You don’t need to be talking at all.  You need to have something to eat.”  Ben was increasingly anxious.

    Joe noticed his father’s anxiety, and it didn’t make sense.  Joe didn’t want anything to eat.  He wanted to talk to Rebecca.  Why wasn’t his father answering him?  Joe started to get the feeling that something was wrong.  His father was avoiding his question.  What was wrong with Rebecca?

    "Pa...where's Rebecca?  What’s wrong?"  Joe asked again looking into his father's eyes. He saw his father's expression and Ben's eyes began to well with tears.

    "Um, son..."  Ben was having trouble forming the words.

    A soft moan rose up from Joe as he realized what his father was going to tell him. "No Pa..."

    "Joseph, I'm sorry, son.  Rebecca's dead."  Ben could no longer hold back the tears after seeing the look on his son's face.

    Joe felt his father's words hit him like fists.  He was just with her.  He had made love to her, and they were going to soon be married.  What his father was saying could not be true.  Joe began to panic.  His voice started softly, but increased in volume and emotion as he talked  "No, Pa.  No.  It's not true.  Don’t say that!  YOU’RE WRONG!  SHE'S OKAY, PA!"  Joe was beginning to become hysterical.  Tears were falling down his face, and he was beginning to move around in the bed.
     "Joe, son, you've got to calm down.  You can't be moving around."

    "NO PA! NO!  YOU'RE LYING TO ME!  SHE'S NOT DEAD!  SHE'S NOT!  SHE'S MARRYING ME PA!  SHE AND ME ARE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER!"  Joe was screaming at his father.

    "Joseph, it's okay son.  You're going to be okay.  It's all going to be okay."  Ben was unsure how to comfort his son.

    "NO!  ITS NOT OKAY, PA!  YOU’Re WRONG!  BRING HER HERE, I WANT TO SEE HER!"  Joe demanded.

    "I can't bring her here, Joe.  I'm sorry, son." His heart was breaking for his son.

    "YOU HAVE TO!  I WANT TO SEE HER!  I HAVE TO SEE HER!  I...”

    "Joe..." Ben tried to speak.

    “NO!  DON’T SAY IT!  I LOVE HER!  I NEED HER!  THIS CAN’T HAPPEN!  YOU’VE GOTTA HELP ME!”  Joe begged, grabbing a hold of his father arm.

    Ben was having more and more difficulty trying to control Joe’s panic. “Son, you’ve got to stop.  You’re hurting yourself.”

    Joe had not felt any pain since he had realized what had happened to Rebecca.  “I DON’T CARE IF I HURT MYSELF, PA!  WHERE IS SHE?!”

    “She’s been buried already, son.”

    “BURIED, PA?!...”  For a moment Joe stopped screaming as the news settled in.  “I can’t see her?...I can’t hold her?”...Joe was now trying to get out of bed.

    “No son, stop it now!  You have to stay in bed.”  Ben tried to stop his determined son.

    Adam and Hoss had entered the doctor’s office just before Joe was told Rebecca was dead.  They were speaking with Paul, when Joe began to scream.  Hoss closed his eyes.  Joe sounded so pained and desperate.  He looked over at Adam and could see he was having just as hard of a time.  They both heard their father’s need for help, so it was a race through the door.  When they entered, they saw Joe fighting against his father, who was trying to restrain him.

    “Joe you can’t be doing this!”  Ben continued to try and get his son under control.

    Joe was inconsolable.  He was crying uncontrollably and was pushing against his father.  He didn’t know where he wanted to go, or even if he could move.  He simply wanted to fight against the news he had heard.

    “Adam, Hoss, I need your help.”  Ben said noting the arrival of reinforcements.  “Help me get him to lay down.”

    “I DON’T WANT TO LAY DOWN!  I WANT TO SEE REBECCA!  SHE’S ALONE AND NEEDS ME!”

    Adam gently began to push Joe back down.

    “STOP IT ADAM!”  Joe commanded.

    Paul had been witness to the scene going on and realized Joe was not calming down.  If anything, the more his father tried to help him, the more worked up he became.  Paul went to his medicine cabinet and grabbed a sedative and a syringe.  He prepared the shot, and then said, “Hoss hold his arm.  I going to give him something to calm him down.”

    “NO YOU’RE NOT!”  Joe snapped back and continued to struggle.  As Hoss grabbed Joe’s arm, Joe looked at him with desperation in his eyes.

    Hoss held out Joe’s arm.  Joe did not have much strength left, so it did not take much effort on Hoss’s part.  Paul gave Joe the shot and then moved away from the struggling young man.

    Joe’s movements slowed as the medication took effect.  He stopped fighting and yelling.  He put his arm over his eyes and simply cried.  No one spoke as they watched Joe cry himself to sleep.

    It was a while before anyone moved.  Ben finally let out a sigh and moved over to the chair he had slept in the night before.  He put his head in his hands and tried to pull himself together.  Adam walked over and put his hand on his father’s shoulder.  Hoss remained next to his younger brother watching a tear fall down Joe’s cheek.

    It would be a long time before Joe cried again for his Rebecca.
 
 

    Paul began to re-examined Joe’s leg.  He was concerned that Joe’s movements from that morning had further injured his leg.  He was also quite amazed that Joe could move like he did in such an extraordinary amount of pain.  “Ben, he cannot be moving like that again.  He just can’t.  We’re already hoping for a miracle, and his leg’s not going to take much more.”

    “I understand.  What can we do?”  Ben didn’t want Joe to be upset like that again either.

    “It may be best to keep him sedated for a little while.  It will help him with the pain and also keep him quiet.  With the medicine it will seem to you all like he’s drunk.”  Paul explained.

    “Do what you have to do.”  Ben responded.

    Adam felt the need to get himself and his father outside for a little while.  He saw the strain was taking its toll on Ben and wanted to intercede.  He decided to ask his father.  “Pa, I think I’m going to take a walk.  Why don’t you come?”

    Ben shook his head.  “No son.  I’m staying here.  Hoss why don’t you go.  Both of you could stand a little fresh air.”

    “Pa, you need to get out of here for a few minutes.  We’ll come right back.”  Adam persisted.

    “I don’t want to.”  Ben said firmly.

    “Adam’s right.  You get out of here for a few minutes and get some air.  I’ll watch Joe.”  Hoss pushed.

    “Ben, they’re both right.”  Paul agreed.  “One difficult patient is all I need.  Take a walk. It will do you good.”

    Ben accepted he was out numbered and went out into the sunshine with his oldest son.  They had begun walking with no particular destination in mind.  Adam knew his father needed to talk, so he began the conversation.  “Pa, I know this is hard for you.  I can tell you are reliving a lot of things.”

    Ben found it easy to talk to his eldest son.  He had been through so much with Adam.  They both had felt a lot of pain in losing the women in Ben’s life.  “Yes, it seems it has all come back.  I cannot help but think about your mother, and Hoss’s and Joe’s right now.  This is just too close to what has happened before.  How are you doing with it, son?”

    “I’m okay, Pa.  I just think that it’s going to be a very long time before things are back to normal.”  Adam sighed.

    “I just hope things can go back to normal.”

    “You mean Joe, don’t you?”

    “Uh huh. He’s going to have a rough go of it.  He really loved her.”  Ben said, shaking his head.

    Soon, Roy Coffee appeared and approached Ben and Adam.

    “Ben, Adam, how’s Little Joe?”  Roy asked, his concern showing.

    Ben thought over what they had just experienced with Joe and said,  “Roy, he’s about as good as can be expected.  He’s having a real hard time with Rebecca’s death.”

    “I’d imagine.  You tell him I’m thinking about him.  Oh, by the way,  I went out to the accident scene again to make up a report for the inquest, and there is something strange about it.  Where Joe and Rebecca’s bodies ended up just doesn’t make sense to me.”  Roy explained.

    “What’s strange about it?” Adam asked.

    “Well if Joe was running the horses with that buckboard, then he should have been by the brake.  If that were so, then there was no way he could have ended up pinned under the wagon.  It was the side with the brake that pitched over.  He should have been thrown.  What does Joe say about the accident?”

    “Roy, he doesn’t remember it.  He doesn’t even know it was a buckboard accident.”  Ben answered.

    “Hum...I told this to Maggie and John as well.  From everything I can tell, it seems Rebecca was driving the buckboard.  John didn’t think she knew how, but, he said knowing his daughter, he’s not surprised.  Anyway, I wanted to let you know what I’d seen.”

    “Thank you, Roy for your diligence.”  Ben shook the sheriff’s hand, and he and Adam continued their walk.  A walk that eventually returned them to the doctor’s office.

    Around noon, Maggie Larson appeared at the doctor’s office with a basket.  She knocked on the door to the room where the Cartwright’s had taken up temporary residence.  She was quickly told to enter.  When she opened the door she saw three very tired looking Cartwrights sitting around the room and Joe in bed asleep.

    “Ben, boys, I brought you folks something to eat.  My guess is you haven’t had much.”  Maggie said.

    Ben was amazed.  Here was a woman who just buried her daughter the previous day, and she was bringing them food.  “Maggie there was no need for you to do this.”

    “Oh, Ben yes there was.  I need to stay busy right now, and you folks need the help.  There’s plenty here to help you out.  I also brought some light soup for Joe if he can eat anything.”  Maggie said, turning to look at Joe.

    “The doctor had to sedate him earlier.  He found out about...um...Rebecca.”  Ben felt awkward saying this to Rebecca’s mother.

    “He loves her so much.  He has to be okay.  We can’t lose both of them.”  Maggie said, her eyes welling with tears.

    “Maggie, this was very kind of you.”  Ben said, wanting to change the subject.  “Won’t you join us?”

    “No, thank you.  I just wanted to bring this to you and the boys.”  She started to leave and then paused.  “Ben, can we come and visit Joe some time?  He’s been around so much the last six months.  He makes me think of her.”

    “By all means, Maggie.  Please do that.  I know he cares a lot for the two of you, as well.”  Ben was touched by the request.

    “Paul and I will come by later, then.  You men eat up.” And with that Maggie left.

    “Pa, they sure are good people.”  Hoss commented.

    “Yes they are.”  Ben answered feeling sad at the thought that Joe would not be part of that family.
    The three men ate lunch slowly.  None of them had much of an appetite, even Hoss.  Dr. Martin came in soon after and told them to try and wake Joe to get him to eat.  Ben walked over to his youngest and tried to wake him.  He was hesitant to do this because of what had happened that morning, but he knew they needed to get some food into Joe.  “Joseph, son, wake up.”

    Joe responded slowly.  He had been sleeping hard and it was difficult to fight through the heaviness of the medication.  His sleep had been dreamless and quiet.  It had allowed Joe’s body to restore some of the depleted energy from his emotional explosion of that morning.  Joe opened his eyes and they rolled around, unfocused for a few seconds.  Emotionally he felt nothing, and the physical pain was dull and distant.  His thoughts although muddled, were of Rebecca’s death.

    “Son,  I want you to eat something now.”  Ben told Joe, propping him up with a few more pillows.

    Joe looked at his father and did not speak. He submitted to his father’s wishes without resistance, and it was obvious to his family that he was heavily medicated.  Ben began to spoon the soup into his son, and Joe ate without tasting anything. Joe looked over at Hoss who was watching him intently.  Hoss smiled at him, but Joe’s expression didn’t change.  He then looked at Adam, who also smiled. Rebecca was dead, Joe thought to himself.  There was nothing to smile about.  He wanted them to leave him alone, but did not bother to say anything.  There was nothing to say.  Didn’t they know he didn’t care about anything else?

    Joe reached his fill of the soup and said, “No more.”

    Ben tried to coax a little more.  “Come on, Joe.  Just a little more.”

    Joe simply opened his mouth and kept eating.  He didn’t want it, but he didn’t want to talk either.  He thought the fight wasn’t worth it.  He ate until his father decided Joe was finished, then Joe laid back, hoping to sleep.

    Paul Martin entered the room again and walked over towards his patient.  He felt Joe’s forehead and it remained warm to the touch.  Paul pulled back the blankets to look at Joe’s leg.  The leg looked swollen and red.  Paul looked up at Joe who was looking at him.  Joe then sat forward and looked down at his leg.  He saw what was causing him so much pain.  He then looked back at Paul.

    “It’s bad?” Joe asked in slurred speech.

    Paul wanted to keep Joe from panicking again.  “You’re doing fine.”

    Joe held his look with Paul and wished everyone would stop saying things were fine.  It wasn’t fine.  It wasn’t okay.  He knew that and wished that they would stop lying to him.  Joe eventually looked away from Paul and back down at his leg.  What he saw told him he was hurt bad, but he didn’t care.  He wanted to be dead.  He wanted to be with Rebecca.

    Joe’s family was watching him closely.  Ben had concern in his face as he watched.  Joe was starring at his leg and not speaking.  “Son, the Doc is going to fix you up good as new.  You have to be real still though, and do exactly as he says.”

    “Okay.”  Was what Joe said to his father, but he thought,  “Good as new?  Can he bring back Rebecca?  If he can’t, then it’ll never be good again.”

    Joe laid back and closed his eyes.  He was tired and wanted to sleep.  He didn’t care if he ever woke up.

    The days passed slowly as Joe continued to run a fever and fight off the infection.  He remained heavily sedated throughout the fight.  The doctor kept a diligent watch and cleaned the leg wound at every opportunity.  Joe was awakened to eat and would remain awake for a short period following eating, but spent the majority of the time asleep.  He had begun to have dreams of Rebecca, and he welcomed them.  He would fight waking, so as to not leave the dreams.  Every time he woke, he felt the pain again of losing her.  He so much wanted to stay in the dream forever.

    Ben realized that he was going to have to stay in town for a while, but he also knew the ranch wasn’t going to run itself.  He told Hoss and Adam to return home, but they were both reluctant.  Ben ended up having to order them home.  He promised he would send word to them if anything changed.  Ben spent his days in the doctor’s office reading the newspaper, reading books, and playing the occasional game of checkers with whomever stopped by to visit.

    Ben also spent a lot of his time thinking.  Being with Joe made him remember how difficult losing Marie had been.  All three of his boys had suffered during that time.  He knew that each had a pain in them that touched each of them differently.  Adam had retreated into his intellect, unwilling to risk being hurt emotionally.  Hoss had gentled and became a nurturer.  He used his size to protect, afraid to cause anyone or anything harm.  Joseph had developed a need to hold on tight to people, and his emotions became more intense.  Yes, each had been hurt over the loss in profound ways.

    Ben thought over Joseph’s reaction to his mother’s death.  Joe was five when his mother died and seemed to understand some of it, but it was also very apparent to Ben that the child had not understood why his mother was no longer with him.  Ben remembered when this had been so evident to him.

    At five, Joe was full of energy and high spirited.  He tended to be all movement during the day and, although he would fight sleep, he would quickly fade at night.  A habit the child had gotten into after his mother’s death was to crawl up in his father’s lap at the end of each day.  Ben knew Joe was wanting extra attention and gave it to his youngest willingly.

    The ritual would begin when Ben would light his pipe and start to look over the newspaper.  Joe would push his way through the newspaper and climb into his father’s lap.  He would then ask his father all sorts of questions, and Ben would do his best to answer them.  One night, Joe asked questions Ben found very difficult to answer.

    “Papa,  where’s mama?” Joe innocently asked.

    “Joe, remember we talked about that?  She’s in Heaven.”  Ben answered.

    “But why, Papa?  Why hasn’t she come home?”

    “Joe, she’s not coming home, son.”  The conversation was getting very hard for Ben.

    But, I want her to.  I miss her, lots.  She’s been gone too long.  Why don’t you go get her?  Does she not want to come home?  Is she mad at me, Papa?”  Joe looked his at his father as if he knew everything in the world.

    “Son, why would you think she’s mad at you?” Ben had not heard this from his son before.

    “I didn’t do what she told me to sometimes.  Mama told me to pick up my soldiers and I didn’t.  Hop Sing did it, and she got mad at me.  I was a bad boy.”

    Joe’s words broke Ben’s heart.  “No, no, Joseph. You were not a bad boy.  Your mama loved you so much.  She didn’t want to leave you.  She thought you were a very good boy.  She was just needed in Heaven to help all the other little boys.  But you remember your mother’s star, son.  She’s always with you.”

    “Papa, why are stars white and not another color like green?”  With that Joe had moved on to another subject, but his questions stayed with Ben.  That night, after the little boy had fallen asleep in his father’s arms, Ben cried.  He cried for himself, and he cried for his little boy.

    Ben slowly returned to the present and looked at Joe.  He wished he could make Joe feel better the way he had done that night so long ago.  He wanted to explain what had happened to his son in a way Joe could accept, but Ben himself never understood his own loss, so how could he explain it?  He worried about the future.

    Ben questioned Paul regarding when Joe could be taken home.  It had been five days since the accident, and Joe had been successful in fighting off gangrene.  He remained in a great deal of pain, but his fever had broken, and his leg was losing some of its swelling.

    “Well, what do you think?  Can we take him home?”  Ben asked Dr. Martin.

    “He’s going to have a very painful ride Ben, but I think it would be okay.  I’m going to go ahead and splint the leg.  I’m rather surprised that he hasn’t been more anxious to go home himself.”  Paul pointed out.

    Ben had noticed the same thing, but was hoping it was because of the medication Joe had been taking for the pain that was keeping his son so docile.  Ben wanted to get his son into the environment where Joe had the most love, support and familiarity.  The Ponderosa was more than a home for Ben and his boys, it was their life.

    Paul had eased on the medication, and Joe was awake more and more as each day passed.  This was not what Joe had wanted, but he did not say anything.  He had wanted to sleep.  He wanted to be with Rebecca.  He would answer questions asked of him, but did not volunteer to talk.  He was outwardly compliant, but his thoughts were of being alone and being dead.

    Ben decided to approach Joe about going home.  “Son, I think it’s time to take you home.  What do you think?  You ready to get out of here?”

    “If you think so, Pa.”  Was Joe’s reply.

    This was not the response Ben thought he’d get.  “Don’t you want to go home?”

    “Yeah, I do.”  Joe’s tone was less than enthusiastic.

    “I’ll get Adam and Hoss into town, and we’ll get you to the Ponderosa.”  Ben was studying his son, unsure what was going on in Joe’s head.

    Joe was very uncomfortable with the way his father was looking at him.  It made him feel as if his father could read his mind, and he did not like it.  He wanted to keep all of his memories and feelings inside of himself.  He felt that if he let them out, then they were gone forever.  He’d lose his connection to Rebecca.  He longed to have Rebecca help him, and she was gone.  She had understood him and knew what he needed.  Rebecca could get him to talk about all sorts of things, and she made him feel better.  When he had talked about his mother with her, it had actually made it a little easier to bear. What was he supposed to do?  He wanted and needed someone he could never have again.

    Ben arranged for Adam and Hoss to help him get Joe home.  They had rigged up a wagon where Joe could lay down for the ride back to the ranch.  Dr. Martin warned them to make the journey at a slow pace, so Joe’s leg would not be unnecessarily jostled.  The doctor also gave Joe a healthy dose of pain medication to make the ride tolerable.

    Hoss was able to easily pick up his younger brother and gently place him in the wagon.  Joe was feeling much more pain than he let on and knew this was going to be an excruciatingly painful endeavor.  He seemed to almost welcome the pain though, as he used his memories with Rebecca to help control it.  He would focus all of his energy on trying to recall everything about her and his time with her.  This was enough of a distraction to keep the physical pain tolerable.

    The family finally set out to return home.  Hoss drove the wagon and Ben and Adam rode beside it on horseback.  The road they had taken was the same one taken by Joe and Rebecca the day of the accident.  As they traveled, they came to the place where the accident itself had occurred.  The wagon was such that Joe could see enough out of it to know where they were.  As they came upon the accident site, Ben, Adam and Hoss became anxious.  They all began to watch Joe to see if he had any reaction to the area.  Joe sat lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to the importance of the scene.  The three older Cartwrights glanced at each other, but said nothing.

    As they traveled on they went past the meadow where Joe and Rebecca had spent their final day together.  Joe looked over at the grove of trees and once again replayed the day in his mind.  He did not notice his father watching him.  Ben looked to where Joe was looking and saw the pretty meadow and trees.  He had noticed Joe was deep in thought, and he wondered what it was Joe was thinking about.  Joe’s face looked so sad.

    “Joe, you okay?”  Ben questioned.

    Joe did not hear him at first.  When it finally registered that his father was speaking to him, he was irritated at the interruption of his memory.  He looked at his father and answered in a flat tone,  “Yeah, I’m okay.”  Joe then returned his eyes back to the meadow and his thoughts to the day he’d never forget.

    The family made it safely back to the ranch, and Hoss again picked up Joe and carried him inside.  He asked Joe if he wanted to be put on the couch,  in the downstairs bedroom or up in his own room. Without any hesitation, Joe chose his own room.  Hoss obliged.  Once Joe had been settled into bed, Ben came into the room to check on him.  “You need anything?”

    “No.”  Was all Joe said.

    Ben tried to make small talk, but Joe was not responsive.  Ben walked over to Joe’s window and started to open the blinds.  That was when Joe spoke.  “Pa, please don’t do that.”

    “It’s kind of dark in here.  Wouldn’t you like the light?”  Ben suggested.

    “No, Pa.  I’m tired and gonna take a nap.”
    “Okay,  you need to take some medicine, and then I’ll be back to check on you a little later.”  Ben gave Joe the medicine and walked out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.  Again, Joe found himself irritated.  He wanted his door shut and to be left alone, but was unable to get up and close it himself.  Joe was wanting the room dark.  He had found that he was more comfortable in the dark than in the daylight.  This was very strange, given the fact that Joe almost had a phobia about dark places.  Now he didn’t feel the least bit anxious when it was dark and wanted to stay in the darkness indefinitely.

    His leg was throbbing and he found it hard to distract himself from the pain.  He was hoping he could fall off into sleep, but he hurt to bad.  He lay in his room staring at the ceiling, trying to remember all the details of the first time he had gone fishing with Rebecca and his other friends.  One way the boys had initiated Rebecca into their group was to make her remove fish from their hooks.  She surprised them all by not only removing the fish, but re-baited them by putting the worms on as well.  Joe lay in the darkness angry at himself that he had not noticed Rebecca sooner than he had, so he could have had more time with her.  Eventually, the medicine began to work, and Joe spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping.
 
 

    Hop Sing had spent the time since the accident worrying about Little Joe.  He had been unable to get most of his work done because he found himself unable to concentrate.  He knew this was going to be a very bad time in the Cartwright household.  The night of the engagement party had been a sign for Hop Sing.  He had felt the dread come over him then, and it had never fully eased.  He stood back and saw Hoss bring Joe through the door and take him upstairs.  He wanted to wait until things had calmed some before he went to check on Mr. Joe.

    Late in the afternoon Hop Sing climbed the stairs to Mr. Joe’s room.  The door was slightly ajar so he walked in without disturbing the sleep young man.  Hop Sing moved to the side of the bed and stood looking down at Mr. Joe.  Mr. Joe looked so peaceful as he slept.   Hop Sing knew though this was not how Mr. Joe was feeling.  He knew this would be Mr. Joe’s greatest test.

    As Hop Sing stood looking at Joe, Ben appeared in the doorway.  He had come to check on Joe and was not at all surprised to see Hop Sing there.  Hop Sing had made it a habit when Joseph was a child to keep check on his youngest if anything was at all wrong with the child.  If Joe was sick, Ben knew where to find Hop Sing.  In Hop Sing’s eyes the rest of the family could wait until he had tended to Little Joe.

    “How is he?”  Ben whispered.

    Hop Sing put his finger to his lips to quiet Mr. Ben.  He then walked out of Joe’s room and the two men talked quietly in the hall.  “Mr. Cartwright,  this very bad.  He not going to be okay for long time.  It very bad.”

    “Yes, Hop Sing I know that.  He’s going to need a lot of our help.”

    “Mr. Cartwright, Hop Sing hope that enough.”

    Sometimes Ben found Hop Sing to speak in riddles.  He looked at his cook and just shook his head.  “It will be Hop Sing.”
 
 

    Hoss asked to be the one to take Joe’s supper up to him that evening.  He had not been able to spend much time alone with his little brother since the accident.  He wanted to see for himself if Joe was doing okay.  When he entered his brother’s room it was dark and Joe was asleep.  He set the tray down and gently shook his brother’s shoulder.  “Joe, wake up buddy.  It’s supper time.”

    Joe reluctantly woke to see his brother looking down on him.  “Huh?”

    “Joe, it’s supper time, little buddy.”

    “Hoss, I’m not hungry.  You eat it.”  Joe told him quietly.

    “You’ve got to eat so you can get better.”  Hoss said, trying to coax Joe into eating.

    Joe thought to himself.  “Get better?  Hoss, I don’t want to get better.”  But he said instead,  “Then just leave it there, and I’ll eat it.”

    “Well, Joe.  I thought maybe we could talk a little bit.”

    Joe did not want to eat and wanted to talk even less.  He looked at his brother and felt he should let Hoss talk.  “What do you want to talk about?”

    “Well, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about Rebecca.”

    “Oh God.”  Joe thought.  “I can’t talk about this.  Go away and leave me alone, Hoss”  Joe’s face was expressionless as he said,  “Uh, Hoss.  Listen, my leg is really hurting.  Do you think maybe we can talk later?”

    “Sure Joe.  Anything you ask.  Now you eat up.  You don’t want Hop Sing after you do ya?”

    After Hoss left, Joe looked over at the bottle of medicine that sat on his night table.  He opened the bottle and took a sip.  He paused and thought a moment, and then took another sip.  He wanted to sleep and this made him do it.  He laid down and waited to feel sleep overtake him.
 
 

    A routine day for Joe passed with him sleeping through most of it.  The light in his room remained dim and the curtains remained closed.  He kept to himself, but would talk to his family when one or more would stop by his room.  He tried as hard as he could to appear interested in what they were talking about, but it was difficult.  His leg hurt most of the time, and he used it as a reason to stop talking when he felt the conversation was moving too close to something he didn’t want to talk about, or if he wanted to sleep.  He had lost his appetite completely and only ate when someone sat in his room and watched him.

    As the days passed, Adam and Hoss were growing more and more concerned over Little Joe.  They had expected a different reaction from their youngest brother.  Both had expected Joe to be angry and difficult to be with.  What they had instead was a complacent, docile stranger in their house.  Ben, on the other hand, could understand Joe’s reaction, having been through the loss himself.  Adam and Hoss felt they needed to speak with their father regarding their concerns and began the conversation one evening at supper.

    “Pa, we’ve got to talk about Joe.”  Adam broached the subject.

    “What do we need to discuss?”  Ben asked, instinctively looking at Joe’s empty chair.

    “Something is really wrong.”  Hoss answered. “It’s like he’s not Joe anymore.  He sleeps most of the time, and when he’s not sleeping he is starin’ at the ceiling or a wall. When you talk to him he answers, but it’s there’s no life in him.”

    “Exactly.” Adam added.  “He lays up there all day and does nothing.”

    “Well Adam what do you expect him to be doing?”  Ben questioned his eldest.

    “I expect him to want to do more than sleep.  Every time I try to talk to him about anything other than the weather, he complains about how bad he’s hurting and wants to sleep.  Pa, I know Joe has been through a terrible ordeal and losing Rebecca is a nightmare, but I don’t think it is doing him any good at all for him to be held up in that room. Have you noticed he has not said her name, asked about the accident, nothing.”

    “And Pa, he’s not eating much at all.”  Hoss pointed out.  “We haven’t seen him cry or nothin’ since that first day he found out.”

    Boys, I hear what you’re saying, but what can we really do?  He is in a lot of pain, and he’s very upset.  I cannot tell him how he needs to be.  Everyone handles these things differently.”

    “I know.  It’s just that I’m wondering if maybe we should get him out of that room.  It would be a start to getting him back into his regular life.”  Adam suggested.

    “Paul is coming out tomorrow, so I’ll talk to him about it.  Hoss, Adam, your brother is very lucky to have you two looking out for him.  I’ll think about what you both said.”  Ben assured them.

    During the evening as Ben sat by the fire, he contemplated what would be best for Little Joe.  Ben knew Joe needed time and he was more than willing to do anything to help.  He just didn’t know what was needed.  He decided not only would he talk to Paul, he also would try to talk to Joe.  Joe had been very closed-mouthed with his father, as he had with everyone else, but Ben was going to try to get through to his youngest.  If anyone could understand, it was Ben.

    The following day, Paul arrived as scheduled.  Before he went up to see Joe, Ben asked to speak with him.  “Paul, I need to speak with you about Joe, before you see him.”

    “Certainly, Ben.”

    “I know this is going to be a long recovery for Joe, but there is something going on with him that has caused us all concern.  He’s sleeping all the time.  He doesn’t eat unless someone sits in his room and watches him.  He’s not talking hardly at all, and when he does he is so agreeable.  He hasn’t tried to get out of bed once.  Now you know Joseph, and that is not my son.”

    “Um...Your right.  That does not sound like the Joe I know.  Any other things going on?  Is he crying a lot or bad dreams?”

    “I haven’t seen him cry, and neither has Hoss or Adam.  He isn’t talking at all about the accident or Rebecca.  I haven’t noticed any bad dreams, but I don’t think he’d tell me right now.”  Ben reported.

    “Well, there is something called melancholia.  I don’t know much about it, but its something in the mind.  It is where the mind starts taking over for the body, and the person seems to lose all hope.”

    “What’s the treatment?”

    “That I don’t know, Ben.  I know people are sent to special places sometimes if it gets really bad.”

    “You mean an insane asylum?”

    “Yes, but I don’t think Joe would ever get that bad.”

    “Oh no, and even if he was really bad off, I would never have him sent somewhere like that.  We can get him through this.”

    “Yes, if any family can its this one.  Now let me go see Joseph.”

    Ben went upstairs with Dr. Martin.  Joe was asleep when they entered the darkened room.

    “Joe, son.  Wake up. Dr. Martin is here to take a look at you.”

    Joe was dreaming he and Rebecca were racing against each other each on horseback.  This was something they used to do quite frequently as children.  Joe had lost many a race to Rebecca until he had gotten Cochise.  After that, he never lost a race.  Rebecca had complained that it was no longer fun to race him, so Joe offered to let her ride Cochise.  Cochise was usually very resistant to allowing anyone other than Joe to ride her, but the horse had allowed Rebecca with little fuss.  When Joe asked her how she had gotten his horse to let her ride, she pointed out he was not the only one who carried sugar for the pinto.  She had been giving Cochise sugar for weeks in order to befriend the high strung animal.

    Ben’s voice broke through Joe’s dream and ended it.  Joe reluctantly opened his eyes and looked at his father and Dr. Martin.  He was angry that they were bothering him.

    Joe addressed the two men standing before him in the flat tone that had developed since his accident.  “Pa,  Dr. Martin.”

    “Ben can you get us some light in here, and I’ll take a look at Joe’s leg.”  Paul said.

    Ben walked over and opened Joe’s curtains.  The light came streaming into the room.  When Ben turned back to look at the doctor, he also got a good look at his son.  Ben was taken back by what he saw.  Joe was very pale and had dark circles under his eyes.  He had lost weight and looked frail.

    Paul had pulled back the blankets and was looking at Joe’s leg.  He too had noticed how poorly Joe looked.  As he touched the leg, Joe jumped from the pain.

    “Sorry for that, Joe.”  Paul apologized.

    “It’s all right.”  Joe replied.

    “You in a lot of pain?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Have you got any of that medicine left that I gave you?”

    “No.”
    Ben was surprised to hear that Joe had been without the pain medicine.  “Son, how long have you been doing without?”

    Joe had been using the medicine to help him sleep, so he had run out a lot sooner than he should have.  He had then resorted to shear willpower to cope with the pain.  “Not long.”  Was what he answered.

    “Well, I’ve got some more for you.”  Paul reassured Joe.

    Joe was relieved to hear this.  He had wondered how he was going to keep away the pain enough to sleep.

    “Joseph,  your leg looks okay.  You need to be eating more to get your strength back so you can heal faster.  We need to start getting you up and about soon too.  Ben, he’s going to be on crutches for a long time, so you may want to think of moving his room downstairs for a while.  I don’t  want him to go up and down the stairs.  It’s too risky.  I brought some crutches with me, so I’ll leave them with you.”

    Joe listened to the doctor, but didn’t care what he had said.  He was not hungry and food had no taste.  He knew Hop Sing had tried to cook him all kinds of foods he usually liked, but he didn’t like them anymore.  He found he’d stopped liking a lot of things.  It seemed it took too much energy to care.  He wanted his father and the doctor to leave, so he could go back to sleep.  He was annoyed that the doctor had told his father to move him to the downstairs bedroom.  He didn’t want to be in there.  He wanted to stay right where he was.

    “Joe, I’m going to walk Paul out and then I’d like to talk to you for a while.  I’ll be back in a minute.”  Ben told his son.

    Joe watched them walk out his door.  He wished he could walk out the door.  He wished he could get away from everyone and everything.  He certainly didn’t want to talk to his father.  Joe had a good idea what his father wanted to talk about and he dreaded it.  He looked around his room to find something to distract him from his father.  He knew he couldn’t get to sleep fast enough.  He wished he’d had some of the pain medication right now, so at least he could dull his thoughts.

    Ben returned to Joe’s room and saw Joe looking around.  “Looking for something?”

    “Yeah. An escape.”  Joe thought, but said. “No.”

    Ben sat down in the chair next to Joe’s bed and began to speak.  “Joe, your brothers and I are worried about you.  You’ve been sleeping an awful lot and you’re not eating.  You don’t talk much to us, and I wanted to find out what I can do to help you.”

    “Leave me alone.  That’ll help.”  Joe thought, but said, “Its just my leg hurting.  It’s really hurting right now. Can we talk later?”

    “No we need to talk now.  I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I think this is important.”  Ben persisted.

    “Great!  Nothing is important anymore Pa.  Don’t you get it!?”  Joe thought, but only looked at his father.

    “Joe we need to talk about Rebecca...” Ben looked at his son and Joe stared at the floor.

    Joe began to think. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”  It became a mantra in his head.

    “Son, I know you are hurting so badly, but you need to talk about it.  I know I didn’t want to talk about your mother’s death, but I found it was the only way to let go.”

    “Let go?!!  I don’t want to let go!”  Joe thought.

    “Son, look at me.”

    “Damn it, Pa.  Why are you doing this?”  Joe thought.  He raised his eyes and looked at his father.

    Ben was again thrown at what he saw, or rather, didn’t see in Joe’s eyes.  One of Joe’s most alluring characteristics was the twinkle in his eyes.  Ben saw it was gone.  Joe’s eyes looked dull and lifeless.  What Ben saw scared him.

    “Joe, tell me what’s going on with you.”

    “What do you think is going on with me, Pa?  She’s dead!  Rebecca’s dead!” Joe thought, but just shook his head.

    “You can’t keep this all bottled up inside of yourself.  We’re all here to help you.”

    “Did I ask for any help?” Joe thought, but said  “I don’t feel like talking right now.”

    Ben was beginning to feel frustrated with Joe’s resistance.  “Joe, you need to, son.”

    “Since when do you know what I need?  I need to be with Rebecca.  That’s what I need.”  Joe thought.  He said, “There’s nothing to say other than...she’s um,  uh  dead and I’ve got to live with that.”

    “Yes, you do have to live with it, son.  But we can help.  Please let us.”  Ben put his hand on top of his son’s.

    Joe knew his father would persist with talking until Joe gave him  some of what his Pa was looking for.  Joe continued to look at his father and decided he did have one thing he wanted to know.  “Tell me about the accident.  I still don’t remember it.”

    “Why don’t you tell me what you remember.”  Ben thought this tactic may get Joe to open up a little.

    Joe had replayed that day in his head over and over.  He didn’t want to say it out loud.  Why had he asked his father to tell him about the accident?  Joe looked back at the floor.  “Um,  I remember that morning going into town...I remember going to her house.”  As Joe started to tell his father, he relived that day once more.  “ We went for a ride to... um...talk.  I drove us to a meadow, and we got out and sat in the grass.  We um looked at...”  Joe could not talk about the wedding invitation.  “Uh, something she had brought with us.  We talked some more and then, we um...we uh...”  Joe did not want to tell his father he and Rebecca had made love.  It was far too private.  “We...we talked...we …”

    Ben realized what his son was trying not to say.  “I understand, son.”

    Joe looked at his father.  He saw his father knew what he was not saying.  “That’s where it all ends.  After we...uh talked.”

    Ben thought over what his son had said and had not said.  He realized his son’s last memories were of making love to Rebecca.  It made Ben even more sad for his son.  “Well Joe, what Roy has been able to put together is that you and Rebecca were riding in the buckboard and she was driving the team.”

    “Wait, she was driving the team?”  This took Joe by surprise.  “Why was she driving the team?”

    “We don’t know son.  Do you have any idea?”

    Joe tried to think.  He did not know why Rebecca would be driving the buckboard.  He’d let her lead the team?  Why?  Then he remembered her asking him how he drove the buckboard when they were on their way out to the meadow.  Had he let her drive the horses?  Joe felt himself getting upset.  He thought to himself,  “Oh, my God!  Why did I do that?  It shouldn’t have happened.  She shouldn’t have been the one driving the horses.  I had to have let her do it!  I killed her!  She didn’t know how to drive the horses, and I obviously didn’t help her!”

    Ben saw Joe’s eyes moving back and forth, as his son thought about the accident.  It looked like Joe was becoming worked up.  “Son, you okay?”

    “Uh, yeah.  I uh… just can’t remember.”  Joe mentally brought himself back to his father’s conversation.  “I don’t know.”

    “Son, it was no one’s fault.”  Ben said, trying to help his son.

    “Yes it is, Pa.  It’s mine.”  Joe thought.  Joe asked, “What caused the accident?”

    “I don’t know.  Roy didn’t say.  I can ask him if you’d like.”

    “Could you?”  Joe asked.     “Yes I sure will.  I also wanted to tell you that I think it’s time for you to get out of bed some.  We are going to set you up downstairs like Paul suggested and get you out and about.”

    Joe was unable to think of an argument that his father would accept regarding his staying in his own room.  He was still reeling from the news of Rebecca having been the one to drive the horses.

    “Joe let me help you get dressed, and then I’ll have Hoss come and help you get downstairs.”  Ben suggested.

    “You mean me go downstairs now?”  Joe asked.

    “Seems as good a time as any, wouldn’t you say.”  Ben tried to be cheerful as he spoke.

    “Can I just stay here a little longer?  I’m really tired, and I want to take a nap.” Joe was hoping to at least have a little more time in his room.  He slept best in his own bed.

    “Tell you what.  I’ll go and get the medicine Paul left for you, and then you can take a nap.  I’ll make sure Hop Sing’s got you some clean clothes, and we’ll get you downstairs.  We can get that room ready while you sleep.”  Ben left to retrieve the medicine.

    The only thing Joe felt was good about what his father had told him was that he was going to get the medicine to take away the pain.  The more he focused on the previous conversation with his father, the more upset he felt.  He couldn’t understand why he had let Rebecca drive the buckboard.  If only he could take that back, he would have her with him again.  “What a stupid, stupid thing you did.” Joe thought to himself.

    Ben returned and gave Joe the bottle of pain killer.  Joe waited until his father left the room and then took a long draw on the bottle.  He felt the warm sensation as his body accepted the relief.

    While Joe slept Ben enlisted Hop Sing to help him get the guest room ready to move Joe.  After they got the room ready, Ben asked about clean clothes for Joe.  Hop Sing was offended that Mr. Cartwright would even think he did not have clean clothes for Little Joe.  “Mr. Cartwright, Hop Sing take good care of Little Joe.  He have everything he need.  You think Hop Sing do not think!”

    “Calm down, Hop Sing.  I know you take good care of Joe.  I just asked.”  Ben tried to calm his temperamental cook.

    “Hop Sing get Little Joe’s clothes.”  He said stomping off.

    Hop Sing quickly returned with a pile of folded clothes. He also had brought Joe’s green jacket. Dr. Martin had returned it earlier that day when he had come to check on Joe.  Hop Sing set the clothes on the bed.  He took the jacket and walked out to where the family had habitually left their coats, hats and guns.  He went to hang up the jacket and noticed there was something stiff in the pocket.  He opened the pocket and pulled out an invitation.  Hop Sing read the invitation and became choked up.  Ben had followed him out into the great room and saw Hop Sing reading the piece of paper.  He also saw Hop Sing’s reaction.

    “What is it?”  Ben asked.

    Hop Sing just handed Ben what he was reading and walked into the kitchen.  Ben read the invitation and closed his eyes.  “Oh Lord.  Please help us with this.”  Ben prayed.

    Joe slept and dreamed most of the afternoon.  Ben checked in on him periodically.  Joe finally woke around three.  He reached for the bottle of pain killer as soon as he was totally lucid.  He took a smaller amount than he had been using lately, so he would not fall back asleep.  He knew his father was going to stick to the plan of moving him downstairs, so he thought he’d keep himself awake for a little while.

    Ben eventually checked in on Joe again and saw his son awake.  “Hey, you ready to try this?”

    “No.”  Joe thought, but said, “Uh huh.”

    “Okay lets get you dressed.”  Ben pulled back the blankets and helped his son sit up.  Joe had done very little sitting since he had been injured and felt himself get dizzy.  He then felt a little nauseous.  “This is not going to be good.”  Joe thought to himself.

    Given the splint on Joe’s leg, it was obvious he was not going to be able to get his pants on.  Ben solved the problem by ripping the right pant leg up to the thigh.  “After all the times I yelled at you for coming home with the knees torn out of your pants.”  Ben shook his head smiling.  “I just took a good pair of your trousers and tore them up”

    Ben thought he would at least get a smile out of his son, but Joe just looked at him with a blank face.  He wondered when he would get his son back to the way he was before this had happened.  He wondered if he ever would.

    Ben helped Joe put on his shirt.  Joe’s ribs and shoulder were still sore, so he moved lightly.  It took a bit of maneuvering, but they were able to get Joe’s pants on as well.  Joe felt exhausted after dressing.  He could not believe the amount of energy a simple thing as getting dressed had required.

    “I’m going to get Hoss to help you downstairs.”  Ben said, leaving the room.

    “I really don’t want Hoss to carry me.” Joe thought.  Hoss doing that made Joe feel too dependent and too vulnerable.  Joe grabbed the medicine bottle and put it in his shirt pocket.  He decided he could make it downstairs on his own.  He was able to stand and did not put any weight on his leg.  He then tried to take a step.  Joe saw white as the pain shot through him.  His eyes watered, and he fainted dead away.

    Hoss and Ben were coming up the stairs when they heard Joe fall.  They ran into his room to see him on the floor.  “Joe!”  Hoss and Ben cried out together.

    Joe began to come around and his leg throbbed.  He moaned and opened his eyes.

    “Joe, what on earth were you doing, boy!”  Ben asked going to is son on the floor.

    “I…just…stepped…wrong.”  Joe said through gritted teeth.

    “You shouldn’t step at all.”  Ben scolded.

    “No kidding, Pa.  I think I figured that out.”  Joe thought to himself, but said,  “Yeah, pretty stupid.”

    “Here Joe.  I’ll get you.”  Hoss said and easily scooped up his brother.  Hoss noticed Joe felt lighter and made a vow to fatten him up some.  He carried Joe downstairs and put him on the couch.

    The movement from his room to the couch increased Joe’s pain immensely.  He lay on the couch with his head back waiting for the pain to decrease.  He wanted to drink the whole bottle of medicine, but knew he was being watched.  Joe was wondering why it was such a big deal for him to be on the couch.  He knew he’d feel much better in his room.

    Adam came in soon after Joe had been moved to the downstairs.  He saw his brother on the couch and felt relief that Joe was at least out of his room.

    “Joe, it’s good to see you out of your room.  How do you feel?”  Adam expressed concern.     Joe wanted to answer by saying “Oh I’m great Adam.  Never better, and you?” but he knew he was just being smart, and it would lead to someplace he did not want to go to with Adam.  He thought to himself, “Why does everyone want me out of my room?  I want to be in my room!  Why do they act like there is nothing wrong, and I’m just going to be all better.  I know they don’t know what to do with me.  Huh,  that means at least we agree on that.”

    “I’m hurtin’ some, but I’ll be okay.”  Joe told Adam.

    “Well, you just take it easy right now.  You have plenty of time to recuperate.  You know I was thinking, and I have a way you can help me, if you’re up for it.  I have some ledgers I need some attention given to.  I’ve stuck in all sorts of pieces of paper into them and everything needs to be catalogued and written down.  I’ve been running the tallies in my head, but I’m afraid they are getting away from me.  Interested?”

    “No.” Joe thought.  “I’m not interested.  I don’t want to sit and take care of meaningless numbers.  That’s your idea of important, Adam.  Not mine.”  But Joe said to his brother,  “Yeah,  I’ll do it.  Bring it here.”

    Adam was surprised when Joe easily agreed.  “You can start on it tomorrow.  There’s no hurry.”

    Ben brought in the crutches for Joe and put them by the couch.  Joe looked at them, but had no desire to use them.  He wanted to sleep, not walk.

    Hoss approached Joe cautiously.  “Hey Short Shanks, you up to a game of checkers?”

    Joe did not want to play checkers.  He thought this had gotten to comedic proportions.  What were they going to do?  Keep him occupied on stupid things until they thought he would have forgotten about Rebecca.  He wanted to ask them.  “When is it I am supposed to forget?  When is it I am supposed to just go on as if she never existed?”

    “Yeah, Hoss.  I’ll play.”  Joe told is brother.

    Hoss and Joe played checkers and Hoss won every game.  Hoss knew Joe wasn’t concentrating and was almost relieved when Hop Sing called them for dinner.  Joe used the crutches for the first time to walk to the table.  He did not want to eat, but knew he could not get out of it.  Joe sat uncomfortably in a chair he had not been in for many days.  He tried to limit what he put on his plate, so that he would not have to eat much.

    Ben was pleased to see his whole family at the dinner table.  He looked from one son to the other.  He was so proud of his boys.  He knew each was very different from the other, but he liked each for their own qualities.  He knew this was what made him make it through his pain.  He hoped Joe could do the same.

    Joe sat and moved the food around his plate.  He felt if he ate anything else he’d be sick.  He had several glasses of wine, as he stalled with the food.  He wanted to be excused, but knew his father was watching him.  He thought he would sit there as the dutiful son until his father released him from his family obligation.

    Ben had noted Joe’s lack of eating.  “Joseph, you need to eat.  I want all of that on your plate gone.”

    Joe hadn’t heard his father say something like that in a long time.  He felt as if he were ten again.  “Why don’t you leave me alone?” Joe thought, getting increasingly more angry.  He took a few more bites and just knew he was going to lose it.  He got up quickly from the table and, using the crutches, went outside.  He was sick to his stomach, losing what dinner he had eaten.  The sudden movements made his leg feel as if it were on fire.

    He stood out in the fresh air breathing deeply trying to handle the pain as his father approached.  “You all right, Joe?”  Ben cautiously asked.

    “Um hum.”  Joe answered.

    Ben put his arm around his son.  “Joe, I love you, and I am here for you.”

    “Pa, I know that.  I just need some fresh air.  I’ll be okay.”  Joe knew his father was hurting because of Joe’s problems.  He did not like it, but felt powerless to do anything about it.  He could not take care of his father, especially since he could not take care of himself

    “You come on in when you feel better.”  Ben said, realizing Joe wanted some time by himself.

    “I will, Pa.  Don’t worry.  I’m fine.”  Joe reassured his father.

    Joe stayed outside for the remainder of the evening,  He slowly made his way to the barn and looked in on Cochise.  He rubbed her ears and talked quietly to her.  He saw that she had been well taken care of in his absence.  He thought it was probably Hoss tending to her, since Hoss was so good with animals, and he seemed to be the one Cochise’s care fell to if Joe was unable to do it himself.  Although Joe loved his horse deeply, he noted that he no longer seem to feel as if Cochise were all that special.  It was strange how he’d changed.  He looked at the paint and wondered if he would care about anything, ever again.  “Cooch, I miss her so much.”  He managed to say.

    Joe sat outside not wanting to return to the house.  He was sitting on the porch out of view of anyone who may walk through the yard.  He heard the bunkhouse door open and close, and someone walked out.  “Can’t I be alone anywhere?”  Joe asked himself.

    He looked at who was walking toward him and saw it was Phillips, one of the hands who worked the cattle.  Joe had known Phillips a while.  He thought Phillips was a pretty nice guy with some big problems.  The biggest was Phillips was a drinker.  Joe did not know if anyone else knew about the drinking, but he had seen the cowhand drink on numerous occasions when Phillips thought no one was watching.  Joe sat watching the man and noticed the man pulled out a bottle of whiskey and began to drink.  Joe decided to call the man over.  “Hey, Phillips.”

    The man jumped at hearing his name.  Phillips turned and saw the youngest Cartwright sitting in the dark with his leg propped up.  “Oh, hey, Little Joe.  I didn’t see ya’ there.”  He said as he tried to hide the bottle.

    “Come on over and have a seat.  Bring the bottle with you.”  Joe told the concerned man.

    Phillips walked over and sat next to Joe.  He offered Joe the bottle which Joe quickly accepted and took a long drink.  Joe was relieved to find some way to escape.

    “Little Joe, I’m awfully sorry to hear about your fiancee, and your leg, and everything.”  Phillips offered his condolences.

    “Geez, does everybody have to talk about it.”  Joe thought.  He said, “Thanks Phillips, but you and I will get along just fine if you never mention it again.”

    “Sure, Joe.  What ever you want.”

    The men settled in to quietly getting drunk.  Joe felt the alcohol work just as the pain medicine had.  It stopped the thinking, and it stopped the feeling.  It brought numbness which was openly welcomed.  When the bottle was finished, Joe sat and stared at the ground.  His mind was blank; the only thoughts being of the wooden boards he was looking at on the porch.

    “Well Joe, morning comes quick.  It’s time for me to turn in.”  Phillips said getting up to leave.

    “Phillips, you come out here often?”  Joe said, slurring his words.

    “Well…I uh…”     “How ‘bout we meet tomorrow night.  A little later, though.  After every one’s gone to sleep.  You bring a bottle, and I’ll bring my sunny disposition.”  Joe attempted to make light of his mood.

    “You got it, Joe.  ‘Night.”  Phillips said walking off.

    “Night.”  Joe returned the courtesy.

    Joe sat a while longer before he got up and returned to the house.  He had difficulty managing the crutches in his inebriated state.  He stepped hard on his leg, but felt very little of the pain.  As he attempted to make it through the door, Hoss quickly jumped up from his place on the couch to help.  Hoss held the door and helped steady his brother.  Joe looked at him with glassy eyes.

    “Joe, something wrong?”  Hoss asked, not understanding what had contributed to his younger brother’s current condition.

    “Nope.”  Joe answered and walked to his ‘new’ bedroom ignoring the others in the room.  Once in the room, he shut the door and hobbled over to the bed.  He sat down and let out a big sigh.  There was a knock on the door.

    “Yeah?”  Joe asked, knowing he needed to keep his words short in order to hide his current state.

    Ben opened the door.  “You need any help?”

    “I was helped just fine tonight Pa, thank you very much.  It’s the only kind of help I want.”  Joe thought.  He knew he couldn’t let his Pa to close to him.  “Um, no.  I got it.”

    “Here, let me help.”  Ben approached.

    Joe thought fast and said.  “Um…I need a glass of water.”

    “Okay, son I’ll get you one and then be back to help you.  Oh and I’ll run upstairs and get the blanket off of your bed.”  Ben said, leaving the room.

    Joe worked as quickly as he could, given his condition, to get his shirt off.  He pulled back the covers of the bed.  He then pulled the boot off of his good leg and was grateful he had not had one on his broken leg.  He knew the pants would be impossible to get off, so he swung his legs into bed and pulled up the covers.  Ben returned just as he had finished undressing.

    “Well, you certainly got into bed quick, Joseph.  Here’s your water.”  Ben handed the glass to Joe.  He also spread out the retrieved blanket.  It seemed that Joe was acting strange, but Ben thought that acting strange was getting to be normal with his youngest son.

    Joe took the water from his father, took a sip and placed it on the bed table.  “’Night, Pa.”  Joe said, closing his eyes.

    Ben shook his head.  “Good night, son.” And walked out of the room.

    The alcohol made it easy for Joe to fall asleep.  He drifted off with thoughts of Rebecca.  The dreams came as usual and he began resting peacefully.  He was having a dream that had occurred several times before.  Suddenly the dream began to change…  Rebecca was laughing and looking at him fondly.  He loved that smile and laugh.  They were lying side-by-side in a field, both on their sides, propped up on their elbows.  He reached for her and she fell backwards away from him.  The ground opened up and she began sinking into it.  Her arms were placed  across her chest, and her eyes were closed.  Joe looked up and saw a headstone.  Rebecca’s name was on it.  “Don’t go.  Please don’t go. No Rebecca! No!  You can’t die!”  Joe woke with a start.  He was covered with sweat and breathing heavily.

    He tried to shake off the nightmare and fall back to sleep, but he was anxious.  He did not want to have the dream return.  His sleep had been what he felt had kept his sanity.  If he had only been left alone in his own room this would not be happening.  He started to feel angry.  Joe reached for his shirt on the floor and pulled out the bottle.  He took a long drag and tried to breath deeply.  He waited to go numb.

    Hop Sing had heard Joe cry out and had gone to the guest room door.  He stood and listened at the door, but heard no further sounds from inside the room.  He returned to his bed, but did not return to sleep.  He kept diligent watch, listening to hear if the young man needed him.

    Joe spent his days laying on the couch, trying to look like he was busy.  He usually would sit with a book in his lap and stare at the pages.  He would turn a page every so often, just to make it look good to whomever may be watching him.  He continued to meet Phillips at night and was drinking heavily.  He had finished the bottle of pain medicine and was not sure how to get more.  The pleasant dreams that had once been present for him, were all but gone.  They had been replaced by a series of nightmares.  Joe began to wake in the night and be unable to return to sleep.  He would eventually get out of bed and go into the great room.  He would stoke the fire up and sit and stare into it.

    Joe sat staring into the fire with his thoughts on dying..  He wanted for something to happen that would take him out of the world.  He focused on how unfair it had been that Rebecca was gone, and he had to stay in his life.  He was trapped.  Something had happened inside of him.  He felt it.  He could not cry for her, he could not talk about her, and he could not stop thinking about her.  He cared about nothing else.

    Joe tried to think of what used to be important to him.  What was it?  His family?  Yes they were important, but he found that Rebecca had made him feel like a man.  His family did that in certain ways, but it was different.  She completed him.  She gave him a feeling he had never experienced before.  What else was supposed to be important?  The Ponderosa?  Joe just could not find the value in the ranch anymore.  He knew his father had built the place out of love and had given each of his sons that love, but Joe could no longer feel it.  He thought that if something came along to take the Ponderosa, it would mean nothing to him.

    Joe was looking at the fire when a spark popped out of the fireplace and landed on the rug.  He watched the rug ignite.  He sat thinking,  “That’s going to burn the place down.”  But did nothing to stop the fires progress.  He became fascinated with the fire and thought,  “This is it.  I’ll just let it take me.  Thank you, God.”  The fire had begun to take hold and was moving towards him.  He sat back and waited for it to hit.

    Hop Sing had not slept well since Joe had been moved downstairs.  He heard the young man crying out in the night.  He also would hear Joe get up in the night.  Hop Sing would then enter the great room in the morning to see Joe asleep on the couch.  He had shared this with Mr. Ben just the previous morning, and Mr. Ben had asked Hop Sing to wake him the next time this occurred.

    That night, Hop Sing had dozed off and had not heard Joe’s cries in the night, nor had he heard Joe move into the great room.  He woke to the smell of smoke and leaped out of bed.  He ran into the great room to see the rug on fire.  Hop Sing yelled loudly in Cantonese.  This broke the spell Joe was under.  Joe had been laying down, so he did not think Hop Sing had seen him awake.

    The yell woke the remainder of the family.  Hoss, Adam and Ben ran down the stairs.  They saw the cook frantically attempting to put out the fire.  The three joined in, and the fire was quickly out.

    “What the hell happened?”  Adam asked.

    “Hop Sing, what’s going on?”  Ben demanded.

    “Mr. Joe fall sleep.  Fire come out on rug.”  Hop Sing said, looking at Joe.

    Joe was relieved Hop Sing had not seen him.  His heart which had been racing after Hop Sing screamed, began to return to normal

    “Son, are you okay?”  Ben asked Joe.

    “Uh,  yeah, I’m fine.”  Joe said.

    Ben rechecked the rug to insure the fire was out and then said, “ Well it’s late, and we can clean this up in the morning.  Everyone back to bed.  Joseph, you need to go back to into your room.”

    Joe used his crutches and returned to bed.  He lay in bed thinking about what had occurred.  He was angry the fire had been stopped.

    Weeks passed and Joe’s days hardly varied from one another.  He would hobble outside during the day and sit on the porch.  He grew darker in his thoughts as he could no longer escape them during the day.  He was thinking about how much he hated life when he heard a buggy approach.  He looked up to see who was approaching.  It was John and Maggie Larson.  Tied to the back of the buggy was Marc Antony, Rebecca’s palomino gelding, a gift from Joe when he had proposed.

    Joe felt himself grow ill.  He had not seen them since the accident.  “Oh, no.  Please don’t do this to me.”  Joe thought.  He remained seated on the porch praying he was asleep and this was all a dream.

    Maggie had seen Joe sitting on the porch and held back a gasp.  The handsome young man looked horrid.  He was pale and gaunt.  He had dark circles under his eyes.  What was most striking was the vacant expression on Joe’s face.  John noted how Joe looked as well.  John’s heart went out to Joe.  It was obvious Joe was tortured over the loss of Rebecca.

    “Hello, Little Joe.”  John said, extending his hand.

    Joe stood as they approached and extended his hand, but he made no eye contact. John shuttered when he felt the lack of grip in Joe’s handshake.  “Mr. Larson.  Mrs. Larson.”  Joe said in his flat tone.

    Ben had heard the buggy approach and was through the door as the Larson’s greeted Joe.  “John, Maggie, how nice to see you.”  Ben extended his hand.  The  two men shook hands.

    “We wanted to come by and check on Joe.”  Maggie said looking at Joe.

    Joe thought “You shouldn’t have.  I killed your daughter.”  But he said nothing.

    The four stood looking awkward until Ben remembered his manners and asked everyone to sit.

    “Oh, yes.  Joe you shouldn’t be standing anyway.”  Maggie said her mothering instincts naturally coming out.

    “I shouldn’t be living anyway.”  Joe thought, but just looked at Mrs. Larson.

    The silence was causing everyone except Joe to feel uncomfortable.  Joe wanted it quiet.  John knew there was something he needed to say to Joe.  “Joe, we know Rebecca was driving that buckboard, and I am sorry that you got hurt.”

    Joe wanted to scream and not stop.  Joe’s thoughts exploded in his head.  “NO!!!!  DON’T YOU BLAME HER!!!  DON’T YOU DO THAT TO HER!!!  IT’S MY FAULT!!!”  “DO YOU THINK I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT GETTING HURT?!!  DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IS THE LEAST BIT IMPORTANT TO ME, YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH!  He struggled to keep under control.  He wanted to punch John in the face for what he had said.  He did not want to be absolved of anything.  He wanted them to blame him.  He blamed himself.  He hated himself.  He wanted them to hate him enough to kill him.

    “Son, did you hear what John said?”  Ben tried to get his son to speak.

    Joe breathed deeply and paused before speaking.  “Yes sir, I did.  Mr. And Mrs. Larson, I’m the one who owes you an apology.  I told you I would keep your daughter safe, and I didn’t.”

    This was the first glimmer Ben had to what was going on in his son’s head.  It pained him to hear what Joe had said.

    “No, son.  You are not responsible for the accident.  It was just that, an accident.”  John tried to reassure Joe.  “We know you took good care of her.”

    Joe had nothing left to say.  He knew the truth and these people could say anything they wanted and it didn’t matter.  He was at fault.  He did not want to tell them what was in his head and he knew if they talked much more he would not be able to hold back.  He tried to think of any reason to get up and leave.

    “Joe, you are taking too much of this on your shoulders.  Rebecca loved you so much, and she would not want you to punish yourself.”  Maggie added trying to comfort the sad young man.

    Joe thought to himself, “No one gets it!  They all think I should go happily along and just act like it never happened.  Why shouldn’t I be punished?  Isn’t that’s what has happened.  I’m punished every day I wake up, and she’s not here.  Don’t tell me I shouldn’t be punished, tell God.  Tell Him to take me out of my miserable existence.  Then I’ll no longer be punished.”

    “Uh, Joe.  We wanted to return Marc Antony to you.  We know how much Rebecca loved that horse and how hard you had worked to train the animal.  We know she would want you to take of horse for her.”  John explained.

    Joe just sat and looked at him.  This was too much.  He could not believe they were wanting him to take back Rebecca’s horse.  It wasn’t his; it was hers.  That horse meant they were engaged.  It was how he told her how much he had loved her.  They want him to take it back?

    “Joe?”  Ben asked.

    Joe still sat staring at John Larson.

    “Joseph?”  Ben asked again.

    Still Joe did not respond.
     John got up and untied the horse from the buggy and tied it to the hitching post in front of the house.  This was too much for Joe to take.  He stood and screamed out loud,  “I DON’T WANT THE GOD DAMNED HORSE!  SHOOT IT FOR ALL I CARE!  I NEVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN!  I NEVER WANT TO SEE EITHER OF YOU AGAIN!”  Joe grabbed the crutches and moved quickly into the house.

    The Larson’s and Ben were stunned at Joe’s explosion.  None of them could speak.  Ben wanted to run to his son, but he also knew he had to speak with the Larson’s.  He was torn.

    “Um, John, Maggie, I’m so sorry about that.”  Ben managed to apologize.

    “Ben there’s no need to apologize.  We should have thought more about this.  We thought he’d want the horse.  We’re sorry.”  Maggie responded and began to cry.  “We have all been so hurt by this.  He’s just hurting.”

    “Well you both are very understanding.  He hasn’t expressed his grief since the first day he found out.  This was totally unexpected.”  Ben explained.

    “Maybe it will help him start to get it out.”  John said, offering hope.

    “We can hope.”  Ben answered.

    The Larson’s soon departed leaving the palomino with Ben.  Ben had a ranch hand take the horse somewhere out of sight.  He gave explicit orders the horse was not to be seen by Joseph.  He implied there would be a serious penalty if his wishes were not followed.  He then returned into the house to find his son.

    Joe was in his room upstairs when Ben tracked him down.  Ben had no idea how Joe had negotiated the steps.  Joe was sitting on his bed staring at the floor.  He was expecting his father and dreaded talking.

    “Son…”

    “Look Pa, I’m sorry I talked the way I did.  It won’t happen again.  I’m tired and I want to be alone.”  Joe tried to shut down any communication.

    Ben was unsure if he should address his son’s attitude, or his hurt.  “Son,  I understand you are hurt and upset.  I have been trying to get you to talk for weeks.  Talk to me about it.”

    “No, Pa.  I won’t.”  Joe looked stubbornly at his father.  He was still upset that he had said what he had to the Larson’s.  He was beginning to be unable to keep it all inside.  It was getting away from him.  He was losing control.

    “Joe, please.  I want to help.”  Ben had tears in his eyes as he looked at his son.

    Joe thought,  “Oh no, you’re not going to do this to me.  I’m not going to talk to you.”

    “Son, if anyone knows what you are going through it’s me.”  Ben said quietly.

    “Pa,  I need to be alone today.  You need to give that to me.  I don’t want to talk to you.”

    Ben saw the conversation was going nowhere and he risked further alienating his son.  He could not force Joe to talk, and it made him feel helpless.  He quietly stood up and left his son’s room.  He said as he left.  “I love you, Joseph.”

    Joe stayed upstairs for the rest of the day trying to understand why the words had spilled out of him as they had earlier.  He could not hold it back much longer.  He felt it.

    The family ate dinner as usual.  Hoss and Adam had not been informed about the scene with the Larsons but they sensed something was wrong.  Joe ate quietly, not looking at anyone.  Hoss tried to engage his little brother in small talk, but Joe did not even bother to answer.

    After dinner, Joe went to the downstairs bedroom.  He waited until the others had turned in for the night and then hobbled into the kitchen.  He easily found  the bottle of whiskey.  He took the bottle and went towards the door.  He looked on the credenza by the door and grabbed the other item he needed.  He quietly made his way out the door to the barn.  He sat down on a crate and opened the bottle.  He took several long draws and felt the warmth of the liquid.  It all became very clear to him.  He knew what he had to do.  He continued to drink to remove any further hesitation.  When the bottle was drained he dropped it into the hay.  He was dizzy, but determined.

    He picked up the gun that he had brought out with him.  He looked it over.  It had his name on it.  He rubbed his finger over the engraving.  Joe cocked the gun, closed his eyes and held it to his head.  “Pa, forgive me.”