There was no noise as he sat, eyes closed, holding the cocked gun to his head.  He paused and said, “Pa, forgive me.”

    As he spoke aloud, his hand beginning to tremble.  “I can do this,” he told himself.  “I can make it all just go away.”

    He wanted to sleep: a sleep without dreams; a sleep without pain; a sleep without memories.  All he had to do was to pull back his finger, and it was over.  “Come on, just do it.”  He said to himself.  “Just end it.”

    He held his breath as he decided if he was going to live or die.  Rebecca’s face flashed before him in his mind.  He wanted to be with her desperately.  Then, just as suddenly, his father’s face came into his mind, and he paused as he felt the guilt.  Again he waited for the courage.  He waited for the desperation to send him over the edge, but he had waited too long.

    He opened his eyes and lowered the gun.  He realized that the urgency of the moment had passed.  He had allowed himself to pause too long, and in that pause he had questioned himself.  However briefly the questioning, it brought him away from the desire to die, and away from the need to join his love.  He looked down at the gun once again.  He began to remember when he had been given the weapon, so finely detailed, so lovingly given.  It was a gift from his family.  He realized he could not use it to die.  He could not do that to them.  As little as his life meant to him, he knew to end it the way he had intended, would hurt more than just himself.  He could not do that, no matter how bad he hurt.

    Joe sat in the darkness for hours holding the gun in his hand and thinking of how he could escape the pain.  He had failed at being able to tolerate his feelings, and he had failed at ending his life.  He was at a loss to know how he was going to remain in his body, and be able to live with the hurt that was a constant presence.  There was no escape for him.  He sat waiting for a reprieve.  Finally, when he had decided what he needed to do, he quietly left the barn.

    Ben Cartwright laid in bed running the events of the day over in his head.  The Larson’s visit had provided a glimpse of what was in his youngest son’s head.  Joe was feeling guilty and responsible for Rebecca’s death.  Ben knew only too well how that felt.  He continued to carry guilt regarding Marie’s accidental death, but he had come to accept that it would not help him to dwell on it.  He had to make Joe realize that it was part of grieving to think of the “what ifs”.  However, It was also part of grieving to forgive oneself for not being able to change the event.  He had to get Joe to accept what was and go on with his life.  The problem was, he had no idea how to get through to his son.

    Ben was lost in thought when he heard the downstairs door close.  He got up from his bed and looked out the window.  There was no one in the yard.  Someone had entered the house.  Ben recalled the conversation with Hop Sing regarding Joe’s midnight movements in the house.  He wondered if Joe was the one responsible for the noise downstairs.  He quickly pulled on his robe and walked to the stairs.  At the top of the landing he could make out someone standing by the door, putting something on the credenza.  As he moved down the stairs, he identified the individual easily as Little Joe.  “Son, everything okay?”

    It was obvious that Joe had not heard his father come down the steps.  His father’s voice had caused him to startle, and he jumped.  “Geez, Pa!  You scared me.”

    “I’m sorry.  Why are you up so late, and what are you doing?”

    Joe knew he could not tell his father what had just occurred in the barn.  He could not tell anyone how desperate he had become.  He had to think quickly.  “Uh,  I uh couldn’t sleep, and I was kinda hot, so I went outside to get some air.  Sorry I woke you.”

    Ben looked at his son with some suspicion.  He knew his boy well and felt he could usually tell when Joseph was hiding something.  He was unsure if he was experiencing one of those circumstances.  He had grown so uncertain of his son in many ways.  He could only ask again,  “Are you okay?”

    “Yeah, I’m fine.”  Joe responded in his now familiar flat tone.  He quickly moved away from the credenza in case his father was able to determine what it was Joe had replaced onto it.  He hoped his father could not tell that he had been drinking.  He was unsure how he would handle it if it was noticed.

    Ben moved with his son to the sitting area near the fireplace.  They both sat, and Joe stared into the fireplace.  He felt shaky and unsteady.  He was wanting to sleep, but sleep was so far from him.  He felt certain he would be awake to see the light enter the great room when morning approached.

    “Joseph, we need to talk.”  Ben began.  Ben asked himself how many times he had said that to his youngest over the last few weeks.

    Joe knew he had to talk to his father as well.  He was not ready for the conversation he needed to have and had hoped he could have put it off just a little while longer until he could plan what he wanted to say.  He was not sure he was going to get that luxury.  “Yeah, I know.”  Joe responded.

    “Son, today I realized what it is that has you in such agony.  I didn’t know you felt responsible for Rebecca’s death.”

    The mention of Rebecca’s name made Joe flinch.  He did not like hearing her name out loud.  He believed her name belonged to him alone, and it was sacred.  He looked at his father and felt his insides tearing apart.  “Aren’t I?”  Joe asked himself.  “She would be here if I’d been driving those horses.  I know that.”  He said nothing.

    “I have to tell you Joseph, I know full well what you feel like.  I have not shared with you what it had been really like for me when your mother died.  I know I told you it was difficult.  I told you how much I missed her and how hard it was to keep going, but there were other parts I did not feel you needed to know.  That is until now.  Joe, I had prayed long ago that none of you boys would lose a woman to death the way I have.  My prayer was not answered as I’d hoped, so now I must help you get through this time.  Son, when your mother died, I wanted to die.  I spent days thinking of the ways I could end everything and be with her.”

    “Does he know what I just tried to do?”  Joe asked himself and became very uncomfortable.  He started looking all around the room. Joe had never heard this from his father.  His father had actually thought of ways to die after his mother’s death.  It surprised him.  Joe always felt he and his father had little in common, emotionally.  He viewed his father as so strong and steady.  He knew his father would get angry and sometimes over react, but Joe believed his father could never be as passionate as he was himself.  Somehow he had never allowed himself to think of his father as emotionally vulnerable.  To do this would leave Joe that much more leery of the world.  He had to believe his father was always in control of his passions.

    Ben noticed his son’s restlessness, but continued to talk.  “Joe, there were times during those first weeks and months that I could have easily given into the grief and pain and ended it all.  I didn’t for one reason and one reason only: you three boys.  I realized I had to keep going because there was still love in my life.  There were three wonderful human beings who needed me, and slowly I realized I needed them.  You helped me son more than you will ever know.  You are so much like your mother that as long as I have you, I have her.  I can enjoy her, because you have so many things about you that are a mirror image of Marie.  You know when you chew on your bottom lip?  She did the same thing.  And your mother too was not particularly fond of mornings.  You see Joe, I found ways of keeping your mother alive for myself and then went on with my life.”
    Joe spoke, his voice quiet and without emotion,  “But Pa, I have nothing to hold onto.”

    “Oh, but you do.  You have memories.  You have the time you had with her to think about.”  Ben attempted to point out.

    “But it hurts too much to do that.  I feel like I died when she died.  I can’t find me, Pa.”  The whole time Joe talked he remained staring at the fireplace.  “I changed when I started loving… her.  It was a change that I really liked, and I need her to keep it.  Without her, I’m lost.”

    “Joe, you will become the man you need to be, I have no doubt about that.  Rebecca didn’t do that for you, you did it for yourself.  She just gave you the desire to do it.  Don’t you see that?”

    “No Pa.  You’re wrong about that.  She did it for me.  If it wasn’t her then why hadn’t I done it for you or Hoss or Adam.  You all told me that you liked how I was helping around the place, and I had a good attitude and everything.  Now if she didn’t do that, why weren’t you all enough to make me behave myself?”

    Ben was struck with the depth in his son’s thinking.  Ben had a tendency to view Joseph still as a little boy who was more focused on having fun than doing much thinking about life.  He found it bittersweet.  Joseph was losing his naiveté. To keep his son naïve about much of life had been a fault of Ben’s.  He had overprotected his youngest, he knew that, but it was done out of love and fear.  He wanted Joseph to have the life he could not give to Adam and Hoss when they were Joe’s age.  He carried guilt for his two oldest and the harsh difficulties of the life he had exposed them to in their early years.  He carried guilt for all three of his boys having lost Marie.  This guilt sometimes resulted in Ben overcompensating with his youngest.

    “Joe, you’re the one who decided to work around here.  You decided to change your attitude.  I know you are hurting very badly and everything seems to be very hard to handle, but believe me, there will be more in your life, much, much, more.”  Ben tried to avoid pointing out that Joe was only seventeen, and he would have many more loves in his life.  He knew reminding his son of his age would take a productive conversation and quickly turn it to a battle.

    Joe thought to himself,  “I don’t believe you, Pa.  It was all her, and you can’t convince me otherwise.  I don’t ever want to love again if this is what has to happen.”  He said, “Pa, I am really tired and want to sleep.”

    Ben knew he had lost Joe to any further conversation.  He was encouraged that Joe had said as much as he had.  Ben wondered to himself what had gotten Joe to speak.  He hoped there would be more opportunities to talk again with his youngest. He so much wanted to help Joe begin to put the nightmare behind him.  “Okay Joseph, I’ll see you in the morning.  Oh, uh, well looking at the sun starting to come up, I guess I’ll see you later this morning.”  Ben said, rising to leave.

    Joe stood as well, and hobbled into the downstairs bedroom.  He sat on the bed and thought of what had happened that evening in the barn, or rather what had not happened.  He found he was angry at himself for not being able to carry out the suicide.  He knew he had to find some way to cope with the nightmares and the continuous thoughts of Rebecca.  He felt guilty that he wanted to stop thinking about her.  He felt he was betraying her, but it hurt so bad when he did think of her.  He had to stop his head.

    Joe’s eyes eventually became heavy and he fell asleep sitting up on the bed.  He found the first hours of sleep to be restful.  However, there was to be no relief from the ever-present nightmares…

    Joe was running through a field trying to get to the house.  Every time he moved forward the house moved away.  He looked at the front of the house and saw Rebecca.  She was waving at him and walked inside.  He eventually made it to the house and went in.  It was different inside.  There was no furniture, and the stairs to the second floor were gone.  He heard Rebecca’s voice calling him from upstairs.  He could not figure out how she got up there, nor how he could get up to her.  He yelled, “Rebecca.”  She came to the opening where the stairs should have been.  He smiled at seeing her.  Just then Rebecca fell from above to the floor in front of him.  “No! Rebecca, no!  God, no!  Rebecca?!”

    Joe bolted upright, breathing heavily.  It took him a moment for it to register that what he had experienced had been a dream.  He began to slow his breathing and attempted to get himself under control.  After he had calmed down he realized it was daytime.  He thought to himself this was a day that last night he had no intention of seeing.  He put his head in his hands and tried to clear his thoughts.  He was not successful and decided maybe a change of scenery would help.  He moved slowly into the great room and took up his position on the couch.  He sat there for a few moments still unable to escape himself.  He eventually moved out onto the porch and sat staring at the barn.

    Ben, Hoss and Adam rode up to the ranch house for lunch.  They saw Joe sitting on the porch in the same place he had taken to sitting every day.  All three noticed Joe was deep in thought, looking past them to the barn.  Hoss called out,  “Hey Little Joe.”

    This interrupted Joe’s thoughts, and he looked towards his family.  “Hey.”  He said without enthusiasm.

    “What’s Hop Sing got to eat in there?”  Hoss asked, as the three elder Cartwrights walked towards the porch and Joe.

    “Uh… don’t know.  Didn’t look.”  Joe answered, his apathy apparent.

    “Joe, you just gonna have to notice what’s really important in life.”  Hoss blurted out, not realizing what he had said.

    Ben and Adam winced at Hoss’s words.  Joe thought,  “Hoss, I wish that was all that mattered.  I really do.”  It had been a standing joke in the Cartwright household regarding Hoss and his appetite.  Usually Little Joe was one of the first to chime in with a comment.  It had been a while since Joe had joined in on any of the family joking.  Joe said nothing.

    Adam quickly tried to recover for Hoss,  “Come on in Joe, we gotta fend for ourselves.”

    “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”  Joe responded, not making any effort to move.

    The three moved into the house, with Ben looking over at his youngest.  Joe’s appearance made Ben worry.  He was at a loss as to how to help.  He decided Joe should come in and be with the family.

    “Joseph, come along.”  Ben ordered.

    Joe rolled his eyes, but stood and joined the rest of his family.  Lunch conversation focused around branding records and herd counts.  Joe was not listening, so much of it out of his awareness.  He did not hear his father speak to him.

    “Joseph?  Are you listening?”

    “Uh… oh… what?”  Joe asked, mentally returning to the room.

    “I asked you if you were going to start doing as Dr. Martin had said and try to walk some on your leg?”

    “Uh,  yeah I will.”  Joe said in less than committed tone.

    “Well I think it may be a good idea for you to try, but wait ‘til one of us is around in case you need help.”  Ben advised.

    After lunch the three eldest Cartwrights returned to their running of the ranch.  Joe moved restlessly from one room to another.  He would sit for a few minutes in one place and then was quickly up and moving again.  He felt like a trapped animal.  Eventually he decided that he would move to the barn and go inside.  He looked at where he had sat the previous evening.  “It would have been so easy.”  He said out loud.

    He heard Cochise move in her stall, the horse so aware of the voice of her master.  He looked over at her and then moved to the animal.  Joe tried to talk to the horse as he usually did, but he did not have the usual affectionate tone in his voice.  “Hey, Cooch.  You look good.  I bet you’d love to get out of here and run for a while.”

    Joe knew Hoss would see to it that Cochise was exercised properly, but Joe also knew that as much as he loved to run his pony, she loved to run.  When Joe and Cochise moved, they moved as one.  They both traveled everywhere quickly.  The paint pony had never refused a command from her master.  She trusted only him, but that trust was complete.  Joe felt the same about his mount.  He knew that there was no other horse he could trust to allow him to do some of his more dangerous escapades.

    Joe pulled out a curry comb and stood brushing his horse, although it was evident the horse did not need the attention.  He attempted to focus all of his concentration on the black and white coat he painstakingly groomed.  He leaned on the horse and his crutches to maneuver around the stall.  He picked out already clean hooves and combed a tangle free mane.  He put his head down on her back and closed his eyes for a moment.  At that moment, Joe wished he could cry, but the tears had dried that day he had heard the news in Doctor Martin’s office.
    He eventually raised his head and untied Cochise’s lead rope.  He hobbled slowly out of the barn, the horse moving just as slowly behind him.  He made his way to the small paddock next to the barn.  Working diligently he opened the paddock and freed Cochise into the corral.  Cochise turned as soon as she entered the enclosure as if to wait for her master to join her.  “No, go on and run some.  At least one of us should enjoy the freedom.”  Cochise continued to look at him.  “Go on.”  Joe coaxed.  Eventually, Cochise gave in to her desire to run and began to race around the corral.  Joe stood leaning on a rail watching her.  The desire to runaway filled his heart.

    Joe spent the remainder of his day watching the horse and daydreaming about the past.  He finally left the corral when his family returned home for the evening.  Hoss, ever the faithful brother, re-stabled Cochise when he stabled his own horse.

    The family dined together and then retired to the great room for the remainder of the evening.  Joe occupied himself by trying to undo some stitching on an old bridle.  It allowed him to expend energy pulling against leather, and it was just frustrating enough to keep his mind occupied.  He was dreading nightfall and waited for the rest of the family to retire upstairs.

    Eventually, Joe was left alone downstairs and he made his way out to the porch.  He looked around the yard a while and then moved over to his usual place. He sat there and thought again about returning to the barn, saddling Cochise and taking off.  He cursed himself for his leg being hurt.  He felt it was the only thing that would stop him from leaving.

    As Joe fantasized about riding away, the bunkhouse door opened and Phillips appeared.  Phillips and his boss’s youngest had been meeting regularly outside.  Phillips did not know if Joe would be there that night, but he had weeks ago agreed to meet nightly with Joe.  Phillips knew that the kid was having great difficulties, but he rationalized his supplying the young man with alcohol as just trying to help Joe over a rough spot.  Phillips did not know Joe real well, but he liked the kid.

    Phillips took up his customary position next to the youngest Cartwright.  The two sat in relative silence as they allowed the alcohol to remove the thoughts and feelings they both needed to escape.  Joe found he was growing very accustomed to the warm feeling that took away the pain.  He began to believe this was the only way he was going to live with himself.

    Ben laid in bed tossing and turning.  He had several things on his mind, all of which were enough to keep him from sleeping.  First and foremost was Joseph.  Joe was so quiet and withdrawn.  He wondered if he should try and get some help outside of the family for Little Joe.  He had been so certain that all Joe needed was his family.  He was not as sure now.  He had been encouraged by Joe talking with him the pervious night, but the morning had brought the same solemn stranger who had begun to inhabit his son’s body.

    Ben also had the running of the ranch on his mind.  He knew this paled in comparison to what was going on with Joseph, but knew in a way they were related.  Since the accident, Ben had done little of the management of the ranch.  In the past he could turn the management of the ranch over to Adam, but Adam seemed to be struggling as well.  It seemed Adam was avoiding Joe, and this meant that Adam stayed working outside much more lately, rather than inside balancing the books. Ben knew his eldest was not real comfortable with emotions and tended to shy away, therefore Ben assumed Adam’s distance was due to Adam having a difficult time seeing Joe hurting. Ben did not blame Adam.  It tore out Ben’s heart every time he looked at his youngest.

    Ben finally realized sleep was not going to come for a while and retreated downstairs.  He walked to the fireplace and stoked the fire to provide light into the room.  He lit a lamp and walked over to his desk to attempt once more to balance ledgers.  He worked a while and then decided to go into the kitchen for a light snack.  He passed the door that had become Joe’s bedroom and decided to check on Joseph.  He quietly opened the door to see a made bed.  The room was empty.  “Where was Joseph?”  Ben wondered.

    Ben remembered Joe having come in from outside the previous night and decided to see if Joe was outside once more.  He opened the heavy front door and walked out onto the porch.  Joe was about to finished the bottle he had escaped into and was taking his last drink when his father appeared.  Ben had moved over to where his son had taken to sitting over the last few weeks and saw Joe finishing the bottle.

    “What’s going on here!?”  Ben shouted, terrified at the scene he was seeing.  He could not believe he was seeing Joseph, slouched in a chair , with a liquor bottle up to his mouth.  He saw a ranch hand next to his son, sitting with a stunned look on his face.

    Joe looked over at his father and knew he was in a great deal of trouble.  He knew his father had seen exactly what was going on.

    “Joseph Francis Cartwright!  What do you think you’re doing?!”  Ben again questioned.

    “Um… I was um…talkin’ to Phillips here.”  Joe meekly responded.

    “No you weren’t.  You were drinking.”  Ben corrected his son.  “And you.”  Ben said to Phillips, “What are you doing drinking with a boy?  You will be off this ranch come sun up.  Joseph, get in the house.”

    “Pa wait.”  Joe tried to speak.  It was obvious to Ben his son was intoxicated.  “Phillips didn’t mean nuthin’ by it.  I was the one who told him to do it.  He just was helpin’ me out s’all.”

    “Helping you out, Joseph.  How is this helping you out?”

    “By … um…by…”  Joe had no idea how to answer his father.

    “By getting you drunk?  Does that help you, boy?”

    Joe thought to himself,  “Yeah, Pa, more than you’ll ever know.”  But wisely decided that was not the best thing to say to his father at that moment.

    “Well, Joseph?  How does this help you?”

    “Just does.”  Was all Joe could say.

    “Get in the house, NOW!”  Ben had heard enough.

    Joe stood up and made his way slowly to the house.  He had been able to do quite a bit of practicing regarding walking on crutches while drunk lately,

    Ben turned to the ranch hand and remembering Joe had gone outside the previous evening as well.  “How long has this been going on?”

    “Oh,…uh… a couple four weeks or so.”  Phillips knew he had to tell Mr. Cartwright the truth.

    “FOUR WEEKS?!”  Ben screamed.  “You’re telling me that my son has been out here drinking for four weeks?”

    “Uh… yes sir.”

    “I ought to have you shot for this!”  Ben was seeing red.  How could he have not known Joe was drinking for the past four weeks?  It scared him to think what else Joe could do without his knowledge.

    “You can collect your wages in the morning and then get off my land!”  Ben said, turning to go inside.  He entered the house and slammed the front door.

    Joe had stumbled into the house and sat on the couch listening to his father yell at the ranch hand and then storm inside.  He felt rather dizzy and very tired.  He wanted to pass out.

    Ben moved to where Joe was sitting and glared at him.  “I have never, never been so angry with you in my life, Joseph!  You have been outside drinking for the past four weeks!  You have been lying to me young man!”

    “Pa, I haven’t lied about anything.”  Joe said, trying to defend himself , but mostly just sounding drunk.

    “Oh, you most certainly have!  Every night you went out there you lied to me!  I thought I could trust you, but I was wrong.  This is it!  I am doing what ever it takes to get you help!”

    Even in his drunken state, Joe could feel the fear in him.  He thought over what his father had said.  He had not started drinking to upset his father, and he did not see how it could be lying.  He was trying to stop thinking.

    Adam and Hoss had been awakened by the yelling while Ben was still outside.  They had meet in the hallway upstairs at the same time and had stayed there listening to the commotion.  Finally, they both realized they may be needed downstairs to help if there were trouble and descended the stairs together.

    Joe saw his brothers arrive, but was quick to look back at his father.  “Pa,  I didn’t lie.  I just…”

    “You just what?”

    “I just had to make it stop.”  The words were coming out of Joe before he could hold them in.

    “Make what stop?”  Ben asked, feeling confused.

    Joe looked at his father , then at Hoss and Adam.  He could not say more.  He had to be quiet.

    “Make what stop, Joseph?!”  Ben’s tone increased.

    Joe sat looking at his father, but still said nothing.  He could not form the words.

    The anger, frustration, and fear Ben had been holding back came out at that moment  He wanted so desperately to know what was wrong with his son.  He screamed,  “SPEAK TO ME, BOY!”

    With that Ben picked Joe up by the shoulders and lifted him off the couch.  Joe was looking his father square in the eye not daring to move.  Ben wanted to shake his son until he talked.

    Hoss and Adam cringed at what they were seeing.  Hoss tried to intervene,  “Pa, maybe…”

    “Stay out of this Hoss!”  Ben yelled, but remaining focused on Joe.

    Joe was terrified and started to shake.  He had never seen his father like he was at that moment.  He had no idea how to respond.  His heart was beating through his chest, and he breathed in gasps.

    Ben could feel Joe shaking and saw the fear in his son’s eyes.  He thought to himself,  “What am I doing?”  He quickly put Joe back on the couch and turned away from his son.

    Joe sat trying to stop shaking.  He knew he had hurt his father and did not know how to fix it.  He could not talk about all the things in his head.  He was unable to let it out.  He was more afraid of what was in his head than his father.

    Ben turned back to Joe, a little calmer but still full of the energy he had felt just a few moments ago,  “Joe, what are trying to make stop?”

    Joe searched for the words.  What could he say that would make sense?  Did it even make sense to him?  All he said very quietly was,  “Make my head stop.”

    “What?  Make your head stop what?”  Ben was confused.

    “Thinking.”  Joe revealed.

    Ben realized what Joe had been doing by drinking.  He felt the anger leave him and sadness take its place.  He looked down at Joe and saw his son, so young and vulnerable.  He walked over and sat next to Joe.  “Son, you can’t do it with whiskey.  You’ve got to let people help you.  You’ve got to let your family help.  Did nothing we talk about last night sink in?”

    “Oh, but Pa, the whiskey helps the best.”  Joe thought.  He could not stop shaking, nor could he move his eyes away from his father’s.

    “Joseph, talk to me son.  Please talk to me.”  Ben begged.

    Joe looked at Adam and then at Hoss.  He then looked back at his father.  No one was going to save him from the interrogation.  He began to have a look of panic on his face.  He knew he could not talk to them.  “Pa, I can’t!”  Joe fought back.

    “Yes, you can Joseph.  Open your mouth and talk to me!”

    Joe started shaking his head no.  He had to get out of there.  He had to get his father to leave him alone.  He felt as if he was going to break in two if he was forced to talk.  “Pa, please I can’t.  Don’t do this to me!  I can’t!  I can’t!”

    The look on Joe’s face began to scare Ben.  He was seeing something coming over Joseph that he feared.  Joe had a look that told Ben his son should not be pushed further.

    Hoss and Adam had seen the transformation in Joe as well. Both brothers felt very protective of Joe and watching the confrontation between Ben and Joe was almost too much.  Both also wondered if they would intervene and challenge their father if the scene went much longer.

    “Okay, Joe.  It’s okay.  We won’t talk anymore.”  Ben said.  The tension in Hoss and Adam deflated after Ben spoke those words.  They both said silent prayers of thanks that their father had relented.

    Joe was trembling and could not stop.  He had heard his father let him off without having to speak, but he found he was so afraid.  He did not trust he could continue to hold off the questions.  He did not know if he could keep away from himself and from them.

    Ben wanted to be alone for a few minutes with Joe.  “Hoss, Adam, I’ve got it here.  Go on upstairs.”

    Neither wanted to be dismissed.  They wanted to make sure that their father and Joe did not get into it again.

    “Pa, we’ll just stay and help you a little more.”  Hoss said, not moving towards the stairs.
    “No, you will do as I say and go to bed.”  Ben responded.

    Hoss and Adam stood for a few seconds looking at their father.  Ben had a look on his face which said that he was not going to discuss it further.  Both men turned and went upstairs.

    Ben went and sat by Joe.  “Son, I don’t mean to upset you so much.  It’s okay.  You don’t have to talk right now.”

    Joe sat trying to calm himself.  He quietly asked,  “Can I go now?”

    “Son, I want to help.”

    “Not now, please Pa.  I’ll talk to you later.  Can I go?”

    Ben was disappointed in Joe’s request, but acquiesced.  Joe slowly rose feeling the alcohol in his head.  He moved to the bedroom and quietly shut the door behind him.  Ben remained seated looking at the closed door.
 
 

    By the time Joe woke it was around ten.  He was groggy from sleeping hard and his head hurt, both effects of the alcohol.  Joe slowly dressed, rubbed his eyes and using his crutches moved out to the couch.

    “Good morning, son.”  Ben greeted.   He had been sitting in the great room waiting for Joe to wake.

    “Pa.”  Joe said acknowledging his father.

    “Joe, Adam’s been hanging around waiting to see if you want to go out with him to the west pasture.  He said he’d like the company, and it’d do you good to get out of the house.”

    “Uh… I don’t think I’m up to it.”  Joe said, not wanting to spend the energy.

    “Son, I want you to go.”

    “This another request, or do I not have a choice?”  Joe thought.  He said,  “Pa, really I don’t feel like it.”

    “Son, it would do you good.  You need to get out some more.”

    “Pa, there’s not much I can do, and besides, I’m going outside.”

    “I think it would do you good to do more than sit on the porch.  You can enjoy the ride, can’t you?”

    Ben persistence was aggravating Joe.  He had no intention of going out on a ride with his older brother.  If his father was not going to listen to him, then he would have to make up a reason not to go.  Joe sat a while longer trying to think of a reason his father would accept for his not going out.  It was not that he did not want to be with Adam.  He simply did not want to be with anyone.  He could not think, so he decided to test out his leg.  He remembered his father’s conversation at lunch yesterday about trying to walk some on his leg, so he thought the present time was as good as any other.

    “Well let me try this out first.”  Joe said and stood slowly as his father watched.  They looked briefly at each other and then Joe looked down at his legs.  Joe took a deep breath and stepped lightly onto his injured leg.  He immediately wished he had not.  There was an intense pain which shot through him.  He wanted to sit, but decided he would see how much he could bear. He clinched his teeth and took a step.  Again the pain hit him hard. He wanted to scream out, but did not want his father to know how badly he hurt. Again, another step.  He had to remind himself to breathe.

    Ben sat watching Joe, wanting to come to his rescue.  Joe moved slowly and with an obvious hesitation. He could see the pain in Joe's face as his son took small, deliberate steps.  He knew the pain had to be excruciating.

    Joe continued to will himself to keep moving forward.  He knew he had to make himself walk.  He wanted his freedom back.  He would walk he told himself.  There was no choice in the matter.  He traveled slowly towards his father's office area.  He told himself he could stop if he made it to the edge of the desk.  That was his goal, and he was not going to stop until he made it.  Beads of sweat started to run down his face as he placed every bit of concentration into his movements.  His leg was going to cooperate, because he had decided it would.

    Ben watched with admiration for his determined child.  The determination he saw was at times Joe's greatest asset and at others his biggest liability.  Ben had gone up against Joe's will many times in his son's life and, although he hated to admit it, more times than not, Joe's determination won out.

    Joe reached out his hand and grabbed hold of the desk.  He made his legs take him right up to where the desk met the floor.  He sighed and relaxed his tense shoulders.  He had made it.  He put his head down to get his breath when he noticed the papers on his father's desk.  He saw the book work his father had been struggling to finish.  Suddenly, he saw a corner of a piece of heavy paper with the name Larson on it.  Nothing else could be made out due to the papers above concealing the rest of the text.

    Joe reached down and pulled out the hidden paper.  His heart jumped and he began to feel like he was going to faint.   He steadied himself and braced his legs against the desk.  He tried to talk, but at first the words would not come.  Finally he managed to ask,  "Pa, what's the date?"

    Ben found Joe's question strange.  He had watched Joe walk to the desk, and now saw him looking at a piece of paper.  Ben answered before it dawned on him what Joe could be looking at.  "Um lets see,  if I remember right it should be the um...eighteenth of September I believe."

    Joe stood, his eye frozen on the piece of paper.  "The eighteenth?!...The eighteenth?!" he asked himself several times.  "Today is my wedding day...Today is my... NO!...Don't think about it!...Stop thinking about it!  It isn't your wedding day!  You don't get to marry her!  She's gone!  You killed her!  You killed her!  You're the reason for all of it!... Stop it!  Just stop it!"

    Ben saw that Joe was not moving and continued to look at what was in his hands.  "Joe?  What are you looking at?"

    Joe did not answer.

    "Joe?  Son?"  Ben got up and walked over to where Joe stood.  He looked at what was in his son's hand and felt a deep sense of dread come over him.  It was the wedding invitation.

    "Joseph?"  It was evident that Joe was not hearing him.

    Ben stood looking at his son when the door opened and in walked Adam.  Adam moved over to where he saw his father and youngest brother standing.  "Hey Joe,  you ready to go?"  he asked, unaware of what was happening at that moment inside of Joe.

    Ben held up his hand to get Adam's attention.  It was then that Adam realized there was something very wrong.  Ben shook his head to stop Adam from coming closer or speaking further.

    "Joseph, son, talk to me."

    Joe's thoughts were racing in his head,  "Oh God!... I can't do this! I can't stop it!" The thoughts and images of Joe's relationship with Rebecca moved so quickly through his mind.  It was as if he were trapped in a racing river.

    Ben reached out and took the invitation from Joe's hand.  Joe stood without moving for a moment until it registered in his mind that he was no longer holding the paper.  He slowly turned his head and moved his eyes up so they locked with his father's eyes. Ben saw for a second what looked like a puzzled expression come over his son's face.

    All at once Joe screamed,  "Give me that!  It's mine!"  and tore the invitation from Ben's hands before he knew what was taking place.  Joe then turned, and half ran, half pulled himself upstairs.

    Ben could not believe what he had just seen. Joe had stood before him completely unaware that Ben was speaking to him.  His son had gone from a painful struggle to walk to running upstairs.  It was unbelievable.

    "Adam, help me!"  Ben called out, as he raced up the stairs after his youngest.

    Ben and Adam were quickly at Joe's door.  Joe was saying over and over "Where is it?" and tearing clothes out of his bureau.

    “I can’t find it! Where is it!”  Joe continued to look through all of the drawers and then moved his hand over the top of the bureau sweeping everything onto the floor.  He then dove on top of the strewn items and started frantically hunting through them.

    “It’s not here! It’s gone!  It has to be here!  Where is it!”  Joe was panicking.

    “Joseph, what are you looking for?”  Ben quietly asked.

    “Gone!  It’s gone!  It was here!”  Joe looked intently through the items.

    Ben kneeled down with Joe, so that he could have Joe look at him.  He said in a calm, quiet voice, “Joe, let me help.  Tell me what you are looking for.”

    “It’s not here, Pa!  I can’t find it!  I put it right here!… It’s gone!… She’s gone!  It’s all gone!  I can’t find it, Pa!

    Joe looked at his father with a look that made Ben question if Joe was at that moment sane.  Ben asked “ What’s gone?”

    “Everything, Pa!  It’s gone!  I can’t find it!  Why did it go, Pa?!  Why?  I killed it all!  I killed it, Pa!”

    Ben grabbed hold of his son,  “Joe listen to me.  I’ll find it for you.  Tell me what it is, and I’ll find it.”

    “Pa, you can find it?!  You can?   Yeah!…Yeah, you can!”  You get it and bring it to me!  Then I can marry her, Pa!”
    Ben’s heart sank.  Joe was somewhere else in his mind.  He did not know what it was that Joe needed to find, but he knew that his son was not there at that moment.  “Joe, I want you to come over here with me right now.”  Ben wanted to lead Joe over to the bed and put him in it.

    “Pa, you gonna help me, huh?  I need you, Pa.  You gotta help me. I can’t find it, and she won’t marry me unless I have it.”  Joe said, his voice sounding very young.

    “What should I look for, Joe?”  Ben asked, trying to comfort his child.  He placed Joe in bed as he talked.

    “Pa, you know…  the ring.  I can’t find it, and she won’t marry me unless I have it.”  Joe said, his voice so soft and young.

    Ben looked at Adam.  He needed to know someone else was hearing the same thing as himself.  Ben gestured for Adam to look for the ring.  “Okay son.  I’m looking.  I want you to lie down now and rest.  You need to lie down.”

    “But why, Pa?  I want to be with her.  I’ll go and be with Rebecca now, ‘kay, Pa?

    “No, Joe.  You need to stay right here with me.  You have to just lay here right now.”

    Joe suddenly became excited again.  “Pa, help me Pa!  Did you find it?”

    At that moment Adam discovered the wedding ring.  He quickly handed it to his father.

    “Here, Joseph.  Here it is.  You need to just lay down now and rest.”  Ben said holding his young son in his arms and handing Joe his most sought after possession.

    “Pa!  You found it!  Pa, now Rebecca’s mine!  Now we can get married!”  Joe took the ring and clutched it tightly in his hand.  He was determined for it to never leave his possession again.

    Ben knew Joe was gone from him.  He had been able to get Joe to the bed and pulled him down on it. He then sat, put his arms around his son and began rocking his youngest back and forth in Joe’s bed.

    Adam sat watching the scene before him.  It was so sad.  Joe had given into his grief and pain, almost collapsing in on himself.  His brother was curled up in his father’s arms as a young child would be.  Ben was stroking Joe’s hair and talking softly.  Adam saw the tears in Ben’s eyes.

    “Shh, shh, it’s okay son.  It’s okay.”  Ben repeated over and over as he rocked and stroked Joe’s hair.

    The two older men looked at each other.  Ben had an expression of worry and fear on his face.  Adam wanted to help both his father and brother, but did not know what to do.

    Joe was thinking of a wedding.  He could see it so clearly in his head.  He was watching her walk to him.  He was taking her hand from her father’s and they were standing together before the preacher.  “Stop it!”  Joe said, in his head.  “No!  It won’t ever be that way!  You’ve got to just stop it!  You are losing it, Joe!”

    How easy it would be for him to surrender to the madness.  He could just let his mind go and eventually it would take him to a place where he would not be able to return.  But madness scared him.  The feeling of being lost that came when he allowed himself to travel down that path was so terrifying it kept Joe hanging on to his sanity.

    He felt his father gently rocking him.  It felt so familiar, but it was a feeling without words.  He expected to smell rose water at that moment.  “Mama?”  he said out loud.

    Ben’s tears were falling freely.  “Son, she’s with you.”

    Joe said nothing further.  He lay in his father’s arms allowing himself to think of the rocking.  At that moment he felt his mother’s love coming through his father.

    Ben continued to hold his son, and Adam had taken a chair in Joe’s room.  Neither wanted to leave.  Joe had not moved nor spoken in several hours.  The silence was disturbed when Hoss entered the room.  He saw the scene before him and became pale.  He did not understand what he was seeing.  “Pa what’s wrong with Joe?”

    Ben saw the look of fear on Hoss’s face.  It was a look that matched both his own and Adam’s.  “Hoss, son…”  How was Ben to explain what he and Adam had just witnessed?

    “What is it, Pa?”  Hoss was becoming increasingly more alarmed.

    Ben realized he could not talk to Hoss the way he needed to in front of Joseph.  He knew he would have to take Hoss out of the room to speak.  Ben attempted to move Joe off of him and Joe protested by grabbing tight to his father and clutched the ring in his hand even tighter.  Joe felt that holding on to his father was what kept him from slipping over the edge in his mind.  He needed to be held.

    “Um, Adam, he’s not letting me go.  Could ya come here and help?”  Ben asked.  “I have to talk to Hoss, and with Joe like this, I don’t want to do it in front of him.”

    Adam moved over to where his father and Joe were on the bed.  The two men worked to pass Joe from father to brother.  As soon as Joe’s grasp was pried away from his father, he latched on to his brother.  This was also a familiar place for Adam.  He had held his brother many times when Joe was little.  Adam had often felt confused about his role with his little brother.  Was he a parent or a sibling?  The difference in age had been a natural barrier between the two.  Adam found it difficult to see the world through his brother’s eyes and he knew Joe could not see his world.  The personalities did not allow a lot of open affection between them, but each needed the other.  Joe needed Adam to help him over adolescence as only an older brother could, and Adam needed Joe to help him remain young.

    Adam continued the rocking just as he had seen his father doing.  He began to talk to Joe quietly, hoping to break through the wall that Joe had between himself and everything else.  “Joe, you’re going to be okay.  You need to come back to us, now.  You know what it would do to Pa if he lost you?  He wouldn’t make it Joe.  He really needs you.  And Hoss?  Joe, Hoss is your best friend, you know that.  He talks about the things you two have done together all the time.  He’s just about to rub Cochise’s coat off keeping her looking good for you.  He knows how much you love that pony.  …And Joe… I…”  Adam paused, trying to come up with the words to say what he wanted to his baby brother.  “Joe, you know you and I fight, but I’m finding with you being so bad off, I’m missing fighting with you.  I wish you’d say something right now so we could get into it.  Then I’d know you were okay.”

    Joe heard what Adam said, but was unable to respond.  He thought of all the times he had said and wanted to say mean things to Adam since the accident.  He did not have the energy anymore.  He just lay in his brother’s arms knowing he was so very afraid.

    Ben walked Hoss out into the hall to fill him in on what had happened with Joe.  Hoss could not believe what he was hearing.  He could not accept Little Joe was as bad off as his father explained.  He began to think his father was exaggerating.  He wanted to talk to his little brother himself.  “Pa, let me talk to him.”

    Ben felt it was worth a try.  He recognized that there was a very special bond between Joe and Hoss.  Ben knew that when Joe was little, Joe thought Hoss hung the moon.  He would follow his older brother around and make Hoss show him everything he did around the ranch.  Hoss had to sneak out of the house on days where Joe was home from school, and Hoss wanted privacy.  Even then, most of the time Joe would find his brother and make him entertain him.  When Joe was little, if someone wanted to find him, they just had to look for Hoss.  The two were inseparable.

    Ben had been concerned as Joe aged, how the relationship between the brothers would fair.  Joe had to grow up, and that also meant that Joe would naturally grow away somewhat from his older brother.  Ben had seen it happen slowly.  Joe had become more private, although he knew the two boys still talked quite regularly.  It seemed as his youngest grew older, the brother’s roles reversed at times.  Ben saw Joe giving Hoss more and more advice, and he had noticed Joe’s ability to talk Hoss into things was amazing.  Most of the time though,  Ben believed Hoss willingly let himself be talked into it pretty easily, if the truth be told.  The excitement that Joe sought could be contagious at times.

    “Okay, Hoss it’s worth a try.”  Ben said, leading Hoss back into Joe’s room.

    Hoss entered the room and moved over to where he could look at his brother’s face.  “Hey little buddy, can you hear me?”

    Joe held tightly to Adam.  He heard Hoss, but something stopped him from answering.  He could not talk.  He felt as if he was trapped, but it was a trap of his own making.  He had to hold all of his focus on not slipping over the edge.  To speak would move the focus and make him susceptible to slipping.  He never wanted the quiet talking and rocking to stop.  He used to want to be all grown up.  It was no longer his wish.  He wanted to be little again.  It had never hurt as bad when he was a boy as it did at that moment.

    “Joe can you look at me?”  Hoss tried another approach.

    Joe was staring off into nothing.  He felt to move his eyes would change things and move him closer to the edge once more.  He could not move.  He would not move.  He stared at nothing.

    He tried again,  “Joe, look at me now!  You need to look at me!  This isn’t funny anymore!”

    Joe could not let himself move.  It took everything inside of him to hold himself where he was.  He was fighting a battle he did not understand or know if he would win.  He just knew where ever his mind wanted to go-to madness, he could not let that happen.

    Hoss shook his head.  He had never seen anything like this before.  It scared him more than he knew,  “Come on Joe.”  Hoss started to cry.  “You gotta quit it.  Just look at me Joe.  Say something.”

    Ben stepped to his middle son and put his arm on Hoss’s shoulder.  “Hoss, son, enough.  Thank you for trying.”

    Hoss reached out and rubbed Joe’s head.  “Come on buddy.  Stop it now.”

    “Come over here.”  Ben said, leading Hoss to a chair and sitting him down.  Ben had no idea how to take the pain away from his children.

    Joe remained caught in his struggle.  He was so tired, but he could not rest.  Not with so much at stake.  He needed to remain vigilant to his mind.  He had no idea what would make him not be so afraid.  He wanted to go to Rebecca, and yet he was afraid to let his mind take him there.  She was in his head, he knew it.  He could just allow himself to go there, and he would never feel the hurt, he would never feel the pain and he would never have to be without her.  But to do this required surrendering and letting go.  He could not let go.  There was something in him that made completely letting go impossible.

    The family sat together in Joe’s room.  The only sound was Adam’s voice talking softly to his little brother.  Adam hoped that by talking, he could break through to where ever Joe had gone.  Adam felt exhausted, but could not stop.  He felt the grasp Joe held on him and could feel his brother’s desperation.

    Ben ran what he had seen happen to Joe over and over in his head.  Joe had been unreachable to anyone who tried to speak with him.  How were they to get through to Joseph?  Ben had a momentary panic and thought  “What if we can’t?”  Ben continued to look for some way to reach Joe.  He looked around Joe’s room and his eyes landed on Joe’s dresser and the mess that lay on the floor.  He saw the invitation laying there.  He had an idea.

    Ben picked up the invitation and looked at it.  He looked over at his son and then back to the invitation.  He thought he would try something.  He moved over to Joseph and spoke softly.  “Joe, son, do you want me to keep this invitation for you, or do you want it?”
     Joe could hear his father’s question and wanted to answer.  He wanted the invitation.  It was his, but he did not want to risk trying to move or speak.  He thought,  “Pa, give it here.  It’s mine.”
    Ben saw no change in Joe after having asked the question.  He sat holding it in such a manner that, if Joe could see anything, he would see the invitation.  “Joe, did you hear me?”  Ben questioned again.

    Still there was no answer from Joe.  Ben attempted one thing further,  “Okay Joe, I’ll take this and put it away somewhere.”

    Joe’s attention began to shift focus.  He had to stop his father from taking the invitation.  It became more important than fighting the madness.  “Mine.”  Joe whispered.

    “What did you say, Joseph?”

    Joe spoke once more, quietly, but clearly,  “It’s mine.”

    “Yes it is, Joe.  Here take it.”

    To grab hold of the invitation, Joe would have to let go of either Adam or the ring.  He did not want to let go of either.  He did not move.

    “Well then here Joe,  I’ll keep it and you can get it later.”  Ben said, trying to make Joe want it more.

    “No, give it here.”  Joe said, without releasing Adam from his grasp.

    “Joe, if you want it, you have to reach out and get it.”  Ben saw that Joe was coming back to them.  It was obvious that Joe was paying attention to what Ben was saying and seemed to be thinking about reaching out.  Ben felt encouraged.

    “Come on, Joe.  You can do it, boy.”

    Joe was so afraid to move, but he wanted back what was his.  It was a connection to Rebecca and he was not wanting it severed.  Adam felt Joe’s hand start to release and held his breath.  He had stopped talking when his father had started.  He did not want to interfere with what was happening.

    Joe let go of Adam and reached for the invitation.  Ben did not let go.  “Son, I want you to sit up here and look at me.  When you do that, I’ll give it to you.”

    Joe continued to look afraid, but did as his father told him.  He felt himself rejoining the others in the room as he sat up.  He had no idea what had happened to him, but it was terrifying.  It felt as if he was waking up from a dream; moving from fog to clear skies.  After he had sat up, Joe again reached for the invitation.  Ben let go of it and continued to watch his son.  “Joe, are you okay?”

    “Yeah.”  He said very quietly.  He then looked at Adam and Hoss.  The expressions on their faces told him that they were scared.  He felt scared himself and seeing their faces did nothing to take away the fear.

    “What’s wrong with me?’  Joe questioned himself.  He began to believe he may be going insane.  He wondered if he could stay away from the madness much longer, and he was not sure if in time, he would not want to surrender to it.

    He sat holding the invitation in one hand and the ring in the other.  He suddenly felt very foolish.  He had no idea what had made him react the way he had.  He only knew he did not want it to happen again.

    “Son, can we do anything to help you?”  Ben questioned.

    “Pa, to help I’d have to be able to tell you what was wrong, and I don’t know that.”  Joe thought.  He said softly,  “Uh, no, I don’t think so.”

    Eventually the fear in the room subsided for everyone but Joe.  The other’s saw that Joe was remaining lucid and it allowed them to relax some.  It was evening before Adam and Hoss finally left Joe’s room to tend to the stock and finish some business that could not be ignored.  Ben remained with Little Joe in his room.

    As Joe had become more coherent, he realized how badly his leg was hurting.  Although he remained aware of everything that had happened that day, it was almost as if he had watched it happen to someone else.  He knew he had practically ran up the stairs, but he had no physically sensation of having done it.  That was, until he started to feel the pain.  Once he felt it, he could not sit still in the bed.

    Ben noticed Joe was agitated.  “What is it, boy?”  Ben asked.

    “It’s my leg. It’s hurtin’ pretty bad.”  Joe confessed.

    “I think you put too much on it today.”  Ben said, as he remembered watching Joe running up the stairs earlier that morning.

    “Yeah, oh, geez …” Joe said, as the dull ache turned to sharper pains.

    “Joe, I’ll go get you something for that and be back.”  Ben said, leaving the room. Ben quickly returned to his son and gave him the pain killer.  He then set the bottle on Joe’s night stand and sat back down.  Joe waited to feel the medication overtake him.  Joe was exhausted and knew the medicine would guarantee he would sleep.  His eyes eventually became heavy, as the pain in his leg became distant.  He allowed sleep to overtake him.

    Ben sat in his son’s room until he knew Joe was deep in sleep.  He pulled the blankets up over his son and rubbed Joe’s cheek with his hand.  “Good night, son.  I love you.”  Ben said before he walked out of the room.

    Joe slept peacefully for part of the night.  The medicine had allowed him to sleep dreamlessly until it began to wear off.  As it did, the dreams returned.  Joe was again with Rebecca, and for a while, was very happy.  But the dream turned, and again Joe was in agony.  It ended with Joe bolting upright and breathing heavily.

    It took Joe a while to shake off the nightmare.  He sat trembling trying to make his head stop thinking of the dream.  He sat in the darkness until his heart stopped pounding and his breathing returned to normal.  His mind returned to the barn and to the conclusion he had reached while sitting in the dark wanting to die.  He had wanted to wait until he was stronger, but after what had happened to him after seeing the invitation, he did not feel he could risk waiting any longer.  He was not at all certain he could even do it, but he had to try.  He had to try before he went mad.

    Joe reached for the bottle of medicine and took a long draw.  He knew his plan was going to hurt him physically, and his family in so many other ways, but he saw no other option.  It was not getting better.  In fact he was beginning to believe it was getting significantly worse.  He did not want to risk completely breaking down.  He believed he had only one chance, and that was to get away from himself and the memories.

    Joe was leaving the Ponderosa.  He could no longer stay with his family, nor could he remain Joe Cartwright.  He had to leave it behind.  If he did not leave, he felt it would drive him over the edge.  He knew his family would be hurt, but to stay with them meant he would have to surrender to the madness.  It was a choice he believed he had to make.

    After he felt the medicine had begun to work, he moved about his room as quickly as he felt he could, given his injury.  He was deliberate in what he chose to take and what he would leave.  He wanted to leave himself behind.  It was important to him that there be nothing of his present life going with him.  Joe looked at the invitation and the wedding ring sitting on his night stand.  He put the ring in his pocket and took the invitation and went over to the book shelf.  He grabbed his favorite book and placed the invitation in between two pages.  He took out the silver locket he carried religiously in his pocket.  He placed it on his dresser.  He paused briefly to open it.  He looked at his mother’s picture by using the moon light for illumination.  He almost changed his mind about leaving the locket, but then placed it on his dresser and hobbled out of his room.

    Joe slowly and quietly made his way downstairs.  He had his saddlebag with him with a few clothes inside.  He walked over to his father’s desk and lit a lamp.  He sat at the desk and wrote three letters.  He folded the letters and wrote the intended recipient’s name on each.  He placed the wedding ring on top of one of the letters and made his way to the door.  He went to grab his pistol and gun belt and then paused.  He took out his gun and placed it on the credenza.  He opened the credenza and pulled out another pistol.  He put that in his gun belt and walked outside.

    He made his way to the barn and went inside.  He limped to a bay mare that was stabled next to Cochise.  He saddled the horse with a spare saddle as quickly as possible, and then lead the horse and Cochise out of the barn.  The next step he had dreaded.  He was going to have to mount the horse.  He had been resting his leg for the six weeks since the accident and until the previous day he had put little pressure on it.  When he had he had felt intense pain.  He knew to sit a horse would be excruciating.  He bent over and took the splint off of his leg.  He stood and opened the saddlebag, took out the medicine and took a large drink.  Joe waited until he could feel the medicine get heavily into his system.  Then he took a deep breath and put his left foot in the stirrup of the bay’s saddle.  With one motion he swung himself into a seated position on the horse.  Joe wanted to scream out, the pain was so intense.  Tears formed in his eyes as he waited for the initial pain to lessen.  Finally, it lessened slightly, and he decided not to waste anymore time.  He walked the bay out of the yard, with Cochise in tow.  When he had cleared the house and yard with enough distance that he felt he would not be heard, he kicked the bay and was off into a gallop.  The pain was two fold.  His leg was throbbing, but his heart was breaking.

    Joe had two destinations in mind before he was on his way for good.  They were in opposite directions to each other, and he knew he would have to hurry to get away before his family woke.  He headed towards Lake Tahoe and his mother’s grave.  It was slow going once he was off the main road.  He did not want to risk the horses getting injured and the bouncing made his leg ache, so he had to make his way carefully.  He arrived at his destination before sun up.  He painfully dismounted and limped to where he normally sat in front of his mother’s headstone.  He had looked at that headstone so many times before, and had spent many hours talking to it, wanting frantically for his mother to answer him.  He longed for her guidance especially as he stood before her now.

    Joe began talking aloud to his mother, “Mama, is Rebecca with you?  Is she there?  I miss her so much, and I want you to take care of her.  I’m so afraid right now.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it scares me.  I wish I was with you and her.  You would fix it.  You and Rebecca could make it all stop hurting…

    “What’s it like there?  Is Rebecca smiling?  I hope she is.  I love her smile.  She’s probably bein’ real nosy, huh?  Oh, Mama, I want her back.  I want her so bad.  It’s not fair.  Is she okay?  You gotta take care of her, ’cause I can’t do it right now…

    “I’m going away for a while.  It’s gonna really upset Pa, and Hoss, and Adam, but I don’t know any other way.  I can’t stay here and get better.  There are too many reminders of how it was before the accident.  Pa wants me to just talk to him about it, but something stops me.  I think I’m goin’ crazy, and I don’t want to do it in front of them.  Mama, look after them too okay?  Pa’s gonna get all mad and stuff, and Hoss and Adam you know they need to be watched after too.  They think they are always watching after me, but you know I watch after them too.  Can you take care of that for me?”

    Joe sat for as long as he thought he could, then slowly stood and made his way back to the horses.  He untied Cochise’s lead from the saddle of the bay and limped away with her to an open area.  He hugged his horse and said,  “Cooch,  I’m gonna be gone for a while, and you don’t need to be standing in that barn while I’m gone.  I know how much you love to run, and that’s what I want you to do ‘til I get back.  You stay out of trouble.”

    Joe slowly took the halter off of his beloved horse.  She continued to stand there waiting for him.  He knew she would not leave him unless she was frightened, so he drew the pistol, and, taking a deep breath, fired it near the horse’s legs.  Cochise immediately bolted and ran away.  “I’m sorry, girl.  You’ll be happier this way.”

    Joe dropped the halter, returned to the bay, carefully mounted, and rode toward Virginia City.

    Morning brought Ben downstairs and to the kitchen.  Hop Sing was busy making breakfast and Ben helped himself to his customary cup of coffee.  They exchanged idle talk while waiting for the rest of the house to wake.  Soon after, Hoss and Adam appeared downstairs.  Both immediately headed outside to tend to the morning feeding.  Adam was the first to notice Cochise was not in her stall.  He saw that the bay mare was also missing.  “Hoss, did you put Cochise and that new bay out in the pasture and not bring them in last night?”

    “No, Adam.  You know I wouldn’t do something like that.”

    “Well the two are gone.”  It did not enter either man’s mind that Joe could have been the one to take the horses.  Both had assumed that Joe’s leg would not allow him to ride.

    “You think we were hit by a horse thief?”  Hoss asked, wondering if that was the explanation.

    “I sure hope not.”  Adam said, thinking it would be terrible for Joe if he also lost Cochise.  “Come on.  Let’s tell Pa what’s going on, and then see if we can’t track where the horses were taken.”

    Both men went back into the house.  “Pa?  Pa?  Where are you?”  Hoss asked loudly.

    Just as Hoss was calling for him, Ben came around the corner from the kitchen.  “What is it?”

    “Pa, Cochise and that bay mare are gone from the barn.”  Hoss explained.

    “What?”  Ben asked, confused.  He immediately thought that Joe had gone out, but then thinking of his son’s injury knew there was no way Joe could sit a horse.  “Did either of you hear anything last night?”

    Ben had slept soundly the previous night.  He had allowed himself to be comforted by the hope that Joe was probably asleep for the night, and so he had relaxed more than he had previously allowed himself to do.

    “No sir.” Hoss answered.

    “I’m wondering if maybe one of the hands heard or saw something.  I’ll ask after we eat.” Adam said.

    The three sat down for breakfast and discussed the possibility of horse thieves on the ranch.  After finishing eating, Adam went out to question the hands, and Hoss went to look for tracks of the missing horses.  Ben had some correspondence to return, so he moved over to his desk.  His eyes caught the unmistakable writing of his youngest son.  He saw three letters.  Each with a name on the front.  Ben developed a sick feeling in his stomach as he looked at the letter with the name “Pa” written on the front.  Sitting on top of that letter was the wedding ring he had given Joe to give his bride on their wedding day.  He picked up the letter and the ring.  He opened the letter and read,

Dear Pa,
I know what I am doing is going to make you really mad, but it is something I have to do for me.  I have to go away for a while.  I’ll go crazy if I stay here anymore.  I can’t escape my thoughts while I sit around the house.  It hurts too much.  I told you the other night that I could not stop the thoughts, well I think me going away for a while will help.  I need to do this.  I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t.  I promise that I will come back after I have figured out how to deal with myself.  I know you’ll be so mad at me, and I’m sorry.  Please give me this time.  I couldn’t think of anything else to do.  Don’t worry about me.  I know how to take care of myself.  You and Hoss and Adam made sure of that.  Pa, could you make sure Hoss is okay?  I think he’s gonna have a hard time with this.  I know it is very hard for me to go. I’ll miss you.
Love,
Joseph

P. S. I put Mama’s wedding ring on this note so that you could have it back.  Thank you for giving it to me for Rebecca.  It meant so much to me.

    Ben collapsed in his chair.  “No, no, no, Joseph!  No!”

    Ben’s thoughts returned to the previous day when Joe’s mind had been so far away from them.  Now Joe was off, God only knew where, in an unstable mental condition.  How could Joe ride a horse given his physical condition?  Then Ben remembered the resolve he had seen the previous day.  If Joseph wanted to do something bad enough, Ben knew he could do it.  He was still sitting at his desk stunned by what he had read when Adam and Hoss returned.

    “Pa, nobody heard anything last night.”  Adam said, as he approached his father.  He saw Ben sitting, his head in his hands and asked, “Pa?  What is it?”

    Ben did not speak, but held the letter from Joe out to Adam.  Hoss began to read over Adam’s shoulder.  “What!”  Adam exclaimed, as he finished reading the letter.  “He didn’t!  What was he thinking?!”

    “I’m truly afraid to answer that question.”  Ben responded.  Each man recalled the events of the previous day, and all three realized in all likelihood, Joe had not been thinking rationally.  “Boys he’s left these for you.”  Ben said, handing each a letter from their little brother.

    Hoss opened his and looked quickly over the handwriting.  It was as if he was hoping to get to the bottom of the page and see Joe had just been kidding them.  He went back up to the top and read the letter aloud.

Dear Hoss,
I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I was gonna do this, but I know you would have tried to talk me out of it or would have wanted to come.  This is something I have to do, and I’ll be okay.  I hope you won’t be too sore at me for leaving, but I’ll come back when it doesn’t hurt so bad.  Thank you for taking such good care of Cochise.  I have turned her loose ‘til I get back, so she can run and be happy.  I’ll miss you so much.  You have to watch out for Pa for me and be a little mean to Adam so he won’t miss me quite so much.  Hey, and be late for a meal or two so Hop Sing won’t miss me too much either.
Hoss I love you.
Joe

    It was Adam’s turn next.  He had heard Hoss’s letter and was feeling choked up.  After taking a deep breath, he read his letter aloud as well.

Dear Adam,
I know you’ll think, there goes that fool kid again, and, as always, you are probably right, but I gotta do this.  I wanted to thank you for yesterday and so many other times when you made me not so afraid.  I can never tell you what that meant to me.  I know I am mean to you sometimes, but I hope you know that I don’t mean most of what I say.  I am very lucky to have you as my big brother.  Please look after Pa and Hoss for me.
I love you.
Joe

    The three men stood together, each with a letter from Joe, each filled with fear regarding the welfare of the youngest Cartwright.

    While the Ponderosa was waking to a new day, Joe was riding towards Virginia City.  He had allowed the pain in his leg to keep his mind from thinking of the hurt he was causing his family, and the hurt he felt inside.  By the time he reached town, it was morning and the streets were alive with activity.  He drew the horse up to the bank, dismounted by just letting himself slide off, and limped inside.  He had been dreading going to he bank because of fear that Mr. Larson would be there, but he was in luck and Mr. Larson had yet to arrive.  He walked up to the teller and requested to close his account.  The teller walked away, looked in a ledger, and then walked back to Joe.

    “Mr. Cartwright, I’m afraid there is a slight problem.”  The teller said.

    Joe thought to himself,  “This is all I need.”  He said,  “Oh, what’s the problem?”

    “Well Mr. Cartwright, we don’t have this much money on hand.  We can’t keep this amount here due to possibility of robbery”

    “There shouldn’t be that much in it.”  Joe said, now very confused.

    “Here’s the balance.  We can give you part of it now and wire for the rest.” The teller said, handing him a piece of paper with a very large dollar amount written on it.

    Joe looked at the paper and was taken aback.  He knew he did not have that kind of money.  Where had it come from?  He thought for a minute, and then he remembered.  This was the money his father was giving him and Rebecca to start their new life.  Again the hurt of remembering hit him, and he tried to keep himself composed.  “Oh, I know what this is.  Listen there was a really big deposit put into this account several weeks ago.  Give me the money that was in the account before that deposit and, uh, then I need to transfer the rest to someone else’s account.”

    The bank teller willing obliged, and Joe was out of the bank quickly.  He made his way to the Bucket of Blood and went inside.  It was still early in the day and the only people in the saloon were ones who looked as if they had not slept.  There was a high stakes game being played in the back corner.  Joe walked to the bar and the bartender said,  “Hey Little Joe, haven’t seen you around in a while.  You okay?”

    “Just fine, Sam.  Listen, give me a bottle of whiskey.”  Joe said.

    “Kind a early isn’t it, Joe?”  Sam asked.

    “I’m gonna take it with me.”  Joe said, and thought , “If it’s any of your business.”

    Sam gave him the bottle, and Joe walked out and to his horse.  He put the whiskey bottle in the saddle bag and held his breath and winced as he mounted the horse.  He quickly rode out from town to the cemetery.

    Joe pulled up his horse, dismounted, grabbed his saddle bag and looked for Rebecca’s grave.  He found the headstone and felt his stomach turn as he read the marker.
 
 

    It struck him how someone’s life could be summed up in so few words.  He knew there should have been so much more written there.  She had been so much more to him.  Joe sat down and stared at the marker.  He had wanted to talk to her for so long, and now he was near her.  At first the words did not come.  His mind was a blank.  He was not sure he wanted to let his mind go where it needed to in order to speak to Rebecca.  He opened the saddle bag, pulled out the whiskey bottle, uncorked it and took a long draw.  He let the alcohol begin to work, and he started to think about Rebecca.

    “Rebecca,”  he said aloud.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been here sooner.  I’m sorry about so much.  I miss you all the time.  It seems everything I look at reminds me of you.  When I was at the house I kept thinking of the times you had been there when we were kids, and all the parties you were there for, and all the fun times.  I think all the time of the engagement party Pa had for us there, and how I couldn’t stand it that I couldn’t be alone with you then.  I’d settle now for just being able to watch you for the rest of your life, even if I could never have you alone.  I miss seeing you.  I miss talking to you.  I miss everything.

    “Rebecca, I have to go away  I can’t stay here.  I’m sorry for that too.  I am a coward I know, but I am too afraid of what’s in my head.  I guess I’ve let you down the most.  I couldn’t get the guts up to kill myself and be with you.  I’m sorry for so much.”

    Joe sat looking at the headstone and drinking.  Eventually the alcohol and fatigue became to much, and he passed out on Rebecca’s grave.

    By the time Joe came to, it was afternoon.  He was groggy and for a minute did not know where he was.  After he shook off the sleep, he got to his feet, and said one final good bye to Rebecca.  He mounted the bay and rode west with no destination in mind.  His only goal to become lost to himself and his memories.
 
 

    Six days on the trail only stopping to cat nap or rest his horse had ended Joe in California and thinking of going to San Francisco.  He had been there with his family several times and knew the city.  He thought maybe he would stop in Sacramento to rest for a while, and then head on into the larger city.  As he rode, his leg varied in pain from excruciating to numb depending upon how little or how much he allowed the medicine and alcohol to assist him.  He had made the trip slower than he had expected, but his leg slowed him down considerably.  The small towns he passed through meant a chance to grab a bottle of whiskey to drink while he rode or to stop in on the local doctor and get more of the pain medicine.  This allowed the pain to stay tolerable while he was on the horse during the day and allowed him to pass out into a dreamless state at night.

    Joe had discovered while drinking with Phillips that the whiskey allowed him to escape himself.  It was the reason he had started to drink and the reason he continued.  He knew he did not like how he felt when the alcohol wore off, but the relief he felt while intoxicated was so appealing he overlooked the problems that drinking may have caused.  The alcohol allowed him to sit a horse.  It made it bearable to endure the pressure and jostling that was being placed on his thigh.  Had he not had the alcohol, Joe would not have been able to leave the Ponderosa.  Had he not been able to leave the Ponderosa, Joe believed he would have gone mad.

    Joe had been through Sacramento, but knew very little of the city.  He knew his father had lived outside of the city in the Sacramento Valley with Adam and Hoss before he was born, and before his father had decided to retreat to the high mountain paradise that was the Ponderosa.  Joe had heard the stories of his father’s relationship with John Sutter.  His father had told him how difficult it was for the Cartwrights and John Sutter when gold was discovered in the Sacramento Valley.  Their land had become overrun by gold seekers.  The land his father had worked hard to make into a home for himself and his two small boys was trampled.  It was then that his father had decided to move himself and his young boys to the Sierra Mountains, away from the greedy mob attacking California.  It was for this reason Joe knew that his father protected the Ponderosa so closely.  He had lost a ranch once and was not going to allow it to happen again.  His father had also taught him what running rough shod over land did to it.  Joe had grown up with a respect for land that few young men his age had.  It was from his father’s experience that he had learned this.

    Joe rode up to the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon and painfully dismounted.  He was tired and wanted to grab something to drink and then turn in for the night.  He limped into the saloon, up to the bar, and ordered a whiskey.  Joe did not realize he was being watched the moment he walked into the room.

    A tall, gangly man in his thirties watched the young man enter.  He noticed the stranger was covered with trail dirt and appeared to be quite young.  He also noted the limp.  He waited, watching the door to see if anyone else followed the stranger inside.  There was no one.  He looked towards a young saloon girl who stood nearby watching a card game.  He nodded towards Joe.  She nodded back and walked over to the bar.

    “Howdy stranger,”  she said, flashing a smile.

    Joe turned to see a stunningly attractive woman.  She had golden blonde hair and blue eyes.  She wore a deep blue dress cut surprisingly low and appeared to be in her early twenties.  Before, Joe would have immediately tried to flirt with her, but he no longer did so much he used to do.  He looked her up and down and said, “howdy,” without smiling.

    She was momentarily thrown by his lack of interest in her attention.  She was very used to men giving her attention, especially in the saloon.  She thought she would try again.  “You want to join me for a drink?”  She asked, slightly put out that she was having to do the asking.

    Joe simply stood for a moment looking at her trying to decide if he wanted to bother with her.  He thought it would not hurt to have a drink.  “Sure.” He said, his voice lacking any enthusiasm.

    She walked to a table and sat down.  He joined her with a bottle and two glasses.  He did not speak.

    “So you gotta name?”  She finally asked.

    “Joe,”  he answered.

    “Joe what?”

    “Just Joe.”

    “So, just Joe, what brings you to Sacramento?”

    He looked at her trying to think of something to say.  He knew he did not want anyone to know who he was or why he was there.  “Just passing through.” He said.

    “From where?”  She continued to prod.

    “All over.”  He deliberately remained vague.

    “Where are you going?”

    “Listen, does the interrogation go with the drink?”  Joe asked, trying to stop the questions.

    She looked at him wondering what was his story.  He obviously did not want to tell her about himself.  “Sorry, just trying to make conversation.  By the way, my name is Kenny.”

    Joe looked at her for a minute wanting to remain cold to her, but her smile was beginning to soften him some.  “Well Kenny, you wanna drink?”

    “I thought you’d never ask.”  She said, smiling again.  She then turned and looked at the tall man.  He nodded again, and she smiled and winked.

    Joe sat with Kenny making small talk.  She put her hand on his knee, and he picked it up and put it back on the table.  She tried to move close to him, and he moved away.  He could not even think of being with a woman.  Kenny was again surprised that the young man was not interested in her.  She was not used to this at all.  She saw him watching a poker game next to them.  “You play?”  she asked, realizing there was another tactic she could take.

    “Some.”  Joe responded.

    “I know Taylor there’ll be cutting out soon.  You want his seat?  I can arrange it.”  Kenny offered.

    “Nah, not interested.”  Joe said, but he continued to watch the game.  It was getting late, and he knew he really should go to the hotel and get a room.  But that meant trying to sleep, an activity he had grown to dread.

    Joe sat a while longer debating with himself if he was going to leave the saloon.  He gave into his fear of sleep and decided to play cards.  When he told Kenny to count him in on the card game, he did not see her nod her head to the tall man, nor did he see the tall man make eye contact and nod to one of the player’s already in the game.

    Joe’s decision to play cards that evening would come back to haunt him later.
 
 

    The days after Joe left the Ponderosa passed painfully slow for his family.  After finding the letters Ben, Adam and Hoss shared the same fear.  Joe had walked out of the house without any of them knowing his mental state.  Each recalled how fragile Joe had been the previous day and each feared the worst.

    Ben had ridden into town hours after Joe had left the ranch.  What Ben was unaware of was at the same time as he arrived in town, his son was passed out on his fiancee’s grave.  Ben went into town on the outside chance that perhaps Joe had simply ran away to town for some time alone.  He seriously doubted this, but could not sit at the ranch feeling helpless.  Ben felt his frustration increase when he realized one of the primary methods he used for locating his youngest was to look for Cochise.  He realized if Joe was telling the truth in his letter to Hoss, Joe was not riding Cochise.  He was on a very plain bay mare.  As Ben looked around town, he saw at least a dozen bay horses.

    Ben immediately went to Roy Coffee’s office, but was not really certain why.  He knew Roy could do nothing other than put out a wire to those neighboring town sheriffs who would be willing to cooperate in keeping an eye out for Joseph.  Ben shared with his long time friend the mental state Joe had been in the previous day.  Roy tried to hide his concern from his friend, but Ben read through it.  Neither said what they were thinking.

    Roy suggested that they look around town just in case someone knew something.  As the two men walked down the street, John Larson noticed them and approached.  “Hello Roy.  Ben, how are you?”  John questioned.

    “Hello, John.”  Ben said, his face showing deep concern.

    “Ben, is something wrong?”  John inquired.

    “Uh, yes, I’m afraid so.  Joe has run away.”

    “What?”  John asked shocked.  Although he had gotten to the bank after Joe had left, John had taken care of the paperwork to close out Joe’s account and transfer the funds Joe had requested to be placed back in his father’s account.  “But Ben, he was just in the bank a couple of hours ago.”

    “Joe was here!”  Ben suddenly felt hope.  “How long ago?”

    “Well, lets see.  It would have had to have been five or more hours ago.”

    Ben’s heart sank.  That gave Joe such an incredible lead on them.  “John, can I ask what he was doing at the bank?”

    “Sure Ben.  Joe closed his bank account.  He told the teller there was too much money in it, so he had the last deposit that was made into his account put into yours.  He took the rest.”

    Ben reacted to the news with mixed feelings.  He knew Joe did not have much money in his account, so Ben felt Joe would not be able to get very far on it, but the thought of Joe out in the world somewhere without money also scared him.  Ben continued to run thoughts of Joe over and over in his mind.  His son was in danger, he knew it.  He was uncertain if that danger would be from outside sources or from his son himself.

    Roy finally broke through Ben’s thinking.  “Ben, we need to check around and see if anyone else has seen Little Joe.  Let’s check the stage.”

    Roy’s idea brought a flicker of hope back to Ben.  If Joe had caught a stage, then they would know where he was.  They worked their way to the stage office, passing the Bucket of Blood on the way.  Ben looked over the saloon door, but did not go in.  There was no sign of his son.  The stage office yielded similar results, and Ben again faced despair.

    On Ben’s ride out of Virginia City he remembered the cemetery.  He rode there quickly and dismounted.  He walked to Rebecca’s grave.  He had no idea his son had left that spot only minutes before.  Ben took off his hat and bowed his head.  He prayed for two lost children: Rebecca who they had lost six weeks ago, and Joseph who they had lost that day.

    Hoss and Adam immediately headed to Marie’s grave.  They knew Joe would go no where without stopping there first.  They had decided to go together, so if there were tracks one could head back to the ranch, and the other could follow.  The men had ridden the horses hard and arrived at the graveside in record time.  They both dismounted and called after their brother.  There was no answer.  They looked around the area and saw two sets of hoof prints.  One the unmistakable prints of Cochise, but the imprint indicated that the paint pony was carrying no weight.  Cochise’s hoof prints took off in a southern direction and her halter was found lying in the grass.  There was another set of prints that headed northeast.  It was evident that Joe was on this horse and it was these prints that Hoss and Adam followed.

    The two brothers rode as quickly as they could and still follow the tracks.  They quickly lost heart when they saw the tracks heading towards the main road to Virginia City.  The traffic on the road would make it more difficult, but not impossible to follow.  It would be if Little Joe rode into town that they would lose the tracks.  They both prayed that if Joe had ridden into Virginia City, he had stopped there and their father would bring him home.  Given what Joe had written in his letters, they doubted he would stop so close to home.

    Hoss and Adam rode back in time to meet their father riding up to the ranch.  The men retired inside to fill each other in on what had been discovered.  Hop Sing stood back out of sight listening to the reports.  He was filled with worry.  He had feared the boy would run from his home in an attempt to handle his pain.  He had hoped he was wrong and realized he was not.  Hop Sing thought to himself that the boy would be truly lost if he was without his family.  He prayed that the boy was not lost to them forever.  He prayed harder that the boy was not lost to himself.

    Ben was beside himself with worry.  His worry increased as he realized what his son had left behind as he left his home.  Ben had gone into Joe’s room to try and see if there was any clue as to where his son was headed.  He looked at his Joe’s unmade bed.  Joe had been sleeping there just hours ago.  He saw the contents of Joe’s dresser strewn around from where his son had frantically searched for the wedding ring the previous day.  His eyes landed on the item that made him feel despair.  There on Joe’s dresser was the locket with his mother’s picture inside.  This was one of his son’s most prized possessions.  Joe had never parted with it willingly.  That was until that day.  Ben feared what it could mean.

    An unusual phenomena fell over the Ponderosa any time a family member was away.  The ranch continued to run, but it ran with an emptiness.  It was never obvious, so that it was anything a person could put their finger on, but there would come a feeling as if something was missing.  If one Cartwright was away, be it for a cattle drive or business trip, it was as if the land knew, and waited for the individual to return.  It had happened over and over.  As Joe left the Ponderosa, the land began its wait.
 
 

    Joe took his place at the card table.  The game of the moment was five card draw.  Joe anted up and began an evening of winning at cards.  He sat slumped down in his chair, hat pulled down low, and a cigarette hanging from his mouth.  He was rather surprised at how well he was doing.  Joe tended to be a good card player if he remained focused and played conservatively.  If he lost focus, then he tended to lose money quickly.  What had amazed him was he knew he had drunk a lot of liquor.  As a matter of fact, he knew he was well on his way to being drunk.  He had drunk much more than he was used to drinking while playing cards, and yet he continued to win.  He allowed the tone of the game to be set by the other players, and the stakes were rapidly getting high.  Joe knew he should ask to be dealt out, but he was caught up in the momentum of winning.

    It was when he realized he had more than doubled his money, that he decided the hand he was currently playing would be his last.  By the time the hand was called, Joe held three aces.  The other’s laid down their cards, and Joe knew he had them.  “Gentlemen, read ‘em and weep.” He said, laying down his hand.

    The men grumbled, but knew they had lost.  Joe said as he stood, “Well gentlemen, it was a pleasure taking your money, and now I must retire for the evening.”

    Joe gathered the money in the pot and stuffed it in his pocket.  Walking was difficult when he was sober let alone after having drunk all night, but he managed, though not too gracefully.  He made his way out the saloon door and looked at his horse.  “Uh oh. What am I gonna do with you?”  he slurred his words as he spoke to the horse.

    He did not have time to say or do anything else before he was grabbed and pulled into the alley next to the saloon.  It did not register with Joe at first what was happening.  There were two men, one holding him from behind, and one standing in front of him.  He had not seen either one of them before.  The one in front of him spoke, “Hey Sonny,  give us your money, and we’ll let you live.”

    Joe stood looking at the man for a moment.  He was dizzy and not sure exactly what was happening, but he knew it was not good.  “Go to hell.”  Joe managed to say before he was punched in the stomach.

    The punch doubled Joe over, and he was quickly hit again with an uppercut.  This threw him back into the arms of the man behind him.  Joe struggled and managed to land a punch on the man who had hit him.  He was unable to move as quickly as he was used to given his leg, and ended up tripping over himself.  Joe knew it was extremely dangerous for him to be on the ground with the two men standing above him.  He tried to stand, but was pushed down by one of the two attackers.  Joe continued to struggle and managed to kick the feet out from under one of the men by using his good leg.

    Between the alcohol and the injury, Joe was not able to fend off his attackers for long.  He had put up a good fight given his condition, but he was quickly overtaken.  The man on the ground with Joe was able to pin him down, while the other went through his pockets removing all of the his money.  “No, this can’t be happening.” Joe thought as a feeling of desperation set in.

    Joe began to struggle again, hoping somehow he could stop what was happening to him.  His movements angered his attackers and they fought back.  It was then that he felt a rain of blows upon him.  He tried to fend them off as best as he could and was able to protect himself until one of the men kicked him in his already injured leg.  Joe felt the pain move through him like a lightening bolt.  He screamed out and was immediately kicked again in the same place.  This stopped Joe from fighting back at all, but the men continued their assault.

    Suddenly Joe heard a voice,  “Hey, you there.  What do you think you’re doing?”

    The rain of blows stopped, and the men who were attacking ran away.  The next thing Joe knew there was a tall, thin man leaning over him.  “Hey kid, you okay?”

    Joe could only manage to let out a groan.  The pain was so intense, and he fought against blacking out.  The man tried to help Joe up, but the movement caused more pain.  Joe screamed and pleaded,  “No! No, leave me here!  Don’t touch me!”

    “Come on kid.  You can’t just stay here.  Let me get you inside.”  The man said, continuing to try and get Joe to his feet.  Joe’s head began to swim, and he fainted dead away.

    Joe woke to someone patting him in the face and talking softly.  “Come on kid, wake up.”

    As he came around, Joe immediately felt the pain in his leg.  “Oh, God!”  he yelled.

    The intensity of pain he felt made him feel nauseous, and he clenched his teeth against crying out again.  He knew his leg had been damaged badly in the attack.  The alcohol he had consumed earlier did nothing to touch the pain.  He could not help himself from grabbing hold of the blankets on the bed and pulling against them.

    “You’re hurting pretty bad, huh kid?  Well, I sent Kenny for Mr. Li, and he’ll be here soon to help you out.”  The man said.

    Joe spoke through clenched teeth,  “Who are… you?”

    “Name’s Shelby.  I own this saloon and a couple a’ others around town.  You were beaten outside a’ here.  You passed out, and I brought you upstairs.”

    At that moment Joe did not care where he was.  All he could think of was his leg and how badly he was hurting.  He did not think he could stand it much longer.  “God, please let me pass out!”  Joe prayed silently.

    “Kid, I think they robbed ya.  I’ll be tellin’ the sheriff what they look like, so he can start lookin’ for them.”

    Joe only half heard what the man was saying.  He could not concentrate on anything except his leg.  Tears of pain were in his eyes, and he doubted he could hold back from screaming much longer.  He closed his eyes tight and clinched his jaw harder.  His hands were in fists, and he was holding his breath.

    “Kenny should be back any minute now, and she’ll be bringin’ some help.  You just hang on kid.  I know your hurtin’.”

    Joe began to want to call out for his father.  He wanted his father to come and take care of him as he had so many times before.  He was fighting crying out, and eventually he gave into it and moaned,  “Oh, God, I… can’t… stand… it!”

    Joe did not see that the man who was tending to him smiled when he heard Joe’s agony.  If Joe would have seen it, he would have begun to realize he was currently in the clutches of a much greater predator than the men in the alley had been just a few minutes prior.

    It was not long after, that Kenny appeared with a small Asian man.  Shelby spoke,  “Hey kid, this here’s Mr. Li.  He’s gonna take a look at your leg and see what he can do to help you.”

    Mr. Li went to touch Joe’s leg, and Joe screamed through his clinched teeth,  “No!  Don’t… touch…. me!   God, it… hurts!  Don’t touch… me!”

    “I can not help you if you won’t let me touch.”

    “Please don’t… touch… me!”  Joe continued to resist.  He knew the slightest touch was going to send him into agony.

    Mr. Li pulled out a bottle and uncorked it.  “Here.  You drink.  It make you okay to touch.”

    “What… is… it?”  Joe struggled to ask.

    “Morphine.  Take away pain.”

    Joe heard “take away pain” and that was all he needed.  He raised his head and willingly drank from the bottle Mr. Li gave him.  After Mr. Li took away the pain killer, Joe laid his head back down and prayed the medicine would work quickly.  The first effect of the medicine was nausea.  Just as Joe felt he was going to be sick, he felt himself begin to distance from the pain.  His mind slowly moved into a state of limbo where he was not asleep nor was he awake.  His eyes moved around aimlessly and out of focus.  He felt no more pain.  He felt nothing.  His mind was blank.

    Joe laid on the bed in and out of awareness of the things around him, but his mind was at last at peace.  Kenny helped the Asian man undress Joe and look at his leg.  They saw evidence of where Joe’s leg had been stitched up and could see that there was fresh bruising developing all over Joe’s thigh.  Mr. Li attempted to determine if there was any further damage, but Joe’s sedated state offered the man little feedback from the patient as to the extent of the damage.

    After examining Joe, the three moved over to a corner of the room and talked softy.  Joe only heard distant muttering.

    “He okay?”  Shelby asked.

    “No can tell.”  Mr. Li responded.

    “Look Li, I pay you good money to help me out in these, um situations.  The kid gonna be okay or not?

    “Think so.  He gonna hurt real bad.  I not doctor, so I not know too good.”

    “Yeah, well you’re the one who gets paid to keep his mouth shut and patch people up.  Surely you can figure out if his leg’s broken?”  Shelby started to become more animated and angry.

    Kenny jumped in to defend Mr. Li.  “Shelby, calm down.  You know the kid looked like he had a problem with that leg before you had your guys work him over.  Anyway, I thought the kid wasn’t supposed to get hurt.”

    “I told those two fools to go easy and just get the money away from him, but the kid started fighting back, and they got a little excited.”  During the attack, Shelby had stood back and had watched the men rob and beat Joe.  It had been part of his plan from the beginning.  Shelby had chosen Joe as soon as he had walked into the saloon.  Shelby had a plan and had begun to put it into motion.  “Kenny, what did you find out about this kid?”

    “Nothing.  He wasn’t too talkative.”

    “Well you know what you need to do then.”

    “Shelby, he’s not interested, believe me.  I tried.”

    Shelby grabbed Kenny by the arm and twisted.  “Listen, I’m not askin’. I’m tellin’.  You do what you have to do, but I want to know about this kid.”

    “Shelby, why’re you so interested in this kid?”

    “Kenny, I know what I’m doin’.  Why are you so concerned about him?  We’ve done this hundreds of times.  You’ve never gone squeamish on me before.”

    “Shelby, you’ve never chosen someone this young.”

    “That’s my brilliance, my dear.  People are gonna trust this kid cause of how young he is and that innocent face.  I watched him play cards and he’s pretty good.  The rich idiot we fleeced during that game never suspected the kid was getting fed cards, and better yet, the kid didn’t realize he was being fed cards either.  I’ll have the kid win, and then I’ll have the kid givin’ me the money.”

    “Sounds good Shelby, but how ya know the kid is gonna go along with all this?”

    “I got that covered as well.  You just do what I tell you, and we’ll make money.”  Shelby said, taking Kenny in his arms and lowering his voice.  “Darlin’ you know I need your help.  You’re my partner in all of this.  I’m doin’ this for us, you know?” he spoke sweetly and then kissed her deeply.

    After they broke their embrace, Kenny asked,  “Shelby, what do you want me to do?”

    “Talk to him. Seduce him.  I don’t care.”

    Shelby’s words upset Kenny.  She wondered how much Shelby really loved her.  She was getting tired of the con game they were playing, because she was the one who always had to lure the men into the web.  In the past, she had been battered and beaten by their victims, and she had experienced more than her share of revulsion at having to seduce them.  She loved the lifestyle that the money brought, but she paid a high price for it.

    Kenny looked over to the bed at Joe.  When she had seen him in the saloon she had thought Joe could be very handsome, but he looked skinny, tired and disheveled.  She had noticed the dark circles under his eyes and he looked very pale.  It was quite obvious something was troubling the young man, and she wanted to know his story.  If he was wanted by the law, then she would have no problem taking advantage of him.  However, if there was some other reason for the kid’s problems, then she was more unsure their plan was the right thing to do.  Most of the marks they chose for their con were men that Kenny felt deserved what they got.  She was unsure if the kid was one who deserved it.  She wanted to know more about him.  “Shelby, this kid looks awfully young.  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

    “Are you doubting me?”  Shelby raised his eyebrow.
    Kenny knew from experience not to push Shelby further, and she quickly backed down.  “No Shelby, I’m not.  I just want us to be very careful, so we don’t end up ruining the good thing we got going.”

    “Little darlin’, you do as your told, and we’ll be just fine.”  Shelby instructed.  He then turned again to Mr. Li. “All right Li, you’re obviously worthless to me right now.  I want you to leave me that bottle of morphine and be available when I need you again.  You know to keep your mouth shut and stay available.”

    Shelby knew he would be obeyed by Mr. Li, because Mr. Li had incurred large gambling debts and owed Shelby a significant amount of money.  Shelby had already visited Mr. Li’s home once and had threatened his family.  Mr. Li was a prisoner of Shelby’s will, and Mr. Li’s situation was one that Shelby had many others in which made it easy to control them.

    There were many prominent Sacramento citizens who were indebted to Shelby and his will.  This allowed Shelby to do just about anything he pleased, and if caught in illegal activity, Shelby was certain that the local law enforcement would be easily dissuaded from pursuing him.  That was not to say that Shelby would protect those who worked for him as well.  He had, and would continue to give up employees to law enforcement if he needed a scapegoat.

    Joe remained floating in a medicated sea, oblivious to the plans Shelby held for him.

    The Ponderosa remained in waiting for the youngest Cartwright to return.  Ben had visited Joe’s room numerous times searching in vain for a clue to his current where abouts.  He had not allowed Hop Sing to pick up the room or make the bed.  There was something about leaving Joe’s room as his son had left it.  It helped Ben feel as if Joe was simply out working on he ranch.

    Ben was in Joe’s room when Adam walked by and stuck his head in.  “Pa, everything all right?”

    Ben looked at his eldest child, and Adam saw his father’s pain.  “Adam, I am so worried.  I can’t help feeling as if Joe’s gonna get hurt or get into some kind of trouble that he can’t get out of.  You know how bad off he was that day…”  Ben said.

    Ben could not get out of his mind the picture of how Joe had been when his son had been tearing his room apart looking for the wedding ring.  Ben had terrible images of his son coming apart as he had done that day, and Joe being alone in his madness.  Ben knew that Joe needed someone to help him with all of the feelings he was trying to understand within himself.  Ben’s biggest concern regarding Joe being off by himself, other than Joe’s safety, was Joe’s inability to understand himself at times.  He had seem his son become lost in his own problems and be unable to solve them until he turned to a member of his family for help.  It always seemed that it took a while for Joe to turn to his family, but when he did, he was much better able to cope with them.  Ben wondered if Joe had anyone he could turn to and talk with where ever Joe was at that time.  His fears were that Joe was alone.

    “I know what you mean.  Hoss and I were talking last night and we both just want to go out searching for him.  The frustration is he could be anywhere.  Pa, what are you thinking of doing?”  Adam asked after seeing his father lost in thought.

    “I wish I knew.  You’re right that he could be anywhere.  I feel so helpless, Adam.  I am so afraid I’m never going to see him again.”  Ben had admitted out loud his greatest fear.  He was so afraid Joe was gone forever.

    “I know, Pa.  I have the same fear.  Listen Pa, I think Hoss is having a real hard time with this.  He hasn’t said it, but I know he is afraid something bad is gonna happen to Joe.  Hoss keeps looking out towards the mountains like he expects Joe to come riding up any time.  I know Hoss didn’t see Joe as bad off as you or I did, but I think he knows there was something bad wrong with Joe before he left.  I know those two are so closely connected that he’s really hurting bad.”

    “I’ll speak with him, Adam.  I’m not sure if it will help, but I’ll speak with him.”  Ben said in a dejected tone.

    Adam heard a despair in his father that unnerved him.  He had never heard his father doubt his ability to help his children.  Ben had taught his three boys that family meant everything, and there was nothing that family could not overcome.  Adam wondered if his father had come to doubt this.  “Pa, what’s going on?  Why did you say that you were not sure about being able to help Hoss?  You know you’re talking to him always make him feel better.”

    “Son, I couldn’t help Joe.”  Ben said the tears in his eyes. “ I couldn’t make him see that he was not at fault.  I couldn’t help him with the pain.  I have been right where he is and I couldn’t reach him.  Adam, I failed him.”

    “Pa, you didn’t fail Joe.  You kept trying to talk to him.  It’s just Joe wasn’t able to talk about it.  I saw you try to get through to him.  He knows how much you love him.  Joe’s eaten up with grief, Pa and he couldn’t hear you.  It’s been no one’s fault.  You can’t blame yourself for this, just like Joe can’t blame himself for Rebecca’s death.  It has all been such a terrible accident.”

    “I just want him home, son.  I can’t help him if he’s not here.  He needs us and you know we need him.  I wish he knew how much we need him.”

    Adam tried to remain optimistic for his father, although he knew the state Joe had been in when he had left.  “Pa, when he gets back we’ll make sure he knows just how much we need him.”

    Ben put his hand on Adam’s shoulder to thank him for his words.  “Well I want to go find Hoss and talk to him.”  Ben said, walking away after gently squeezing Adam’s shoulder.

    “I think that is a good idea.”  Adam responded.

    Ben went outside and looked around the yard.  He found his middle child standing at the side of the house absent-mindedly whittling on some wood.  “Hey Hoss, how’re you doing?”  Ben asked, looking in the eyes of his son.

    Hoss had been thinking of his little brother and worrying about his safety.  Hoss had always been very protective of Joe and was so worried about Joe being off somewhere without his big brother’s protection.  “Tell you the truth, Pa, not very well.”

    “You missing Joe?”

    “It’s more than missin’ him, Pa.  Joe’s been gone before on round ups and such, and he’s even run away before.  But, I’m ‘fraid of how he may be fairin’ out there this time.  Pa, Joe isn’t in his right mind is he?”

    “Hoss, I don’t really know.  I don’ know what happened to Joe, and I don’t know if it will happen again.  You have to know Hoss that Joe loves you very much and he knows how much you love him.”

    “But Pa, I need to protect him.  Especially right now.  When Joe was little and he’d get picked on at school, Pa I took care of him.  I’ll never forget the time he had some kid pickin’ on him ‘cause he had no mama.  Joe just cried and cried cause of that Pa, and I took care of him.  Pa, he was out of his head the day before he left, and I know he can’t make it out there like that.”

    “Hoss we have got to believe we are gonna get Joe back.  And when we do we’re gonna help him get better.”  Ben tried to convince Hoss of something he was not sure he believed himself.  He prayed that his middle child could believe easier than he did himself.

    “But we have no idea where he is.  He can’t do it by himself, Pa.  I know it, and you know it.  Pa, Joe needs us and we aren’t there.”

    Ben heard how bad Hoss was hurting.  “We can only pray for him right now.  We just have no idea where to find him, Hoss.  I have Roy sending out telegrams to everywhere I can think Joe would go.  We can’t just ride all over the country looking for him.”

    “Pa, would you mind if I packed a bed roll and rode to a few towns and asked about Joe?”

    Ben looked at Hoss for a few seconds.  Hoss needed to doing something to help to feel better.  Ben thought and then spoke, “Okay, but on one condition.  You only go a few days ride out and then come back.  You telegraph me with your where abouts as you go and you come back regardless of what you find by Friday.”

    Ben was skeptical that Hoss could actually find anything, but he knew Hoss needed to go look.  His middle child needed to feel he was doing everything he could for his little brother.  Ben also found himself feeling just a twinge of hope that maybe Hoss would come across Joe.  The two were so intune with each other that it was worth a try.

    “Thank you, Pa.  I’ll get ready and head on out.”

    “Son, please be careful.”  Ben said putting his arm on Hoss’s.

    “Don’t worry, Pa.  And if he’s out there, I’ll find him.”

    Ben knew he’d worry.  He worried every time one of his boys was away from the ranch.  He prayed Hoss would be safe and find Joseph.
 
 

    The morphine allowed Joe to escape the pain, and he eventually fell off to sleep.  His body ached for sleep and he welcomed the dreamless state the morphine provided.  The sleep he received under the medication was the most he had been blessed with in weeks, and he remained there for long hours until his body reluctantly woke.

    Upon waking, he looked around the room.  He did not know where he was, but he could tell that it was probably a woman’s room.  There were frilly curtains on the windows, perfume bottles on the dresser and several dresses hanging over a chair.  He sat up and felt the heaviness in his head.  Moving caused the pain to return to his leg full force, and he winced.  He sat waiting for the pain to dissipate.  “Where am I?”  he questioned himself.  He remembered very little of the attack or the help he was given following it.

    He continued to look around as he sat up in the bed.  He recalled having stopped in Sacramento and going into the saloon.  He quickly realized that he had been robbed.  “Great.  Now what’re you gonna do?”  he asked himself.  He began to feel hopeless.  He did not feel he could go back home because of what had happened to him in his head while there, and because of the memories.

    As he thought of the reason he had left, he again reflected on the accident and his banishment to hell.  He felt as if that was his destiny and the latest event of the robbery only confirmed this for him.  He thought of Rebecca and how perfect it had all been.  Was that all he was ever going to experience of Heaven?  Was he only allowed a glimpse, so that he would know what he was missing, but he was not to be given the whole experience?  Was God that cruel?  He felt himself going back to the bad place in his mind that he had left the Ponderosa to avoid.  He wondered briefly if there was any escape from the hurt.  He told himself he would make a deal with the devil if it would let him escape his head.

    What Joe had yet to realize was that his “deal with the devil” was already well on its way to being solidified.

    Joe was sitting in bed thinking of Rebecca when the door opened and Kenny peered around the door frame.  “Oh, hey, you’re awake.”  She said brightly and stepping into the room.  “How ya doin’?”

    “Hey… I’m okay.”  Joe gave his pat answer in his flat tone.

    “You were banged up on your leg pretty bad.  Does it hurt?”

    Joe looked down at his leg and then back up to Kenny,  “Uh… I’ll live.”

    Kenny moved over and sat on the side of the bed.  “I helped you last night and it looked like you had hurt your leg before those men beat you.  What’d you do to yourself?”

    Joe continued to look at Kenny as he contemplated what he would say.  He was not about to tell her about Rebecca, the accident or anything else.  “Okay, Joe think of a good one.”  He said to himself.  “Well I was busting some horses on a ranch and came off of one wrong.  Broke my leg.”  He told her feeling relieved he was able to come up with a viable scenario quickly.

    “Well from the looks of it, you broke it pretty good.  When did it happen?”

    “’Bout six or seven weeks ago.”  Joe said, but thought to himself  “Is that all it’s been?  Feels like it has been my whole life.”

    “Oh, so you actually rode a horse here?”

    “Uh huh.”

    “You must have wanted to get away from where you were pretty bad then.  That had to have been really painful.”  Kenny probed.

    Joe was becoming more uncomfortable with Kenny’s questions.  He had recalled her asking a lot of questions the day before in the saloon.  For a moment he felt a pang of longing for Rebecca.  She had always asked him a lot of questions.  Questions he never got tired of hearing and questions he never got tired of answering.

    Kenny saw Joe was miles away in his head.  “Hey, I asked you a question.’

    “Huh?  Oh, uh, no I wasn’t leaving for any particular reason, just moving on.”  Joe said, and then realized he needed to change the subject.  He used a tactic he had mastered with his family.  He’d put the focus back on her.  “So, what kind of name is Kenny for a girl?”

    Kenny noticed the change in subject, but decided to go along.  “Actually my name is Kendall.  I go by Kenny in the saloon.  It’s easier.”

    “So Kendall, what’s a nice girl like you doin’ in a place like this?”  Joe asked, deliberately using the pat line he knew men were always asking saloon girls.

    She chuckled and said,  “Just makin’ a living.  I was on my way to San Francisco from St. Louis got this far and stopped.  Ran out of money, met Shelby and the rest is just boring details.”

    “Shelby?  What’s his story?”  Joe inquired, but not real interested in the answer.  His leg was becoming more painful as the morphine left his system.

    “Shelby owns a lot of the joints here in Sacramento.  I guess he’s from money back east somewhere.  I’ve been workin’ for him for a couple of years now.”

    Joe was finding it harder to focus on Kendall’s words as he felt more and more of the pain.  She noticed he was looking uncomfortable.  “Hey, you hurtin’?”  she asked.

    “Um listen, I’ll be gettin’ out of here and givin’ you your room back.”  Joe said, although he had no idea how he could actually walk or where he would go.”

    “Are you crazy?  You can’t go anywhere.  You can’t walk.  That leg of yours is messed up real bad.  You’re gonna be lucky if you don’t have some long lasting problems with it.  No you’re staying right here.”

    “No I can’t.”  Joe resisted.  He wanted to go off by himself and be alone.  He certainly did not want to be indebted to this woman.  She was nice he thought, but he did not want to have to cope with another person.  That was a reason he had left the Ponderosa.  People were wanting him to talk to them, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.  He thought he would leave the woman’s room and go somewhere and camp out.  Joe was going to attempt to get out of bed when he realized he had no idea where his clothes were.  “If you’ll just get me my clothes, I’ll be goin’.”

    “I can’t do that.”  Kenny said, with a playful look in her eye.

    “What do you mean you can’t do that.  Get me my clothes and let me get out of here.”  Joe was beginning to get angry.  He was feeling trapped.

    “Nope.  I can’t ‘cause they aren’t here.”

    “What do you mean they aren’t here?  Listen  I want to get out of here, and I don’t want to play games.”

    “Calm down.  I sent them out to be cleaned and sewed up.  They looked like you’d been in them a while.”  Actually Kenny had sent them out to be cleaned after she had gone through all of the pockets looking for valuables or clues regarding Joe’s background.  She found neither.

    “I didn’t ask you to do that.”  Joe snapped.  He was hurting badly and hating the feeling of being trapped.

    “Well, you’re welcome.”  Kenny said, responding to Joe’s attitude with her own.

    Joe felt a twinge of guilt for speaking to the woman the way he had, but he was angry.  He wanted out of there.  “Thank you for doing that, but I really gotta get goin’.”

    “You can’t walk or haven’t you figured that one out yet?”

    “Yes I can.”  Joe said, feeling more defiant than really believing he was going to be able to put pressure on his leg.

    “Oh, yeah and I’m gonna grow wings and fly in a minute.  Look you can’t walk.  Just lay there and get better, would ya.”

    Joe was determined to leave regardless of how much sense it made.  He gathered the blankets around him and swung his legs over the bed.  He took a deep breath and stood.  The pain was intense and he crumpled to the floor.  Kenny had stood back and watched him shaking her head.  “Now THAT was about the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.”  She said as she looked at Joe writhing on the floor.  “Besides where you think you’re goin’ wrapped in a blanket?”

    Joe could not believe how bad he hurt and this woman was being smart with him.  “Oh… boy… that hurt!”  He said in obvious pain.

    “I bet it did.  You gonna listen to me now or you wanna see how much you can stand of the pain?  Maybe you want to walk down to the laundry and get your clothes?”  Kenny said sarcastically.

    “Just… help… me…up.”  Joe’s words came in gasps.
    “Okay, but I hope you learned your lesson.”  Kenny said, moving over and helping Joe back into bed.  After Joe was settled, Kenny produced the bottle of morphine.  “Here take some of this.  I bet you could use it right now.”

    Joe did not ask what Kenny was giving him.  He simply opened his mouth and drank it.  She sat on the bed watching him as he sat with his eyes closed waiting for the medicine to work.  They sat together not talking for many minutes.  Finally the nausea induced by the medicine hit him again, but then it was quickly followed by the warmth and relief.  Kenny observed the medicine overtake Joe.  She saw his muscles relax and his jaw stopped clinching.  Joe opened his eyes and looked at her.  His eyes were glassy and his pupils were dilated.  Kenny spoke,  “Feeling better?”

    “Uh huh…”  Joe managed to say.  He felt as if he were floating without a care in the world.  “That’s some strong stuff.”  He slurred.

    “Yeah, it sure is.”  Kenny decided to ask Joe a few questions and see if he were more responsive to them while in his current state.  “Joe, how old are you?”

    “How old am I?”  Joe spoke with a voice that showed it was obvious that he was intoxicated.  “Um… I’m seventeen.”  As Joe spoke his words all ran together.

    Kenny felt guilty when she heard Joe’s age.  She was beginning to feel as if this kid was not going to deserve what Shelby had planned for him.  “Joe why are you in Sacramento?”

    “Don’t know.”  Joe was vaguely aware of Kenny’s questioning him.  It did not seem quite as important to him, but he knew there was some reason he did not want to talk.  “Why you wanna know so much ‘bout me?”

    “Just making conversation, s’all.  You sure are secretive.”

    “Well seems t’me that’s not any of your business s’all.  S’my business.”  Joe was having greater difficulty talking and his eyes were getting very heavy.  “You just don’t worry ‘bout me.”

    “Well I’m just trying to get to know you.  You really don’t have to be so rude.  I’m not trying to do anything other than talk.”  By the time Kenny had finished her sentence Joe was asleep.

    Kenny shook her head at Joe and pulled the blankets up.  She sat looking at him for a minute wondering if she was doing the right thing by helping Shelby.  She knew too little about the kid to feel totally comfortable with her decision to go along with Shelby’s plan.  Although if she were totally honest with herself, she would have to admit that when it came to Shelby, she had little choice in the matter.  He had decided the kid would be used, so the kid would be used.

    Joe woke to a quiet, dark room.  He had again slept peacefully.  Much more peaceful than he had remembered having done since the accident.  He had felt a deep sense of relief at not having the nightmares return.  He wished he could have had the pleasant dreams he had experienced before the nightmares had started, but he was not willing to risk the bad dreams, so he usually fought sleep until it overtook him.

    Joe was determined not to stay in bed.  He had been bedridden for too long while at home and was not about to be bedridden and vulnerable with strangers.  He was instantly frustrated because he wanted to be able to see around the room, but there was no lamp lit.  He laid there trapped, knowing he could go nowhere until someone came up to the room to rescue him.  That made him angry.  His leg was a dull throb, but he knew it would be foolish to try and walk.  He had done that too many times before, only to pay a big price in suffering.

    Joe remained laying in the dark for much longer than he believed he could stand, all the while becoming more and more frustrated.  He hated being trapped, and he hated being injured.  Just as he let out a big sigh, he heard a man’s voice.  “You awake?”

    “Yeah.”  Joe answered, unsure of who the voice belonged to, but hoping it was someone who could help him get out of the room where he found himself.

    “Hey, you remember me from last night?”  Shelby asked.

    “Uh, vaguely.  Can’t remember your name though.  Sorry.”  Joe said sheepishly.

    “Name’s Shelby.  I’m not surprised you don’t remember.  You were hurtin’ pretty bad.”

    “Listen, thanks for what you did for me.  I really appreciate it.  I’ll make sure you get repaid for anything you may be out for helping me.”  Joe said.

    “Don’t worry about it, kid.  Hey, Kenny told me you want to get up and around.  Don’t blame you.  I got some clothes you can use, and I got you some crutches.”

    Joe breathed a big sigh of relief.  He was going to be able to get out of the bed and out of the room where he felt trapped.  Shelby had laid some clothes on the foot of the bed and Joe was anxious to get dressed.  Shelby sensed Joe’s anxiousness and asked,  “You need any help?”

    “Naugh,  I can do it.”  Joe said, not really believing it himself.  He knew his leg would not tolerate any weight on it.

    “Well here.  Let me leave you with some of this pain killer, so if you need to move around you can.  Just take some so you can do what you need to do.  I know this laying around can get tedious at times.”

    “Sure can.”  Joe agreed.  He started to move and felt the pain hit him hard.  He flinched and Shelby saw it.

    “Here, take some of this and then meet me downstairs.”  Shelby instructed, handing Joe the bottle of morphine and then walked out of the room.

    Joe uncorked the bottle of morphine and took a long draw.  He had grown used to using liquor and other medicine to help him cope with the pain he felt, be it physical or emotional.  He felt he was weak for using them to help him cope, but he also felt there was no other way.  He could not allow his head to go where it wanted to go.  He knew if he allowed that to happen, he would go insane.  He needed to use what he could to escape.  He had loved Rebecca so much, and he could not let her go any other way.  He had resolved himself to this.  He could not let her go.  He loved her far too much.

    As Joe remembered Rebecca, he also felt the memories fade with the drug.  He felt the morphine relieve the pain, and he became numb to his mind.  She was distant from him; she was gone at that moment.  He found himself torn, he had to get her out of his head, but he never wanted her gone.  He was at a loss to handle this dilemma.  How could he hold on to her and let her go?  He had no idea.  “Oh Bec,  I miss you so.”  Joe said aloud to the Heavens.

    He sat until the medicine worked, and he felt nothing.  He then slowly got himself dressed and headed downstairs into the saloon.  Once in the saloon he made his way to a table and sat down.  Joe felt better getting out of the room and being in the bustling atmosphere.  He noted there were several card games in progress and several casino games he was unfamiliar with.  Virginia City’s saloons tended to cater to the poker player, although Joe had seen that The Brass Rail Saloon in Virginia City had added a couple of games gamblers were playing back east and in San Francisco.  Joe thought he would try his hand at some of the others games when he felt a little better.  As he thought of this, he remembered he had no money.  The robbery the night before had cleaned him out.  Although his senses were dulled from the morphine, he still felt the wave of panic come over him.  “Oh, no.”  he thought.  “How am I gonna make some money?  Everything I know how to do involves being able to move around, but I can’t with my leg like this.  I can’t work as a hand in the condition I’m in.”

    Joe realized he was in trouble.  He had nothing on him he could sell to make a few dollars.  He had left everything of value back at the Ponderosa.  As he sat trying to figure out how he was going to take care of himself,  Kendall walked over and sat down with him.  “So you’re up and about.  Oh, I do think though, the blanket would have suited you better than those clothes.”

    Joe was not in any mood to joke with Kendall.  He gave her a look that said he found no humor in her comment.

    “You know you really need to lighten up some.  You’re awfully serious for someone so young.”  Kendall said in response to Joe’s look.

    “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve got a few things on my mind that I need to deal with, so if you will be so kind as to go away and leave me alone, I’d appreciate it.”  Joe voice held the familiar flatness that conveyed a message of apathy.

    “Well maybe I can help?”  Kenny suggested.

    “Well maybe I don’t want your help.”  Joe snapped.

    “Geez!  All I want to do is help you.  You don’t have to be such a bastard about it.”

    Kenny’s words caught Joe’s attention.  He was not used to hearing a woman speak as she had, and he found it gutsy.  “So how can you help?’  he asked.

    “What’s the problem?”

    “Because I was relieved of my money last night, I have none.  The only way I know how to make money is to work as a cowhand or work horses, and as you have been so kind to point out upstairs, I am unable to do much at the moment.”

    “Oh, well that is a problem isn’t it.  You got any family that you can write to and maybe get some money sent to you?”  Kendall suggested.  She thought it clever of herself to come up with this suggestion.  Perhaps now she could find out more about him.

    At the mention of family Joe immediately thought of his father and brothers.  He had tried to keep them out of his mind as much as possible, but it was difficult.  He knew he had hurt them badly by leaving, and he wondered if he would ever feel sane enough to return to them.

    Again Kendall saw Joe go off somewhere in his mind.  She knew there was something the kid was not telling her and it intrigued her all the more.  “Surely, you’re folks miss you, don’t they?”

    Joe looked at her and resisted the urge to tell her all about his family.  He had always taken great pride in being a Cartwright and in telling people about his family.  But now he wanted distance from them, but more so, he wanted distance from himself.  He did not want to be Joe Cartwright anymore, and to not be Joe Cartwright meant that he could not have his family either.

    Joe decided upon his response.  “I don’t have a family.  They got… killed.”

    Kenny immediately felt bad for the kid.  She was surprised at his response and wanted to let the kid know she felt for him.  “Geez, Joe.  I’m sorry.  How’d they die?”

    “Wagon accident.”  Was all Joe said.  The buckboard accident had killed so much in him that he felt he might as well blame it for the separation from his family as well.

    “That’s terrible.  When did it happen?”

    Joe did not want to talk about the subject any further.  “Um, this isn’t solving my problem, Kenny.”

    Again Kendall felt Joe change the subject.  “Oh, well, let’s see.  You got a horse?”
     Joe had forgotten about the horse he had ridden into town until that moment.  The thought of selling the horse was not very appealing to Joe, because it meant he would be even more trapped in Sacramento.  But then he thought of the feed bill and knew he could not pay for the upkeep of the animal.  “I really don’t want to do that, but I guess it’s an idea.”

    “Wait a minute.  Let’s talk to Shelby about this before you do that.”  Kenny said and then immediately signaled for Shelby to come to their table.

    Shelby walked over and took a seat.  “Hey kid, Kenny, what you need.  Oh, wait, before we get to talking, kid what ‘cha drinkin’?”

    “Oh no, thanks, but I’d better not.”  Although he had taken a lighter dose of the morphine, Joe was feeling it’s effects.  He did not think a drink would be such a good idea.

    “Nonsense, kid.  I don’t trust someone who doesn’t drink with me.”  Shelby said and ordered whiskey and three glasses from the bartender.   “Now what’re you two talking about?”

    Kenny spoke,  “Joe here needs some money.  Those guys who robbed him last night got all of what he had.  He can’t work at his usual job as a ranch hand ‘cause of his leg, so he’s worried about makin’ do.”

    “Oh, hey kid, I can help you out.  I feel kinda responsible for what happened to you anyway.  After all you were robbed right outside my establishment.  Makes my place look bad to have something like that happen.  Let me think what I can come up with here…”  Shelby deliberately acted as if he was just coming up with the offer he was going to make to Joe.

    While Shelby made himself look engrossed in thought, the whiskey bottle arrived on the table and Shelby pour generous amounts into the three glasses.  “Here kid.  Drink up.”

    Joe took the whiskey and held the glass without drinking it.  He was not sure he wanted anything to drink at that moment.  He knew if he was going to get drunk, he had no place to go and sleep it off.

    Shelby noted Joe’s hesitancy and gestured for Joe to drink.  Joe gave in and drank the warm liquid.  Shelby smiled and said,  “Ah ha!  I’ve got it.  Kid, I watched you last night, and you play a pretty good hand of poker.  How ‘bout I stake you, and you give me a cut of your winnings.  If you play in my places, then it helps me, ‘cause it makes the place look busy.  What do you say?”

    “Uh…  you mean play poker like, for a job?”  Joe asked, confused that this man wanted to stake him to play cards.

    “Yeah.  You sit here and play poker.  That way you keep games goin’ in my place.  The guys’ll drink, so I’ll make some money off of them that way, and then you just give me a cut of what you win.”

    “What if I lose?”  Joe could not believe that Shelby was serious.

    “I am willing to take the chance.  You lose you’re out nothing, I promise, and if you win, well, we both make money.”

    “So let me get his straight.  You will give me money to play poker.  If I lose I owe you nothing, if I win I give you a cut?  Sounds pretty easy.  Everything’s all legal isn’t it?”

    Shelby quickly responded,  “Oh, yeah.  You know what they do to card sharps.  That’s a way to get yourself shot, damn quick.  Either that or a trip to jail.  No, I run an honest place, and I wouldn’t do that to you.  Look you can quit anytime you want to.  You can make your money back that was stolen and then, when your leg is better, you can ride on outta here.”

    Joe thought about the offer.  He really had little choice in the matter.  He was stranded in a strange place and needed money to leave.  He was not about to wire his father, and he did not like the idea of selling the horse.  He had no other choice.  “Okay, you got a deal.”

    “Good, good.”  Shelby said.  “Hey and you’ll need a place to stay.  I’ve got a spare room upstairs you can use.  That is if you don’t want to stay with Kenny here?”

    Joe knew what Shelby was implying and felt himself blush slightly.  “No, I think I’ll take you up on the spare room.”

    “Suit yourself.  Well you just take it easy here, and Kenny’ll make sure you have what you need.  Won’t ‘cha Kenny?”  Shelby said as he stood and walked away.

    “Sure will, Shelby.”  Kenny said to Shelby’s back as he walked away.  She then turned to Joe,  “See it all worked out.”

    “Yeah, it did.  Thank you, Kenny.”  Joe said and tried to smile.  He had very little reaction to his new job and felt nothing.  He did though, find it somewhat ironic that he was going to be doing the job his father always seemed to refer to when Joe needed a haircut- being a riverboat gambler.  Although he was not on a river, the rest of the scenario was fitting to his father’s fears.  Joe ran his hands through his hair as he thought of his father’s expression and realized his hair was probably longer than it had ever been.  “Fitting,”  he thought to himself.

    Joe’s thank you made her feel guilty.  She hoped that Shelby’s plan could work without the kid getting into serious trouble or getting killed.  She also hoped Shelby was not willing to take the plan as far as he had other times with other unsuspecting victims.  She would look out for the kid, she told herself in an effort to appease her guilt.
 
 

    Hoss rode in and out of every small town he came across.  He faithfully wired his father with his location, and time after time he had to add to the wire that there was no sign of Joe.  As the day approached that he would need to turn back if he was going to make it back to the Ponderosa on time, Hoss made a decision.  He could not go back home yet.  There were more places he wanted to check, and the image of his little brother lost, alone, and needing his older brother to protect him remained etched in his mind.  He realized he had to wire his father with his decision.

PA (STOP)
I CANNOT RETURN TO RANCH YET (STOP).  I AM STILL LOOKING FOR JOE (STOP) I WILL KEEP SENDING YOU MY WHERE ABOUTS (STOP)  I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND (STOP)

HOSS (STOP)

    Adam was in town when the telegram came into the telegraph office.  He had stopped by to get the mail and was handed the message from Hoss.  He read it and thought to himself,  “For Hoss to go against Pa is really something.  I’m not surprised though.  I wish I was out there with him.”

    Adam placed the telegram in his pocket and walked down the street.  He turned and went into the Bucket of Blood Saloon.  Adam was not regular of that particular saloon, but Joe was, and Adam had been in there to retrieve his brother many times.  He found himself wishing Joe was involved in some card game in the saloon, and he was there to pull his brother out of it and take him home.

    Adam walked up to the bar and asked for a beer.  “Hey Adam, we don’t usually get you in here.” The bartender commented as he drew a beer for Adam.

    “Yeah, well I was just comin’ in for a quick beer, and then I’m on my way.”

    “Hey, I heard your little brother’s missing.  I think he was in here that day he took off.”

    “Really?  He was here?”  Adam asked, caught off guard.

    “Yeah, he came in that morning.  He asked for a bottle of whiskey and took it with him.  I told him I thought it was awfully early to be drinking, but he wanted the bottle anyway.”

    Adam’s heart fell.  He remembered the scene between his father and Joe about Joe’s drinking with the ranch hand.  What he had heard from the bartender made him more convinced that Joe was in big trouble where ever he was.  Adam was unsure if he would share the revelation from the bartender with his father.  He knew it would torture his father and there was nothing his father could do except worry anyway.  Adam said a silent prayer for his little brother’s safety as he feared the worst.

    Ben had been riding back to the ranch from the north timber stand.  He had decided to keep himself busy by riding out to check on some trees that they would be harvesting soon.  He had ridden along lost in thought.  Ben was finding it harder to continue to work without thinking of Joe and oddly enough thinking of Marie.  He felt himself missing her in a way he had not felt for years.  The hole he had in his heart was growing, and he was unsure how to stop it.  He would begin to think of Joseph and then it would quickly change to thoughts of Marie.  What Ben was beginning to realize was how his youngest child had filled the hole he had in his heart after the death of his third wife.  Now with both gone, he felt the loss profoundly.

    Ben almost missed seeing the paint pony running with the wild herd that lived on the Ponderosa.  He had been thinking of his loss when the herd crossed an open area off to Ben’s right.  The movement caught his attention and he looked over just in time to see Cochise running with the herd.  Ben pulled up Buck and watched the paint pony.  He had watched that horse and his son ride like the wind so many times.  He felt a sadness pass through him as he watched his son’s beloved horse move away and out of sight.  “Joseph, am I ever going to see you again?”

    Joe lost track of the days and nights, but knew he had been away from the Ponderosa for at least several weeks.  He settled into the room over the saloon and began to play cards for Shelby nightly.  His days consisted of sleeping through most of the daylight hours, only waking after the sun had gone down, and the saloon had really come alive for the evening.  He was using morphine daily and generously to manage the pain and to numb his mind.  Joe refused to allow himself to think of Rebecca or his family.  If the thoughts would enter his mind, he would immediately stop himself.  If he was unable to stop the thinking on his own, he would allow the medication or alcohol to assist him until he was beyond thinking.

    The morphine began to function less as a sedative and more as a way for Joe to function on a flat, yet even keel.  The sleep that used to accompany a dose of the medication began to become less of a factor, until the morphine no longer made him sleepy.  What Joe found was, he could take a dose and remain functional, although he appeared to most people as flat and without expression.  The pain he felt in his leg became very distant and between the morphine and the crutches, Joe felt he managed quite well.

    Kenny had watched the kid and knew he was using an excessive amount of morphine and was drinking heavily.  She began to realize that this too had been part of Shelby’s plan for the young man.  Kenny continued to try and work Joe’s story out of him, and he continued to remained closed off to telling her much of anything.  Kenny kept her vow to herself to be protective of the kid and tended to sit close to Joe and keep an eye out for him.  Joe would sit and play cards, and she would be near, either sitting next to him or behind him.  Joe was oblivious to the con that was being run in the saloon.  Shelby had enough people who owed him, so that he could rotate them through his various establishments, and unless someone kept careful records, they would not catch the scam that was being run.  The mark was almost always a stranger, and that stranger was usually chosen for his money and for his inebriated state.

    The Sheriff made a habit of walking through the saloons and kept a close eye out for cheating.  The biggest cause for concern in his city was the problems that developed in the saloons, so he tended to remain ever watchful of the potential for trouble.  The Sheriff had noticed the new kid who was hanging out in the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon.  The law man had already perused through the wanted posters looking to see if the kid was wanted, but he found nothing.  He had not received a flyer from Virginia City with a notice to look out for a young man who greatly resembled the newest patron of the Cock o’ the Walk.

    Joe had finished playing in a game that ended with him fifty dollars up.  He moved over to another table to sit by himself.  Kenny quickly moved over and sat with him.  She signaled the bartender and turned to talk to Joe,  “Hey, you hungry?  You haven’t eaten much, so let me buy you supper.”

    “Naugh, I had a good night tonight.  I’ll buy.”  Joe counter-offered.  He had gotten used to Kenny usually joining him after he played cards, and he did not seem to mind it much, as long as she did not ask a lot of questions.  Kenny caught on to this as well and spaced her questions far enough apart so that Joe would not become overly secretive.  She tried hard not to make it so that the questions she asked would make him mad so that he would disappear upstairs.

    Kenny found that over the weeks as she saw Joe on a regular basis, she found herself becoming more and more attracted to him.  She would watch him play cards nightly.  There were certain things he would do that drew her towards him.  Joe had a habit when he was deep in thought, he would chew on his bottom lip.  When he did this, Kenny would smile to herself.  She had grown to find his hair to be almost irresistible.  He would run his fingers through his hair to straighten it, and Kenny began to long to do that for him.  She noticed that there was a quality about Joe that she was found enticing, and the more she was around him, the more she wanted to know him better.  He tended to slouch in his chair, and at times allowed a cigarette to hang lazily from his mouth.  She found his mannerisms to have a sensual nature to them.  She wondered if he realized this about himself, or if it had just come natural to him.

    Kenny also grew certain that there was something deeply wrong with the young man.  She found his eyes to be very alluring and would draw her in, but when she looked in them she saw something she could not quite put her finger on.  She could not decided if what she saw had always been there, or if something had happened to the young man, and he now carried the pain in his eyes.  She noticed he almost always avoided eye contact with people.  The dark circles she had seen under his eyes were still present and she wondered how much sleep he actually got.  It was almost too much for her to not come right out and ask him what was his story.  She knew to ask that question would cause him to retreat, and she had to admit, she enjoyed sitting with him too much to risk it.

    Although Kenny enjoyed begin with Joe, he had little feelings for much of anything.  He spoke to Kenny because she spoke to him.  That was how he functioned with most everyone.  He had no idea of Kenny’s increased interest in him, and if he had known, there was nothing he would have done about it.  He preferred to be emotionally dead.  He had resolved himself to coping with his hurt by avoiding caring about anyone.  He told himself that this was now his lot in life and he felt had come to accept it.

    Kenny’s attraction to Joe did not go unnoticed by Shelby.  He tended to see just about everything that went on in his saloons, and he noticed the look Kenny got on her face as soon as the young man entered the room from upstairs.  Shelby had decided he would let Kenny have her fun with the kid for a while, but then he would reassert his authority over her by taking the kid out of the picture.  He was pleased that the marks who came into the saloon were unaware of the con being run, and he was taking up to seventy five percent of Joe’s winnings per night.  He had every intention of having one hundred percent of the winning, but he would do this gradually.  The kid did not seem to notice much, and Shelby was pleased the kid seemed to want to become lost in the bottom of a bottle, rather than to resist the control Shelby was putting over on him.

    Kenny and Joe sat making small talk as they did every night after the saloon calmed down and the money left for the night.  They ate dinner and drank together as Kenny filled Joe in on the local gossip.  Joe half-heartedly listened and had no reaction to her stories.  Kenny found it frustrating to talk with Joe, because she wanted him to pay closer attention to her.  She decided to risk saying what she had been thinking.  “Hey, Joe.  You know you really should back off of that stuff you’re taking.  I’m sure that it’s not doin’ you much good.  And you know, you drink too much.”

    “Oh, so now you're my mother, Kenny?  I left home to do as I pleased, and now you want to tell me what to do?”  Joe said, getting annoyed at Kenny.  She had voiced what he knew was true, but he was in no mood to hear it.

    “I’m just trying to help you.  What are you hiding from Joe?”

    “Hiding?  What makes you think I’m hiding?”

    “You don’t talk about yourself at all, you drink all the time, and you get angry every time I ask you a question about yourself.  To me that says you’re hiding.”

    “Well, first off, there is nothing to tell about myself.  I work on ranches ropin’ cows and breakin’ horses.  What and when I choose to drink is my business, not yours, and I get angry because you don’t seem to believe me when I do answer you.  Would you prefer I make up some story that is more exciting?  I’m not wanted by the law, at least I don’t think I am.  I have no family, and I don’t live any place in particular.  Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

    “There is something about you Joe.  You have a look in your eye sometimes that says there is more to the story.  Sometimes you look very sad to me.”

    Joe was increasingly uncomfortable with Kenny’s revelation.  He hated it that she could look at him and see there was something bothering him.  Again he was reminded of why he did not want to linger in any particular place for long.  He felt he had stayed too long as it was in Sacramento, but his ability to make money seemed to be slower than he had counted on.  He also knew his leg would not tolerate riding a horse for any great distance.  His leg was healing, and he felt he could put some weight on it, but he did not want to risk further damage to himself.  He had known the ride from Virginia City had put far too much strain on it, and that was one of the reasons it was much more painful as it healed.

    The familiar feeling of being trapped set in, and Joe wanted to be released from its bonds.  “So why don’t you tell me what my deep dark secret is Kenny, if you’re so sure I’ve got one.”  Joe challenged.

    “How am I supposed to know Joe, it’s why I asked you.  I have no idea what you’re hiding.  If you really are not wanted by the law, then it must be a matter of the heart maybe?”  Kenny said as she started to flirt.  She moved closer to him and put her hands on his collar and started to play with his hair.

    Joe’s heart jumped and he prayed Kenny did not see a reaction from him.  He reached up and took her hands in his.  “Oh, Miss Kenny, to have a matter of the heart you’ve got to have a heart, and that my dear woman, I do not have.”

    With that, Joe released Kenny’s hands and stood.  He gathered the crutches and made his way upstairs.  Kenny watched him leave and thought to herself.  “You’re wrong Joe.  I know that.  You have a heart, something has happened to it.  I can tell.”
    Kenny had known all types of men and considered herself a good judge of character.  She knew she had chosen to surrender herself to someone with bad character, namely Shelby, but she trusted her gut, and she knew Joe was a good person.  She felt it.  She chose to be with Shelby, and in many ways, believed she was using him as he was using her, but she did not want an innocent to be harmed in the game they played.  She had never wanted that, and had told herself a long time back that, if she came across an innocent in their con, she would not go through with the game.

    As much as she had wanted to believe that she too was good, and that she would stop Shelby from harming Joe as he became more caught in their web, Kenny wondered if she would indeed follow through and stop Shelby.  She remained uncertain.  She knew she wanted to do the right thing, but she also wanted to keep the life to which she had grown accustomed.  Kenny had more money in the bank than she had ever dreamed of, thanks to Shelby, so she knew she owed him.  She had been a dirt farmer’s daughter who vowed never to live as she had as a child.  She would be leaving the saloons soon with enough money to live the rest of her life in comfort.  It was only going to take a few more marks and a couple more cons.  “Why did the kid have to show up now?”  She asked herself.

    Joe had made his way upstairs and went into his room.  As he entered the room and sat on the bed, he thought of what Kenny had said to him.  She could see that there was something bothering him, and it unnerved him.  He got up and walked over to the table in the corner and stood before a mirror that hung over the washbasin.  He took a good hard look at himself.  He knew he looked terrible.  He had spent little time looking at himself in the mirror, only shaving every fourth or fifth day.  When he did shave, it was as if he actively avoided looking at himself.  As he looked at himself, he thought,  “I certainly left Joe Cartwright behind at the Ponderosa.”

    With his hair grown out and the stubble from not shaving, he looked much more ragged and somewhat older.  Joe had allowed Kenny to take some of his money and buy him some clothes.  He stood looking at himself dressed all in black.  “So you’re a gambler now.  You definitely look the part, Joe.  Pa would be so proud.”  He said sarcastically.

    Joe stood looking at himself as his anger rose.  He eventually felt furious and picked up a bottle off of the washbasin and threw it at the mirror, shattering it.  He remained standing staring at the place where the mirror once hung as the door opened.

    “Joe, everything all right?”  It was Kenny who had been passing by the room when she heard the crash.

    “Yeah, the mirror just exploded.”  Joe said, as if that would make perfect sense to her.

    Kenny looked confused and started to question further, but she saw the look on Joe’s face, which seemed to tell her to not pursue that line of questioning.  She had no idea what to say to him.  “Oh… um… well… if you’re okay… I’ll go to bed.”

    “Kenny, you want a drink?”  Joe asked, moving over to the bottle on his nightstand.  He had no idea why he had asked her if she wanted one.  He wanted to be by himself, or so he thought, but the offer seemed to have just slipped out of him.

    Kenny was surprised at what Joe had asked, especially after what had just occurred downstairs and then with the mirror.  “Joe, you sure you really need any more?”

    “Fine, get out.”  Joe snapped.

    “No, wait.  I just asked a question.  I won’t ask again.”  Kenny said, as she shut the door and moved over to sit on the bed.

    Joe produced a glass for Kenny and poured her a healthy portion.  He then sat on the bed and took a long draw from the bottle.  He drank quietly and did not speak for a long while.  Then he asked her a question.  “Kendall, do you think that there are people in this world that aren’t supposed to ever get what they want?”

    “What do you mean?”

    “You know, they get close and can see it, and then poof, it’s gone.”

    “Are you talking about yourself, Joe?”

    He held her look and then blinked and turned away.  “Never mind.  It’s not important anyway.”

    “No tell me more.  What are you talking about?”  Kenny had become intrigued with what Joe had asked.  She could tell he was very drunk and was closer to talking with her than he had ever been.

    “It was all taken away, and I lost it all.  You know, God sure is getting a good laugh at me right now, cause I believed it all, Miss Kendall.  I believed it all.  I bought what he was sellin’ hook, line, and sinker.  I even bought the happily ever after crap.  But you know, I’m not buyin’ no more.  I’m not even gonna look in the window.  He can have it all!”  Joe was laughing a wild mad laugh.  “I’m not playin’!  I’ll take what he wants to do to me ‘cause I guess it’s what I so richly deserve, but he can’t make me play!”

    “Joe calm down.”  Kenny said putting her hand on his shoulder.  “I don’t understand.”

    “Ha!  That’s makes two of us.  I wonder how many others in this world don’t get it?!  I wonder when the time comes when God appears and says, surprise I was just joshin’ ya!  Here you can have it all back!”  Joe continued to drink as he spoke.

    “Are you talking about your folks?  Is that what you’re talking about?”

    “Hell Kenny, I have no idea what I am talking about.”  Joe said, his mouth up to the bottle.  “That’s the kicker, I guess.  I don’t know about so much!  I think that’s part of the problem with me.  I trusted in somethin’ I knew nothin’ about.  I believed in somethin’ that I shouldn’t have, and I got bit.  Well shame on me!”  he said giggling in a mad sort of way.

    Joe’s talk confused Kenny.  She could see he was hurting deeply and she could now understand some of the look she saw in his eyes, but what did it all mean?  What was he really talking about?  “Joe, what happened to make you feel this way?”

    Joe looked at Kenny.  The room began to spin and he felt ill.  “I gotta lie down before I pass out.”  Joe said, throwing himself down on the bed.  “You know Kenny,” Joe’s words were slurred, but he managed to say,  “Death really isn’t fair.  Not if it doesn’t take you too.”

    With those final words, Joe passed out.

    Kenny pulled off Joe’s boots and looked down at him as he slept.  He had said things that had so greatly touched her.  What was it he was talking about?  Was it his parents killed in the accident that he had told her about?  He was carrying such a weight on his shoulders it was obvious.  Kenny reached down and ran her hand through his hair.  Joe did not move.  She eventually lay down beside Joe and drifted off to sleep herself.

    Somewhere in the darkness of the night Joe moved over and reached for Kenny.  He had been dreaming of Rebecca and was lost in his love for her when he felt Kenny next to him.  He was confused at someone being in the bed with him and then his mind accepted what it wanted to accept.  He believed Rebecca was there with him.

    Kenny woke to Joe kissing her face and neck.  She moved to look at him and he began kissing her deeply on the lips.  Joe kissing her momentarily surprised Kenny, but she quickly relaxed and kissed him with great passion.  This spurned Joe on and he allowed himself to become further lost in the moment.  He seemed to be unable to get enough of her, and his kisses had a desperate quality to them.  She began to undo his shirt and then his pants as he pulled at her dress.  Neither released the embrace they held on the other as they attempted to maneuver out of their clothes.  Joe quickly moved his hands all over Kenny’s body, as it became free from its bondage of clothing.  Kenny felt his broad shoulders and shuddered as she felt his hands touching her.  Joe wanted her madly, but wanted the time to stand still and last forever.  He was torn between quickly taking her and drawing out the passion until he could no longer stand it.

    He talked softy to her as he caressed and kissed her.  “Oh God! I’ve missed you so much, my love.  I can’t believe you’re really here.  I love you so much.  I love you.  Don’t go away again.  Stay with me forever.  I need you.”

    Kenny heard what Joe was saying and was unable to answer.  He touched her in ways she had never experienced.  There had been so many men, but none like this; none that had actually made love to her.  She was caught in the passion until he entered her and she heard him say, “Oh God, Rebecca, I love you so much!”

    With that she knew it was not with her that he was making love.  There was another.  After they finished, Joe rolled away from her and was again lost to dreams.  The memory of what had occurred between them dissolved in the alcohol and morphine in his blood.  It would be to him as if it had never happened.

    Kenny woke early and looked over at a sleeping Joe.  She recalled what had occurred the previous night with mixed feelings.  She had no regret for what had occurred, but she wished he had known it was her he had made love to.  She remembered the name he had called out, Rebecca.  So it had been a matter of the heart that had brought him to Sacramento.  She wondered what the full story entailed.  She thought to herself that Rebecca was very fortunate to be loved the way Joe seemed to love her.  She wished for that love for herself.

    Kenny laid watching Joe sleep for a while before forcing herself to get out of bed.  She regretted the night ending, but knew the encounter had been unreal and part of a fantasy that could never be.  She walked over to the side of the bed, knelt down and kissed Joe softly.  He remained lost in sleep.

    Kenny grabbed her shoes and walked quietly out of Joe’s room.  As she turned to close the door she did not see Shelby come up behind her.  “So I see you seduced our young friend.”

    Kenny jumped at the voice.  “Oh, you startled me.”  She whispered as she walked away from Joe’s door.

    Shelby followed Kenny into her own room.  “So… do tell.”  Shelby prodded.

    “Tell what?  There is nothing to tell.”

    “Awe, come on sweet Kenny, you’re not gonna hold out on your partner are you?”

    “Shelby surely you’re not a cad.  There’s nothing to tell.”

    “You mean you and Joe there didn’t…”

    “Shelby, that is none of your business.”  Kenny said, turning her back on him.

    Shelby quickly grabbed her roughly by the arm and spun her back around.  “Oh, but my dear, it is all my business.  I think you are forgetting that.  Do I need to give you a not so gentle reminder?”

    “No Shelby, you don’t, and let go of me.”  She said pulling her arm back.  “Joe didn’t say anything to me about himself.  He was drunk.  He’s passed out right now.”

    “Oh, but I am sure darlin’ you put a smile on that boy’s face.”

    “Shelby, sometimes you’re a pig.”

    “Awe, but you love me.”  he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her roughly.  She could not help but think again of how gentle Joe had been.  She thought of Joe as she kissed Shelby.
 
 

    The days continued to pass and Joe kept to his same routine.  Shelby had begun to raise expenses, so Joe was finding himself out more and more money.  Joe had felt obligated to Shelby for having helped him out when he had nothing, so Joe did not complain when Shelby started to tell him that the room expense was going to be more than he had first counted on.  Shelby also presented Joe with a bill for Mr. Li’s services which Joe quickly paid.  It began gradually, but slowly Shelby was retaking all of the money Joe was winning, and before long Joe realized he had very little money left.

    Kenny kept her usual spot near Joe and found herself thinking often of the night she had spent with him.  She was saddened when Joe never mentioned it to her.  She did not allow herself to think of any kind of future with Joe, however, she knew she would not turn him down if he came to her again.  She was willing for him to have her be whomever he wished her to be.

    As the evening wore on, and became like so many others. Joe continued to hold his own at the card table, and Kenny entertained herself.  She had taken Joe’s hat off of his head and was wearing it herself.  It was a way she flirted with him, and he did not seem to mind.  Joe asked her to get him another drink, and she quickly jumped up to go to the bar.  As she waited at the bar for the bartender, she began to overhear a conversation.

    “I’m tellin’ you Shorty his hair’s all grown out and he looks a little ragged, but I’d bet you a dollar that’s Joe Cartwright.”  A man in a tan vest said to his buddy next to him.

    “You mean Ben Cartwright’s kid Joe?  Naugh that can’t be him.  What’d he be doin in Sacramento and lookin’ like a gambler like that guy does?” the man named Shorty answered.

    Kenny heard the words,  Joe and gambler.  She saw them looking in the direction of Joe as they spoke.  “Gentlemen,  I couldn’t help overhear you, and can I ask who you’re talkin’ about?”

    “Howdy ma’am.”  The cowboy in the tan vest removed his hat as Kenny spoke.  “See me and my friend here worked the Ponderosa in Nevada a little while back, and I think that young fella sitting there is the one they call Little Joe Cartwright, the owner of the Ponderosa’s youngest kid.  We were there when the kid high tailed it out of there and ran off.  Don’t know why though, his Pa’s got more money than you can shake a stick at.  I heard there’s a reward for information regarding the where abouts of that kid.”

    “You have any idea why the Cartwright kid ran off?  He wanted or something?”  Kenny asked hoping to find out Joe’s story.

    “Naugh!  A Cartwright wanted?  No, they’re respectable type people.  Ben Cartwright’s a good man.  He gave me and Shorty here an extra weeks wages for bringing a stand of timber in earlier than expected.  The Ponderosa’s a big place so you can go weeks not seein’ no one.  Never did meet Cartwright’s youngest up close, but I’d seen him in town a couple three or so times.  Let’s see, why did he run off?  Oh, yeah, I remember, he was supposed to be gettin’ married or something, and his girl got kilt.”

    Kenny looked over at Joe and his story finally made sense.  The Rebecca he had called out for that night must have been his girl.  “You say Cartwright, huh?  Where abouts in Nevada is this ranch of theirs?”  Kenny asked.

    “The Ponderosa?  It’s outside Virginia City.”

    Kenny made a quick decision.  She did not want these men to report back to the Cartwrights that Joe was there in Sacramento.  Joe had run off for a reason, and she felt she would protect him if he did not want to be found.  She was very attached to him and if she were honest with herself, she would have to admit that she did not want him to leave her. “Huh, well guys, that’s not the Cartwright kid.  That kid’s name is Johnny Tyler, and he’s a local born and bred.”

    “See I told you Snyder, that wasn’t Little Joe Cartwright.  We’d never be lucky enough to see Cartwright and be able to collect the $1000.00.”  The one named Shorty said, as Kenny walked away.

    Kenny prayed Shelby would not catch wind that Joe was from money, or he would be cooking up some scheme to fleece Joe and his family.

    The Sheriff had begun to catch wind of a possible scam being run in several of the saloons in town.  He appeared in the Cock o’ the Walk more often and started watching Joe carefully.  He had seen Joe limping and walking on crutches so he assumed Joe was unable to be otherwise employed, but he found it suspicious that the young man did nothing but play cards.  The sheriff thought he may just need to have a talk with the stranger.

    Joe was playing seven card stud and was losing, but not badly.  He had noticed his luck was episodic and he was losing more than he had when had started playing weeks ago.  He was not overly concerned about it though, primarily because nothing really concerned him much anymore.

    “Deal me out fellas.”  Joe said as the group began a new game.  Joe moved over to an empty table to take a break.  He decided to get something to eat and was waiting for his dinner when the sheriff sat down at the table with him.

    “Hello son.  Mind if we talk?”  The sheriff began.

    “Go ahead.”  Joe said, surprised the lawman wanted to talk with him.  He was cautious to speak with the sheriff, because he had some idea that his father was probably out looking for him, and he hoped this did not have anything to do with it.

    “I noticed you seemed to have taken up residence in this saloon.  You make your living gambling.”

    “No, but since I messed up my leg there’s not a whole lot I can do right now.  I’m just waiting for it to heal then I’ll be back working cattle and horses.”

    “Where’d you say you’re from kid?”

    “I didn’t.” Joe said, beginning to get nervous.

    “There a reason you don’t want to tell me?”

    “No.  Am I in some kind of trouble?”

    “I don’t know.  Why don’t you tell me kid?  Is there some reason I should be keepin’ my eye on you?”

    “No.  I don’t think I’ve done anything you’d need to know about.”

    “What’s your name kid?”

    “Joe.”

    “Joe what?”

    “Joe DesVries.”  Joe said, thinking quickly of his mother’s maiden name.

    “Okay DesVries, where you from?” the sheriff continued.

    “New Orleans.”

    “You don’t sound like you’re from the South.”

    “Haven’t been there in a while.”

    “Oh, where have you been working?”

    “Look, am I in trouble or somethin’?”  Joe was very uncomfortable with the questions being asked.

    “No, not yet.  I just had been meanin’ to talk to you for a while.  I want to tell you I run a clean town, and I expect you to keep your nose clean.”

    “Sheriff, I am mindin’ my own business and haven’t done anythin’ wrong.”

    “See you keep it that way kid.  I’m keepin’ my eye on you.”  The sheriff ended the conversation and walked away.

    Joe sat watching the man’s back and shaking his head.  “Now I wonder what that was all about?”  he said aloud.
     Shelby did not miss the conversation between Joe and the Sheriff.  Shelby had noticed the Sheriff’s keen eye, and knew he would have to give up the kid to the law soon in order to remove the suspicion from himself.  He thought this would actually serve two purposes.  One, it would get the law off of him, and two it would get the kid away from Kenny.  Shelby had grown to loath the kid because of the way Kenny looked at the young man.  He had told Kenny to seduce the kid, but he had not meant for anymore than that between them.  He could see the kid was not interested in Kenny, but Kenny was definitely interested in the kid.

    Kenny had seen Shelby watching Joe and the sheriff and she did not like the look on Shelby’s face.  She walked over and spoke to him, “Shelby, what are you gonna do?”

    “Who me?  What makes you think that I’m gonna do something?”

    “I’ve seen that look before on your face.  You’re gonna give up the kid, aren’t you?”

    “Kenny, my dear you knew you couldn’t keep him as your own little play thing didn’t you?  You’ve known from the beginning that if the law gets close, the kid gets burned.  Well I’m just waitin’ right now to see if that Sheriff is gonna pursue anything.  If he does, then I give him the kid.  If he doesn’t you can keep him a little longer.  But Kenny darlin’ don’t go gettin’ too attached.  You know he’d never settle on you.  After all why should he?  He’s gotten what you got to give already.”

    Kenny glared at Shelby and realized she despised him at that moment.  She then looked at Joe who sat at a table quietly drinking himself into oblivion.  “This has gone too far.  Nothing good can come of this.”  Kenny thought.  “Joe’s not gonna be safe as long as he’s in Shelby’s grasp.  I gotta help him.”

     “Shelby, there is a place in hell for people like you.”  Kenny said as she walked away from him and went upstairs.  She knew what she had to do.

    Hoss had eventually returned to the Ponderosa after his search proved fruitless.  When he appeared, Ben and Adam noticed how tired and ragged He looked.  He had dropped weight and Ben wondered when the last time it had been that Hoss had eaten.  Hoss took one look at his brother and father and wanted to cry.  He felt so hopeless.

    “Pa, I’m sorry.  I couldn’t find him anywhere.”

    “Hoss, you don’t have to apologize.  I know you tried.”  Ben tried to comfort Hoss.

    “But Pa, I know Joe needs us.  I just know it.  I can’t get this feelin’ out a my head that Joe is all alone.  He’s just a kid, and he’s out there with all sorts of troubles.”

    “Hoss, we’ve gotta believe we’re gonna see him again.  We’ve just gotta believe it.”  Adam said, placing his arm around Hoss and leading him to the couch.  “Hoss, you did your best.”

    The Cartwrights went through the motions of their day.  Each had their own specialty within the running of the ranch and each plunged into their jobs.  The Ponderosa ran with efficiency, but the love for the land was missing.  The love for the land developed out of the love that existed within the Cartwright family.  They had all believed that they were doing it for each other, but now they wondered why they bothered.  A Cartwright was missing, and they could not fool themselves into thinking differently.

    Ben was sitting in his youngest son’s room when Adam appeared in the doorway.  “Pa, there’s a letter for you here from Sacramento.”

    “Oh, well leave it downstairs, and I’ll look at it later.”

    “Pa, sitting in here isn’t helping you.  Joe isn’t in this room anymore.  Come on down with me, and we’ll look at the books together and get some work down.”

    “Adam, I have lost him. .  He’s gone.  My Joseph’s gone.”

    “Pa, you can’t believe Joe’s gone forever.”

    “Adam. let’s face it.  Joe could be anywhere, if he’s even still alive.  You know he would be easy pickings if he’s out of his head.”

    “Pa, stop it!  You cannot even think that!  Don’t you think some how we’d know if we had lost Joe for good?  You gotta stop this!”

    Adam’s words caught Ben’s attention.  “I’m sorry son.  I get so afraid some times.”

    “I know Pa, we all do.  Look come downstairs and lets get some work done.  We gotta keep this place running.”

    “You’re right Adam.”

    Adam and Ben made it downstairs, and Ben began working on the running of the Ponderosa.  Adam again asked him if he wanted to read the letter that had arrived from Sacramento.  Ben took the letter and opened it to see handwriting in the neat cursive of a woman’s script.

Dear Cartwright Family,
I am writing you uncertain if you are indeed the people who can help me.  I have befriended a young man named Joe who has been quite secretive of his past, so I am uncertain if you folks are indeed his family.  There were some former hands of your ranch in the saloon where I work who seemed to recognize my friend Joe, as your family member, Little Joe.  I hate to bring you such bad news, but if this young man is indeed your Little Joe, he is in very bad trouble and needs you desperately.  I will describe him for you to see if he fits your son’s description.  The Joe I have come to know, told the sheriff his last name was DesVries and he was from New Orleans.  He told me he is seventeen, and he stands about five foot ten and is on the thin side.  He has dark curly hair and green eyes.  He has injured himself, perhaps while he was still at home, and he walks with a limp.  The injury is to his right leg.

If this sounds like your family member, please come quickly.  Joe is in deep trouble that I wish not to go into in this letter.  You can find me at the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon in Sacramento.  I look forward to some type of recognition of this letter.  If you are not part of this boy’s family, please let me know, so I can find another way to help him.  If you are, please come quickly.  He needs you.

Sincerely,
Kendall Mac Masters

    Ben read the letter twice and then exclaimed.  “We’ve found him! Adam, we’ve found him!”  Ben began to dance around his desk.

    “What is it, Pa?”  Adam asked, confused at the sudden emotional change in his father.

    “It’s Joseph!  It has to be Joseph!  He’s using his mother’s maiden name.  It has to be him.  Saddle my horse I’m leaving at once!”  Ben ordered.

    “Pa, what are you talking about?”  Adam asked.

    “Here, read it son!  Read it!”

    Hoss walked into the house as Ben was rejoicing over the news of his youngest being located.  “What’s goin’ on?”  Hoss asked.

    “It’s Joseph!  There’s someone who’s found him!  Boys, Joseph’s alive!”

    Adam read the letter and passed it off to Hoss.  He then pointed out to his father, “Pa, from the description it has to be Joe, but the woman says he’s in trouble.”

    This brought a sobering effect to Ben.  “Yes, I read that as well, but I have to believe I can get to Joe and help him.  We know where he is, and that’s much more than we knew.  I’m gonna go and get him and bring him home.”

    Hoss had finished reading the letter and spoke,  “Pa, we’ll go with you.”

    Ben thought on this a minute, and then said,  “No boys.  I have to go get him alone.  He’s gonna be skittish as it is, and I don’t want him to bolt.  You two stay here and keep things going.  If I need you, I won’t hesitate to wire you.  Please wire this woman in Sacramento right away.  Tell her I’m on my way, and tell her NOT to tell Joseph.  Oh, and I think you’d better round up Cochise.  I’m sure Joe will want her when he gets home.”  Ben said, his enthusiasm not hidden from his boys.

    “Pa, you may need us.”  Adam said.

    “Adam, I will get through to Joseph.  I will bring him home.  He is my son, and I will bring him to you, I promise.  I was there when he was born.  I have been there through all of the scraped knees and boyhood troubles.  I’ll get him through this as well.  Our Little Joe’ll be back, because I’ll bring him back.  I can’t have anything less.  Joseph will come home with me and come back to you two.  We love him.  He knows it, and that’s all I’ll listen to.  Now, I’ve got a trip to take!” Ben said pushing through his sons and almost running up the stairs to pack a bag.

    Kenny waited anxiously for an answer to her letter.  She was unsure how Joe would react if he knew about what she had done, but she felt she could not risk letting Shelby do what he had in mind for the young man.  Shelby was closing in on Joe; she sensed it.  She was quite certain Shelby had become jealous of her attraction to Joe, not that Joe had noticed any of it, and wanted to harm Joe.  She also knew that the plan would be to set Joe up to go to jail or worse.  She put nothing past Shelby.

    Kenny was also worried about Joe because of Joe’s behavior.  She had seen him becoming more and more apathetic and seemed destined to keep himself numb.  She saw Joe taking more and more of the morphine, although his leg seemed to be getting better.  Kenny knew very little about the over use of morphine, but what she did know was it was bad news.  She had seen men who had become very ill without the medication after they had used it for a while.  She feared Joe was getting to that place, and Kenny was unable to feel as if she could stop him.

    Kenny had fought the urge to tell Joe she knew about his fiancee since she had found out about the accident from the ranch hands.  She could tell Joe could go indefinitely without telling her what was hurting him so bad.  She was unsure if she should even try to say anything to him, because she did not want to anger him.  Joe and Kenny had settled into a friendship that she valued.  She knew it meant much more to her than to him, but she did not want to lose it.  She was at a loss as to how to help Joe.

    The saloon was quiet, so Kenny decided to check the telegraph office.  She was greeted with a telegram from Virginia City, Nevada.  She closed her eyes unsure of what she wanted the answer to the telegram to be.  If the people she wrote were not Joe’s family, then he would be staying, and she would have him with her a while longer.  If they were his family then he would have the help he needed.  Kenny knew what was best for Joe and hoped she could stand it herself.

    She opened the telegram and read:

MISS MAC MASTERS (STOP)
THE INDIVIDUAL DESCRIBED IS OUR JOE (STOP) BEN CARTWRIGHT, JOE’S FATHER, IS ON HIS WAY TO SACRAMENTO (STOP) SHOULD ARRIVE THURSDAY (STOP)DO NOT TELL JOE OF FATHER’S ARRIVAL (STOP)  JOE NEEDS TO BE DETAINED WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE (STOP)  I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH (STOP)  DO NOT TELL JOE (STOP).

ADAM CARTWRIGHT (STOP)

     Kendall felt sad but relieved. It was Tuesday, so she had only two days to spend with Joe before his father arrived.  She walked slowly back to the saloon as she thought of how she wished her life would be.

    Joe was sitting in the saloon eating when Kenny returned.  She walked over to him and sat down, being careful to stuff the telegram in her cleavage.  She greeted Joe with a smile, “Hey sleepy head.  You’re up finally.”

    “Oh yeah, I guess.”  Joe said, and it was obvious that he was still half asleep, either that or heavily medicated.

    “Hey Joe.  Why don’t we get out of here and go for a ride or something?”

    Joe looked at her as he tried to come up with a reason to not go outside with her.  He was not feeling social.  “No, I don’t feel like it.  I gotta headache.”

    Kenny thought,  “I bet you do Joe, seein’ as how much you drank last night.”  She said instead,  “Joe, please.  I gotta get out of here, and I think you could use the fresh air.  You look as pale as a ghost.”

    “Kenny, I really don’t want to.”

    “Come on.  I can’t go by myself, and I really want to get out of here.”

    Joe was getting the feeling that Kenny was not going to take no for an answer, and he was not wanting to have a battle with her, so he acquiesced.  The two rented a carriage and Joe drove them out of town and pulled the horse up by the Sacramento River.  He got down and limped over to Kenny.  She had already gotten out of the carriage, and they walked over to the riverbank.

    “It’s nice here.”  Kenny commented.

    “Uh huh,”  was all Joe said.

    “Well you certainly are talkative.  The whole ride out here I think you may have said uh huh twice and grunted a few times.”

    “You didn’t tell me I’d have to talk too.”  Joe said, walking away from her and sitting on a rock by the water.

    “I guess I just assumed that talking would be something that was a normal part of the outing.  Sorry I assumed so much.”  Kenny said, her irritation growing.

    Joe did not respond to her and sat tossing pebbles into the water.  He was thinking of another time he had been out for a ride with a beautiful woman and ended up in a meadow.

    Kenny decided she had one last time to talk to Joe before his father arrived.  “Joe, can I ask you a question?”

    “Uh huh.”

    “Joe, who’s Rebecca?”

    Joe heard Rebecca’s name and was thrown off guard.  He closed his eyes and longed to be away from Kenny.  He opened his eyes and looked at her for a long second before speaking.  “How do you know that name?”

    Kenny felt very sad as she asked him, “You said it out loud once.  You don’t remember?”

    “No, I don’t.”

    “Well, it seemed she was someone really important to you.  Who was she Joe?”  Kenny decided to risk it and ask him the questions she wanted to hear him answer.

    Joe looked at her trying to decide if he would answer her truthfully or tell her to mind her own business.  He was unsure if he could actually tell her.  He looked towards the river and said very quietly,  “She is… she was… she was about the… um, most important person in my life.”

    “What happened Joe?”

    “She… she…” Joe started to answer and stopped.  He looked towards the sky and closed his eyes again.  He shook his head as he saw Rebecca’s face in his minds eye and then looked back at Kenny.  “She died in uh… um, accident.”

    “The accident you said your folks died in?”

    “I wasn’t real truthful with that one.  Um… my ma’s been dead since I was five.  My Pa’s still alive.”

    “Oh,” Kenny said, feeling guilty as she felt the telegram up against her skin.  “Joe is that why you came to Sacramento?”

    “Well, I wasn’t actually planning on Sacramento, and I would have taken off if I hadn’t gotten robbed, but it’s why I left home.”

    “Don’t you think your family misses you?  I bet they want you to go home.”

    With the mention of his family, Joe again thought of his father and brothers.  He did miss them and knew they were probably very upset with him.  “I’m sure that’s what they want, but I can’t go home Kendall.  I don’t think I can ever go back there.  She’s… she’s everywhere I look.  You don’t understand…  I don’t even understand it.  My family are some of the best people in the world, but they can’t fix this one.  They can’t bring her back, and that’s all I want.”

    “I’d kill for a family like yours.”  Kendall wanted to try and make it easier for Joe to accept his father coming to get him.  She wanted him to realize he was not alone in his pain.  “I think you’re wrong that they can’t help you.  I think you need them.  I know you’re not finding the answers you are looking for with the whiskey and the morphine.  You’re just getting more lost.”

    “Maybe lost is where I want to be.  Maybe if I get so lost, then it’ll stop.  Maybe I’ll get so lost I won’t care about anything, and then I can just end it.”  Joe was not looking at her as he spoke.

    “You mean die?”

    “Yeah, I mean die.  I couldn’t even kill myself.  I tried it, you know.  I sat in the barn back home and held that gun to my head, and I couldn’t do it.”  Joe shook his head.  “I really wanted to be dead.  I still do, to be honest, but something stopped me.  It was my family.  I thought about them and couldn’t do it.  Now if they get far enough away, maybe I can.”

    Joe’s words scared Kenny.  She was immediately relieved that Joe’s father was on his way.  She had no idea he was so desperate.  “You really want to die?”

    “More than you’ll ever know, Kendall.  More than you’ll ever know.”

    “Do you think that is what Rebecca would want?”  Kenny said aloud and thought,  “If you were mine, I would never want that for you.”

    Joe turned and looked at her, his tone of voice getting harsher.  “You know I don’t get the privilege of knowing what Rebecca wants ever again.”

    “I can’t believe someone who loved you as much as you say she did would want you dead.  I don’t believe that Joe, and if you were honest, you’d have to admit that she would not want you dead.  If it had been you who had died, would you want her to kill herself?”

    Kenny’s words were hitting Joe hard.  He wanted her to shut up and leave him alone.  “Kenny, this discussion’s over.”  Joe said, as he stood up and limped farther away from her.

    “Why are you walking away, Joe?  You know I’m right?”  Kenny wanted to get through to him.  His revelation about wanting to die had made her fearful, and she wanted to stop him from thinking as he was.  She walked after him.

    “Kenny, I’d advise you to leave me alone right now.”  Joe said in a cold manner.

    “Why Joe?  So you can keep feeling sorry for yourself?  Well, guess what kiddo, people die all the time, and people leave you!  You can either roll over and die like you’ve decided to do, or you can fight back!  You can hold on tight and love every minute you get with someone!  Joe, you’re such a child!”

    “Kenny, you say one more word, and I’m not gonna be responsible for what I do!  Now leave me alone!”

    “Joe, I can walk a lot faster than you can move, and you don’t scare me one bit.  Now stop being such a child and sit down and talk to me.”  Kenny said, grabbing Joe’s arm and turning him around to look at her.

    “Kenny, I told you the conversation is over and I meant it.  I owe you nothing!  I want to be alone!  I don’t want you in my life.  I didn’t ask for it.  All I want is to be left the hell alone!  Is that so hard for you to understand?”  Joe was furious and was not thinking about what he was saying.  He was feeling cornered by Kenny and wanted her to back off.  “What do you know anyway?  You’re some saloon girl who gets paid to take men upstairs.”
    Kenny pulled back her hand and slapped Joe across the face.  It caught Joe off guard, and he stood there with a shocked look on his face.  Kenny began to cry as she spoke,  “Listen here.  You may think what you’d like about me.  Believe me, there is nothing you can think about me, I have not thought about myself.  But you need to realize one thing, Joe.  I may make money being with men, and that may make me dirty to you, but at least I’m honest with you; more honest than you are with yourself.  I happen to think those are the types of qualities that are important.  So you just go on and drown yourself in booze and drink so much of that morphine you choke on it.  That’s what you deserve.”  With that Kenny turned and walked back towards the carriage.

    Joe immediately felt bad about what he had said to Kenny.  He had not meant to be so hateful.  He knew he had said something that was terribly cruel.  He wanted to go after her, but he believed keeping her away from him was what he had to do to protect himself.  What she had said to him had been true.  He knew that, but it was also the words he had been avoiding for so long.  He remained standing looking out at the river wishing he was on it, floating away.

    Kenny walked to the carriage and lifted herself into it and sat down.  She was hurt by what Joe had said to her and wished things had been different.  She wished she had been the love of Joe’s life, and he was there with her forever.  She sat looking at him as he stared at the river.  She watched him reach into his pocket and pull out the bottle of morphine.  She saw him look at it, and he seemed to be contemplating something.  She hoped he would throw the bottle in the river, but she watched him take a drink instead.

    Thursday quickly approached and Kenny found herself trying to keep her mind off of Joe’s father’s arrival.  She and Joe had returned from the river without speaking to one another, but eventually the silence was broken and Joe apologized for what he had said.  Kenny spent as much time with Joe as she could and found herself watching the saloon door in anticipation of Mr. Cartwright’s appearance.

    Thursday evening found the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon loud and boisterous.  Ben had ridden Buck hard to Sacramento and was feeling the fatigue of days on the trail and too little sleep.  He had spent much of that day attempting to plan how he would get Joseph to come home willingly.  Ben did not want to have to drag Joe back to the Ponderosa, but he knew he would, if that was what it took to have his son home safe and sound.

    Ben dismounted and tied Buck to the hitching post.  He walked quickly into the saloon and his eyes scanned the room.  He heard a voice he knew so well and turned towards it.  His eyes landed on a sight he could not believe he was seeing.  In the corner of the saloon he saw a card game in progress.  There were four men sitting playing cards and one of them belonged to the voice Ben recognized.  Sitting at the table was Joe, but he did not look like his son.  Ben was taken aback at his son’s appearance.

    Joe sat slouched in his chair.  His hair was quite long and he had not shaved in several days.  He was dressed in black, and he had a cigarette in his mouth.  Joe looked pale and thin.  Sitting on the right arm of his chair was a saloon girl.  She had her arm around Joe’s shoulders and she was absentmindedly played with his hair.

    Ben was in shock.  He knew it was his son he was looking at, but he could not believe it.  He took a seat back out of the way, so that Joe could not see him.  He sat and watched his son while he tried to think of the best way to handle the situation.

    Joe was playing seven card stud and was losing quite heavily.  He was not paying close attention to the game, and his playing showed it.  He was also not being dealt cards that would produce a winning hand.  Kenny was watching him play as she usually did and saw that Joe was having a bad night.  She knew that the poor night at the poker table was compliments of Shelby, and she glared at him when he looked at her.

    “Looks like this is not my night.”  Joe said to no one in particular as he threw down his cards.  “Hey Kendall, could ya get me a drink?”

    Kenny was quickly up and to the bar.  Ben had heard Joe say the woman’s name and he realized that this was the woman who had written him.  After seeing his son, he knew she had not written too soon.  Ben continued his watch.  He had started to notice something interesting about the card game being played.  He was unsure, but it looked to him as if the current dealer was dealing every so often from the bottom of the deck.  The dealer was very quick, and it was hard to follow all of his movements, but once in a while Ben would see it.  But what did not make immediate sense to him was that the man who currently functioned as the dealer had not given himself the winning hand.  It had gone to Joseph.  Ben heard Joe pick up the pot with a pair of Kings.  Ben had a bad feeling regarding the card game his son was involved in.

    The evening wore on and Ben watched Joe drink and gamble.  Ben was at a loss to know what he should do.  He felt perhaps he needed to speak with the woman before he approached Joseph.  He was also not wanting to have a scene in the saloon with his son.  Ben was not fooling himself.  He knew Joe was going to resist.  He did not want to have Joe drunk while he resisted.  Ben made a difficult decision.  As hard as it was to let Joe be lost for one more minute, he would wait for morning to approach his son and take him home.  He felt maybe that gave him the best chance at reasoning with him.

    Joe had drank the drink Kenny had given him, as well as many others.  He was tired and dizzy and ready to call it a night.  “Well gentlemen, I shall leave you to the game.  I’m pretty much tapped out, and I guess I must wait for another night to get my money back from you vultures.”  Joe said and stood to leave.

    Kenny was promptly there with Joe and he leaned on her for balance.  Ben noticed his son’s limp and wanted to rush over to him.  It took everything he had to remain seated.  Ben sat and watched as his son put his arm around Kendall and ascended the stairs to the second floor.

    Kenny helped Joe to his room as she had grown accustomed to doing when Joe had drank too much and was off balance.  She walked him into the room, and Joe quickly plopped onto the bed.  He was just about asleep by the time his head hit the pillow and passed out as Kenny took off his boots.  She picked up a blanket off of the floor and covered Joe and then left the room.

    Kendall made her way to her own room and went inside.  She had been surprised that Joe’s father had yet to appear.  She had felt anxious all day as she waited for his arrival.  She undressed herself and put on her most expensive negligee.  Whenever she felt sad or down she found wearing something expensive lifted her spirits.  She had also found it was not working this time.

    The night passed slowly as Kenny tried to sleep.  She tossed and turned and eventually admitted to herself that she was not going to be able to sleep for a while.  She began to want to go down the hall to Joe, but she hesitated.  She knew in her head it would not be right.  She told herself she needed to let him go, but she was having a difficult time.  Finally she gave into her heart and walked down the hall.

    The room was quiet as she entered.  She could hear him breathing as she moved over to the bed and sat down.  He did not move.  She reach up and ran her hand over his face and resisted the urge to kiss him.  She had a momentary surge of guilt at being there, but she quieted it within her and laid down next to him.  Kenny laid looking at Joe and wanting him to reach out to her.  She wondered what he would do if he knew it was her that was there with him.  She did not think she could bear it if he rejected her.

    Kenny moved Joe’s arm so that she was resting on his shoulder.  She listened to him breathe and found herself beginning to cry.  She knew she was going to have to say good bye to him, and she did not want to do it.  She had found that his arrival in Sacramento had changed her.  She no longer could use people the way she had grown so used to doing.  She had forgotten there were innocents in the world that did not deserve to have the pain she and Shelby had doled out thoughtlessly.  He had reminded her of this.  She had found her compassion again.  She had found her heart again.

    She thought it sad that Joe was oblivious to how he had helped her with his story, and she wondered if he would ever know.  It was something she hoped she could tell him some day.  She just prayed he would not hate her when he found out how he had been used by Shelby and by herself.

    Kenny eventually fell off to sleep herself.  Again it happened as it had the previous time Joe had reached for her.  Joe was with Rebecca in his mind and Kenny was with Joe.  As he made love to her she allowed herself to believe he loved her, and she showed him how much she had grown to love him.  Joe’s words of love for Rebecca, Kenny told herself, were actually meant for her.  His caresses that he believed were for Rebecca, Kenny convinced herself, was actually his desire for her.  His passion was for Rebecca, but Kenny allowed herself for the time he made love to her body, to believe he was in love with her.  For the time he was with her, she was in Heaven.

    Ben Cartwright had spent a sleepless night thinking and rethinking how he would handle Joe.  He had no solid plan when the sun rose and he lifted himself from the chair he had sat in the entire night.  Ben had gotten a room in a hotel across the street from the Cock o’ the Walk.  His bed had remained undisturbed as he had taken a chair at the window and stared across the street at the saloon.  He could not get the image of Joe sitting at the poker table out of his head,  He could not have dreamed of a worse picture to see than how Joseph had looked to him.  He prayed Joseph’s mental state was better than his physical one.

    Ben had waited just as long as he could stand before he walked over to the saloon.  He walked up to a very tired looking bartender and asked,  “I’m looking for someone, maybe you can help me.  There was a young man in here last night who was playing cards at that table there.  He went upstairs at the end of the evening.  Can you by chance tell me where I can find him?”

    “Depends.  What you want him for?”

    “Um, well, he’s uh, he’s my son.”

    “You’re Joe’s Pa?  Oh well then, he’s upstairs first door on the right.”

    “Oh, and I am looking for a young woman named Kendall Mac Masters.  Can you tell me where I can find her as well?”

    “Kenny?  Oh she’s just the next door down.  Same side.”

    “Thank you.”  Ben said, trying to hold back from running up the stairs.

    Shelby had overheard the man’s questions to his bartender.  He thought to himself,  “So ol’ Joe’s Pa’s in town, eh?  This could get very interesting.”

    Shelby quietly followed Ben up the stairs and remained in the shadows as Ben knocked on the door.

    Kenny was awakened by the knock at the door.  She quickly threw on her negligee and grabbed her robe.  Joe did not move.  She quietly answered the door.  “Yes?”  she whispered.

    Ben was surprised that a woman had opened the door.  He was embarrassed.  “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I had my son’s room.  Forgive me.”

    “Mr. Cartwright?”  Kenny asked sheepishly.

    “Yes, and you must be Kendall.”

    “Yes I am.  Let me put some uh clothes on, and I’ll meet you downstairs.  I’d like to talk to you before you talk to Joe.  There are a couple of things you need to know.”

    “Certainly, but where’s my son?”

    It was Kenny’s turn to be embarrassed.  “Um, he’s here… uh he’s asleep still.”

    Ben had no idea what to say.  Was she telling him Joe was in the room with her?  “Oh good Lord give me strength.”  Ben thought.  He said,  “I’ll meet you downstairs.”

    “Yes of course.”

    Ben looked at the doorway just in time to see Kenny turn away from the door.  That allowed Ben to catch sight of his son.  Joe was sprawled out on the bed, the blankets wrapped around his waist.  The scenario Ben had walked into was getting worse by the moment.

    Ben waited downstairs in the Saloon for Kendall to arrive.  Meanwhile, upstairs Shelby was having a few words with Kenny in the hallway before she went downstairs.

    “Kendall,  Looks like the kid’s Pa is here to fetch him home.  You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”

    “How would I know about that?”

    “Kenny don’t act stupid.  The man knew your name.  You contacted him didn’t you?”

    “So what if I did Shelby?”

    “Big mistake my dear, huge.  I’m not letting that kid go without some money comin’ my way.  I got something on him now.”

    “What do you mean Shelby?  You’re lying.”

    “Oh no, dear.  I’d never lie about something so serious as money.”

    “What do you have Shelby?”

    “One of the players in last night’s game is willing to go to the sheriff and say how your playmate in there had set the card game up.  Everyone saw them all playing together last night.  And, I got another willing to say he witnessed Joe setting up the con.  Your lover is gonna get some time in jail unless I get some money to compensate me for my troubles.”

    “How much you want Shelby?”

    “Oh, not too sure Kenny.  What’s he worth to you?”

    “Stop playing games and give me a price.”

    “Thousand dollars.  That’s my price.”

    Kenny looked at Shelby with contempt.  She knew she had worked with him for the last time.  She was going to be leaving Shelby and Sacramento just as soon as she could.  “Done Shelby.  I’ll get you a thousand dollars, and you let the kid go.”

    “Maybe I should ask for more Kenny?”

    “No, a thousand is what you said, and it is what you’ll get.  Now I gotta talk to Joe’s Pa.”

    “By all means!”  Shelby said, bowing to Kenny as she passed.

    Kenny descended the stairs and joined Ben at the table.  Ben was the first to speak,  “Um,  I’d like to thank you young lady for contacting me about my son.”

    “Oh you’re welcome.  You’ve got a real nice boy, Mr. Cartwright.”

    “How is he?”  Ben asked, unable to hide his concern from Kenny.

    “Um… well lets see.”  Kenny was at a loss to explain Joe’s situation to his father.

    “I saw him last night.  I was here when he was playing poker.”  Ben tried to help Kenny out by letting her know he knew Joe was in bad shape.

    “Uh, Mr. Cartwright, I don’t know how Joe was before he came to Sacramento, but I know that since he’s been here he’s had some difficulties.”

    Ben braced himself against what he was afraid he would hear.  “Has he been, uh… well let me just tell you a little bit about what my son has been through.”  Ben went on to tell Kenny about Joe and Rebecca, and Rebecca’s death.  He also told her of the difficulties Joe had experienced since Rebecca had died.

    “Has he been out of his head at all?”  Ben finally asked.

    “No not like you described,  Mr. Cartwright.  He had a problem the first night he was here, and he was beaten pretty badly and was robbed.  He was kicked several times in his leg, and it has caused him a great deal of pain.  He’s been trying to cope with that I think, and of course his fiancee’s death.  He’s uh been having a very hard time of it, I’d say.”

    “Kendall, how much is he drinking?  I saw him last night, and I know he was drinking before he left home.”

    “Well to be truthful, he’s drinking a lot.  And uh,  Mr. Cartwright that’s not the worst of Joe’s problems.”  Kenny said as she pulled out a small medicine bottle of clear liquid.  “This is as bad or worse than the alcohol, and I’m afraid Joe has been using a lot of it on a regular basis.”

    Ben was uncertain what she was saying.  “What is that?”

    “Morphine.”

    “Morphine?!  You’re telling me my Joseph has been taking that… that… that stuff!?”  Ben’s face had a look of sheer shock on it.

    Kenny sat and said nothing.

    “Oh God no, Joseph!  No son!”  Ben put his head in his hands.  “My boy.”  he said quietly.

    Kenny sat with tears in her eyes.  She hated to have to tell this man about his son.  She could see how much he loved Joe.  They sat in silence as Ben tried to gather himself together.

    “Mr. Cartwright, I am so sorry to tell you all of this.  I know it is a shock.  I’m just very relieved you’re here.  I know you can help your son.”

    “I pray I can.”

    “According to Joe, his family has a pretty strong influence on him.  You folks have kept him alive whether you know it or not.”

    “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”  Ben said, a bit confused.

    “Joe told me something that I know he would be extremely upset with me if he knew I told you, but I feel you have to know for his sake.  Mr. Cartwright, Joe told me he had sat in the barn at home and held a gun up to his head to kill himself.  He said the reason he didn’t do it was because of his family.  I think you need to know the influence you have.”

    “Oh dear God!  I had no idea he had done that!”  The revelations of how bad it was with Joe was almost more than Ben could stand.  He had prepared himself for problems, but the ones he heard were so much bigger than he was ready to conquer.  Yet, he knew he had no choice.  He was going to have to save his son.

    “Kendall, I need to see my son.”

    “Yes Mr. Cartwright.  I’ll take you to him.”  With that Kenny lead Joe’s father to his son.