Part One

Disclaimer:  I do not own the Cartwright characters but they do linger in my mind, readily available whenever I choose to imagine.   My thanks to David Dortort for creating the Cartwright family.  I do claim MaryAnn Archer as she is described in this story.  She is my invention and she is worthy of my need to keep her safe.

Grinning happily, Adam galloped home from school and dismounted from his horse in front of the barn.  It had rained all the way home and he was drenched.  He barely noticed.  He had ridden home at a faster pace than Pa would consider safe for such sloppy weather but Adam needed to stay far ahead of Hoss.  He didn’t want to put up with any probing questions from his middle brother.  Adam Cartwright, barely 17 years old, had a couple of pleasant thoughts chasing each other around in his mind and he didn’t want those thoughts to be interrupted.

He quickly glanced toward the house and then around the yard area but saw neither his Pa nor Little Joe, his youngest brother.  So far, so good.   His mouth kept twitching itself into a grin and he kept trying to poker it up as he entered the barn to bed down his horse.  He didn’t want any of his family noticing how happy he was.  Oh, they would think it was great that he was happy all right, but Adam didn’t want to talk to anybody right now.  And he didn’t want Pa asking him any questions either.

After so many years of hardship, things were finally starting to ease a little for Adam.  He had not had an easy childhood.   He had never known his own mother as she had died within hours of giving birth to him.  From the time he was young enough to notice, he hungered for a mother and almost instantly found himself loving the woman who would become his father’s second wife and mother to his brother, Hoss.  Inger loved Adam as if he were her own son, but soon she too was torn from his young life when she was killed by Indians.  Adam then made a vow to himself that he would never again have need for another mother.

Adam hardened his young heart when Pa had unexpectedly married Marie and brought her home to meet his two young sons.   But, after Little Joe was born, Adam found himself not only loving his newest brother but also letting his guard down enough for Little Joe’s mother to creep into his heart.

But life is uncertain and Marie was killed when she took a fall from her horse.  After Marie died, Ben sank into a state of depression so overwhelming that he seemed to no longer care about what happened to himself, his sons, or his ranch.   Still only a child himself, Adam assumed the nearly impossible task of filling in for his Pa.

Only Adam’s caring nature and his stubborn unwillingness to quit kept his family and the ranch together.  This was a bewildering time for Adam because he never knew from one day to the next when, or even if, his father would start noticing that his children needed him.  Out of necessity and out of love, Adam became a substitute father for both of his two younger brothers.

Someday, a more mature Adam Cartwright would look back on this dark period in his life and he would come to understand just how much a friend's observation of Adam's reaction to the events of this sad and confusing time would forever change the direction of his life.  But that knowledge would come far in his future.

Ben had gradually come out of his depression and now was once again strong and in control of his own and of each of his son’s lives.

Some of the hardships in Adam’s life had eased, but now new problems kept cropping up.  One moment, he was grateful that his father was once again well and in command and Adam could now go back to a more normal and a less worrisome adolescence.  The next moment, Adam resented Ben for not treating him like the adult that Adam sometimes liked to think he was.

It was Adam’s opinion that he was perfectly capable of making his own decisions for himself.  With Adam barely 17 years old, Ben didn’t see it that way.  Ben deeply loved all three of his sons and he was determined to raise them in the manner that he perceived would set them on the path to becoming the adults he would always be proud of.  Although Ben Cartwright was a kind man capable of great tenderness, he also possessed a formidable presence of mind about him that all three of his sons had learned at a young age to respect.

As Adam now headed into the barn to stable his horse, he was glad to see that neither his father nor Little Joe was in the barn.  He concluded that they both must be in the house.  Today was one of those days that Adam didn’t want to talk to anyone that he didn’t have to and he certainly wasn’t in the mood for responsibilities either.  He just wanted to be by himself so he could think about MaryAnn.

There wasn’t much chance that was going to happen.  Before Adam could even begin to rub down his horse after stripping off the saddle, Hoss walked into the barn.

Hoss was put out because Adam hadn’t waited up for him on the ride home from school.  Hoss felt like he had ridden home all alone, which was exactly the case.  He had been kept after school for about half an hour because he couldn’t get two arithmetic problems done correctly and had to stay late in order to do them over.

By the time Hoss finally got the arithmetic problems done correctly, he figured that Adam would be long gone even though Adam was supposed to wait for him.  As Hoss exited the school house, he glanced up and was surprised to see Adam leaning against the short wall of the shelter the school maintained for the out-of-town students to stable their horses.  What surprised Hoss even more was that Adam was standing very close to MaryAnn Archer.  They were talking quietly and they both jumped a little when they spotted Hoss coming toward them.

After saying a quick goodbye to MaryAnn, Adam never even glanced at Hoss as he jumped on his already-saddled horse and took off without even waiting for Hoss to saddle up.  That seemed pretty damned rude to Hoss but he held his anger in check long enough to say a friendly goodbye to MaryAnn.

Hoss had always thought that MaryAnn was nice.  She was a year younger than Adam.  Some of the kids in school were unkind to Hoss and teased him about his large size, but MaryAnn had never done that.  Ever since MaryAnn had come along into their lives, she had always been as nice to him as she was to Adam.

Actually, MaryAnn hadn’t just “come along” into their lives recently.  In fact, Hoss could hardly remember ever not knowing her.  Her father, Jim Archer, had a sizeable ranch adjacent to one of the boundaries of the Ponderosa.  He and his two daughters lived in a large and comfortable house there.  Mr. Archer was a tall, well-built man with a pleasing laugh and a calm, forthright demeanor.

Hoss didn’t know why MaryAnn didn’t have a ma around but he didn’t think much about that because he didn’t have a ma himself.  Hoss knew he didn’t much like her older sister, Lizzie, though.  When no adults were around to hear them say it, Hoss, Adam, and MaryAnn had always called her sister Prissy Lizzie or sometimes just Miss Priss.  Lizzie was two years older than MaryAnn and was all Miss Manners and frills.  Not at all like MaryAnn, Hoss thought.

Hoss was a very good-natured boy and really wasn’t so mad at Adam any more.  The ride home had been long enough that he had pretty much cooled off.

“So, what did MaryAnn have ta say?  You two looked like ya was talkin’ secrets or somethin’.”

Adam whirled on Hoss and practically shouted,  “We were not!  Besides, whatever I say to anybody is my own damned business.  Not yours.  And don’t you be saying anything to anybody about what I say or do, you hear me?”

Adam had been using swear words for some time now.  He had been thinking them for longer than he had been saying them.  Most of his friends swore, especially those who no longer went to school and either had jobs or helped work their father’s ranches.  How could he expect Pa to start treating him like a man if he didn’t start acting like one?  Still, Adam was careful not to do this within earshot of Pa yet.  He hadn’t quite worked up enough courage for that.  He planned to do that soon but not today anyway.

Hoss looked startled by Adam’s harsh response.

“You better stop swearin’, Adam, or I just might tell Pa on ya.  I don’t know why yer so worked up anyway.  MaryAnn, Lizzie, and their pa have been coming over here to visit since forever so why’re ya acting so strange about talkin’ to her now?”

If Adam had wanted to explain it to Hoss, which he did not, he wasn’t sure if he could have explained it.  Straight thinking, logical, no-gray-areas Adam Cartwright was a bit confused.  Thoughts of MaryAnn kept popping unbidden into his mind.  And once he started thinking about her, he couldn’t get his mind back to where it was before he started thinking about her.

Almost immediately, Adam felt sorry for making his little brother feel bad.  It wasn’t Hoss’s fault.  Hoss had just never understood that Adam didn’t share his need to talk about every single thing that popped into his head.  Particularly not these thoughts.  Adam went over and draped his arm over Hoss’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Hoss.  It isn’t your fault.  I guess I was just thinking about something else.  I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

Instantly, all was forgiven and they both worked quickly to finish their chores before supper.

Supper at the Cartwright home was usually a lively affair, with both Little Joe and Hoss constantly jabbering away and Adam putting in his two cents worth every now and then.  Tonight was no exception.  Adam, however, was unusually quiet; he kept his head down and didn’t join in the conversation at all.

“Adam?  ADAM!  Look at me.”  Adam jumped, knocking all the peas off of his fork.  He wondered how long Pa had been talking to him.

“What’s wrong with you?  I asked you a question.”

“Sorry, Pa.  I guess I had my mind somewhere else.  Uh…what did you ask me?”  Adam then took a bite of his biscuit in an effort to look normal.

“I asked if you thought we could get the corral fixed before Sunday.  Mr. Archer and his girls are coming over for a visit after we get home from church on Sunday and they’ll be able to stay late enough to have supper with us.”

Adam started to answer to the affirmative, but he had been forgetting how to breathe lately.  He inhaled too quickly and choked on the half-chewed biscuit in his mouth.  Crumbs spewed out of his mouth and sprayed across the table.  Hoss quickly handed him a glass of water, Ben got up, crossed to the other end of the table and started pounding on his son’s back.  Little Joe gave Adam a look of unconcealed disgust and thought,  And you complain about MY table manners.  That’s YOUR spit all over the table, ya know.

When Adam had recovered a little, he squeaked out an assurance to his father that there should be enough time to repair the corral by then.

Ben went back to his own chair before speaking again, “That Jim sure is a good man.  I appreciated him helping us out as much as he was able to after…after Marie…after Marie…”  Ben let his sentence trail off unfinished.  “It will be good to get back to playing chess with him again.”

Adam had already heard from MaryAnn that she and her family would be coming over to the Ponderosa on Sunday.  He had been able to think of little else.

Adam asked to be excused from the table.  He picked up his book that he had placed on the corner of the dining table near his plate and headed for the blue velvet chair to the right of the mammoth fireplace.  As he walked, he glanced back over his shoulder toward his father to make sure that Ben’s attention was no longer focused on him.  He found his father still watching him with a somewhat concerned look.

Adam then felt a sharp bang on his left shin as his leg hit the low coffee table.   He pitched forward and found himself sprawled face down across the low table.  His book flew out of his hand, the checkerboard slammed into the settee, and all of the little black and red checkers escaped onto the floor and skittered in all directions.

“Shit," Adam muttered under his breath.  “Oops,” he said out loud.

Hoss’s eyes flew open in surprise when he saw Adam go down.  Besides forgetting how to breathe lately, it seemed his suave older brother had also lost his ability to walk.  An already-alert Ben jumped up immediately to make sure his son was not injured.  Little Joe sat back in his chair, rolled his eyes skyward, and thought,  And YOU yell at ME to slow down.  I could ride a horse in the space between the table and the settee and you can’t even walk through there without tipping over.  Geeez.

Out of the corner of his eye, Adam spotted his father’s hand moving toward the direction of his forehead to check his temperature.  a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h, Adam thought as he moved his head out of reach.  “I’m not sick,” he said a little too forcefully.  He quickly added in a more normal tone, “I’m fine.  I’m…I’m fine.”

Adam hurriedly picked up the scattered items, retrieved his book, and slumped down safely into his blue velvet chair.  Rubbing his sore leg, he tried to ignore the hot flush of embarrassment he knew was visible to his family.

He had been trying to read that book for over a month now but his mind just couldn’t seem to settle enough for him to get it read.  Tonight was no better.  He kept reading, but it was the same paragraph over and over.  About an hour later, he finally gave up any pretense and just stared off into space.

He thought about MaryAnn.  He couldn’t figure out why.  He, Hoss, Lizzie, and MaryAnn had known each other for years and had played all kinds of kid games when they were younger.  He had always thought she was fun to be around but…MaryAnn was just MaryAnn.

Adam’s thoughts briefly thudded on MaryAnn’s older sister, Lizzie.  He had nothing but distain for her.  He was mannerly to her but only because he would suffer ramifications from his father if he were not.  Lizzie was a year older than Adam but she might as well have been 20 years older.  Good lord was she stuffy!  And she spoke in that irritatingly ‘social’ voice of hers, completely devoid of sincerity.  Here they were in virtual wilderness and every time Miss Priss said something to him, Adam had the insane urge to look back over his shoulder to see just who the hell she was trying to impress.  And what a Miss Priss she was with her frilly dresses and her high-buttoned shoes.

Adam couldn’t recall ever seeing MaryAnn’s sister with so much as a smudge on her face.  Well, there was that one time, years ago, when they all had been playing at the Archer’s ranch one afternoon.   In abject frustration at Lizzie’s shrill insistence that MaryAnn, Adam, and Hoss make mud pies with her, MaryAnn and Adam ended up slinging mud balls at her until there wasn’t a spot on her that wasn’t peppered with mud.  Hoss had just stood there watching with an unbelieving look on his face.  Adam’s only regret over that incident was that Mr. Archer came around the side of the barn and caught both MaryAnn and Adam in the process of scooping up even more mud to throw at Miss Priss.

Without even asking who started it, Mr. Archer strode over to MaryAnn and Adam, grabbed each of them by the arm, walked them both into the barn, then promptly spanked first MaryAnn and then Adam.  Adam was shocked.  It was his opinion that nobody was allowed to spank him but his own pa.  At the time, he didn’t know that Ben Cartwright and Jim Archer had an understanding between them.   Ben and Jim trusted each other almost immediately after they first met and had agreed that if any of their children misbehaved while at either of their homes, the parent in residence would take care of the problem.

That was the first time that Adam and MaryAnn had gotten into trouble but it wasn’t to be the last.

Adam’s mouth quirked into a grin as his thoughts settled back on MaryAnn.  MaryAnn was nothing like her sister.  Where her sister couldn’t make a move without taking a poll first, MaryAnn was pretty much ready to do anything at a mere suggestion, often her own, as long as it was reasonably sane.  She was also perfectly capable of stretching the definition of reasonable.

Adam tried hard not to laugh out loud as he sat there in his blue chair and suddenly remembered the time that MaryAnn had unexpectedly come upon Hoss and him swimming in the lake.  He could even remember how hot and dry he had been earlier that day and how cool and refreshing the water had first felt on his bare skin.  The details of that day were so vivid in Adam’s mind that it seemed like it had happened only yesterday.

**********

MaryAnn had ridden her horse right up to their discarded clothes lying there on the ground by the lake then started laughing when she noticed Adam and Hoss desperately trying to get into deeper water.  Then, to their complete horror, it looked as though she was going to join them.

Getting out of cumbersome clothes was no problem for MaryAnn because she was rarely ever seen in anything except jeans, an old shirt, and boots.  Using her horse as a shield between herself and the boys, she had all of her clothes and underwear off in record time.  It was a short horse and MaryAnn had incredibly long legs at a very early age so, try as Adam did to see some things he was curious about, he was mildly disappointed.

After stripping, MaryAnn placed first one long arm then the other long arm back into her long, oversized, cotton shirt and buttoned up.   She briefly glanced down once, was satisfied that she was decent enough, then plunged into the water and started swimming directly toward the boys.

Hoss was horrified.  He kept glancing at Adam, waiting for Adam to yell at her to go away.   To his amazement, Adam was silent.  Adam just kept dogpaddling and never shifted his gaze from MaryAnn at all.  Even though Hoss liked MaryAnn, he thought it was damned rude of her to just try to join them.

Hoss hissed at Adam, “Do something!”

Adam never even glanced his way, “Like what?”

Hoss finally realized that any action taken was going to be up to him alone so he furiously yelled, “Go away, MaryAnn!  Nobody and I mean nobody asked you to come along.”

To Hoss’s complete consternation, MaryAnn never even broke stride.

Hoss was sputtering and gulping great mouthfuls of water as he tried to move further away as MaryAnn closed the distance between them. Hoss couldn’t swim very well anyway and now his efforts were even less spectacular because he didn’t want MaryAnn to see him naked.

Hoss managed to half-swim and half-dogpaddle away from Adam, parallel to the shore.  He then angled slightly inwards toward the shore.  He finally struggled close enough to shore so his feet could touch bottom, then he just stood there with the water lapping at his neck.  Adam briefly glanced once in Hoss’s direction.  He figured Hoss had decided to wait out the situation over there in his new location.

Adam didn’t know what to do either but he wasn’t going to let MaryAnn know that.  He just stayed where he was, dogpaddling in place until MaryAnn came to a halt right in front of him.  He thought about flipping himself onto his back thinking that might scare her off but he couldn’t quite get up the courage to do that.  He wasn’t completely sure he wanted to scare her off.

Adam and MaryAnn ended up in a bit of a staring contest, neither of them brave enough to look anywhere except at each other’s eyes.  Still dogpaddling and finding that she was running out of steam, MaryAnn finally came to the realization that she had met her match.  Adam gave as good as he got.  She giggled, broke eye contact, then quickly headed herself back to shore.

Adam watched closely as she once again used her horse as a shield in order to get dressed but he still couldn’t see anything that mattered.  He didn’t know it at the time but, not many years later, this would haunt him.

MaryAnn got dressed quickly, mounted her horse, and called out to them.

“Adam and Hoss, don’t either of you ever tell anyone I did this.”  She then waved a friendly goodbye and rode off with her wet shirt plastered to her slim angular body.

God, Adam thought, she sure is long.

He barely noticed her long, light-colored red hair.  He never noticed at all how it fairly sparkled in the sun.

Adam and Hoss had lost interest in swimming any more that day, but they stayed in the water a long time after watching MaryAnn ride off.  They both wanted to make sure she was truly gone.

**********

Adam came back to the present just as he heard Pa tell Little Joe that he wasn’t going to tell him again that it was past his bedtime.  On his way to the stairs, Little Joe drifted over to the side of Adam’s chair.  He reached out his little hand and gently patted Adam on the arm.

“I sorry yer sick, Adam.   I love ya.”

Adam’s eyes widened at the mournful tone of Little Joe’s comment.  He gently pulled Little Joe around to stand between his knees, then placed a soft, lingering kiss on the little forehead.

"I’m really not sick, little buddy.  I guess I’m, uh…just tired or something.  I love you, too."

Little Joe reluctantly dragged himself up the stairs to bed.  Adam wasn’t interested in playing checkers with Hoss so Hoss decided to call it an early night himself.  Adam didn’t want to be alone with Pa in case Pa decided to start asking him again what was wrong with him.  Since Adam had no answers that he was willing to share, he also headed up the stairs to bed.

Shortly after Pa had made his nightly check on each of his sons, all of the Cartwrights were fast asleep.  Well, all but one.  Adam couldn’t sleep.  He lay on his back, with his arms crooked and his long fingers intertwined behind his head.  His eyes were rounded in deep thought.  He kept thinking about MaryAnn and the lake.  Several years after that incident, he now lay in his bed wondering what she looked like under her clothes.   Never having had another chance to see her in a state of undress, it was hard to imagine exactly what she had developed.  Adam, however, was a bright young lad with an active imagination.  It didn’t take him long to come up with some possibilities.

Adam continued to toss and turn.  He simply couldn’t go to sleep.  He lay there and his mind wandered back to a few years ago when he had very carefully installed a simple lock on his bedroom door.  It was just a small wooden block fastened with a screw to the doorjamb.  When the block of wood was twisted into position over the closed door, it made a perfect lock.  Nobody would be able to enter without permission from Adam.

Adam had made and installed that lock after Ben had given him a tanning for fighting at school.  Since Adam had decked the bully only as a last resort to stop the bully from hitting a smaller child, Adam felt that Ben was wrong to punish him.  Ben thought that Adam should have come up with another way to solve the problem.  Adam didn’t know why he thought he could get away with putting a lock on his door the following day, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Wrong.  As soon as Pa came home later that night, he had made Adam get the screwdriver again and had towered over him while Adam dismantled the lock and handed it to Pa.

Ben had eventually cited safety considerations, such as a fire, as the reason why he wouldn’t allow Adam to have a lock on his door.  Even as he said it though, they both knew that Ben would never allow himself to be in the position of ever being denied entrance to one of his own son’s bedrooms.

Adam wasn’t sure if Ben even saw his sons as individuals.  Sometimes he thought that his Pa saw all three of his sons as just extensions of himself.  What was good for his Pa was automatically good for his sons and Pa would make all of the decisions regarding their health and welfare.  Probably forever, it seemed like to Adam.

For all of Adam’s life, he would never lose his need to think situations through for himself until he came to an understanding that made sense to him.  Tonight was no exception.  Adam wished he still had that lock on his bedroom door.  He slipped out of bed and quietly went over to make sure that his door was securely shut.  He then crawled back into bed.  It was just not in Adam’s nature to automatically accept everything he heard as absolutely believable.  One thing was certain.  He never believed any of those stories about going blind.

The next morning, a well-rested and whistling Adam rose bright and early to begin work on the corral.  The rest of the week went by fairly quickly and the corral repairs were finished in record time.  Adam made sure of that.

Sunday arrived and all of the Cartwrights went to church as they did nearly every Sunday of their lives.  Usually it was Little Joe who was fidgety in church but today he was an angel compared to Adam.  After Ben finally reached across Little Joe and shook Adam’s knee none too gently, Adam forced himself to sit quieter.  That lasted for about ten minutes before Adam started fidgeting again.  An exasperated Ben pulled Little Joe to his feet, pushed him sideways in front of Adam’s knees, and then sat him down on the other side of Adam, thus forcing a mortified Adam to move into Joe’s spot next to Ben.  For once, Adam was glad that the Archer family rarely attended church.

The Cartwrights had barely arrived home from church when they saw Mr. Archer and his two daughters riding their horses over the hill toward the Ponderosa.  It was easier and far faster for them to ride directly across the two connecting properties to get to the Cartwright house, rather than go the much longer way by using the roads.

While watching Mr. Archer dismount, it once again struck Adam as incongruous to see his own tall father having to look up to speak to the 6’6” tall Mr. Archer.  It was usually Ben who towered over everybody else they knew.  MaryAnn was already a little taller than her older sister and somehow that pleased Adam. 

Adam had always been taught to be respectful to his elders but, in Mr. Archer’s case, he was more than a little respectful.  As hard as Adam now was trying to act like an adult, he still experienced a slight wariness whenever he was near Mr. Archer.  He really liked the man, but the sheer height of Mr. Archer was daunting to any growing boy.

After eating Hop Sing’s dinner of chicken and dumplings, everyone scattered to their favorite activities with Ben and Jim retiring to Ben’s office to start a game of chess.

Little Joe’s friend, Mitch, had also been invited for the afternoon because past experience proved to Ben that this was the best way to keep his youngest son out of everyone else’s hair.  Little Joe and Mitch ran outside and around to the back of the house where they raucously started playing a game of tag.

Adam, Hoss, MaryAnn, and Lizzie wandered out to the corral so Hoss could show off the latest addition to their ranch, a newborn colt.  They had to stay outside the fenced area and couldn’t see the new baby very well because the nervous mare kept moving between her baby and the onlookers.

Lizzie had brought crocheting yarn with her from home and decided that she would rather go back in the house because it was such a hot day.  MaryAnn and Adam both rolled their eyes skyward and a grateful look passed between them.  There wasn’t much that Lizzie liked to do except talk about people who weren’t around to defend themselves.  She had very little imagination and besides the world was such a dirty place.

Hoss eventually wondered off to the back of the house to watch Little Joe and Mitch.  Adam and MaryAnn decided it was a nice day for a horseback ride.  Adam ran into the house to quickly get permission for them to be gone for a little while.   He didn’t bother to mention that “we” did not include Hoss.  He then hurried back to the barn to get the horses saddled up.

MaryAnn was just finishing saddling her horse so she stood companionably near as Adam began to saddle his own horse.  There was a comfortable silence between them.  There always was.

Adam had noticed that lately MaryAnn seemed to sometimes be watching him.   MaryAnn didn’t mean to but she found herself watching Adam often.  She hoped no one had noticed.  From the tip of his hat all the way down his tall frame to the toes of his boots, MaryAnn was becoming increasingly aware of Adam Cartwright. 

For some inexplicable reason, the little hollow just above Adam’s collarbone especially intrigued her.  She had often wished that he would leave just one more button of his shirt undone.  She wanted to move the opening of his shirt aside just a little more.  She wanted to gently touch him there.  She wanted to softly put her lips in that little hollow.  She wondered if there was a small matching hollow below his collarbone as well—

Startled, MaryAnn suddenly looked up into Adam’s dark eyes.  When had he moved so close?  Adam slowly raised his hands alongside MaryAnn and leaned his palms on the short wall of the stall behind her, not quite touching her.  This effectively trapped MaryAnn, who didn’t mind one iota.

Adam slowly leaned in close toward MaryAnn and bent his head slightly to one side.  MaryAnn's eyes were drawn to his mouth and she knew that he was going to kiss her.

“You’re going to kiss me?”  MaryAnn asked in a soft, shaky voice, tinged with a hint of both apprehension and anticipation.

“Yes,” came Adam’s husky reply.

“Uh…have you ever kissed a girl before?”  A slight hint of curiosity showed in her voice.

“Shut up, MaryAnn,”  Adam whispered softly just before his lips gently brushed hers once, then again, then settled more firmly against her lips with his mouth slightly open.

Being a quick study and forever curious by nature, MaryAnn also opened her mouth a little.  She could feel the warmth and wetness of Adam’s tongue.  Then she felt an odd, tingling sensation in the palms of her hands.  MaryAnn stood very still, letting neither her hands nor her body touch him.  She wanted nothing to distract her from this gentle, loving, and so welcome kiss from Adam.

The kiss ended but Adam didn’t step away from her.  They stood close, not touching but close, both a bit in awe.

“Goodness, there is a God,”  MaryAnn mumbled, her voice barely a whisper and her breathing slightly quick and shallow.

“What?”

“Adam, I don’t…want this…this moment to be...ruined by someone coming into the barn.”

“Neither do I, MaryAnn,” Adam said in a very low voice.  He slowly removed his hands from the wall behind her and lowered his arms to his sides.   He took a small, reluctant step backwards.

“Adam…wait.  Would you just…not move for a minute and…and not say anything?  Please?"

Adam watched her eyes carefully, then nodded.  MaryAnn tentatively reached out with her left hand.  She slowly and gently slipped open one more button at the top of Adam’s shirt.  She softly brushed the edge of his shirtfront ever so slightly to one side, just enough to expose his collarbone a little.

A faint smile played across her face and she quietly tugged his shirtfront back into place.  She looked gratefully into his eyes.  “I…I needed to know.”

Needed to know what? Adam wondered.

Adam noticed that he had forgotten to breathe again so he inhaled quickly.  He took another slow step backward.  He started to turn away but then stopped.

“MaryAnn, when did you grow so…pretty?” he said in a slightly strained voice.

MaryAnn’s eyes met Adam’s, “I…I guess we both have been growing, Adam.”  She didn’t voice her next thought,  And when did you grow your kind eyes, and your perfect nose, and your sweet mouth, and your broad shoulders, and your narrow hips, and your long legs and why did it take so long for me to notice?

They never did go for that ride.  They both left the barn and Hoss joined them on the porch.  The three of them sat there quietly talking about nothing in particular until Mr. Archer declared that it was past time for them to be getting on home again.

Later that night, Adam went upstairs to retrieve his book.  He planned to go back downstairs to sit in his blue chair and try once again to get interested in the story he was trying to read.  When he hadn’t come back down the stairs an hour later, Ben got curious and sent Little Joe up to see why Adam hadn’t come back down to join them.

Little Joe found Adam in the hall.  Adam wasn’t walking down the hall.  He was just standing in the hall, leaning one arm against the wall.  After getting no response the first time, Little Joe tugged on Adam’s pant’s leg again.

“Adam, what’re ya doin’?  Are ya too tired to walk?   Want me to get Pa to help ya?”

Adam looked down, startled to see his little brother’s face looking worriedly up at him.

“Sure I can walk.  I was just thinking about something.  Go ahead and I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Little Joe widened his eyes and thought,  And yer supposed to be the smart one?  Can’t ya walk and think at the same time?  Who stops to think on the way to somewhere else?

When Little Joe got downstairs, he told his Pa and Hoss.  “Adam’s okay.  He’s just stuck in the hall.”

“Stuck?” said Pa, starting to rise from his red chair, then changing his mind and sitting back down again.

Hoss looked nervously at Pa before heading for the stairs himself.  He didn’t know what was wrong with his big brother but he was prepared to physically shake Adam hard if that was what it was going to take to make him snap out of whatever it was that was bothering him.   If Adam wasn’t sick, then he better start acting well and he better start doing it fast.  Adam had apparently forgotten how quickly Pa would send for Dr. Martin if he thought any one of his boys was getting sick.

Across the fields and over the hill, happily ready to slip into slumber, MaryAnn suddenly remembered something that she didn’t think was possible for her to forget.

With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, MaryAnn’s thoughts drifted back to the period of time after Little Joe’s mother had died.  She remembered how hard things had been for the Cartwrights after that.  She remembered how despondent Adam’s pa had been.  She remembered her own father going to the Ponderosa to help Adam out when Adam’s own pa seemed unable to understand how terribly much his children needed him.

But most of all, MaryAnn remembered the kind and caring way that Adam looked after his little brothers.  As tired and as worried as he might be, she remembered the look of soft delight on Adam’s face whenever five-year-old Little Joe would throw himself into Adam’s arms and would hold on to Adam for dear life.

MaryAnn would not allow herself to cry.

Instead she gently chided herself.  C’mon, Worrywart, don’t you dare start feeling sorry for yourself.  Adam and you both have long lives ahead of you. You are a good, kind person and you deserve this joy.   When the time comes, you will be strong enough and you will love him enough to make yourself walk away from him.  There will be time enough.  Go to sleep.   It is way too soon to worry.

End of Part One

April, 2003

Revised: January 2004