Part Four

Disclaimer:  I do not own the Cartwright characters but they do linger in my mind, readily available whenever I choose to imagine.   My thanks to David Dortort for creating the Cartwright family.  I do claim MaryAnn Archer as she is described in this story.  She is my invention and she is worthy of my need to keep her safe.

Note:  Please forgive my penchant for believing that Adam Cartwright never left the Ponderosa.  Pernell Roberts left the TV series after six years but his portrayal of Adam was so well done that it would be quite impossible for his physical image to ever leave my concept of Bonanza.  Adam was never portrayed as married on the Bonanza episodes so I have followed approximately the same timeline regarding age.  For continuity, some events in my story intermingle with some events from the Bonanza series but only up to the point prior to Pernell leaving the series.

July, 1863

“You like it?”  MaryAnn’s eyes sparkled as she intently took in every nuance of Adam’s expressive face.  She didn’t want to even blink in case she might miss something.

Adam, now 33 years old, had just stepped down with MaryAnn from her buggy that had transported him from the stagecoach line in San Francisco to MaryAnn’s new house located well outside the city.  Pine trees surrounded the house in front and on the sides but the back of the house opened to a view of the Pacific Ocean that was so beautiful that even glimpses of it as the buggy was approaching the house had made Adam lean forward on the edge of his seat to try to capture the fleeting images in his mind.

Adam stared at the front of MaryAnn’s house for a few moments before pushing his black hat to the back of his head.  He took half a step backward as a warm surge of pride nearly overwhelmed him and he was caught a little off guard by its unexpected intensity.

“MaryAnn, I designed this house and…and I should have known what to expect when I saw it for the first time, but…but I really had no idea after all.  It’s like a big wind came up, picked up the Ponderosa in Nevada, then gently dropped it here in San Francisco.”

MaryAnn grinned first at Adam, then at her old friend and now employee who had jumped from the driver’s seat of the buggy and had placed Adam’s luggage on the ground beside them.  Henry smiled at MaryAnn as he climbed back aboard the driver’s seat and directed the horse and buggy to MaryAnn’s small stable located a distance away from the house.  Henry and his wife, Alice, both worked for MaryAnn now but they had been friends for many years.  As part of their employment agreement, Henry and Alice lived in a small cottage on MaryAnn’s property.

MaryAnn couldn’t seem to keep her feet still.  Or the rest of her for that matter.  For the past ten years, she had been traveling from San Francisco to Virginia City to visit her family and to be with Adam every July.  This year Adam had come to San Francisco instead.  Once again, it had been almost a year since she had last been with Adam and she was excited to have him by her side again.

MaryAnn reached out to pull Adam by the hand toward the house, but he resisted.   Such a feeling of déjà vu had overcome him that his boots seemed completely unable to move.

MaryAnn calmed and slipped her arm around Adam’s waist.  It was her investment money that had built this new house but it was Adam who had designed it for her.  MaryAnn watched the look of delight on Adam’s handsome face for a few minutes before she softly said, “Thanks, Adam.”  He pulled her to him and touched a soft gentle kiss to her lips, then turned back to stare at the house.

“This is amazing, MaryAnn.  You even put a rocking chair and a table and chairs on the porch just like at home.  Everything is the same.  I just left home but I feel like I just arrived back home already.”

Feelings of pleasure, pride, and love flitted across the soft features of MaryAnn’s face.  “That’s the way I wanted you to feel, Adam.  I know I do.”

She tugged gently on his hand again and nodded toward the front door.  “Come.  You’re going to like what you see inside.”

At the door, Adam suddenly pulled MaryAnn backward and picked her up with one strong arm beneath her knees and his other arm behind her slender waist.  She laughed in delight.

“You better not drop me.”

“MaryAnn, sometimes you don’t have a romantic bone in your whole body,” Adam told her as he stepped through the threshold into the house.  “Here I am, being as gentlemanly and as gallant as is possible for any man to be for his lady love and, here you are, insulting my very manhood by insinuating that I can’t pick up a fly-weight like—”

Adam’s laughter and his words were cut off as his eyes swept the inside of the house and he very nearly did drop MaryAnn.  His eyes widened and he blew out a low whistle.

It was as if Adam had walked in the front door of the Ponderosa back in Nevada.  He quickly put MaryAnn on her feet and slowly scanned the room from right to left.  Everything was in its place.  The office off to the right was exactly where it should be, there in the next corner was the staircase leading upstairs to the guest bedrooms, the huge fireplace was in its spot in the middle of the room, the dining room table was off to the left, the kitchen was tucked to the left of that, and finally the downstairs guest bedroom was in its place near the front door.  Adam completed his slow circle.

MaryAnn looked into the hazel-brown eyes of the tall handsome man who stood before her, the man she loved from the tip of his black hat all the way down to his very toes.

“Would you like to hang up your hat?”  MaryAnn’s eyes were playful.

As Adam glanced over her shoulder, a grin spread over his face as he spotted the accordion-style hat rack in the corner behind the door, right where it belonged.

He reached out with one long arm, cupped his hand behind her neck and pulled her to him.  “Damn, I love you, woman.”

“Remember when you used to think I was only a girl?”

“I do and I’m glad we both finally grew up,” Adam’s voice was soft in memory.

Adam was getting that hungry look that MaryAnn so easily recognized and she quickly placed her hands on his chest and pushed him backward a little.

“Adam, wait…wait.  You haven’t had a chance to see the best part yet.”

At MaryAnn’s request, Adam had designed this new Ponderosa a little differently after all.  The two narrow walls on both sides of the original Ponderosa’s fireplace had been omitted from this new floor plan and it was now possible to walk on either side of the fireplace directly into another huge room situated behind the fireplace.  MaryAnn’s new fireplace was just as large as the original one but hers was two sided.  A medium-sized fire could easily warm both of the huge rooms at the same time.

MaryAnn turned Adam around and pulled him toward the right side of the fireplace to the open entry where the gun rack used to be in his old house.  Just before they walked into the new great room, which she had begun to think of as the Sunset Room, she quickly turned so she could see Adam’s face.  The west end of the room was encased in a myriad of small glass panes that climbed their way from floor to ceiling and the setting sun on the ocean was now turning the room into varying shades of oranges, reds, and purples.

MaryAnn was not disappointed in Adam’s reaction.  Once again, his boots seemed unable to move.  He reached for her, turned her around in front of him so she could also watch the sunset, and they both leaned against each other until long after the sun had dropped itself into the salty water.  Both seemed to know that no spoken word could do justice to the visual splendor that surrounded them.

Adam and MaryAnn stood looking in awe toward the ocean for a very long time.  The only light now penetrating the wall of glass panes came from the faint twinkle of the first early stars and the wispy glow from the half moon suspended in the sky.

At last, Adam broke the silence.

“Well, MaryAnn, you told me you wanted windows so low you could watch a worm crawl by.  Although I aim to please, it did occur to me while I was designing this house that you were just a little crazy.  But now I happily take back all of my impure thoughts about you.  Well, a couple of them anyway.  If you’re crazy, then the whole world should be crazy.”

Still standing with her back leaning against Adam’s chest, MaryAnn threw out her right arm and pointed to the wall to their right.

“Uh, Adam, you still haven’t seen the best part.”

“Shoot, MaryAnn, I designed this house…I know where our bedroom is.”

Adam had designed the bedroom and an adjacent new-fangled water closet with the same attention to detail as he did with everything in his life.  The door to the water closet was located to the right, fairly close to the stairs leading to the second floor.  The door to the bedroom was located to the left of the door to the water closet.

The entire west end of the bedroom was also adorned from floor to ceiling with the same small squares of glass windows.   Drapes were installed at both sides of the glass wall in the bedroom but MaryAnn was to discover that she never closed them.  Her property was isolated and she could not bear to wake up and not be able to sit up in bed and gaze out upon the pounding surf.

“You going to pick me up and carry me over this threshold?”

Adam slowly turned her around to face him and the corners of his mouth quirked up into a grin.

“Nah.”

With a wicked look in his eye, Adam put a hand on each side of MaryAnn's neck and walked her backwards into the bedroom.

Just before they reached the bed, he paused long enough to enjoy that almost stricken look that always came over MaryAnn face whenever they were at last together again.  It was a look of such profound intensity that he knew it was uniquely for him.  Even after all of these years of being together, the first thing MaryAnn always did was to slowly tug his shirtfront to one side and touch her lips gently to the little hollow above his collarbone.  She always seemed to hesitate while doing this, almost as if she were stretching the moment out as long as she could.  Adam didn’t know about the sweet pain his proximity had on MaryAnn’s body, but he did know that he never felt more loved or more valued than at these moments when her hunger for him was so starkly apparent.

But not all things go according to plan.  A short time after Adam had tumbled MaryAnn backward onto the bed, she heard him say quietly in her ear, "Something’s wrong here, MaryAnn.  I don’t know what it is, but something just isn’t right.”  Adam’s puzzled voice was low.

MaryAnn looked up at him.  “What?”

Adam sounded stressed and more than a little disturbed.  “I don’t know, MaryAnn.  Something just isn’t right.  I don’t know what’s wrong.  Maybe…maybe I’m just tired from the trip.”

MaryAnn sat up with an astonished look on her face.  Then, she began to look around the room as if she also was beginning to think that something was amiss.  After a few minutes, she broke into a fit of giggles.

Adam was beyond belief.  “Damn, MaryAnn.  I can’t believe you would laugh about this.  It isn’t funny.  I’m only 33 years old and this…this has never happened to me before.”

She could barely stop laughing long enough to choke out the words, “I think…I think I know what the problem is, Adam.”

“What?  What?  And stop that damned laughing!”

She tried to get serious for Adam's sake.  She didn’t succeed but she did try.  Between quick gulps of air, she managed to tell him.

“Uh…Adam, you and I have never…uh…made love under a roof before.”

“So?”

“Or…or in a bed for that matter.”

Adam suddenly sat bolt upright.  “That’s it!  That’s it!”

He jumped out of bed, almost stumbling in his need to hurry.  He threw his robe around his naked body, tossed another robe around MaryAnn’s, pulled a blanket off the bed, grabbed her hand, and pulled her toward the back door.

Nearly limp from laughing, MaryAnn managed to say, “Wait.  Wait.  Where’re we going?”

“C’mon, MaryAnn.  I spotted a path from your back door down to the beach.”

The stars above them were twinkling and abundant.  The breeze coming off the salt water was cool and refreshing.  The sand beneath them was soft and still warm from the day.  The noise from the surf breaking off shore and the soft swooshing sound the salty water made as it was swirled back out to sea very nearly drowned out the low voices and soft laughter of the man and woman who loved each other with all of the pride and passion that is available to those who have the courage to live unequivocally and on their own terms.

Life had handed MaryAnn a lemon when she found out at a young age that she would never be able to conceive a child.  And she had to take that lemon because life doesn’t bother to ask our opinion on such matters.  But what she did with that lemon was up to her and MaryAnn knew that she had enough determination, enough power of reason, and enough courage to never allow the bitterness of that lemon to destroy her soul.

Adam spent nearly two weeks with MaryAnn in San Francisco.  During that time, she asked him to buy himself a new shirt, new jeans, new boots, a new hat (everything black of course) and a brand new gun belt and gun.

When the day came for Adam to leave to return to Nevada, MaryAnn hung his old black jeans and black shirt on a wall peg near their bed.  She placed his old boots on the floor near the foot of the bed.  She then buckled his old gun belt and gun (bullets and all) around one of the bedposts at the head of the bed.

She stood back and let her gaze sweep over the room.  “Now this bedroom looks right.”

Adam held her in a soft embrace as they stood in the doorway of the bedroom and his voice was low.  “I couldn’t agree more.”

As they were leaving the house, Adam flung out his arm and sailed his old black hat toward the hat rack behind the front door.  They both watched as that old worn Stetson snagged itself a peg, rocked itself gently back and forth for a few moments, and then settled itself snugly into its new home.  For all the world, it looked like it had been hanging there for years.

The next year, 1864

Spring was not quite here and things were tense at the Ponderosa.

Although months away yet, Ben knew that Adam would be going to San Francisco to spend another July with MaryAnn and Ben didn’t much like it.  In fact, he didn’t like it at all.  Ben could no longer use the excuse that he needed Adam to toe the line until Hoss and Joe were safely raised into manhood.  That had already happened long ago.  Adam was 34, Hoss was 28, and Joe was 22.  No, Ben could no longer use that excuse.

Every year just before spring was always hard on all the Cartwrights.  They were sick of winter and thoroughly tired of each other.  This morning found all three of the Cartwright boys in the barn at the same time, which was unplanned and unfortunate.

Adam looked at Joe with total disgust, “Damn it, Joe.  Pick up that pitchfork.  It doesn’t belong on the ground!”

Joe’s green eyes narrowed and an angry challenge instantly flew out of his mouth.  “You think you’re man enough to make me?”

Adam threw the harness he had been mending to the floor, stood up, and advanced on Joe.  There was no way Joe was ever going to come out ahead in a fight against the much taller and larger Adam, but there was something in Joe’s personality that would never recognize that fact.

Hoss was in no better mood than either Adam or Joe.  He stepped between them and put an angry hand to each of their chests.

“Back off, both of ya and I mean right now!  Joe, I’ve heard about all the sass I wanna hear from you and, Adam, I’ve heard enough of your bossy ways to last me at least five winters.”

Adam tried to go around Hoss.  “This is between Joe and me.  Stay out of this, Hoss.”

Hoss balled up the front of Adam’s black vest in his large mitt and jerked Adam to a stand still.  “You’re having a helluva time hearing, Adam.  What did I just tell ya about bossin’?”

Joe was pushing against Hoss’s other restraining arm.  “Adam’s right, Hoss.  Stay out of our business and get outta the way.”

Then Adam’s smart mouth kicked in again.  “Yeah, Hoss, what’re you worried about?  It’s not like the kid actually has the ability to hurt anyone.”

All hell broke loose as Joe made a dive under Hoss’s arm and slammed his fist into Adam’s ribs.  Adam caught his breath then his own fist connected with Joe’s jaw, snapping Joe’s head back.

It wasn’t long before all three Cartwrights were bloody.  Hoss finally managed to gain the upper hand.  As Hoss held Adam roughly against the wall of the barn, he jabbed his finger at Joe and told him to get out of there before he was forced to do some serious damage to both of their hides.  Joe saddled Cochise and rode furiously out of the barn.  The road to Virginia City was barely passable because of heavy mud but Joe angrily rode off in that direction.

Hoss was so angry that he waited until Joe was well on his way before releasing Adam.  He waited a little longer than was necessary.  Hoss had his dander up and it gave him a small amount of satisfaction knowing how mortifying it was to Adam to have to wait for Hoss to release him.  It never ceased to amaze the even-tempered Hoss how muddled both of his brothers got when they lost their tempers.  Did Joe really think that he was big enough to beat Adam to a pulp?  And did Adam think that Hoss wasn’t big enough to beat him to a pulp?

Adam gradually calmed down but, for once, it was Hoss who stayed angry.

“Adam, you got any idea the problems we woulda had if Pa had heard all this ruckus and had come out to the barn to investigate?”

Adam just flapped one arm, indicating that he hardly cared.

That small gesture suddenly made Hoss even madder.  He pushed Adam toward a couple of grain sacks propped against a stall.  “Sit down, Adam.  I got some things I wanna say.”

Adam’s own temper flared again and he whirled on Hoss, his voice ominous.  “You asking me or telling me?”

Hoss shoved Adam backward onto one of the sacks and leaned his face in close to Adam’s.  “I’m telling ya!”

Adam went quiet for a full minute and a look came over his face that reminded Hoss of Joe when Little Joe was younger and was trying to dig himself out of a mess of trouble.

“Remember, Hoss.  I was nice to you back in the days when it was me who was bigger than you.”

“That and my good nature are probably the only two reasons why I’ve let ya live so long, Adam,” said a stern Hoss.

Then they looked at each other and the tension went out of both of them as they started to chuckle.

“Adam, what’s going on?  Ya seem so dad blamed unhappy.  Pa has been upset for years about you and MaryAnn and I can’t figure ya out at all.  Don’t ya love her?  Ya act like ya do.”

Adam nodded his head toward another grain sack beside him.  “Sit down, Hoss.  I love MaryAnn more than I ever thought it was possible for one person to love another, but…well, you already know that she won’t marry me.  I told you that a long time ago.  What I haven’t told you is that MaryAnn eventually told me why she won’t marry me.  I...I guess it’s long past time that I should have told you that part too.  I know you care about me and that you worry for me.”

Hoss listened quietly and without interrupting until Adam had finished.  “I’m really sorry, Adam.  You and MaryAnn are both such good people and you just seem to belong together.  I shoulda figured that there must be a special circumstance involved.  I sure never would’ve figured this one out though.  This explains a lot of things.  I have ta give MaryAnn credit for sticking to her guns though about wanting you to marry somebody else so you can have kids.  It seems real important to her.  Gawd, Adam, I can’t even imagine what it would be like ta have someone love me as much as MaryAnn loves you.”

Adam’s demeanor was quiet as he draped his long arm over Hoss’s broad shoulder.  “I’m not sure you would want this, Hoss.  You have no idea how happy I am when I’m with her every July and how unhappy I am without her the rest of the year.  Besides, Hoss, your time is coming.  I hear that Bessie Sue is still nuts about you.”

Hoss grinned.  “Yeah, she is, ain’t she?”

Then Hoss got serious again.  “You gonna tell Pa why MaryAnn won’t marry you?”

“Yes, just as soon as I go inside.  He knows that she won’t marry me but I should have told him MaryAnn’s reason after I found out.  As much as he likes MaryAnn, I think he has always held it against her because she won’t marry me.  You know how defensive Pa can be about the three of us.”

“You sure got that right.”

“Hoss, nobody can blame MaryAnn for this, especially me.  She told me way back when I was 17 years old that she wouldn’t marry me, but I guess I…I hoped that someday she would change her mind.  That isn’t her fault, that’s mine.  When I tell Pa that MaryAnn can’t have children and that’s the reason why she has always wanted me to marry someone else, maybe he will be more understanding about our situation.”

“Ya gonna tell Joe?”

“Right after I apologize to him, Hoss.  Right after I apologize to him.”

Ben wasn’t worried about town gossip because Adam always conducted some ranch business while he was in San Francisco.  As far as anyone else knew, the sole purpose of Adam’s trips to San Francisco every year was because of business.  Ben wasn’t worried about gossip but the welfare and happiness of his oldest son would always remain a worry for him.  All three of his sons, for that matter.

That July, Adam once again journeyed to San Francisco and came back to the Ponderosa a happy but more introspective man.

In August, Adam got into a tangle with some Indians and his life was saved by a beautiful woman named Ruth Halverson.  But that romance ended when Ruth decided to continue with the only life she had known after she was captured as a young girl.

For a while, Adam thought about trying to find Ruth again but he never quite got around to it.  He was a bit heartened though because he thought he had finally been able to fall in love with another woman besides MaryAnn.  Well, a little, anyway.  The thought occurred to Adam that his attraction to Ruth might have been because she and MaryAnn shared the same hair color.  Was he just seeing MaryAnn in Ruth?  He would never know and the thought was best laid to rest.

The next year, 1865

Adam was now 35 years old and he was in love.  With someone other than MaryAnn.  Well, he thought he was in love.  He tried real hard to be in love.  Her name was Laura Dayton, she was very attractive, she was widowed, and she had the cutest little daughter named Peggy.

Adam had not said anything to MaryAnn when he had been with her in San Francisco in July because he didn’t think that he was going to ask Laura to marry him.  But he later found himself asking Laura to marry him after all.

Adam wrote to MaryAnn and told her all about his upcoming plans to wed, then he set about building a house for Laura, little Peggy, and himself right there on the Ponderosa.  Adam did have one problem though; he kept falling asleep whenever he was around Laura.  Adam thought that he was the only one who was bored rigid whenever the child-like Laura was around.  Nobody had the heart to tell him that everybody referred to her as “that ninny Laura” behind her back.  MaryAnn had decided early on that it would be best if she just kept her own opinion about Laura to herself.

One day while Adam was busy building their new house, Laura and Adam’s cousin Will unexpectedly showed up at the building site.  Because Adam had been daydreaming about MaryAnn and wasn’t paying much attention to what he was doing, Laura and Will’s sudden arrival startled him and he fell off the roof.  Later, he had to force himself out of his wheelchair before he was even completely healed just to prove to Laura and Will that he really didn’t mind if the two of them ran off and got married.  Adam was astonished at the sense of relief that flooded over him as he watched the buckboard carry Laura and Will away from the Ponderosa.  Now that was a close call.

But Adam had been very fond of little Peggy and he came to realize how right MaryAnn had been all along.  He did want children and he knew he would be a great father.

Two years later, 1867

Adam, now 37 years old, had again spent the last two Julys with MaryAnn.

It was now September and Adam was returning home from Tucson by stagecoach where he had been looking over a new breed of cattle there.  The trip was hot, dusty and tiresome.  His only other coach companion consisted of an elderly preacher who fancied himself to be a philosopher of sorts.

Reverend Williams was a congenial sort and, as is often the case with a total stranger, Adam suddenly blurted out his situation with MaryAnn.  Now, you would think that the Reverend, being a reverend and all, would have castigated Adam for his unholy alliance with MaryAnn, but he didn’t.  The Reverend had come to his calling rather late in life.  He was a kind man and he listened intently as Adam talked.

Their conversation was interrupted when their stagecoach stopped at a small way station and a comely woman with light-brown hair dressed in unattractive dark clothing joined the stage.  As the woman sat opposite of Adam and next to the Reverend, Adam couldn’t help but notice her rather large, gold wedding band.

Adam and the Reverend tried to include the new passenger in conversation but, although she seemed pleasant enough, she didn’t seem interested in small talk and instead chose to look out the window as the stagecoach bounced and swayed along the dusty, bumpy road.

Without giving it much thought, Adam and the Reverend lapsed back into their previous discussion.  Eventually, enough had been said between them that the woman passenger’s curiosity was piqued and she asked Adam what he was talking about.  Although hesitate, Adam briefly explained that he loved a woman named MaryAnn but that she could not have children and she wanted him to marry someone else so that he could have children.  He explained that he had not been successful at falling in love with another woman but, in any case, he wasn’t likely to find a wife who would be accepting of his love for MaryAnn anyway.  And, he explained, he was never going to give MaryAnn up.

The woman, whose name was Tracy, suddenly smiled.  “I’ll marry you.”

Adam stared at her.  “Excuse me?”

“I just told you that I would marry you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Please, be so kind as to not say that again.  I’m offering to marry you.  That is, if I am acceptable.  I mean…uh…if you think I would fill the bill.”

Excu….Sorry.  Isn’t that a wedding ring I see on your third finger, left hand?  And, by the way, there is no bill to fill.  No offense, Mrs…Mrs…whatever your name is.”

“Tracy.”

“Okay, Mrs. Tracy.  The Reverend and I were just talking and I didn’t realize that you were listening.  Now that you are, all three of us can talk about something else.”

“Tracy is my first name.  And I’m widowed.”

Adam groaned.  “Oh Lord.”

“There really isn’t any reason to swear.  You were talking so gentlemanly up until now.”

“I am a gentleman!  Why…why are you wearing a wedding ring if you’re widowed?  I must apologize.  I seem to have lost my manners completely.  I’m…I’m sorry for your loss.”

“My husband and my two-year-old son died of consumption nearly three years ago.  I decided I needed to get away from the memories and am going to visit an aunt in Carson City.”

“Oh.”

Tracy smiled.  “So, do you want to marry me?”

“I…I…I…Excuse me, but I like to do my own proposing.”

“Okay.  Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well, are you going to ask me to marry you?”

Adam was having a little trouble keeping up with this fast-moving stranger sitting across from him.  “Let’s just say I’m a bit intrigued.  Why do you want to marry me?  I mean, we’re strangers.  You don’t know anything about me.  And, this is the West where there are at least ten men to every woman.  Why me?”

“I have been listening to you for some time.  You seem intelligent and that is very important to me.  You seem to be well brought up, you have very kind eyes, and I...I like the way you look.”

“You still don’t know anything about me and I don’t know anything about you.”

“Then I’ll tell you.  I’m 32 years old, I was born in New York and I came west with my husband who was a banker.  I shall likely never love another man as much as I loved my Lawrence but I ache to have more children.  I am getting older and must not waste much more time.  Many men have approached me since Lawrence died but, until now, none have caused me to notice them.  I notice you.  I may not love you but I believe that, with a man like you, it is possible for love to grow.”

Adam blinked.  “What about MaryAnn?  It isn’t just a passing thing between the two of us.  I have loved her for at least 20 years and it isn’t likely that I will ever stop loving her.”

“I have lost much in life.  I can empathize with your MaryAnn.”

“She wouldn’t want anyone’s pity.”

“Empathy is not the same as pity.  Trust me, I do know the difference.”

“Are you always this...this outspoken?” 

Tracy smiled.  “No, and I can hardly believe myself now.  Maybe…maybe its just time for me to move forward again.  It seems I’ve been standing still a very long time.  Will you tell me a little about yourself?” 

“I…I live on a ranch outside Virginia City with my father and two younger brothers.  We are all very hardworking.  My father has seen to that.”

“And are you a good person?”

“Yes, Ma’am.  Uh…sorry.  That sounded like the answer to a quiz.”

“Well, I think we’re off to a good start.  We have some time before we get to Carson City to get to know each other a little more.” 

The Reverend, who had been quiet during Adam and Tracy’s verbal exchange, suddenly jumped into the fray, “You may not have as much time as you might think.  I have taken a liking to both of you but I get off the stage the day after tomorrow.  If you decide to wed, I shall be delighted to marry you when we reach my destination.”

Adam turned his attention back to Tracy, “Let me get this straight.  Are you telling me I don’t have to give up MaryAnn if I marry you?”

“That’s right, Adam.  You don’t have to give up MaryAnn.  Remember, I also know what it’s like to have a great love and I would not wish to deny you your great love.  But, there would of course have to be…uh…parameters.”

“Parameters?”

“Adam, if you and I marry, you must promise to always treat me with respect and kindness.  I also would promise you no less.  You have said that you always spend each July with MaryAnn in San Francisco.  I see no reason why that cannot continue.  I do hate deception but we must continue to arrange things so that there is never a hint of scandal.  We have not only our relationship to consider, but we need to be careful for the sake of our children.”

Adam glanced back over his shoulder as if he had missed something.  “You and I have children?  When did we have children?”

Tracy’s face lit up.  “Has no one ever told you how breathtaking you are?”

 Uh….”  How in hell am I supposed to answer that? 

Tracy then lowered her head slightly and looked at Adam.  “And now I must ask you a delicate question.  I have been told many times that I am attractive.  You have seen me at the way station when I joined the stagecoach.  Am I pleasing to your mind?  Please do not worry about offending me if you think not.  The…physical aspect of marriage is terribly important to me.” 

The Reverend suddenly looked out the window and mumbled, “I wish I were somewhere else.” 

Adam glanced at the Reverend, then shifted his gaze back to Tracy.  “Yes.”

“What?  I’m sorry but I seem to have forgotten how I phrased my question.”

“Yes, you are very attractive and you have a straight forwardness about you that is very pleasing to my own rational way of thinking.”

“Are you sure that you would never leave me for MaryAnn?  Tell me now, not four years from now after we have children.”

“I would not marry you if I did not intend to keep my promises to you.  Except for MaryAnn, I will remain true to our marriage.”

“One further request, Adam.   Although I shall likely never love you as much as I loved Lawrence, I have a feeling that I may someday come to love you quite a lot.  In light of that, I think it might be easier if we do not discuss MaryAnn.  In return, please know that I will never withdraw my support of your love for her.  Does that seem fair?”

“Uh…I think it’s going to be very easy to love you, Tracy.”

Then Adam reached across the small space separating them and took one of Tracy’s hands in both of his.

“Tracy, it seems like you and I have already reached an understanding but, just to make it official, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Adam sent the following telegram to his father:

Adam then sat down and wrote the following letter to MaryAnn.

MaryAnn sank to the floor as she read Adam’s letter and her tears flowed long into the night.  As the first faint light began to creep into a new day, an exhausted and very lonely MaryAnn found herself walking on the beach, struggling to regain her focus.

She told herself that she was strong enough to make this work.  She could do this.  Adam had to be married to someone else in order for him to have the children that MaryAnn had always wanted him to have.  This is the way it had to be.

As MaryAnn walked, she found herself marveling that, in a world where she often had wished more women were allowed to be as sane as herself, Adam had actually found another sane woman.  But was this the part that was causing her so much pain now?  The fact that he had actually married a sane woman?  Wasn’t this the kind of woman that MaryAnn had always wanted for Adam?  MaryAnn drew in a deep shaky breath.  She didn’t remember feeling at all this way when Adam had written a few years ago that he was going to marry Laura Dayton.

MaryAnn’s thoughts turned to Adam again and she began to think about his future children.  Oh Adam, I wonder if your sons will have your long, sensuous body.  Oh God, I do hope so.  Will they have your hazel-brown eyes, those rock-steady eyes of yours that really look at a person when you talk?  Will your sons inherit your canyon grin and your incredible voice?

Isn’t it odd, Adam, that I always think of you with sons and never daughters? I don’t know why.  Well, maybe I do know.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never lost that image I have of a very young Little Joe running to you so he could feel safe again after Marie died.  And I’ve never forgotten that look of delight and protectiveness that came over you whenever he did that.  You’re going to be a great father, Adam.

MaryAnn didn’t realize it but, as she walked, she was no longer looking down at the sand but straight ahead.

MaryAnn wasn’t worried about how Adam would raise his sons.  She knew that he would make sure that his sons were raised with the same values that she and Adam shared.  She knew that he would teach his sons to interact honestly with others, to value justice, to have integrity, to keep promises given, and to value the virtue of earned pride.  She knew also that he would teach his sons to honor those worthy of honor, to respect those worthy of respect and, most of all, to always choose to think.

MaryAnn’s step quickened as she thought of the yet-unborn women who would grow up to love the sons of Adam.  She wondered if these future women would worship the tall, muscled body and proud, strong character of their Cartwright as much as MaryAnn loved her Cartwright.

MaryAnn hoped that the yet-unborn women who would someday love the sons of Adam would grow up to be intelligent women, women who would be capable of thinking their way through life.  She hoped these future women would grow up to be honest and kind and, above all else, passionate about life and love.  Passionate enough to earn them the right to enjoy the love of a Cartwright.

MaryAnn stopped walking.  She lifted her head higher as she realized that she finally was able to hear the roar of the ocean once again.  The roar of her own blood rushing through her ears had finally quieted.  She turned to look out at the ocean.  Her long, slender body was straight, her head was thrown back, and the start of a small smile was beginning to tug at the corners of her mouth.

MaryAnn by nature was a happy person and happiness had begun to seep back into her heart again.  She suddenly ran out into the salty surf and found herself calling out as loud as she could to the crashing waves.

“Yes!  I can do this!  Adam Cartwright will live on in future generations.  It will happen.  This is exactly what I want and I am strong enough for this.  I can do this.”

MaryAnn had no way to know how hard it was going to be.

References and Acknowledgements:

The reference to Ruth Halverson comes from the Bonanza episode, The Savage, written by James Neilson.  

The reference to Laura Dayton comes from the Bonanza episodes:

(1) The Waiting Game, written by Ed Adamson

(2) The Cheating Game, written by William L. Stuart

(3) The Pressure Game, written by Don Tait

(4) Triangle, written by Frank Cleaver. 

        Note:  I have taken a small liberty with the timeframe of Laura’s pending marriage to Adam.  The tombstone of Laura’s first husband (Frank Dayton) states that he died in 1861 and later episodes involving Laura mention that another year had passed before Adam and Laura decide to marry.  I have Adam and Laura becoming engaged to marry in 1865 (instead of 1862). 

The song “MaryAnn” comes from the CD, Pernell Roberts Sings Come All Ye Fair.

End of Part 4 

June 2003

Revised:  January 2004